Thankful

I had one of the funnest and yummiest Thanksgivings of my life. I'll post pictures when I have a chance. Not today though...
The twins and I are dedicating this day to staying in our pajamas and taking it easy. They are playing play dough and playing with every toy we own. You should see my house. I am reading good books and writing a song. I'm also practicing Oh Holy Night for the Relief Society Christmas party. I think I'll sing it tomorrow for the residents at the retirement home, that seems like it would be good practice. I'll take pictures when I go, I'm sure it will be fun.

I'm feeling really grateful today

Grateful for my husband.

 I can tell him all the secrets of my heart and he listens and tries to understand me....and then he does understand me and he loves me. 

We are so much alike but we are very very different too.

 His brain operates so differently than mine it seems. 

He says his mind is much simpler than mine and he says he doesn't need much to be happy in life. 

 I feel like my thoughts and emotions are this complicated calculus problem that only God can figure out.

 I feel like I need so much. I need answers, I need guidance I need tons and tons of love.  

For example,  I was at my parents house on Friday to go through some things of my Grandmother's. 

My mom and my Aunt Sandra have gone through her house and all her things and are preparing it to sell. 

My mom brought home such beautiful things that belonged to both of my Great Grandmothers. 

Standing there looking at the figurine my Great Grandmother Eleanor brought home from Germany and the salt and pepper shakers she brought home from Czechoslovakia I was in wondering awe. 

How did she travel by boat to these countries? How did they save enough money? 

What was it like to travel in those big ships?

 I kept forgetting my great Grandfathers name....One is named Seth Fletcher, what was the other's name?......Reuben Bellus. 

It seemed so wrong that I could forget their names.

 It seemed so wrong that I didn't know all details of the adventures of their lives. 

I felt so sad and separated from them. I cried.

Maybe for Nate this would have been a simple experience of getting some family treasures to bring home but for me it stirred up unexpected feelings of longing and missing and sadness. 

We drove to Hyrum that night to be with Nate's side of the family.

 We took 2 separate cars so we could fit a friend for Luke and one of our nieces.

 I only had AnnaKate and Afton.

 I turned up the music loud and cried in the dark the whole way.

 AnnaKate and Afton playing and talking in the back seat had no clue. 

I cried because I missed my Grandparents. I cried because I missed my great grandparents who I've never known in this life. 

I cried because this life is a confusing foggy place where we forget about things that are unforgettable and precious. 

The next morning Nate woke up before me and I was alone in bed. 

As I was laying there memories of my Grandmother's house were vivid in my mind.

 They floated and swirled around me like a big white down comforter. 

I could smell the coffee, I could hear the sounds in the house.

 I could see my Grandma in her slippers in the kitchen with the pastries on the counter.

 It was all right there in my mind and if felt just like when I was little. Nothing to do but relax and let my grandma take care of me, swim in the pool, watch mtv. 

It felt so wonderful to be there in my mind.... 

 "It will be ok, the forgetting is only temporary. Just rest, be happy, we all love you and miss you too"

 I felt her saying to me as I fell  back to sleep. 

She must have heard me crying the night before.

I am thankful to feel their love. I am trying to be content with these gentle feelings and memories. 

This life is so precious for our overall eternal education but sometimes it just feels so confusing and sad. The song I'm working on today expresses the heaviness but balanced by the hope I have. 

Lost

I wander

As a stranger in the earth

Tethered by silver chords to this body of clay

But someday cut free

The book of life recorded inside of me

Every word I spoke

Everything I've done

Recorded in my soul

I will be my own judge

The next time my grandparents come to visit me
With my faith could I part the veil?
Their faces I long to see

My eyes are closed I cannot see the angels flying over me

But this veil over the earth is wearing thin

Thread bare and tattered

Soon it will burst, we won't be held within

Tethered by silver chords to this body of clay

But someday cut free

Light will pump through our veins

That isn't all of it. I haven't figured the whole thing out yet. It has a good beat when I sing it and it sounds hopeful and exciting I think. 

Well it's 3:39 and all the kids are home romping and playing in our messy house. 

Perhaps I should take a shower.....or clean up the toys.....

I hope you are having a lovely day too

Love
Kristen