up and down

I want to post..... mostly so my imperfect song video isn't the first thing readers see/hear when they come to my blog. This whole music thing really makes me feel vulnerable and sends me on emotional roller coasters. The highs are delicious and make me deliriously and electrically buzzing with joy. The lows make me sick and on the verge of tears that finally turn me into a weepy little girl. I'd rather not hand out my fragile imperfect heart in the form of Cd's. I'd rather keep my heart locked in my chest where it's relatively safe. I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a steep foreboding mountain covered densely with trees that I can't see clearly through. The amount of work I have to do on a daily basis as a mom and wife and home manager is weighing on me today and I want to add to it by trying to be some kind of singer song writer? What am I doing?   I'm overwhelmed. Simple tasks like cleaning my kitchen make my thoughts spiral down into the black.. I start to ask myself how many more messes will I clean up alone in this kitchen? Then I realize we are out of toilet paper, dishwasher soap, and frozen chicken. That means I have to go to Costco. How am I going to stay within our budget at Costco?! I walk into that store and lose all self control and judgement. Next thing I know I've spent hundreds of dollars. I do not want to take my twins to Costco tomorrow....you see? Down, down, down they go.
My husband has been working loooooooong hours and my twins have been really sick. This week the kids get out at 1:30 instead of 3:30 from school. These are all reasons for my weepy exhaustion. But mostly its feeling vulnerable and exposed. But here I am again spilling my heart on my blog. I have this need to write and be honest and open and yet that's what makes me feel so vulnerable. What am I to do? I'll tell you what I do. Eat cheese burgers and fries and cokes and chocolate and read and pray and cry. I get answers when I pray and cry. Today I got one I wasn't too happy about. Good thing I'm going to the temple in the morning. I can  confirm I heard Him right. He can sort through my head and throw out all the junk.

I could wait till this mood blows over to post but posting helps them blow over. I could wait to post but I like blogs that are real. I like blogs that have ups and downs so I don't feel like I'm the only one that gets sad even though my life is full of goodness and blessings. I must be real with myself and with anybody reading this.

 This music mess has shown me I have such a little sister mentality. I just want someone older and wiser to take over.  I just want someone who knows what they are doing to rescue me from all these new things I'm trying to do. I want a real blogger to fix my blog. I want a real musician to fix my songs. I want a real vocal coach to fix my voice. I want I real camera, I want a real computer I want I want I want.

Now I want to go to bed.
I hope the twins sleep tonight.
 I'll be better soon.
 There is always an up after a down.

Silver Compass

Despite all that it lacks for now, can you hear a potentially cool song?

 I know what it means to me, does it have any meaning to you? 

Like many of my songs it's a conversation between fear and faith. 

Faith wins.

If I had time to be a perfectionist and re-do this video I would but you wouldn't believe me if I told you of the herds of children I have thundering through my house.

Do you like how I magically change rooms at the end? 

I told you I had super powers.

My brilliantly loving husband re-figured out how to post a video on our computer.

 It only took him an hour and half. 

He only has a law degree and a mind brimming with logical problem solving skills! 

If it took him an hour and a half how do these non MAC computer makers expect regular people to figure out non MAC computers!?

He wrote down the instructions for me with pictures and everything. 

I'll post another video all by myself like a big girl soon!

Have a great day. I'm going to no matter what my kids throw at me.

vacation is over

I've been taking a vacation from the guitar. It's been such a long vacation my nails have been able to grow. I've had long fingernails since I was 12. Growing long fingernails comes much more naturally to me than playing the guitar. 

Tragically I have to cut them off if I want to play the guitar.

 I don't know how Dolly Parton does it.

I'm singing Oh Holy Night for the Relief Society Christmas party. I must learn how to play it on the guitar.

I've been practicing. It takes me 5 minutes to go from E minor to B 7 so that's something to work on before Dec 14th. 

But for this song I am willing to cut my fingernails off so I can practice.

And since my nails are now ruined I might as well sing you a song on my blog like I said I would.

 I recorded it today and hopefully my husband can show me how to post it with the better camera. 

My finger tips are red and throbby. My calluses are gone after my guitar vacation. Ouch. 

After you hear me play the song you might wish I'd go back to growing finger nails instead of playing the guitar ;)

did you wonder if I was ever coming back?

I can tell when I haven't blogged in a while. I turn everything I'm doing into a blog post in my head.  I write blog posts in my head for days until I have a head ache and I can't take it any more I have to type a for real blog post! I've been too busy and crazy to blog the past 11 days. I've been sending my demo off into the big wide world and it has made me feel so vulnerable.  Mostly though, it's made me feel a sense of closure..... like I've handed my homework in and there is nothing I can do now but relax. That feels good. 

Can I just say thanks to my friends who have listened to my demo and been so kind. I really appreciate it!  Thank you so much and I love you!

It was daylight savings today. We turned our clock back and hour and this day just won't end. At 6:40p.m. I was exhausted and feeling like it was time to get the wild kids in bed. That's what I'm going to do now. I'll be back and tell you how it went. Nate is out of town so It's all me baby! When he is gone and I'm not waiting around for him to save me I get the kids down way faster anyway. Nate takes good care of me so sometimes when he is around I get lazy and wait for my bedtime hero to rescue me from the bedtime rebels. This can result in the kids getting to bed an hour and a half late because the bedtime hero likes to stop and watch the game as he is puts the bedtime rebels to bed....

I'm back. I was efficient but I don't know if I was nice enough. Luke said I say everything in a mean voice. Hmmmmm. I tried to explain I say things nice the first 10 times but nobody listens to nice mom so I have to get serious and talk in my I mean business voice. He said. "Then how come I never hear you say it in a nice voice?" then I tried to say again.... nobody listens nobody hears my nice voice... He didn't buy it. He just put the blankets over his head and said again he never heard me say it nice. This might sound funny but honestly this is the struggle of my life as a mother. Trying to find the right balance between being loving, kind, patient, long suffering, selfless but at the same time setting limits, boundaries, rules and consequences for my children. I really feel like I mess up a lot. I can crack the whip and get my kids moving in a hurry but then they just think I'm a meany. I don't think I'm being mean. It think I'm being firm and setting limits and not letting my kids walk all over me... but maybe I'm just mean. Am I ever going to figure this out or am I going to raise my kids and be a confused wreck the whole time. Are they are just going to grow up and have to forgive me when they have their own wild children? Oh the circle of life. I would really like to get a report card from Heavenly Father on what he thinks of my mothering tactics. Even if he gave me all F's at least I'd know for sure I was doing it wrong. This is the main reason I get baby hungry. You don't have to discipline a baby. You just love and hold and treasure and nurse and change poopies. I would give myself all A's in the taking care of infants department. I had the sweetest sleepiest babies. I could solve all their problems. I could nurse them and wrap them up just right and put them to bed. They were mine and I was theirs. Now we just make each other mad. I'm mad because I've been saying for the past 10 years "put your shoes away, make your bed, don't eat on the carpet, don't throw your gum on the floor, flush the toilet, talk nice, eat your dinner." I guess they are mad because I don't give them everything they want like when they were babies. I think also they are mad because they don't want to share me with their siblings. Well, if you came here for answers to life's hard questions, sorry, not today. 

So, I've been thinking it's high time I sing you a song. I sit and type about these genius songs I make up in the shower and yet I never sing them for anyone but myself. I can't sing for you right this minute because I'll wake up 4 of my kids and disturb Emmaline while she does her homework. I feel like singing loud and mad right now so you know I better let that pass and I'll sing for you when the kids are at school.

And now for a truck load of pictures.

Pre-school field trip to the  pumpkin patch. No Gwenyth in the picture because she said it was so embarrassing and she was too shy.

The bedtime hero is also the pumpkin carving hero. I do not enjoy carving pumpkins but never fear, Nate does. Or maybe he doesn't but he never complains.

AnnaKate working hard

Luke getting grossed out by pumpkin innards

Sarah is just cute

What a happy October it's been

This is the only picture I got of them all together in their costumes. Emmaline was a princess. AnnaKate was a pirate. Luke was a soccer player on this day but on the day of the school parade he was a ninja turtle. He got mad at me because he said everyone thought he was just a regular turtle! Halloween night he was a soccer player to avoid being mistake for just a regular turtle. Sarah and Gwenyth were cute little witches for their pre-school Halloween party. When we dressed up for my parents Halloween party they were snow white and a ballerina.   Sarah was even a cow girl for another party. We've acquired a lot of costumes.

Let's keep this straight. He is a Ninja turtle and not a regular turtle.

Can you tell Gwen is freaked out? One of AnnaKate's friend's had scary face paint and talked to Gwen and scared her. The twins aren't in Kindergarten yet but AK's teacher let them parade and go to the class party. Gwen became desensitized to all the scary face paint after a while and had a great time.

Luke doing his dramatic reading. He was loud and clear and expressive. What a cutie.

This is how it looked as we set off to trick or treat. Perfect mild weather!

I love our neighborhood.

I love my dog

Nate and I even painted the twins room over the weekend! 

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Sometimes I think I'm pretty funny

 Which picture would you have picked?  

I picked this top one. I know I'm kind of squinting because there was a glare off the window across the street but.....I like my hair the best in this one. Plus, the way I'm sitting looks more natural. Plus I like that I don't have a big smile on my face. This picture says to me...."Yo. I'm a mama but that don't mean I always have to sing about my kids" or how about. "Dude, I don't know what the heck I'm doing but I'm trying to rock out here"  Or maybe "I'm almost 40 but I just figured out my favorite thing so watch out homeys  I'm going to be a rock star" or how about this one "While I do the dishes and the laundry I'm kicking some booty writing songs in my head!"

 Since I picked up my box of Demo CD's this morning I've been going back and forth between satisfaction and happiness to anxiety and embarrassment. This is how it sounds in my head.

"Oh happy day! Look how far I've come. 22 months ago I didn't even know I could sing like this let alone write my own songs. Yippee I made a CD!" 

Then my freaked out self pipes up.

 "What exactly do you think you are doing? I feel very uncomfortable all the time thanks to you and your big ideas."

Then my dreamy cheezy self rebuttals 

"Haven't you been listening to our inner voice? You need to go watch Oprah's Life Class and say your prayers tsk tsk tsk"  

Then anxious insecure girl says.

 "Need I remind you that your daughter's best friend who is 12 can play the guitar better than you? And anyway, you're squinting in that picture" 

Then cheezy positive girls says

 "Hush. You must grow up and stop being afraid to try. Making mistakes and doing things even when you're not perfect at them is the only way to learn and move forward and I know I'm squinting, haven't you read what I just wrote up there?"

Just so you know I've been writing this blog post while my twins keep getting out of bed and  talking and laughing and screaming and complaining and I keep having to put them back in bed and open the windows because Sarah is hot then close the windows because it's too cold then threaten to take all their toys away if I have to tell them to get in bed one more time and Sarah says "OK, do it" which makes me laugh and not sound convincing. 

Here is anxious insecure girl's Demo CD cover. Except her CD has no songs on it because she was too scared to try ;)

Let me know if you want cheezy positive girl's demo CD. I'll give you one for free. 

Even if you live in Cote d Ivoire in West Africa and speak French, I will still mail one to you.

Insanity avoided

The lovely setting for our hike

 Is it just me or does my mouth look freaky in that picture.

Can you see Emmaline and Luke way up at the top? 

Gwen was scared, poor girl.

Luke and Lincoln. Best friends since they were tiny babies. 

Hiking during the usual after school crazy time was a great way to avoid loosing my sanity yesterday. 

 I had 2 of our favorite neighbors along with my 5 and only one of them was a complainer.

 Maybe you can tell from the picture who the complainer was.....

Nate worked really late so when I got home we had left overs then bathed the dog and went to bed. 

Poor Gwenyth had a scary witch dream the night before so she didn't want to go to bed.

 She told me, 

"I saw the witch mom. I saw her face and I saw her hands. She touched me. She shut my mouth." 

 I wouldn't want to go to bed either. 

When I was about her age I used to have a reoccurring nightmare about hiding in an old abandoned house inhabited by a witch.

 I was hiding under a blanket while she walked from room to room looking for me. Scary!

 Nate said he remembers a witch dream from when he was little. 

A scary witch came riding  into his room on a tricycle with a head light. 

Last night Emmaline and I tried to comfort Gwenyth. She was so scared to go to bed. 

 Emmaline put the twin's mattress on the floor side by side so she and Sarah could snuggle. 

We Put the dog in between them and put a night light in their room. 

Gwen was so distracted by the novelty of it all she went to bed happily and fell asleep fast. 

The long hike I'm sure helped her be nice and sleepy. I'm glad to say she slept all night undisturbed. 

It is cold and cloudy and a bit rainy today so I'm glad we were outside yesterday. 

The twins had dance class this morning so I used my free 45 minutes to take myself on a date to In-N-Out Burger. 

10:15 in the morning and I was ordering a burger and fries with a coke and a chocolate shake.

 I've been craving this meal for at least a week and since it was a rough morning with AnnaKate and Luke I decided to treat myself.

 I was surprised they were open that early and I was surprised there were like 7 men in there who were also craving a burger at 10 in the morning.

  Is there a point to this post? 

Was I going somewhere meaningful today? 

I guess not. 

The twins are off to pre-school now. 

Shall I go fold and put away my 7 loads of laundry or should I lay on my bed to read and think?.....

Easy choice.

P.S. 

the demos are ready to be paid for and picked up. I'll be heading out to Salt Lake to get them in the morning. 

P.P.S.

my solo in Sacrament Meeting for October was moved to November 20th and then was postponed till January. Not by me. I was ready and willing to do it in October but things keep coming up I guess....

at least I'm willing. 

Have a great day and I hope you don't have any scary witch dreams when you go to sleep tonight. :)

marsh lands and messy houses

 This is where we went today. It's called Farmington Bay. It's basically a big marsh land.  These marsh lands run into the Great Salt Lake. It's very close to my house. I wanted to go see if I could spot some pretty birds. Of course I had Gwenyth and Sarah and our little friend Sarah J. so I couldn't get too serious about spotting birds. If I would have had a pair of binoculars, bug repellent and a very nice camera I would have been set but instead I had 3 little girls, a dog and a so so camera. It was still beautiful. It was fun to have the windows down so we could hear all the pretty and interesting bird calls. We saw tons of fish teaming in the river that flowed into one of the big ponds. We even saw a very cute fluffy tailed skunk. Clearly I didn't take this skunk picture but this skunk is as cute as the one we saw but ours had a fluffier tail. 

 We even got to see this giant blue heron as we were leaving.

 He heard us and flew off. 

What a sight to see his big self fly off.

 We stopped at the pumpkin patch since it was close by. 

They have a hay maze that the 2 Sarah's loved.

 Gwenyth wanted to sit in the car and snuggle the dog.

Aren't the red mountains pretty.....

When my kids get home from school I am going to force them to get in the car so we can go on a hike before it gets cold tomorrow :(  

 I say force them because the 3 older kids must be forced into family outings these days.

 They walk in the door and start pelting me with requests. 

Mom, can I call so and so and can you drive me there and we need to go buy me stuff for my Halloween costume and can you take me to the store and my head hurts and my leg hurts and I'm hungry and we have no good food in this house and so on and so forth.

 It's 3:18 right now. Emmaline should walk in any moment, then the other 2 kids. Sometimes between the hours of 3:30 and 7pm I am barely hanging on to my sanity. Barely. 

If we take a hike maybe I can skip the insane part of my day....

Speaking of sanity.

 Nate asked me what I wanted to do over this past weekend. I said paint our bathroom. 

He said he wanted to go to Hyrum to our family home. He then suggested he'd take the kids and leave me here alone...........................alone you say?...........................oh my goodness gracious I'll take it!!! 

Friday they all left at noonish. I lovingly helped them pack and load the car. 

Kissed them goodbye. 

The kids were like, "mom, you should come" I assured them I'd be just fine, I must paint and clean the house. Off they went. YAHOO!

 I painted my bathroom, and listened to music and had a marvelous time. 

I tell you when I'm alone my body must start producing endorphins at an intoxicating rate. 

Wow It felt great.

 I finished the bathroom around 11pm and fell asleep after watching Oprah's Life Class. 

You can better believe I love watching that show!!! 

I slept in Saturday morning.  I thought I'd clean the house and do laundry then maybe I'd drive up to Hyrum......I started cleaning and got so frustrated with all the kids toys and junk and clothes and shoes!!!! The American curse of having too much stuff!!!!

 I then proceeded to bag up toys and clothes and garbage at an alarming rate.

 I think I must have walked 5 miles with all the running up and down my stairs and all around my house as I tore up closets and drawers, banishing bags of too much stuff up! 

I stuffed Nate's truck full and took it to the D.I. 

 Sometimes as a mom I start to wonder if I'm lazy or really unorganized or old and slow because my house is a mess most of the time.

 This weekend I discovered I am lighting fast, extremely efficient and young and strong. 

I ripped through this house like an organizing, cleaning machine. 

When I have 5 people undoing all my cleaning and dropping there stuff and needing my help when I'm in the middle of a chore, so I stop half way, it creates the illusion that I'm a terrible housekeeper. 

Not so.

 I'm just so out numbered. So that's nice to know. 

I told the kids I was going to crack down on their slovenly behavior. I warned Nate I was going to be obnoxious about the kids picking up there rooms and the house and it was going to be different around here. This isn't a house full of babies anymore so I'm going to start expecting more! Do I sound like a tyrant? Aren't you glad I'm not your mom? All right. The kids are home, time for a hike. I'll post hiking pictures tomorrow hopefully.

Hope you're having a great day and I wish I could read your blog and find out what you're up to...

P.S.

Demo's should be done this week. If you want one with my picture and the song titles printed on the CD let me know. I'll have 100 of them. Well, 99. I'll keep one for myself.