Christmas

Tonight my dad read the Christmas story while my kids and my sister's kids acted it out.

Because I'm a woman and a mother I think a lot of Mary this time of year.

What was it like for her? 

I would love to hear from her, just what she went through and experienced. 

I was thinking of her being told she would be the mother of the Son of God. 

How many nights after that first visit from the angel did she lie awake and marvel?

I love that scripture that says "But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart" 

She had learned of a Savior that would be born someday from the Old Testament prophets and from practicing the law of Moses and now she is told she is to be the Mother of the Savior.

And yet even she and her husband Joseph were not excused from the trial and work of this life. 

They were not above the laws of the land. 

They still had to pay taxes and be counted for the census.

The last thing I would want to do when 9 months pregnant would be to travel by donkey through a hot desert away from my mother or midwife. 

How did she do it? 

This Holy Family traveling, unrecognized for who they were.

A Holy mother and Father and Savior all intertwined with the ordinary work and dust and chaos of 

every day life.

Miracles happening while so many are unaware.

That's how it still works doesn't it. 

The miracles of our life that happen a midst the everyday work and mess.

The quiet personalized ways he communicates with each of us and loves us.

The quiet unseen changes in our hearts as he loves us and teaches us through our little daily experiences.

I can't seem to stop crying today as I think of all the ways he has loved me and helped me.

One at a time.

He whispers.

Straight to your heart.

In ways that are customized for you because he knows you and loves you.

You are so dear to him.

For all the times he's whispered to my heart or sent me his love through light years of time and space that separate me from Him.

 I love Him.

 I believe in Him.

 Even though I've never seen Him

 I've felt His love.

His love is the most real, most precious thing in my life.

He is the author and finisher of our faith. Hebrews 12:12

I know he is the author of my faith. 

my babies are 5

 Five years ago I delivered twins. 

I have always wanted to have twins. 

The day before the twins were even conceived I knelt down by my bed and prayed for twins. 

I knew I wanted 5 kids and I felt like God agreed with me on that number....so I made a humble suggestion that he just go ahead and send both of them. 

I really wanted to skip being pregnant twice. 

I really thought I could handle it. I figured with my height and width I could carry 2 babies well.

 I have very sleepy, content babies you see so I thought it would be manageable. 

As far as mothering skills go I would say I am highly skilled in the newborn baby department. 

(If you need me to tend your newborn don't hesitate to call)

I even gave my ovaries a motivational speech. 

"2 eggs. I know you can do it. Send out 2 eggs." 

I pictured my pretty little ovaries happily releasing 2 floating cells that made up half of my baby's DNA.

I sent those prayers up to heaven with faith.

 I visualized my ovaries obediently sending out 2 eggs.

 Then I forgot about it. 

I let it go. 

I didn't think of it again. 

A few weeks went by and as I expected we were pregnant. I think I felt pregnant the first week.

I remember taking the pregnancy test and realizing my jeans were already tight and uncomfy.

My close friend noticed I was ravenous and always eating.

I honestly forgot about my twin prayers because I mean really, you can't just go asking for twins and expect to get them can you?

I gained 10 pounds the second month. I asked my doctor if I seemed extra big.

 She said no.

My husband asked me if I thought there could be more than one in there.

 I said no.

 I would most certainly know if I was carrying twins. I am very in tune with my body and if there were 2 babies in me I ought to know.

We went to visit my family in Georgia. My Grandma Helen said I looked big for 3 months and she thought it was twins.

 I said no, it's just a big fat boy like my sweet Luke. 

I honestly believed it was a big fat boy. I honestly forgot about my twin prayer because why hope for something that isn't in my control and maybe isn't the right thing for our family.  

The day of my ultra sound I was wearing maternity clothes. My other 3 pregnancies I wasn't in maternity clothes till 5 or 6 months. My sister in law was a month or more further along in her pregnancy and she came over to my house. I looked at our 2 bellies. Mine was bigger than hers and I was a month behind her. 

What the heck? 

Finally on the ultrasound table the doctor checks out the baby. 

He says. 

"Your baby is just the right size and it looks like your due date is right on." 

I say. 

"Well that's weird because I'm really big and I thought I must be further along or have a super massive boy in there."

 He says in a dry monotone unenthused voice. 

"You are extra big because it's twins." 

TWINS

The word electrified me.

 JOY went surging through every cell of my body.

 I  burst into tears of Gratitude and more JOY.

I've thought a lot about this.

This miracle. This answered prayer.

 I really believe that I didn't just get twins because I thought it would be a good idea so I asked.

 I don't think prayer is like sending up a wish and Deity is like our butler ready to answer our every whim. 

And yet,

 wanting it and asking for it remains a vital part of getting it.

It seems like we can come into alignment with what is right for our lives.

 I think we can feel what's best and even feel the future.

 I think we can feel the future just enough that we pray for it....and  like a magnet, what we want wants us too. Our deepest desires may have even been planted there in our hearts before we ever came to this earth. 

Our deepest desires can pull us and lead us and draw out our most powerful power.

 Faith. 

Our deepest desires can be trusted 

even if later, we talk ourselves out of it with our logical and realistic brains.

Those first few months I couldn't stop marveling over my 2 perfect babies. 

I couldn't stop marveling. 

All those cellular divisions happening inside of me while I was completely oblivious.

Cells dividing in perfect orchestration while I slept, watched TV, ate, played with my kids.

All those cells dividing and dividing to form a tiny intricate heart, beautiful pearl spine, complex and miraculous brain.

 Twice. 

It was all happening twice at the same rate.

Forming these 2 little girls.

And I breathed in and out, my heart pumped, my kidneys cleaned. 

Miracle. 

Twice. 

Emmaline was only 7

Nate was a counselor in the Bishopric.

How was I going to do this?

AnnaKate was 5 and in Kindergarten.

Luke was 2 and half. 

He was still in diapers.

3 kids in diapers.

Wait.

Why did I think this would be manageable?

Did I really think I could do this?

Gwenyth was baby A. 

She was the first to come with a couple pushes. She came out head first.

Sarah was the second one out. She came feet first.

My doctor taught an intern to deliver a breech baby using me and Sarah.

Even with an epidural that hurt.

It hurt Sarah too.

She didn't breath for 3 minutes and 40 seconds. 

They had the little mask and air bag pumper on her face as they pumped air into her tiny shocked lungs.

I laid there on the uncomfortable table shivering while they waited to deliver the placentas.

I could hear Gwenyth crying.

I couldn't hear Sarah.

I laid there and prayed and shivered and felt helpless.

Wait.

Why did I think I was well equipped to handle twins?

Did I really want this?

I asked those questions over and over those first few weeks.

And kept asking the first 3 years. 

It's sunk in deep now.

I know now.

I did want this.

I am capable enough. 

It has been harder than I thought it would be but still.....It is so good and so right for our family.

I wasn't the only one that wanted twins. 

 They had a choice in this too.

 That's something that they need to be reminded of daily.

I think it's sinking in for them too.

 They are getting to be closer and closer every day. 

It is a beautiful thing to watch them pretend and play. 

It is a sweet thing to watch them hug and play with each other's hair. 

I can see why they need each other. 

I can see how it teaches them and gives them courage. 

Sarah said today.

"We are still babies huh mom"

I said yes.

I love you my Gwenyth Cleo and Sarah Caroline.

I'm so happy you came together.

On the hard days let's keep reminding each other the 3 of us wanted this.

life up dates and making progress

Last Tuesday I was having a busy crazy day, 

plus I was trying to figure out what songs to sing at the nursing home that they would know and enjoy. 

Our Internet had been down because of the wind storm so I wasn't able to google any songs.

 The phone kept ringing. I kept ignoring it.

Then my cell phone was ringing. 

I don't ignore my cell phone. 

It was AnnaKate. She said her stomach hurt.

 I, the always skeptical mother when it comes to my kids saying they don't feel well 

told her to eat lunch and go to recess then call me if she still felt sick. 

45 min later on the dot she called. She said she was sick. I said, have you thrown up?  

 She said, No. I said, you're OK. She was mad. Then I tried to practice but couldn't. 

I picked her up from school and took her with me to the nursing home and told her she was going to sing with me. 

We got there and talked to Elaine in her room for a long time. 

Then we sang some songs out in the common living room. 

It ended up being very fun to have AnnaKate sing with me and I was glad I acted on the little nudge I felt to just go get her. 

Then I sang Count Your Blessings.

 I put my own twist on it and made it much more up beat. 

When I finished, Harriet who is 94 and who has slept through my other visits and songs clapped so happy with a big open mouth smile and her face all lit up.

 I can't tell you how happy it made me that I could give her a boost of energy and make her smile.

 It felt so good.

That's when I knew I wasn't going to come in there and sing any mellow songs.

 I'm thinking they want to feel alive the same way I do.

This Tuesday when I went to the nursing home I talked to Elaine in her room for a long time again. 

I really enjoy listening to her stories. She was telling me how her and her x husband were close friends with Neal A. Maxwell and Colleen Maxwell.

 I love Neal A. and have missed his talks since he passed on. It was so fun to hear her stories and I'd like to hear more.

 She also was telling me of some of the troubles she has passed through in her life.

 Woe.

 We went out into the common  room and I sang a few songs for her and Harriet.

 Harriet slept through it all.

 It made me that much more grateful for her applause and smiles the week before.

 I didn't want to sing anyway. I just wanted to listen to Elaine. 

Next Tuesday I'm just going to go listen and talk with Elaine. 

The time of day I'm able to go seems to be every one's Nap time anyway. 

The manager of the nursing home asked me to come sing at the Christmas party they have for the residents and their families on Saturday so that should be fun. 

I'm going to see if my band wants to come with me.

So far my band consists of two 12 year old girls.

 My daughter Emmaline and her best friend Kaitlyn. 

It will make it more fun for me to have there sweet selves with me.

Next I want to tell you about the privilege  I had of singing O Holy Night at the Relief Society Christmas party.

 It will be 2 years in January since I've sung in Relief Society.

 The last time I sang it was a nauseating terrifying experience.
 You can read about it here.

This time it felt like a gift.

 I didn't even get shaky till I was done and sat down.

I only made some minor errors that I hope only I noticed. 

It was tricky trying to get the microphones all positioned, one for my voice and one for the guitar,

and still be able to see my  music.

 Lucky for me they asked me to give the historical background on the author of the song. 

Being able to talk before I sing really helps me chill out and just feel like myself.  

The song is long and takes 5 minutes to sing. My friend Kristy was asked to make a slide show of pictures of the Savior's birth to go along with the song. 

It was nice to have the lights low and know that people could watch the slide show and not me.
As I was singing I was even enjoying it and feeling the spirit of that beautiful melody and words. (miracle) 

 Such a huge contrast from my experience 2 years ago. 

It's nice to know we can grow out of our phobia's, even if it is one painful step at a time.
My mom and mother in law and my friend Melissa came to the hear me sing.
I was so thankful to have their love and support and to have them say really kind things to me after.
Kind words are treasures I hold in my mind and write down in my journal.

Last I'm wanting to alert you to the fact that I had my first real chiropractic adjustment yesterday!
I have avoided this because the thought of anyone popping even my knuckles is distressing to me so to let a chiropractor "adjust" my neck or back sounds like a seriously bad idea. 

But

My back has back has been hurting. I can't keep ignoring it.
It's never good to ignore your body.
 I know this truth but still I ignored it because I was hoping yoga and glucosamine would cure me like always.

Instead yoga seemed to be making it worse! 

It was a bit unnerving to have a big strong man holding my head in his hands and 

snap crackle pop my neck....

or my ribs, or hips...
Apparently I was really out of joint in lots of places.

I feel better already but I'll be going back to get the Pilate's exercises he will be recommending to help me  with the strain it puts on my body to be contorting around that dang guitar and sitting at the computer blogging about my life. 

This blog. 

There is not enough of an energy exchange for it to feel worth it. 

I've avoided one sided friendships my whole life. You know the kind that drain you of energy.

 The kind where you are always giving and they are always taking. 

That seems to be the type of relationship I have with this blog and I 'm beginning to really resent this energy sucking friend of mine named blogger. 

This little musical/blogging venture I've found myself in is getting expensive in more ways than one.


Enough complaining.

I hope you're further along in your Christmas shopping than I am. 

Can you believe it's next weekend!?

I'll be 38 on Christmas day.

38

That's really close to 40

the wind storm of the century

November 30th I stayed up late blogging and reading because Nate was out of town. 

I finally went to bed about 1a.m.

 At 2 a.m. I was awakened by my daughter Emmaline whimpering with fright.

 She is 12 and doesn't usually wake us in the night. It was soooooooo windy and she couldn't sleep

. I told her it was just wind and to go back to bed. An hour later she was back whimpering.

 I told her to get in bed with me since Nate was gone. 

We laid there and felt the air pressure in my room go in and out like the house was breathing.

 It was weird and LOUD. I was tired and didn't care so I fell back to sleep. 

Then Emmaline woke me up saying our tree out front blew down. 

Then I was mad at this mean wind that blew down my pretty flowering tree! 

I tried to go back to sleep but then our big window upstairs started thumping and thudding because it wasn't locked and was fixing to get ripped off the house! 

Then we were both up holding onto the turning handle that closes the window so it wouldn't rip off. 

We sat there in amazement as we watched big dumpsters go flying down the road almost hitting cars driving by. 

Who the heck was out driving in that wind?

We watched power lines snap and fantastic sparks fly over our neighbors roof! 

We sat there in the window seat holding the window shut and watched a man walk up the street.

 When I say walk I mean lean into the wind and almost get blown away! 

It was all so amazing. 

We tried to turn on the news but the power wouldn't stay on. 

Now it's about 6:30 a.m. and all the kids are awake and standing on the window seat, watching the wind.

 We are getting more and more worried about our window getting ripped off. 

I didn't know how we were going to get this window locked.

 To lock it we would have to open it and then finagle the broken lock handle into place to get the latch in the right position. 

The window, when swung open catches the east wind. 

 To open it would really allow the wind to pull it off.

I told the kids to pray hard that Em and I could open the window and get the lock in the right position.

 I imagined my angels helping us hold the window.  

I quickly turned the handle  and opened the window just enough for Emmaline to get the broken lock handle back on and in the right position and then I shut that window and Em locked it!

Whew!

Thank  Heaven and all her Angels, our house stayed in one piece and we were warm and toasty!

I told my kids there was no way I was sending them to school. We had no power so I didn't know if they'd canceled school or not.
 At first they were mad to miss field trips and mad because they couldn't watch TV.
I sat on the couch in shock because the wind just kept blowing!
My father in law came over to see if we were OK.
 He was out driving around making sure people were all right. He is the Stake president so he has a lot of responsibilities to watch out and care for several congregations.
A few of my kids best friends came running across the street to our house almost getting blown away in the process.
 Then I went with the twins and Em across the street to friends.
We were holding their hands but the wind still knocked Sarah off her feet.
If I would have known that my friends trees would blow over soon after we went in their house I wouldn't have stepped foot outside.
I don't think any of us were fully realizing how dangerous and destructive this storm was.

After spending time at our friend's house across the street I ran back home to check on AnnaKate and her best friend Erin. 

They were in the back yard screaming with delight, leaning into the wind.

Then I looked out front and saw that Erin's huge old tree had blown down and was laying on the power lines. I yelled over the howling wind for them to come out front and see. 

We were thrilled and scared and went inside. 

We spent most of the day at neighbors watching the wind show out their big window. 

Their daddy was home and went and bought a generator and hooked it up so their house had power. 

All the kids watched Tangled. 

Clint also bought food and fed all the kids.

It was very fun....in a scary sort of way.

Finally by late afternoon things calmed down. 

My brain started working again and I went to Walmart to buy some non perishable pantry food.

 I sort of went into panic mode and filled the cart with 15 loaves of bread, plus granola bars and fruit snacks and pantry type stuff. I don't know what I thought I was going to do with all that bread. 

Without the power on it's not like I could freeze it yet. 

We drove around the neighbor hood and couldn't believe it. 

Every house had a tree down or siding ripped off or roofing ripped off. 

Trampolines were mangled. Power lines were down. Power poles were snapped.

 Huge pine trees laid across the roads.

Fences were blown apart.

It was incredible. It looked like a tornado hit.

I texted Nate and told him to buy a generator in Vernal where he was on business because the Lowe's  and Home Depot were sold out.

I thought it would take a week for the power to come back on. There were lines down everywhere.

That night we went to Nate's parents where they had their generator hooked up and we had Dad's homemade chili. 

Then we went home and lit candles and lit the fire. 

It was all very cozy and adventurous for our family.

I was so bummed that Nate had been in Vernal that day and wasn't there with us during the day.   

The last time he went out of town the mountain that you can see in this picture above caught  fire. See the spot that is green? Back in September that whole big spot was a blazing fire. People were evacuated and we were on alert to leave if needed. Nate has missed both of our recent natural disasters. 

He better not make a habit of that. 

The next 2-3 days the whole county was in clean up mode. Everyone was helping every one. 

There was so much work to be done. 

The scent of pine in the air was invigorating. It was cold out but the next day was so sunny and beautiful.

The feeling of brotherly love was nourishing. Could I have said that any sappier?  I don't care if it sounds sappy, all the volunteer service felt so good and we were all feeling it. It was wonderful. 

Emmaline tended the twins plus my friend's little kids so I could join in the clean up. 

Driving the Bishop's pick up truck. 

Loading and unloading branches. 

It felt good, like I was tough and strong.  

If I had more opportunities to do outdoor labor I know I'd be less moody and crazy.

  Working out in the sun like that felt so good.

Sunday morning we met as a family with the bishop for tithing settlement. 

He asked Nate to go get his work clothes and help with the clean up while we went to shortened church. 

You should have seen Nate's face light up.

When Nate was a little boy he remembers when his dad put on work clothes on a Sunday and helped with the big floods of 1989. He remembers being in awe of his big strong dad going out to do heroic work. 

In that moment the little boy in Nate got to live out that hope to one day be as heroic as his dad. 

It made me smile. 

We didn't get to use our generator but we did use our camping stove for oat meal.  The kids all slept out in the living room by the gas log. Our house stayed warm. 

When the power came back on the kids were so disappointed.

Nate was too since he was itching to hook up his new generator. 

Our power was out for almost 2 days. 

I can't believe how hard and fast the power company worked.

My friend Kristy and I watched them put in new poles with all their cool trucks and equipment.

t  made us both wish we were big strong men that worked for the power company, It looked so cool. 

Well that was a long story. Hope you didn't get too bored. I want to print my blog out and make a book for our family. These are memories my kids will never forget. They thought it was awesome and fun. They missed 2 days of school and loved being out working and helping.

Tomorrow I'm off to the nursing home to sing. Last week was so fun. I'll post about it soon. Thursday night I get to sing Oh Holy Night at the Relief Society Christmas dinner. I feel really happy to have the chance.

better late than never

I don't read the paper much but I read this article today and it gave me a lift.  I loved the pictures and loved thinking of Phillip Miner's life taking such a beautiful and interesting turn of events.


I want to catch up on my life's record here in my blog and hopefully I can. The twins have 2 of their best friends here playing and I hope they can be harmonious and happy long enough for me to get this down.

(look at Ali's pretty hair)

 I know its December 9th but I haven't had the chance to post my Thanksgiving pictures. 

 Why would I want to post these low quality iphone picutures you ask? 

Because they are all I've got and Thanksgiving was so fun and delicious this year I must post about it. 

 I have a mother in law.

She is kind and dear.

She has mastered the art of roasting a turkey to moist perfection.

 Her stuffing is her mother Sarah's  recipe and it is sagey and wonderful.

 She made the biggest pot of gravy I've ever seen and it's a good thing because we had enough for left overs for days, for all of us!!! 

Next year I want to be her understudy and watch and learn as she makes this meal. 

A table for the little kids and a table for the big kids.

Thanksgiving Bingo! 

When I married into this family I found this tradition waaaayyyy funner than watching football and taking naps.

AnnaKate might be having fun. I don't know.

The babies. 

My sister in laws are still having babies. This is the newest.

 His name is Wesley and I love him. 

That is sweet Thomas on Carrie's lap.

 He is getting big so Carrie better get busy and have another baby. 

;) just kidding Carrie. 3 kids in 3 years is pretty good maybe you should take a breather. 

Nate's cousin Holly had her first baby. Her name is Lucy.

 It was so fun to see so much spunk in a 5 month old!

And that's Penelope, Wesley's big sister. She is not very big. 

When I tend her we play "baby" and I pretend she is my baby.

My next post will be about the storm of the century!

Today I watched this conference talk while I did Pilate's. 

My back hurts today.

 Dear back of mine, why do you ache? Help me help you. 

If you go to the link you can watch it too and not just read it. 

It's one of those talks I really love and understand.

Our Internet is finally up and working in the neighborhood. 

Things are calming down since the storms. 

The amount of pictures and stories I'd like to get down in this blog and written down in my journal are piling up. 

Last night we had our Christmas/Birthday celebration at my parents. 

We have 5 birthdays in our family in December. Nate's is the 2nd. Mine is the 25th. My twins are the 21st. Ashley's is the 30th.

My brother is here from New York. It was so wonderful.

 How does one girl take in so much love? 

I love my family. 

My twins......lots of fights today. Are they really going to grow up and stop fighting? 

Why do they seem so miserable together one minute and best friends the next? 

Am I ever going to grow up? 

Am I ever going to figure out how to do this? 

Lucky for me they have school today, so, for a mere 2 hours I won't have to worry about them!

WooHoo!

All you cjane readers, did you read Erin Caroline's birth story yesterday? 

I keep thinking about it. 

All I can say is 

 WOW. 

I better go get lunch on the table.

Happy Tuesday.

iPhone blogging

Another wind storm is forcast for tonight. only 60 to 70 mph winds instead of 100mph winds like last time. My Internet is down so I'm seeing if I really can post from my phone. Nate is out hauling branches & rubble. I took the kids to church but it was only an hour & a half long instead of 3 so we can Get back to the clean up. If the wind picked up now with all these piles of branches & debri it would be awful. We are trying to get it cleaned up before the storm. Yesterday emmaline took care of the kids & I got to go out & help. I even got to drive the Jeppeson's pick up truck to haul & load & dump branches. It was invigorating & very satisfying work! It was a gorgeous day & it smelled of pine. It felt so good to be out working with people. Most I didn't even know. I'll post pictures when my computer is being good.

mad mean wind

  http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=18309646  Check out the news coverage here.


Crazy Wind Storms
Pictures  coming soon.                            
We are fine and dandy and busy cleaning up our yard and neighborhood.
The men are loving all the opportunities to be manly.
Chain saws are buzzing
Generators are rumbling.
I'm feeling envious of the men with all their muscles and power tools.
A real post coming soon.

Nursing Homes and Neon Trees

Hi, I'm back. I've been thinking about you...all my imaginary friends who supposedly read this blog....

I think its a day for posting pictures. I'm just sort of lazy and don't want to go downstairs and search for my camera and phone so maybe I'll think of a good story to tell you and that will help motivate me to find the camera.

 Once upon a time there was a little girl named Sarah and she wanted the sound of the furnace to help her fall asleep. So her obliging mother turned on the heat. When it shut off  Sarah said "That was hot air. I want cold air" So her mildly bugged, slightly amused mother turned on the AC, but the AC kept blowing hot air and Sarah started crying and thrashing in her bed and waking up her twin sister Gwenyth. So her loving, selfless mother went down to the basement to fetch the fan and plugged it in Sarah's direction.  Her loving mother said in her 'I mean business voice'   " Stop being high maintenance and go to sleep. I mean it." And so Sarah went to sleep.

The End

I can't find my camera. It has all my nice Thanksgiving day pictures....maybe it's lost forever and we'll be forced to buy a nice one. 

I can only hope. 

I'll post the ones on my phone from singing at the nursing home.

This is Elaine. She might look old but she isn't. 

We talked and talked. 

I sang Oh Holy Night for the group. There was about 7 residents who came to listen.

 I think Elaine was the only one that was awake and listening. 

Then Elaine and I sang a bunch of Hymns together without my guitar (since I only know how to play the songs I've written)

She harmonized while I sang the melody.

We sounded good.  

I sang a couple of mine with my guitar.

 Elaine liked them but she really liked it better to sing with me. 

 I can empathize with the need to sing so I better be learning some old songs from the 40's or something so she can sing along.

This is Sterling.

He clearly has awesome hair.

He was not at all impressed with my singing.

He read his paper and peered over his glasses with a skeptical look on his face. 

I did not earn any smiles from him.

 Maybe next time.

My homework for the week is to learn some old songs that would be familiar to them so they can sing with me or just enjoy it more I hope. 

The sweetest was when I was talking to a woman named Harriet.

I asked her if she was from Centerville.

She said apologetically "I'm embarrassed at what I don't know"

I told her that's exactly how I feel too Harriet!

She smiled and said "Thank you" like it was nice to be understood.

She was so sweet, my voice put her right to sleep.

Next time I go I'm gonna be ready with songs Elaine will know. 

The others didn't seem to care what I was singing but Elaine wanted to sing along.

Also I'll be sure to wear short sleeves. They keep is sweltering in there.

When I got home from the nursing home where everything was really warm and sleepy and I'd been singing Hymns, I really felt the need to wake up and feel alive so I listened to Brandon Flowers and Neon Trees on Pandora to balance out the inside of my head.

How would it be to be that girl drummer in Neon Trees? 

So cool right?!

Alright. I better go to bed. I guess. Nate's out of town so there is no one to tuck me in.....I always stay up too late when he is gone. :(

Goodnight maybe

See you later.

Thankful

I had one of the funnest and yummiest Thanksgivings of my life. I'll post pictures when I have a chance. Not today though...
The twins and I are dedicating this day to staying in our pajamas and taking it easy. They are playing play dough and playing with every toy we own. You should see my house. I am reading good books and writing a song. I'm also practicing Oh Holy Night for the Relief Society Christmas party. I think I'll sing it tomorrow for the residents at the retirement home, that seems like it would be good practice. I'll take pictures when I go, I'm sure it will be fun.

I'm feeling really grateful today

Grateful for my husband.

 I can tell him all the secrets of my heart and he listens and tries to understand me....and then he does understand me and he loves me. 

We are so much alike but we are very very different too.

 His brain operates so differently than mine it seems. 

He says his mind is much simpler than mine and he says he doesn't need much to be happy in life. 

 I feel like my thoughts and emotions are this complicated calculus problem that only God can figure out.

 I feel like I need so much. I need answers, I need guidance I need tons and tons of love.  

For example,  I was at my parents house on Friday to go through some things of my Grandmother's. 

My mom and my Aunt Sandra have gone through her house and all her things and are preparing it to sell. 

My mom brought home such beautiful things that belonged to both of my Great Grandmothers. 

Standing there looking at the figurine my Great Grandmother Eleanor brought home from Germany and the salt and pepper shakers she brought home from Czechoslovakia I was in wondering awe. 

How did she travel by boat to these countries? How did they save enough money? 

What was it like to travel in those big ships?

 I kept forgetting my great Grandfathers name....One is named Seth Fletcher, what was the other's name?......Reuben Bellus. 

It seemed so wrong that I could forget their names.

 It seemed so wrong that I didn't know all details of the adventures of their lives. 

I felt so sad and separated from them. I cried.

Maybe for Nate this would have been a simple experience of getting some family treasures to bring home but for me it stirred up unexpected feelings of longing and missing and sadness. 

We drove to Hyrum that night to be with Nate's side of the family.

 We took 2 separate cars so we could fit a friend for Luke and one of our nieces.

 I only had AnnaKate and Afton.

 I turned up the music loud and cried in the dark the whole way.

 AnnaKate and Afton playing and talking in the back seat had no clue. 

I cried because I missed my Grandparents. I cried because I missed my great grandparents who I've never known in this life. 

I cried because this life is a confusing foggy place where we forget about things that are unforgettable and precious. 

The next morning Nate woke up before me and I was alone in bed. 

As I was laying there memories of my Grandmother's house were vivid in my mind.

 They floated and swirled around me like a big white down comforter. 

I could smell the coffee, I could hear the sounds in the house.

 I could see my Grandma in her slippers in the kitchen with the pastries on the counter.

 It was all right there in my mind and if felt just like when I was little. Nothing to do but relax and let my grandma take care of me, swim in the pool, watch mtv. 

It felt so wonderful to be there in my mind.... 

 "It will be ok, the forgetting is only temporary. Just rest, be happy, we all love you and miss you too"

 I felt her saying to me as I fell  back to sleep. 

She must have heard me crying the night before.

I am thankful to feel their love. I am trying to be content with these gentle feelings and memories. 

This life is so precious for our overall eternal education but sometimes it just feels so confusing and sad. The song I'm working on today expresses the heaviness but balanced by the hope I have. 

Lost

I wander

As a stranger in the earth

Tethered by silver chords to this body of clay

But someday cut free

The book of life recorded inside of me

Every word I spoke

Everything I've done

Recorded in my soul

I will be my own judge

The next time my grandparents come to visit me
With my faith could I part the veil?
Their faces I long to see

My eyes are closed I cannot see the angels flying over me

But this veil over the earth is wearing thin

Thread bare and tattered

Soon it will burst, we won't be held within

Tethered by silver chords to this body of clay

But someday cut free

Light will pump through our veins

That isn't all of it. I haven't figured the whole thing out yet. It has a good beat when I sing it and it sounds hopeful and exciting I think. 

Well it's 3:39 and all the kids are home romping and playing in our messy house. 

Perhaps I should take a shower.....or clean up the toys.....

I hope you are having a lovely day too

Love
Kristen

dear friends and small steps

Sorry about the video on my last post. When I posted it it worked and now it doesn't. 

Don't know how and don't have time to fix it :( 

I did want to post about my wonderful friends that came to dinner Monday night. 

It was so good to see them and be with them.

 I think a trip to Illinois is going to have to come sooner than I thought.

 I don't want so many years to pass before I see the Blasi's again.

 The Blasi's came for dinner. I ordered Chinese food because that's the kind of hostess I am.
 The Blasi's are from Illinois. I met them when I was a missionary.
They were members of  the small branch in Monmouth Illinois.
They were my best friends on the mission.
 They made the hard times easier to take.
When I was there Eli was a baby. He is now 16. He is the one wearing the funny BYU hat.
All 4 of my girls fell in love with the 3 Blasi boys.
 Especially AnnaKate and Gwenyth. Our kids had so much fun together.
 I was a little surprised that their 16, 15, and 10 year old boys had such a good time with all my girls and my little boy. 

Here is Noah practicing his braiding skills on AnnaKate's long hair. 

She isn't enjoying his attention at all. ;) 

When she got home from school the next day she showed her best friend Erin his picture with a twinkle in her eye. 

I can't wait to take my kids on a church history tour in Nauvoo Illinois and stop for dinner at the Blasi's. 

After dinner they asked me to sing them a song.

 I went sweaty and cold. I haven't been practicing or playing my songs.

 I am forgetting many of my songs. (don't panic, I have them all written down and recorded on my iphone) 

I had to struggle to remember how and what to play for them.

 If I can't even play my own songs I think that presents a problem, what do you think? 

I played them  The News and  my kids begged to hear Messy House. 

Messy House is my kids favorite. 

I don't know why it's their favorite, I'm just complaining about how they trash the place.

 After I sang Messy House the Blasi's were off to Park City but Ezra, their youngest suggested they clean up the basement before they leave. 

He must have been listening well to the words ;) 

My pride and fear issues are keeping me from taking little steps forward.

 I was talking to a very dear friend and she told me some things I didn't want to hear and didn't believe at first.  

My pride and fear got in the way of understanding. 

 But after experiencing how uncomfortable I get to even be asked to sing for dear friends as the Blasi's I realized my friend was right. 

  I have not been taking the small steps to progress, I have been hoping maybe I could skip the small steps.

 I was hoping I could skip the hard parts and have this whole process be easy and fun.

I was hoping I could skip the small, seemingly not as crucial steps.

 Nope. 

Every step is crucial when you are climbing a mountain. Not one step up the path can be skipped.

Just like my Gwenyth can't skip her 4th, 5th, and 6th year of life because she just wants to be a big girl, I can't skip the many small steps I must take to progress in music. 

So in response to my need to take small steps I went to the nursing home down the street and set up a time for me to go once a week to sing to the residents while my twins are at preschool. 

Another small step I was privileged to take...

Tuesday night was our Young Women's night of Excellence (it's where we celebrate the girls and all that they are doing in their life.) 

at the last minute Cindy asked me to sing one of my songs. 

I whipped up a band real quick. We went to one of the class rooms in the church and "rehearsed" 

Kaytlin played soprano ukulele, Emmaline sang back up.

Up their with my impromptu band it was all fun and no sweat.

I feel so much better physically and emotionally now that I'm trying to take the necessary small steps forward.

Emotional pain and stagnancy can result in physical pain for me and I think for all of us. 

It's Thanksgiving today. I am thankful for so much.

 My life is bursting with blessings and I'm ready to over eat and nap in celebration of these blessings.

Hope you are having a wonderful day. 

Love, 

Kristen

AnnaKate

Yesterday I went to the temple. It was good. It was what I needed. I felt so much better even though I didn't really get any specific answers. Sometimes answers come loud, clear, specific and drenched in love. Sometimes answers come like ideas coming from outside myself, whispered in my ear by an unseen friend. 

Sometimes answers come from something I read or hear on TV. 

Recently answers have come in  phone calls with divinely perfect timing from my mom or my best friend.

I'm always looking. I'm always straining to hear.  I'm always trying to find my way closer to Him. 

Don't you think it can get exhausting? 

This life I mean.

Supposedly it's really short so I'm sure we'll all survive. 

I posted this song AnnaKate sang for her recital. (Nate's video posting instructions are excellent)

I love the words of the song. 

AnnaKate is my second baby. 

She is 10 years old now. 

 She was scared to sing and didn't want to do it. 

She did it anyway and sounded great. 

I was a very proud mama.

She sang this song again today at a nursing home. She was scared again and didn't want to do it. 

She did do it.

I was proud again.

AnnaKate has taught me and continues to teach me and stretch me as a mother and as a human being.

Sometimes I resent being stretched but I'm sure before we came to earth we agreed we both needed to learn from each other. 

I am her mother and she is my daughter but we are both teachers for one another. 

I have just as much to learn from her as she does from me. 

She reminds of this almost daily. 

From the moment I heard her first cry 

 I could feel the intensity of her spirit. 

I could tell I was in for it. 

Thanks for choosing me as your mother AnnaKate. 

I needed you.