got some time and some Uggs

Got some time on Saturday. It felt great.  Nate and the kids had a great time at home without me. I
Got some one on one tutoring from a Mac expert.  It was so nice to have someone able to answer all my questions and show me how to do things. I better be taking a class once a week to harness the power of this machine :)
I also bought the most comfortable shoes. I've never owned Uggs before, I thought they looked kind of clunky. Once I tried them on I decided I don't care if they look clunky, they are my feet's dream come true.

Just wanted you to know I wasn't sitting around with that despondent look on my face ;)

Life is going going

I am slowing slowing

how do I do all of this?

I just want to find my bliss

I need to bring the eggs in from the coop

I need to sweep the front stoop

I'm trying to figure out my new computer

but by so doing, I feel stupider

I barely have time to sing

without getting interrupted by the phone's ring

the minute I'm left alone 

now that's when I feel at home

I adore my family with all of my heart

but if I don't get some time 

I will come apart

brimming over is my brain

 heart swimming in songs

 I hear it complain

not content with 

"someday"

they're gonna find a way to be played

I crave funny

I crave funny.

Do you?

I'm always hoping for funny things to happen, funny people to be around, funny TV shows, funny situations. 

I love it when there is something or someone that really makes me laugh.

I have a brother. He is funny. I crave being around him.

From the time he was growing in our mother's womb I have loved him.

I loved watching her belly twitch when he'd get the hiccups.

I loved watching her eat huge amounts of food and tell me half was for the baby.

I loved him when they brought him home all red and squirmy and screaming. 

I remember my parents being stressed and tired that first day.

I remember trying to help my mom change his diaper.

He was mad and red and I loved him so much.

He is no longer mad or red. He is handsome and very funny.

The other night when I was depressed about something or other I decided to read his twitter posts to make me laugh.

They worked like a little happy pill.

I'll write down a few for you so you can take a happy pill.

(his twitter/facebook posts are in green and my commentary is in black)

"Why is it that all the drunk losers can spot a catch but all the men who showered and went to work today just can't meet the right person?"

"Being a sports fan must be exhausting; the emotional investment in something completely out of your control, the color coordination...."

That is why I'm not a sports fan.

"Mailing some letters and accidentally dropped a glove into the mailbox, so then I put my other glove in too."

"Before you send a text message, ask yourself, am I acting like a crazy person?"

"Gentleman, a ponytail does not compensate for your receding hairline and bald spot. 

Own it."

"I think cooking fish in an apt building should require authorization from your neighbors."

"There's always a moment after the first time I wash a new pair of jeans that I'm afraid they're not going to fit anymore. 

#Deep knee bends." 

"I take my time in the airplane lavatory; The solitude is worth the risk of almost being sucked down the toilet."

I do to!!! Airplane toilets are alarmingly loud.

"Is there a marriage counselor somewhere advising couples to have a joint Facebook page?

 It's not called Facesbook.

 One face."

"I don't like getting sent straight to voice mail. It makes me feel like I didn't have a fair shot."

"It's always great to meet someone that finds your particular brand of crazy to be endearing."

After Oprah went off the air he said...

"No matter what I accomplish in my life I will never be on Oprah. 

Really, what's the point now?"

Uhh I had this exact sad thought when Oprah went off the air.

"Don't freak out at your spastic child when you're the one that gave him a slurpee with two straws."

"I'm going to treat dating like real estate; I'm not looking for a "fixer-upper" .

 Not even one in a good neighborhood."

"I don't understand sweat bands. If you're sweating that much then I think you should take a break."

There now. Wasn't that a nice happy pill?

I

my funny 5 year old's

 I must document by picture a bit about the twins 5th birthday. 

The day before their birthday was their preschool Christmas program. Before it started Gwenyth came down with some serious stage fright. She cried loudly and insisted she didn't want to go up to the front. I found it amusing and interesting that she suddenly could be so freaked. I bribed her with a trip to Target for a prize if she went up there and sang. She reluctantly took her seat next to Sarah. Once the program started she was all smiles and having fun. ?????

How can she go from freak to fun in one second?

This little song was cute. A wood cutter came along and cut down the "tree" and then you turned into a Christmas tree. Sarah was the last in line to be cut down. As the little boy was "chopping" her down she became very pouty. Then she became highly offended. She didn't want him messing with her. She ran over to me crying because of the injustice of it all. 

Again. Very funny girls I have. 

Here's Gwen all alone while Sarah cried in her dad's lap.

On the day of their actual birthday (Dec 21) we opened a few presents at breakfast. They wanted Crepes. Then we went to Classic Fun Center to skate and do all the other fun stuff they have there. I was very impressed with their determination to learn to skate on real skates. Their feet are too big for the baby ones that don't go so fast. They fell over and over but man oh man they are not quitters!

Pretty soon they owned the rink!

Watch out people!

I couldn't stop smiling watching my tough little girls. They were having so much fun. You can't get happiness like that anywhere else. Watching my kids learn and have fun is like straight up joy injected into my blood stream. 

All 5 kids were getting along and having fun. We didn't let them bring any friends or cousins because we want them to just be with each other sometimes. 

Nate and I were on parental clouds as we watched our offspring laughing and getting along. 

That night the twins had their first real birthday party with friends.

My friend Angela came and painted faces. I called her the day of their birthday and she was available! 

I'm not much for planning in advance. I'd rather fly by the seat of my pants. (did you notice that rhymes? I'm telling you it's involuntary) 

The boys wanted nothing to do with having their faces painted. 

Did you notice Sarah's face in this picture compared to the one before this one? 

Minutes after she had her face painted she was romping on the couch and smeared her butterfly. She was so disturbed that she had a smeared butterfly on her face she went in the bathroom and rubbed it all off!

I was so confused when I saw her 5 minutes later with nothing on her face. 

Angela was kind enough to do her face again. 

Sarah is really funny. Have I mentioned that? She is more funny than the others. I could do a whole post on the funny, weird things she says and does. 

All right. Next post might be more picture of what we did while the kids were out of school. Which is better? The posts where I get all deep and preachy or the posts with pictures of my kids and normal life? 

38 years

It was my 38th birthday on Christmas. Yes. I was born on Christmas.

 I've always loved having my birthday on Christmas. My parents and grandparents made me feel so special. They still do. That's why my name is Kristen Carol. Nice choice mom and dad. The name really works for me, how did you know? ;) 

I've been thinking about what 38 feels like to me  

Physically

it feels ironic.

At night I use special lotions for aging, wrinkling skin.

In the morning I use acne wash. Hmmmm, this is an unexpected, unwanted combination. 

My figure, skin tone, vascular health, isn't what it used to be, but ironically, I have a lot more self confidence and feel much more comfortable in my skin than I ever did in my 20's. 

I have more aches and pains but I also feel more equipped  to listen to my body, figure out what it wants to get feeling better.

I feel a whole lot more respect for my body. 

All that it's done for me. All that it's given me,

 and it just keeps on doing and giving!

Emotionally

it feels deeper, more intense.

It feels like I'm finally growing up. It feels like it's time to heal and be new and whole.

 It feels like it's time to let go of old heartbreaks. Talk to those parts of my self that were hurt when I was young. Comfort her, and show her who she can be now. 

Those decisions and conclusions I came to about myself when I was 5, 12, 17  years old...some of them were not true. 

Those feelings from my youth will not be buried alive any  longer.

 It's time to lovingly explain some things to my oldest heart breaks and oldest false conclusions. 

Let her  misunderstandings be heard, honored and comforted. 

Show her who she is now. Show her who she can grow into. Let go. Let those things heal. 

You are not less than anyone. You are whole.  

You are so dear to your God, your Savior, your family. 

It's time to be kind and happy with myself the same way Jesus is so kind and happy with me. 

My childhood was full of love and health and happiness, I didn't experience any big trauma or abuse.

 I just went through all the little heartbreaks I watch my kids go through. They are unavoidable. 

They are built into the framework of all our life's experiences. 

But they still injure us in ways that can last too long.

 I feel like my mind and heart are finally ready to believe differently about myself and be healed.

As I have been letting go of old hurts  

I feel like my heart is tender, and bright spring green.  

    This Amos Lee song is stuck in my head a lot.

"My heart is a flower, that blooms every hour. I believe in the power of LOVE."

I've heard it said that someday we will see that our trials and our pain have been the most precious treasures we will have in this life.
At 38 I am experiencing the truth of that idea.
I look at the things that are hard for me very differently now.
I look at them and know they look like something I would want to run from but in fact, if I can make peace with them they are in fact, hidden doorways to opportunities and gifts.

Spiritually 

it feels like I'm meeting myself for the first time.

Over the past 2 years I haven't really recognized myself. I'll sit puzzling over myself. 

Who are you?

 I thought I knew you. 

I thought we agreed on things. Since when are you so brave?

Soon after I discovered my love affair with writing songs I was so shocked that I could love something this much and have it feel so natural but not discover it till I was a grown woman. 

I kept thinking,  what else don't I know about myself? 

I'd marvel at where my imagination was taking me. I'd stop myself mid dream and think.....what the heck am I  thinking about here? This was never in my plan. 

I stopped highlighting my hair or even really cutting it. What color of hair do I really have? I thought I knew but maybe not. I just wanted to figure myself out. Even down to my true hair color.

At 38 It feels like God has sent me back to school.

 The customized school curriculum he has planned out for me happens to involve music. 

Finding my new singing voice and discovering song writing has been a joy, but the real joy and the real lessons are the way it's brought me closer to my Father in Heaven and His Son. 

When I'm singing and working out lyrics, it is this creative experience I've never had with anything else. 

It feels similar to dreaming

 where you are creating and perceiving in the very same moment. 

I'll hear my lyrics come out of my mouth and think

 Oh, I didn't know I knew that. Oh, I didn't know that's what I was really thinking and feeling.

 It's funny how words coming out of my own mouth can surprise me. 

I'll hear myself singing and think, 

hmmmm she sounds strong. I want to be like her.

 Oh, wait, I am her. 

Singing and song writing  feel like God has given me a tool to become more connected to the divine within myself. 

I'm knowing he has a customized plan for every one of us to become more connected to Him and to realize we are His. 

38 feels very different than I ever thought it would. I thought I'd be in more of a routine stable place in my life. I guess my day to day life is pretty routine and quite stable it's just my inner life that feels like this scary exciting roller coaster. I didn't know God just keeps changing things around so we keep growing and stretching to become more like Him and to walk one step closer to where He is. 

That's what 38 feels like to me. 

I can't wait to see what 39 feels like.

monday morning musings

I'd blog today but I'm determined to get ALL the laundry done. I'm also determined to move like an organizing tornado through AnnaKate and Luke's room. They share a room. They both get scared at night so the bunk bed has been a comfort to both of them.......until recently. 

The mess and the fights has been overshadowing the benefits.

 I want to remodel my basement.

 Is that too much to ask? Then they could have their own room. 

I became ill New Years Eve and was sick for a good week so now I'm finally feeling better. 

 I'm catching up and recovering from the Holidays. 

It snowed for what seemed like the first time this winter. 

I mean a real snow that you can play in and make a snow man.

 Now it's blue skies with clean white snow.

It really is lovely.

Last night we watched

The Conspirator

Off in the distance I kept hearing what might have been tragic weeping.

I couldn't tell if it was the movie or one of my children.

Finally Emmaline came into our room tragically weeping.

Oh! It was her, not the movie.

We asked what's wrong. She said she didn't feel well.

We asked is it your tummy or your head. She didn't know. We asked if there was a giant homework assignment due tomorrow and she just remembered. She fortunately said no. 

I started asking if someone said something mean to her.

Ding ding ding ding! 

I win, I figured it out. 

She then told us that the popular girls at school are in one of her classes and they laugh at her and leave her out.

 She hears them whisper "Emmaline looks ridiculous"  

Poor Nate could hardly stand hearing this. 

Emmaline kept saying "I just want to fit in"

Fit in? Really? With girls who snicker in a clump at a perfectly sweet person? 

Ya, no you don't. 

Emmaline is in 7th grade. Is there anything worse than 7th grade? I hated 7th grade.

Since Emmaline began 7th grade I only step foot in that junior high if I have to.

Oh dear. I'm blogging when I should be doing house work. 

This is why I'm never caught up with my house work....I start telling stories and before I know it the day is over. 

Anyway, we sat there and told her no matter how kind you are or how fun you are or how talented or smart you can't please everyone. There is always going to be someone somewhere who thinks you look ridiculous or act ridiculous. You just need to be true to yourself, true to your God and know that you are loved by your family and your true friends. 

Poor Nate was still in denial that anyone could be rude or mean to Emmaline. 

Nate is a lot like Pollyanna. 

This morning Emmaline had on an outfit that was quite creative....perhaps in another 7th grader's mind it might have even been ridiculous.

I don't say much anymore when my girls come up with these creative outfits.

 I think interesting clothing combinations are fun and makes me smile. 

Today though, I politely suggested she wear one of the cute new outfits she got for Christmas. 

She happily went and changed and looked darling. 

Am I giving in to peer pressure from a bunch of mean girls by doing a little fashion consulting for my daughter? 

I don't know. 

I don't care what those girls think of my Em. They are missing out on a wonderful person by leaving her out. Yes I do to care. I'd like to march over to the school and give them all a lecture. 

Well, that's it for today. I really am going to get my house under control. It makes me incredibly happy and peaceful when things are organized and clean around here......which then eventually leads right back to misery because the kids undo all my work....hmmmm 

The circle of life.

Isn't it glorious?! :)