the real hunger games

I posted this on my face book page and I had to post it here too.
I remember once hearing a mother of 4 who was a friend of mine say, one day she was realizing she was responsible to feed her 4 small children 3 meals a day for many years to come and that realization had her so depressed and overwhelmed. She had a law degree and taught at a law school and was a very intelligent, capable, steady, woman.  I remember being a little confused at why this realization that she was responsible to feed her kids seemed so overwhelming to her. At the time I had one sweet baby who was still nursing. Nursing for me was the easiest most pleasant way to feed a baby. (Watch Oprah and snuggle up with the baby)  I had no idea what was coming for me! 5 constantly hungry kids, huge Grocery stores, heavy carts,  picky eaters, food budgets to stay with in or not stay with in and feel guilty. Organic or normal, how bad are pesticides really?.... Processed foods so convenient yet so bad.....Oh somebody save me!!!

This video nailed it.

Enjoy

bringing the past into the present....20 year high school reunion

School starts tomorrow for us.

 Finally.

I'm tired from all the school shopping, and soccer tournaments of the past few days.  

 I've been glad that we didn't start in August. 

It always feels like we are being robbed of our last few days of summer when school starts in August. 

I woke up this morning depressed and lazy.

 Depressed because  the house was a mess and it was the same messes I'm constantly cleaning up.  

It's really depressing to clean  up the kitchen again and again in the same day and then not have the energy to stay up late to clean it up yet again.

 I get really down on life when the kids stuff is all over the place and just the day before we cleaned and organized and got rid of un needed things.

Before becoming a mom I never realized how much of a downer the constant messes and clean up really are. 

I am glad to be getting back into a schedule. 

Maybe having 3 of them eat lunch at school will keep my kitchen cleaner. 

Maybe I can use that gym membership I'm paying for. 

Maybe I can write a song while the house is quiet. 

It's been a significant weekend.

 Friday I made the kids work side by side with me. 

They couldn't believe I wasn't going to let them play or let anyone come over.

 I give my kids way too much freedom sometimes. 

We went through their toys and clothes and filled the trunk of the van to the brim with things to give away. 

Some of it has felt sad to give away.

 The last remaining baby blankets, not the hand made ones by me or my mom or my grandmas of course. 

Sippy cups. Sarah wouldn't let me get rid of them till she was officially a big school girl. 

Baby toys. My twins are 5 and going into kindergarten. It's time to clear out the closets and kitchen cupboards. 

It's time to pass on what we don't use anymore and make room for all the good things coming our way. Bring our home up to the present day.

 It was hard work but rewarding work. 

Friday night was day one of my 20 year high school reunion.

Interestingly my reunion felt a lot like cleaning out my house.

  Bringing things from the past out into the present and then letting them go.

Rearranging my thoughts and feelings up to what is true and relevant today. 

We met in our high school cafeteria the first night.

I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but some friends talked me into it.

I have recurring bad dreams that I have to go back to high school, that I didn't really graduate. 

I have to go back and retake math or biology.

I've always lost my schedule and I'm rushing to get to the main office to see if they can give me a copy of my schedule. 

Sometimes the bell rings and I don't have a copy of my schedule and I have no idea where to go.

I went to high school before the Internet existed so there is no looking it up on line on my cell phone like kids can do now. 

I'm usually half naked in these horrid dreams. 

No one seems to notice my lack of clothing. 

 Even I don't realize I'm indecent till I'm in a conversation with the teacher in front of the class and I suddenly look down to see I'm exposed.

This is one of the reasons I wanted to go to the reunion, so I could walk the halls fully clothed and repeat out loud.... 

I've graduated. I don't ever have to come back here. 

There is the main office but I don't need to have them print me off a schedule. Remember this!

I'm sure this dream symbolizes all kinds of things from my psyche. 

I think I have some ideas of what it all means. 

I've known these twins since the 4th grade. 

They are just as darling now as they were when we were 9.

I've know Kim since I was 4. My mom used to tend her and her twin sister Miki when we were all little.

So many people told me I look like my mom. I loved hearing that. 

Many of my friends remembered my mom's chocolate chip cookies being the best they've ever had. They also remember her vacuum tracks.....both of these traditions I have not kept up in my home making. 

This was the funnest moment of the weekend. 

Talking and laughing with Stephanie and Meggin.

It was pitch dark, 1:30 a.m. and raining when we took this pic. 

We were laughing so hard. 

The second night of the reunion was a nice dinner at the Snow Bird Cliff  Lodge.
Spouses were invited to this night.  

It brought back so many awkward feelings from high school for me.

I wasn't really one of the cool kids.

I wasn't really a nerd, my grades weren't good enough for that. ;)

I was kind of aloof my first 2 years and then finally my senior year I got involved in things.

I felt kind of....out of place, odd, insecure in high school, like so many people do. 

It's strange how easily these feelings were stirred back up in me.

It was also wonderful to feel so different about myself and my life in the present day. 

It was a jumble of feelings.

I was also shocked at how many people and how much I have forgotten from high school. 

I guess our brains let go of informations we don't need. 

When I  came home the first night at 2 am my husband was waiting up for me.

It felt delicious to curl up with him in my present day, wonderful, safe and loving life.

The words of a Lori Mckenna song describe my feelings that night with Nate perfectly.

"I don't know all the names for the useless burdens in my soul

 but I will lay them down while I lay with you and I'll let them go

feel comfortable 

underneath my skin

can't afford to lose this love we are in"

There is so much more I could say here and maybe I will someday.

I'm still trying to figure it out actually. 

Life marches on....

Tomorrow, back to school for my children and back to work for me.

Work being, getting up early to read and pray like I used to.

Go to the gym when the kids are at school.

Write a song.

Find someone to sing that song to.

Get better at the guitar. 

Take naps.

Watch Oprah.

Get to the store for heaven's sake! 

I woke up this morning depressed and lazy.

I go to bed tonight feeling renewed and reminded of my purpose and my joys.

Tidying up the house, going out to dinner with the family

 and most of all,
back to school father's blessings given to me and the children by Nathan.
 I've been brought me back to myself.
At least for tonight ;)

First day of school pictures coming soon :)

performing live.....owning it

photo by Darin Brunner

I'm out of blogging practice. It's been since August 9th since I've posted anything and now it's August 29th. 

I have been utterly unmotivated to do certain things since August 11th. 

I don't seem to want to 

cook

clean

exercise

organize

wake up before 8 am

did I say clean?

or blog.

That is the list of things I've been dodging as much as possible.

I think I've felt so relieved to have this show done I just went limp.

I've also wanted to get as much fun as possible out of my last 3 weeks of summer.

I am now down to 4 days till school starts so really I'm being responsible 4 days sooner than I have to.

So here is my honest report

on my very first real show 

It didn't all come together till the week of.

I stressed out the 2 months before wondering if Danny my guitarist friend was going to be able to perform with me or if I should just plan on being up there alone.

At the beginning of the summer Danny and I got together and practiced 5 songs to do together at Summerfest but then he could never get together till a few days before so we only had time to do 2 songs.

I wasted a lot of energy being freaked out over this. 

I also spent a lot of time mad this summer that I didn't have the chance to recorded more songs with him.

I stressed out over wondering if I would even perform at all.

I was planning on doing this festival last summer but then my grandma died and I was on a plane to Georgia. 

I was kind of wondering and even hoping for some divine interventions to get me out of performing this summer. Maybe I'd never have to perform.... 

But finally 3 days before I was to perform  I got together with Danny. 

We practiced Reprimand and then

 we finished working out the kinks on my song called Silver Compass. 

Wish I could sing it for you right now.... 

I don't know when I'll get that one recorded.

Danny is an awesome guitarist and I think a while back he was keen on the idea of working with me. 

He is not so much anymore, he is busy and has other projects that are more important to him.

I get that. 

I hope I can either miraculously become an amazing guitarist or find another awesome guitarist who wants to work with me. 

3 days before I got together with Bridget and practiced Jupiter. (My song about my great great grandfather's guitar) 

I then played her two of my other songs she has never heard before.

 In my imagination I could hear a cello.

She listened, then dove in with her cello.

It sounded so beautiful, I was so happy. 

I love what she came up with. 

It sounded so fitting for the songs and brought out the emotion I was trying to create.

I love the cello and I love Bridget.

photo by Darin Brunner

My shirt says something in French. Anyone know what? I just liked the picture of the bike since  I love riding my bike and I love the yellow bird since I love my yellow canary.

These pictures are of day one. 

I was scared and embarrassed.

 Mostly embarrassed. 

Embarrassed that I can't play the guitar the way I hear it in my head. 

Embarrassed that I'm aiming to be a professional singer song writer....who do I think I am? What gives me the right? 

These underlying feelings made me sweat and kind of have an apologetic attitude.

 For example I said to "listen to the cello not me" or I also said "when I grow up I hope I can play the guitar like Kaytlin"

she is my 13 year old friend who played with me for my song Swim away. 

I could leave all these details out but I'm trying to keep an honest record here. 

I was pleased with how the performance went over all. I think I only made some minor guitar flubs and minor glitches in my voice that I think only I could hear.

photo by Darin Brunner

this picture makes me want to get fake eyelashes since mine are no where to be found. I do like my eyebrows though.

photo by Darin Brunner

Darin whitened my teeth in this picture....nice

Darin is the sweet heart I hired to build me a website and photograph this performance for me. 

I haven't had the nerve or guts or whatever it takes for me to watch this video yet. 

I hope I sound OK.

photo by Darin Brunner

Day two

I honestly had so much fun the second day.

I went to a wedding of Nate's first cousin that morning. 

We were out in the heat and it wore me right out. 

Right before I was to go up and perform I was so tired and hot. 

I felt the back of my neck and head and arms tingling in this weird way. 

I think it was the energy of my fear and embarrassment I had been clutching on to evaporating off me. 

I was too tired to hang on to it. 

I got up there and honestly felt like the stage was mine and the audience was there to listen to me.

 I owned it.

 I owned the hope I have to be a real live singer song writer that sells her music and people want to hear her songs.

 I want that. 

I used to hide behind the belief that God wanted me to do this. 

Maybe he does but I also feel like he wants me to do this because he knows how bad I want to do it. He doesn't want me to hide behind him. 

I think God wants us to be honest about what we want.

Not that we'll always get what we want but being honest is the only way to progression and I think it's all about the progression and growth of our souls...

photo by Darin Brunner

I loved holding that dang microphone. I loved singing in it too. Can you see how pleased I am? 

On day one I didn't feel like I could hold the microphone, like it wasn't mine and I was just an apologetic scardey up on the stage posing like a singer. 

I left it in the mic stand and stood there and sang.

Day two I followed my sister in law's, my Aunt, and my husband's advice to 

"Own it!" 

After the first day they all came up to me separately and said essentially the same thing. 

Don't worry about what you think you can't do or who you are or are not. Don't apologize. You can sing, the audience is in your hands. Own it!

So I did.

photo by Darin Brunner

photo by Darin Brunner

My nephews and nieces filled the whole first row! Oh the love and beauty!

It's hard to wait for another opportunity to perform with Bridget.

I loved the way she makes my songs sound.

Behind that cello is her baby boy growing inside her miraculous body. 

Yay Bridget!

After the performance I went to dinner with my side of the family. It was wonderful.

Aren't they lovely?

That is my hot sister in the skirt. She is single and is ready to date. I'm keeping my eye out for sweet, kind, hardworking handsome men. 

This is a really long post and it's kind of all over the place. I obviously had a lot pent up in me. 

How ya doing there? Hope I made sense. 

P.S.

To all my family and friends who came and supported me. Thank you. I love you. I tried to soak up all your encouraging words. Thanks for saying I did well and that you are not just saying that! It was so fun to sing for you.

finally singing

Summerfest

I've been practicing this week. 

It's been very fun. 

If you want to come to the Bountiful City Park (200 west 400 north) on Friday (that's tomorrow!) at 3:00 pm

Or Saturday at 4:00 pm

I'll be singing some of my songs. Most of which I have not recorded, or, are new. 

I love these little songs I'll be singing. When I wrote them I wasn't just trying to write a nice song.

 I was trying to capture something only my heart knew.

 I was trying to capture some joy or sweetness that seemed hard to put into words. 

That kind of makes them scary to sing in front of other people.

Danny Heslop

Sometimes I forget how to sing when he plays the guitar for my songs. 

I stop and just want to listen to him play.

Kaytlin

She is playing the ukulele with me on my Swim Away song.

The girl has rhythm and a sweet voice. 

Someday she'll have her own cd.

Bridget Lee

She is adding her dream come true cello playing to a few of my songs. 

I love the way they sound with her playing along.

Maybe I'll see you this weekend. Maybe not, because you live very far away, but I'll tell you how it goes. 

Happy Hyrum

Here are the rest of my pictures from our Hyrum house vacation with the family. 

I only have one picture of the beach because I was having too much fun swimming and reading and eating to bother with the camera.

We had a family fun run. Here are some of the younger kids before a race.

Here they are after they ran and ran and won their medals. 

They are so darling. 

Sarah and Gwenyth are getting so big. They got such a kick out of racing their cousins. 

I told Nate to wait till everyone sat down for dinner and then to take a picture. He said he wanted a picture of reality. The reality being that I was always the first one to get my dinner and sit down at the table. 

Have you ever seen the movie Dan In Real Life? Our family reunions are very similar. We have a talent show. Here is uncle Chad doing a dramatic reading of a Junie B. Jones book. (wearing his wife's swim suit bottoms over his shorts?...)

Do I really admit this is my husband? 

This picture creeps me out. 

The kids loved his pantomime act. 

All the kids shared dancing and singing talents and even tumbling and joke telling. 

It was a very fun and relaxing trip!

We danced on the front lawn well past bedtime and probably drove the neighbors nuts.
Then in the morning we played soccer games on the front lawn. I danced but declined playing soccer. I avoid pain if I can.

Trying to keep up with all the summer fun is pretty much impossible but at least I'm trying.
I've been practicing my songs. It has felt so good to be singing them again. Many of them I have forgotten and have had to re learn. More practicing tomorrow. Friday at 3 and Saturday at 4 is when I perform them and the Bountiful Park. It will be fun. I have a couple of friends doing some of the songs with me. That makes it very fun for me.
Hope to be blogging soon and hope my website will be done this week.

More Hyrum pictures coming soon but for the time being I just thought I'd type a few lines to let you know I'm still here. I've been working on getting a website built. The pro I have doing it for me is great. I am also trying not to count down the weeks till school starts.....that means I'm counting down. 4 weeks and 6 days. The weather is perfect though so we are enjoying our last month of summer.
I've also been practicing some songs for the  performance I have coming up on August 10.  I'm performing at 2:30 and 6:30 on Friday the 10th at the Bountiful City park. I think it will be fun.....except for the times when I don't think it will be fun. That's another post. We are loving the Olympics, are you? It really makes me want to live in London for a summer or forever. I better go so I don't burn the dinner I'm trying to make.
See you soon
Kristen

Family Reunion Week

I took a bike ride this morning.

I fell in love again

with small town, rural Utah

I pedaled the bike up and down quiet streets. 

I went down the hills fast and windy, then had to pedal standing up to go back up the hills.

Riding a bike makes me feel like a little kid.

I think that's why I love riding a bike.

The smell, sight and sound of the stream was delightful and peaceful.

The perfect respite from the throngs of loud, beautiful nephews and nieces, plus my own 5 kids back at the Hyrum house.

If I had a milllion bucks I'd ask the family that lives in this old church if I could restore it. 

Put stained glass back in where now it has been boarded up. 

Cut the trees down that cover up the beauty of the other side of the church.

I wonder what it looks like inside?

I need to make friends with these people.

I'll be posting many more Hyrum pictures.....

The kids, the beach, the food.