just when I thought my blog was getting boring....

Hollyhocks always remind me of my Grandma Cleo.

She had some that grew by the side of her house and once she made a doll for me using the blooms.

Summer is officially here. It has been so hot and dry. There have been fires all over Utah. 

My lawn looks half dead and it's June 29.

My Hydrangia is happy though :)

My one and only cousin on my mom's side is here visiting from Georgia. 

I'm so happy she is here.

We have been busy preparing for her arrival and now she is finally here.

It's going to be a fun week

My days are full.

Some days I'm in love with my life, other days I'm the epitome of complete apathy toward my life.

I feel like laying on my bed and not moving. It all seems like too much work.

Every day I think of writing about my messy, confusing fascinating (to me) life. 

Every day I don't seem to want to make the time to squeeze it in. 

I don't want to go to the effort to organize my thoughts and feelings in a way I feel comfortable publishing. I've even been skipping the journal writing.

Summer with kids in a big happy, social, mormon neighbohood is busy and intense. 

Not very much time for quiet reflection. 

I thought I'd be recording and practicing and singing more this summer. Instead I'm going to doctor's appointments for me and for Emmaline. I feel like I'm taking care of what is most important and everything else is patiently waiting.....

Emmaline has been going to a chiropractor that specializes in  chiro-mat. The mat stands for  muscle activation technique, for her knee and hip pain. 

She is feeling so much better!

I have been going to the same clinic for my interesting hormonal situation.

My blood tests came back that I am post menopausal.

Did you hear me?

I said post.

Like it's already happened.

Like my body pulled the wool over my eyes and snuck me through menopause in my mid thirties.

I thought my iud was what made my cycle stop.

Let's pray my mother never reads this post. She would pass out at my openness.

Now I can look back at the past couple of years with a whole new understanding.

I can also look back with so much mercy for myself.

I've done pretty well considering all the crazy changes my body has made it's way through. 

I found an article called The Wisdom of Menopause.

It describes perfectly what the past couple of years have been like for me.

Especially 2010.
Who knew menopause wasn't all bad?
Not me.
My brain really did morph.
More on my menopausal journey later, now I must go to sleep and hope for sweet dreams.
Goodnight.

Jupiter Summer

Gwenyth posted this before I was done. She is a very tech savvy 5 year old. 

Here is the finished post :)

I've come out of a 3 day rough patch. 

The house is quiet and I am having clarity in my mind and heart. 

I better use this time fast and get a blog post up!

You see that picture? That's me and my friend Bridget recording Jupiter. Actually we are just pretending to play it. 

You have to record each instrument including the vocal one at a time. 

Bridget is my good friend who moved into our neighborhood a short time ago. 

She has adorable children that my daughters love to babysit. 

Her fourth little child is inside her growing at this very moment! 

That is a lucky baby to hear cello music while in the womb. 

Maybe that's why her kids come out so smart. 

Bridget nimbly plucking the strings of her cello.

I tried to record Jupiter last summer but it just wouldn't work.

 After I wrote Jupiter I would sing it and hear in my mind a cello. 

Lo and behold a cello player moved in around the block. We became friends. 

This summer, between all our children and her pregnancy and everything else, we were blessed with some time to work on the song together and record it! 

Miracle.

Last night my family was invited to a family home evening at the Smith's house again.

 They have several foreign exchange students and are always having fun parties at their house. They invited me and Bridget to come play our little song together.

Our first gig together Bridget! ;)

 All of these beautiful people in this picture are from South Korea.

 I think they are brave and smart to come all the way from Korea, learn english, work, study, live with people they have never met. 

Wow, I'm impressed with their adventurous spirits. 

We have gotten to be friends with a few of them and feel so lucky to know them.

They have made my kids feel so special and given them a great experience learning about another country and culture.

Last night before I sang Jupiter I told the group of 25 people or so the story of the experience that inspired Jupiter. I honestly think I like telling the story as much as I like singing the song.

It felt so good to be in a group of open hearted people that were all ears as I shared something that was personal and wonderful to me. 

I'm hoping we can keep in touch on Facebook 

The internet makes the world so much smaller.

Good thing because I am learning we are all so much more alike than we are different. 

I'm glad I have a walk in closet

I would love to tell you about how I recorded one of my favorite songs but I'm trying to recover from doing Saturday breakfast and chores with my children.

 Nate got up early to go help a neighbor re roof and then he had to go in to work because he has a big trial so he was only there for the good part of the morning. 

Breakfast.

 He missed Sarah's long screaming session on the couch "you are the worst mom ever! It's taking too long!"  I didn't dare transport her to her room to scream because I was pretty sure I'd spank her bum HARD all the way up the stairs so I stayed at the stove stirring oatmeal.  

He also missed the several cat fights the kids got in. 

He missed me giving Sarah her new shorts and new skirt as a reward for doing all her chores (hallelujah!) But then hating them because the shorts were scratchy and the skirt bugged her. (more wasted money on cute clothes that sit in the drawer!) 

I found it neccesarry to sit in my closet and cry. 

I wonder if Nate was at home and I was at work if he would spend as much time as me crying in the closet.?

In an effort to pull my self up by my bootstraps I started listing things I was thankful for.....while crying. It sounds silly now. I get so overwhelmed by all me and my husband are doing  in our lives.... sometimes it makes me want to cry in my closet then go to sleep and let the kids do what ever the heck they want. 

In fact that is still sounding like a pretty good idea. Maybe a 30 minute power nap will give me the oomph to help Emma finish getting ready for girls camp and help me find that elusive father's day gift for Nate. 

 I'm tired because I was out late last night helping a friend. My neighborhood is like my extended family. We take care of each other. Sometimes it's hard for me to know if we are striking the right balance between taking care of my own little family and taking care of our neighborhood family. 

I love helping my friends because they actually enjoy my company and say thank you.  

My kids....not so much. 

I think I'll go take that nap and hope things look better after some sleep. I hear the TV on in the basement. 

The voice in my head that always tells me what good mothers do is telling me to go turn it off. 

The survival instinct in me says go sleep while they watch TV it's your only chance! 

Save yourself!

4 fabulous days of summer

Four Fabulous Days of summer.

I'm only posting the happy fun stuff and leaving all the fights and drama out.

Just letting you other mom's know so you don't leave here thinking I have a perfect life with perfect children who I parent and teach perfectly.  ;-)

Daddy built a tree house a couple of weeks ago. So fun for the kids. 

Its been fun for all of us.

We all sat up there for Family Home Evening. 

We listened to this story and laughed.

It can hold all 7 of us. 

Good job daddy.

The 3 bigs even slept out in the tree house.

I had my guard dog Tabitha sleep with them.

She has lazer eyes.

I took a walk with my mission companion and her 5 kids. She wanted to go the the beautiful boardwalk through the salt marsh  of the Great Salt Lake.

The forecast said 77 degrees and partly cloudy.

It was perfect weather  until we arrived. 

Then it turned freezing and WINDY!

Her 3 year old twins were horrified. 

The other kids thought it was an adventure.

It didn't stop Catherine and I from having fun.

Love you dear friend!  Check out her blog at wildnprecious.com

Her writing always opens up my heart.

We had a crepe making party at my friend Michelle's house.

It was delicious and very fun!

After we stuffed ourselves the kids played on the slip and slide even though it was still cold outside.

Michelle hooked the hose up to the warm water, that's why they are all huddled there.

I have loving all the relaxing and fun that summer brings.

Late nights and fun days in our neighborhood.

A post about some songs I've been working on coming soon! 

Oh boy I have been able to spend a couple hours this week getting some songs ready to record.

I love it.

It's so satisfying.

Tell you about it soon and I'll even be able to post the songs on my other sites. :)

www.wildnprecious.com

too serious

Sometimes I think I take my life too seriously. 

This video of funny cats really hit the spot.

When I chill out and play with my kids life is so good.

When I relax and play around on the guitar, songs that need out of me,

 come out. 

When I'm happy my whole family is happier. 

So here's to a summer of relaxing and not taking life too seriously. 

Everything is going to be OK

forgetful freak out

I forgot to take a picture because I started to freak out. 

That's where we were sitting today to practice some songs for summerfest.

We are going to practice next Friday and record next Saturday hopefully.

Danny came over last Friday and I had fun the whole time we worked and somehow avoided any anxious thoughts. Last week our  one hour writing and practicing session gave me a week's worth of joy. 

This Friday for some reason I started to spiral down before he even arrived. 

I don't even know it's happening till I'm already sweating and not thinking straight.

After Danny left I sat there with my panicky self trying to figure out what toxic thoughts I was letting circulate through my blood stream.

It was these ones.

I'm not good. I'm not ready. My song is boring. Too repetitive. My voice sounds weird.

I can't do this all by myself.

I'm in this all by myself.
What's going to happen?
How is this going to work?

Ok well, I hope I learned my lesson.
Next week I'm going to keep my head in the right place.
It's all going to be about the moment.
No jumping ahead.


Last day of school today!!!
I spent twice as much at Costco yesterday in preparation for 5 hungry kids with their many friends.
I've had a house full of 13 year old girls today.
Oh boy.
I can do summer with all my kids.
We are going to have fun and I'm going to keep my cool and when I don't I'm going to be nice to myself about it.

Happy Friday

human development

I graduated from college with a degree in Human Development.

Humans.
They fascinate me.
Since I'm the human I'm with all the time, I fascinate myself.
Why do I feel all these intense emotions?
Why do I think these many tangled up thoughts?
Why do I do what I do?
Before becoming human I can imagine myself hurling through space towards earth as a big vaporous, electric soul.  I'm sure I was so excited to have a human experience.
 I'm sure I had been studying humans for eons and I couldn't wait to be one and have my own human experience.
As a child I remember observing my older sister and taking notes of what to do and what not to do. Observing, watching and eavesdropping on adults was also a favorite pass time.
My parent used to call me flappy ears because I was always trying to listen to their quiet adult conversations.
By the time I went to college I was still interested in people.
At the timeI was interested in human development so I could be a better mother.
I was hoping it would help me figure out how to raise humans.
I was most interested in early childhood development.
These days  I'm most interested in how middle aged, hormonally imbalanced, human women develop.
I'm  finding it to be very interesting.
Very confusing.

 Observing my own life and development is teaching me more than any college degree.
A recent observation has been that I used to think I'd hate working out at a gym where I would have to be seen by other people. What sounded especially awful was taking the yoga or Pilates classes with a room full of people who might look at me as I struggle to do it right.
It has turned out to be the opposite.
The classes are my favorite. I love being in a room full of people who are focused on the same thing.
It amplifies my own focus. I feed off everyone else's determination. It makes me push myself way harder than I ever would alone.
I'm sure many of you know this already but it has been a happy discovery for me.

I wonder what else I think I hate but really I love?

I used to think I'd hate singing solo's. Especially the thought of standing alone in front of a microphone. That thought 2 years ago made me sick with anxiety.
Now the opposite is true.
Hearing my own voice amplified gives me a rush........
I can't believe I just typed that. I sound  self centered and power hungry. Maybe I am. I am the human I'm studying and observing so that makes me self centered and I do have a desire to have a voice that can be heard in this big world.

I've bought all kinds of guitar accessories. I hope I have some place to use them.  I bought  an  amp, michropone, mic stand, guitar stand, soft guitar case that can be worn like a back pack. Had my guitar fitted so it can be plugged into an amp.  My little musical passion is getting expensive.

I had a fun opportunity to sing for our  youth group at church.
 I sang Jesus Savior Pilot me.
The young men's youth leader is also a pilot for Delta Airlines.
He took the kids 4 at time up in a little plane over their house and over the temple.
The theme was UP. Look up, live up, Arise and shine up.
The air plane ride was a physical experience of gaining a higher perspective that was meant to teach them to get a higher perspective spiritually of themselves and of their own lives.
A higher perspective can help us all make better, truer judgments about ourselves and our decisions about our life.

My other most recent opportunity to sing was for a family home evening with several of the families in my neighborhood.
 My friend asked me to come sing for her family home evening. I thought it would be her family of 3 and her foreign exchange student from Japan.
We get there 30 min late and  there is a room full of people she had invited.
To be honest I was happy there was a room full of people to sing to (although I felt bad for being late) When I sing for a bigger group verses a couple of people it amplifies my focus. I play better, I sing better, I remember the words better.
I sang the one song I had sung for the youth and then they wanted more.
 I was un prepared and I've forgotten most of my songs. Isn't that sad?
 After I've gone through the process of writing a song they have served their purpose for me and I really don't want to sing them over and over.
Well I wish I would have had a few practiced up and fresh in my mind.
 I sang a few and really enjoyed the night.
 I've been practicing so I'll be ready for the next surprise attack ;)

If this post seems long and discombobulated it's because it is.
I have had it partially done for days and days and haven't had time to finish my thoughts and publish them.
I have lots more I want to tell you.
I had soooooooo much fun last Friday.
This Friday I'm going to have sooooooo much fun again.
I'll take pictures and post about it! For real, I will.
Have a great day. Hope you haven't given up on me and my sporadic blog and random ramblings.