38 years

It was my 38th birthday on Christmas. Yes. I was born on Christmas.

 I've always loved having my birthday on Christmas. My parents and grandparents made me feel so special. They still do. That's why my name is Kristen Carol. Nice choice mom and dad. The name really works for me, how did you know? ;) 

I've been thinking about what 38 feels like to me  

Physically

it feels ironic.

At night I use special lotions for aging, wrinkling skin.

In the morning I use acne wash. Hmmmm, this is an unexpected, unwanted combination. 

My figure, skin tone, vascular health, isn't what it used to be, but ironically, I have a lot more self confidence and feel much more comfortable in my skin than I ever did in my 20's. 

I have more aches and pains but I also feel more equipped  to listen to my body, figure out what it wants to get feeling better.

I feel a whole lot more respect for my body. 

All that it's done for me. All that it's given me,

 and it just keeps on doing and giving!

Emotionally

it feels deeper, more intense.

It feels like I'm finally growing up. It feels like it's time to heal and be new and whole.

 It feels like it's time to let go of old heartbreaks. Talk to those parts of my self that were hurt when I was young. Comfort her, and show her who she can be now. 

Those decisions and conclusions I came to about myself when I was 5, 12, 17  years old...some of them were not true. 

Those feelings from my youth will not be buried alive any  longer.

 It's time to lovingly explain some things to my oldest heart breaks and oldest false conclusions. 

Let her  misunderstandings be heard, honored and comforted. 

Show her who she is now. Show her who she can grow into. Let go. Let those things heal. 

You are not less than anyone. You are whole.  

You are so dear to your God, your Savior, your family. 

It's time to be kind and happy with myself the same way Jesus is so kind and happy with me. 

My childhood was full of love and health and happiness, I didn't experience any big trauma or abuse.

 I just went through all the little heartbreaks I watch my kids go through. They are unavoidable. 

They are built into the framework of all our life's experiences. 

But they still injure us in ways that can last too long.

 I feel like my mind and heart are finally ready to believe differently about myself and be healed.

As I have been letting go of old hurts  

I feel like my heart is tender, and bright spring green.  

    This Amos Lee song is stuck in my head a lot.

"My heart is a flower, that blooms every hour. I believe in the power of LOVE."

I've heard it said that someday we will see that our trials and our pain have been the most precious treasures we will have in this life.
At 38 I am experiencing the truth of that idea.
I look at the things that are hard for me very differently now.
I look at them and know they look like something I would want to run from but in fact, if I can make peace with them they are in fact, hidden doorways to opportunities and gifts.

Spiritually 

it feels like I'm meeting myself for the first time.

Over the past 2 years I haven't really recognized myself. I'll sit puzzling over myself. 

Who are you?

 I thought I knew you. 

I thought we agreed on things. Since when are you so brave?

Soon after I discovered my love affair with writing songs I was so shocked that I could love something this much and have it feel so natural but not discover it till I was a grown woman. 

I kept thinking,  what else don't I know about myself? 

I'd marvel at where my imagination was taking me. I'd stop myself mid dream and think.....what the heck am I  thinking about here? This was never in my plan. 

I stopped highlighting my hair or even really cutting it. What color of hair do I really have? I thought I knew but maybe not. I just wanted to figure myself out. Even down to my true hair color.

At 38 It feels like God has sent me back to school.

 The customized school curriculum he has planned out for me happens to involve music. 

Finding my new singing voice and discovering song writing has been a joy, but the real joy and the real lessons are the way it's brought me closer to my Father in Heaven and His Son. 

When I'm singing and working out lyrics, it is this creative experience I've never had with anything else. 

It feels similar to dreaming

 where you are creating and perceiving in the very same moment. 

I'll hear my lyrics come out of my mouth and think

 Oh, I didn't know I knew that. Oh, I didn't know that's what I was really thinking and feeling.

 It's funny how words coming out of my own mouth can surprise me. 

I'll hear myself singing and think, 

hmmmm she sounds strong. I want to be like her.

 Oh, wait, I am her. 

Singing and song writing  feel like God has given me a tool to become more connected to the divine within myself. 

I'm knowing he has a customized plan for every one of us to become more connected to Him and to realize we are His. 

38 feels very different than I ever thought it would. I thought I'd be in more of a routine stable place in my life. I guess my day to day life is pretty routine and quite stable it's just my inner life that feels like this scary exciting roller coaster. I didn't know God just keeps changing things around so we keep growing and stretching to become more like Him and to walk one step closer to where He is. 

That's what 38 feels like to me. 

I can't wait to see what 39 feels like.