my new baby

I have had a baby.

It's a miracle

no pregnancy needed

he was dropped off to me one morning while he slept peacefully in his carseat

He woke up to me 

His new mommy

I trusted him and he trusts me

I love my big fat boy!

Wesley is my dreamy boy's name

My kids are in love with him almost as much as I am

I think we have put him down only when he sleeps or insists!

We went to church with him

people kept asking me if he was my baby?

Yes

He is

I hid him in my uterus

and then birthed a 20 pounder! 

He is my baby

till Tuesday night

When his first mom 

flies home from Mexico

till then, he is my baby boy

and I have 6 kids

I love having 6 kids

It works and I can do it

nice to know

Mess to Magic

I have these moments of joy and enlightenment surge through my body and soul often. 

Everything is clear. 

Everything is good.

 I see value and purpose in all aspects of life. 

In those moments I long to stay there in that clear place.

 I long to send all that clarity and joy out into the world.

 I want to capture it in writing, in singing, in journaling.
I want to give it to my children.....you know to make up for all the ways I feel I'm not giving enough. 

 These moments sometimes last for hours. Sometimes only a few minutes.

 I'm always trying to find my way back to them. How did I get there last time? 

Was it something I did or something that just happened?  

I'm trying to get there today. I'm in an odd place. Some of my closest friends and family members are in hard painful places in their lives.

 I love them so it feels like it's my life too. I realized yesterday how easily I can come all undone.

 I hear about the drama and it sends me to my knees crying. Begging.

 "Thy Will Be Done!'

 I don't even know what to pray for. I feel like a confused little child as I wonder what to even pray for or do for my loved ones in these situations. 

 I'm also at a strange waiting place in my own life. Waiting for closure. Waiting to see what I should do next. Wanting so much to feel like I'm doing what God wants me to do. 

I just want to please him. I just want him to take my life over so I know that I'm using my time on earth wisely. 

I've been thinking that's why being pregnant and caring for a  newborn is so satisfying and fulfilling. 

I KNOW I am using my time and my whole body wisely then.  

I was reminded of an eternal truth last night as  I was watching Nanny McPhee with my kids. 

Oh the wisdom of Nanny McPhee. 

How I wish I had her powers of low, calm taking, with a magic staff to deliberately pound when necessary!

 The wedding scene at the end when Simon the oldest son is asking Nanny McPhee what he should do. The horrible Ms. Quickly is storming off and no longer wants to marry their dad. 

He knows there must be a wedding to save his siblings from poverty, but who? 

Wise Nanny tells him to think. He is a very smart clever boy. 

Think. 

 Then the children realize that Evangeline and Daddy love each other and should marry!
The children help daddy and Evangeline realize it too.

   Everything goes from a mess to magic! 

The heavens open and send down snow making everything white and new. 

  I love this movie. 

It makes me cry. I love it because it's true.

 I love it because I feel like Simon asking Nanny McPhee what to do.

 Except I'm me and I'm asking God my Heavenly Father. 

Just tell me what to do "I love to obey thy command!" to quote a line from a favorite hymn of mine. Sometimes I hate it but God loves me enough to let me think on my own. 

To let me think, what do I want? What do I think would work best? 

Then he magnifies and multiplies my efforts. I've seen and felt him do this in my life over and over.
I've felt the energy shift from mess to magic in my body and soul, in my car, in my room where ever I happen to be.
 Saying I am grateful for these moments is an understatement. 

Shouting Glory Hallelujah is much more fitting.
I'm also seeing that the mess is part of the magnificent order. It looks like a mess because I can't see the whole picture but it is the only way on the path to the magic.
For example
 Last summer we took the family up the canyon for a picnic.
Nate packed hot dogs and marsh mellows and soda pop and one redeeming watermelon thank goodness .
The camp ground was dusty and it was late summer so the scrub oak trees looked dull and tired.
As we ate our high sodium, high fat, highly processed all American meal I wondered if nitrates were as bad for our bodies as I've read. I wondered if high fructose corn syrup  was really toxic for the human liver?
 If so then why were my kids so healthy?
My husband was determined to have a nice family outing so he didn't let his dull tired wife bring him down.
After our picnic we decided to to take a hike.
We found a trail head and started hiking into the unknown.
A few minutes into the hike it got steep and muddy. We were on the edge of the mountain so sometimes there would be no trees on the downward steep side and we'd be sure to hold the twins hands so they didn't go sliding down the mountain.
I felt my spirits start to rise when I realized all 5 of my kids were great hikers .
The twins were not babies that needed a lot of help or complained and wanted to be carried.
They kept up with the big kids and I was impressed watching their strong coordinated little bodies navigate the trail.
Then we started into a little canyon. I smelled one of my favorite smells.
A mountain stream.
The path lined up next to a happy gurgling stream.
The trees don't look dull and tired here. There are tall green pines and wild columbines and bright red berries growing  on low shrubs.
Then we come upon a rope swing some lovely person has rigged up.
It's sturdy and swings long and high.
We swing and swing and swing.
Mess to Magic!

Gwenyth

Sarah

Luke

AnnaKate

Emmaline

kindness + purity + capable = Nathan

Isn't his olive skin pretty?

Yes, it is.

I've just arrived.

I didn't plan on writing about this beautiful day, I just sat down at my computer hoping to go from mess to magic in my head.

Thank you.

Thank you to myself for wanting to get there.

Thank you to who ever and what ever magical divine powers that get me there.

Thank you for all the love in my life that I can roll around and hold in my mind that bring me back.

Energy shifts and speeds up in vibration.

My heart slows and opens.

My eyes blur from grateful tears but finally see clear.

watching my thoughts

Wesitn Keirland Resort in Scottsdale

I went with Nate on a business trip to Arizona.
He had Legal Education Courses that he attended. 
They very kindly had the classes at this nice resort so you could bring your true love with you. 
As his true love, I was very grateful to lounge around while he learned how to be a better lawyer.
He also used his time wisely working on client development.
 In lawyer land that means taking potential clients golfing and then to dinner.
 I benefit from all this with free meals and meeting new people. 
Besides it being a work trip it was just so nice to be with him without the kids. 

It was our birthday, Christmas and Valentines gift to each other.

I even went to the spa and had a cranio-sacral massage.

You might think I'm nuts but I also tried acupuncture for the first time.
I've been fascinated by asian medicine since I took a class in college in my 20's.
 I love learning about other cultures, medicines, religions and philosophies. 
There is so much to learn and experience in life and this trip was a reminder of that happy fact.
As I walked around the grounds I saw species of birds that I have never seen. 
Hearing their  calls that were new to me made me so happy. 
There is so much to learn and experience and see that I have never learned, experienced or seen! 
That realization makes me excited about life

It was nice to see that in Arizona there is green grass, orange trees, blooming geraniums and bunnies nibbling on the grass.

I would have loved one more day there. 

Bunnies! For Heaven sakes BUNNIES!

At the resort as the sun was setting this talented player of the bagpipes would play his lovely melodies.

Isn't his outfit beautiful?

His dad plays too and taught him how to play. His dad owns a kilt shop with all the traditional Scottish clothes and bagpipes and all that.

His great great grandparents immigrated here from Scottland to America.

Pretty cool huh.

It made me happy that I have ancestors from Scottland too. 

The Isle of Skye to be exact.

Home again with our little brood.

 This picture is so dark because they are in the fort they built.

They even slept in that fort Sunday night.

Sunday they played together all day like they were best friends! 

I'm not bragging, I'm just so happy.

What could make a mother more happy than to see my oldest two daughters working with my youngest 2 daughters in their kindergarten work books.

Then to see them playing card games and jump rope games all together. 

I know what true joy feel like and I want more.

 I feel refreshed as a mom and like I always do after a trip,

 I'm more determined to be the best mom I can be for my kids.

 Do you do this to yourself after trips. While on the trip I'm asking myself....

"why do you think this whole being a mom thing is so hard?" 

It's like I get away from them for a few hours and I all I remember is how much I love them.

 I forget how being their mom is like this brutal school I'm enrolled in. 

first period: Highly Advanced skills in Patience 505

second period: Cooking for people who hate all food 205

third period: You're the grown up now so act like one! 315

fourth period: How to stop swearing 101

fifth period: The Art of Apologizing

sixth period: Will this day ever end? No.

seventh period: Get ready to do it all again tomorrow!

I bought myself a self help book at the spa. I need to be helping myself as much as possible in the motherhood department.

The book talks about being aware of your thoughts and how powerful your thoughts are.

I have been noticing I resent my kids a lot lately.

I resent how they mess up my house, complain about the food I buy or don't buy, complain about my  cooking. I find myself thinking .... "these kids! They have trashed the basement again! When will they ever learn?!" 

I am watching my thoughts with more vigilance. I am intentionally thinking thoughts like

"my kids get along beautifully"

"My kids are each other's best friends"

"Being a mother allows me so many opportunities for growth"

"I rest when I'm tired, work hard because the work I do is important and play because I'm happy"

These are just a few of my INTENTIONAL thoughts. 

My mind is the most powerful tool I've got and I intend to use it to my advantage!

Have a great day and watch your thoughts!

Love

Kristen

my iPhone can tell the stories of my life

What did we do before cell phones? Specifically smart cell phones? 

My iPhone knows so much about me. 

I've had nightmares that I've lost my phone and then I wake up in tears. 

My phone is basically a journal of my life in pictures. 

It's also a journal of my life in that it has a place you can make notes. 

I write poems, vent uncomfortable thoughts, make to do lists. 

I also record all my songs on my iPhone.

 I record them as I write them so they are in various stages of completion.

 I don't worry how I sound because I'm trying to feel out the melody and words so most of them are a mess. I sometimes even talk my journal into my iPhone so I don't forget things before I have a chance to write them down.

 I have some kind of obsession with recording my life and history.

 Maybe because I've been taught since I was 8 to keep a journal of my life. 

I have kept a journal of my thoughts from the time I could barely spell.  

When I die I hope my kids don't feel obligated to read all of them. 

 What is in them isn't really that vital, it's the process of writing that is VITAL to me.

I was looking through the story in pictures on my phone and had to post a few. 

Life is so full isn't it. 

 The twins are 3 in this picture.

 Time is marching on. Those costumes have since fallen apart from over use. 

My twins are now over 5 and can't wait for Kindergarten. 

My life feels like a dream I had once but I can only remember bits and pieces of. Does yours? 

Thursday's late night store run to get curlers for AnnaKate's 2 feet of hair. 

She is in the school play and needed to have her hair like this for a dress rehearsal. 

 I thought it turned out so pretty. 

I wonder how long she will want to keep her hair long.

 The other day she was so mad at her snarly hair she said she wanted to cut it.

 I was actually thinking "Great! Let's!"

 It would simplify my life if I cut all 4 girls hair.

Once she calmed down she said there is no way she would cut her hair. 

Look how big my boys are getting. 

Only one of them is technically  mine but they have grown up together and I've taken care of Lincoln as much as Luke has been taken care of by Lincoln's mom Kristy.

You didn't know I was half vampire did you? 

It's so awesome being immortal.

Plus with the shine and spread of my nose and forehead, I can see in the dark.

We went to hear President Packer speak in Salt Lake recently.

 He is the senior member of the 12 apostles. 

When I say twelve apostles I mean the real deal. 

Like New Testament real deal. 

They are prophets, seers and revelators for our day!

 Hold that thought in your head until you realize the amazingness of it. 

 He is so straight forward and clear. Nothing is sugar coated.

 I appreciate being taught in this way. 

I don't know how many more years he has left on this earth so it felt like a privilege to hear him speak.

Hyrum Dam all frozen over.

This was fun over the Christmas break to play on the frozen lake.

It was a little freaky too.

Lot's of ice fisherman and crazy people cruising around on four wheelers

I love all my nephew's and niece's

In December I witnessed the birth of my newest niece.

The day before my sister in law was to be induced we were at our Sunday family dinner. 

I asked her if I could come to the hospital with her and see her baby born. 

As the words were coming out of my mouth I was shocked that I was asking for such a privilege.

She said yes like it wasn't too much to ask.

I asked my brother in law how he felt about that and he also acted as if that was perfectly fine.

I was over joyed.

The energy in the delivery room is intense.

Everything went beautifully.

It was such a privilege to be there and feel miracle of the moment. 

It brought back all my own memories of giving birth.

Since I can't give birth on a weekly basis,

I think I'd like to study to be a midwife and witness this miracle on a regular basis.

Sometimes I feel panicky about forgetting all the beautiful little details of my life. 

As a comfort I replay these thoughts in my mind

"All of my life is written and recorded forever in my soul.

Nothing is lost."

I read from the best books.

and these are the truths they teach.

I say it as a mantra as I have to throw away some of my kids school work or art or dozens of their daily drawings. Or when I realize I have no camera to capture some wonderful moment.

"recorded in my soul"

"recorded in my soul"

So, yes. My iPhone does know so much about me

but

All of my life is forever recored in my soul.

Nothing shall be lost.

brain cleansing after a busy week

I haven't stopped being a grown up since I made those chicken tacos on monday!

(I just have to post these pictures of us looking so happy and color coordinated as a reminder that it's not always this nuts at my house)
Oh look! We are so happy and darling.

When I was young I used to think my mom stayed home in a quiet clean house all day doing not much of anything.

  I loved the way her life looked. 

  I never really saw her cleaning much so I thought the house just stayed clean for weeks at time and every once in a while she'd clean it.

  It seemed to me she took a nap every day. She'd study the scriptures and seemed to know everything. 

She read stacks of other books too. Novels, histories, biographies. 

She would spend hours crosstitching. Not just simple little ducks and bunnies but these amazing woven masterpieces done on linen.

 She'd take walks and hikes too. I'd come home from school to a clean peaceful quiet house. 

There would be good food and sometimes even a cake on the counter for an after school snack. 

Cake. 

 It really made me excited to be a mother. 

I think it also gave me this false fantasy notion that being a full time mom allowed for lots of free time. 

 I now know that she was way more organized than me. She was  up at 5a.m., working and cleaning everyday, and that her life wasn't all hiking and napping.

 But still somehow the fantasy persists in my imagination

 And so on the particularly crazy days or weeks of my life I start to get highly annoyed! 

I need a nap! I need cake!

5 kids has felt like 10 kids this week! 

Since when is my life so crazy? Why all the incessant needs? Long homework projects? 

Late night store runs! Drama in the morning!

This morning Nate and I were so baffled by parenthood. 

We were so confused at how to handle a situation that I'm pretty sure we both blew it. 

I asked him how did 2 nice people like us become such flunky's in the parental skills?

My brother James was giving my cousin advise once.
 He said. 

"If you want to become a bad parent, have kids"

It really made me laugh.

(I love Sarah and Gwenyth's face and body language in this picture. )

Plus the fact that it is brown and dead outside isn't helpful. No snow, dead trees, brown grass,
white sky.....I am so nature deprived.

 This time of year I always ask myself "why do I live in Utah?" 

Then I tell my husband I want to move and he smiles and doesn't believe me. 

Have I ever sung for you a song I wrote and dedicated to myself?
 It's called
 "Moodiest Creature Alive"

"I'm the moodiest creature alive. I can cry and yell and think my life is.......
(no, I'm not going to swear just because it rhymes)
I can cry and yell and think my life is
Drab.
So drab.
But in a few hours. Or in a few minutes. I'm happy as a clam. Dreaming again.
Why?
can't I?
Be so steady.
Predictable and free
free from these moods
that torture me"

  Don't you find that to be a fitting song for me tonight? 

I'll have to sing it for you sometime......as soon as I figure out how to work my awesomely user friendly mac laptop.....
I'm just a big stupor of thought when ever I try to make a video on this machine. 

 I'm trying not to worry too much about that. 

Stupors of thought serve a purpose I'm sure.

I think for my next post I'm going to go searching for nature in my neighborhood. I'm going to prove to myself that Utah out my window isn't that ugly after all.




Se

See. 

Utah is so beautiful.

Just not out my windows in February.

Well I am feeling a bit better after that brain cleanse. 

I hope I haven't made you feel worse.

Tomorrow I'm going to make more of an effort to be positive and get swept away in the beauty of my life! 

Because I know it's beautiful 

under all the dead grass and busy days. 

Let's hope the kids cooperate with my plan ;)

Now I'm going to go look at my kids while they sleep. 

Then I am going to kiss them and whisper love in their ears.

Have a great day and I will too!

any minute

having a hard time being a grown up today.  This morning I went to my neighbor's house, my twins played with her kids while I enjoying conversing with her,  she then fed me 2 kinds of homemade soup and homemade apple pie with ice cream. It was so yummy and made me want to cook more often. I do cook....I just sometimes don't and we have french toast or canned raviolis for dinner. Came home, put my self down for a nap while kids played happily. Slept solid for over an hour. Woke up cozy and happy with the sun shining through the windows and hearing kids laugh and play.  Honestly I don't know what I've done from the hours of 3pm to now, (5pm)...Oh ya, I Answered phone calls and talked with my kids and husband. My husband came home early from work and said he was going to work from home. I told him home was for napping and eating and such and made him go up stairs for a late afternoon nap. So that's what he is doing. I'm hoping I can turn into a grown up any minute and make chicken tacos with mango and cilantro for dinner.

I find listening to and watching these guys play to be quite a spiritual experience

the piano and the cello

I'm in love

I will now make tacos.... 

after I watch this video again

hope you are having a great day and enjoying life.

in the moment

how can i write when my mind is wrapped tight

in love

  in waiting

my heart anticipating

it beats just for me

it beats 

i'm free i'm free

she softly wakes me at 5am 

to begin the whole thing again

i'm here then i'm there

yet I'm free

from care

 in the moment 

that seems to be

 the trick

there's plenty of joy

wonder

love

magic 

right there

right here

in the moment

i quiet my mind

leave the chatter behind

i choose my steps carefully

to create the thoughts I want to be