up and down

I want to post..... mostly so my imperfect song video isn't the first thing readers see/hear when they come to my blog. This whole music thing really makes me feel vulnerable and sends me on emotional roller coasters. The highs are delicious and make me deliriously and electrically buzzing with joy. The lows make me sick and on the verge of tears that finally turn me into a weepy little girl. I'd rather not hand out my fragile imperfect heart in the form of Cd's. I'd rather keep my heart locked in my chest where it's relatively safe. I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a steep foreboding mountain covered densely with trees that I can't see clearly through. The amount of work I have to do on a daily basis as a mom and wife and home manager is weighing on me today and I want to add to it by trying to be some kind of singer song writer? What am I doing?   I'm overwhelmed. Simple tasks like cleaning my kitchen make my thoughts spiral down into the black.. I start to ask myself how many more messes will I clean up alone in this kitchen? Then I realize we are out of toilet paper, dishwasher soap, and frozen chicken. That means I have to go to Costco. How am I going to stay within our budget at Costco?! I walk into that store and lose all self control and judgement. Next thing I know I've spent hundreds of dollars. I do not want to take my twins to Costco tomorrow....you see? Down, down, down they go.
My husband has been working loooooooong hours and my twins have been really sick. This week the kids get out at 1:30 instead of 3:30 from school. These are all reasons for my weepy exhaustion. But mostly its feeling vulnerable and exposed. But here I am again spilling my heart on my blog. I have this need to write and be honest and open and yet that's what makes me feel so vulnerable. What am I to do? I'll tell you what I do. Eat cheese burgers and fries and cokes and chocolate and read and pray and cry. I get answers when I pray and cry. Today I got one I wasn't too happy about. Good thing I'm going to the temple in the morning. I can  confirm I heard Him right. He can sort through my head and throw out all the junk.

I could wait till this mood blows over to post but posting helps them blow over. I could wait to post but I like blogs that are real. I like blogs that have ups and downs so I don't feel like I'm the only one that gets sad even though my life is full of goodness and blessings. I must be real with myself and with anybody reading this.

 This music mess has shown me I have such a little sister mentality. I just want someone older and wiser to take over.  I just want someone who knows what they are doing to rescue me from all these new things I'm trying to do. I want a real blogger to fix my blog. I want a real musician to fix my songs. I want a real vocal coach to fix my voice. I want I real camera, I want a real computer I want I want I want.

Now I want to go to bed.
I hope the twins sleep tonight.
 I'll be better soon.
 There is always an up after a down.