Numb Out

The twins drove me nuts this morning. I let them. I just had no patience for all the whining and fighting. It is because I have a to do list forming in my mind. It makes me loose my patience when I think of all the random errands and house work I need to get done. When I have no patience they just get more whiny and fighty. I keep reminding myself............." 2 more years and they will be in first grade, at school all day. Just enjoy this time you have little preschoolers to take on fun outings and color and  paint with. Enjoy how they love to be with you." A lot of the time I do enjoy every word that comes out of their mouth and every little cute funny naughty thing they do. This morning though, I felt like a sulky teenager that wanted nothing to do with finicky fussy preschoolers. After lunch they both went to play with a different friend at the friend's house! Whew! I took a hike. It was just what I needed. I wish it wasn't so rare for me to just go for a hike or a bike. If I wanted to make it a regular thing I'd have to wake up early and go when it was cold and dim. I love sleep and I'd rather go when it's sunny, but when it's sunny  I am encumbered with children. This is why I hardly ever hike or bike.  Sometimes I wonder just how lazy and unorganized I really am?...... Or is everyone this unorganized and lazy and I am just imagining they are getting up early and doing laundry even though it is sunny?  Either way, I sure did enjoy the blue sky and the puffy white clouds and the breeze and how the rocks sparkle in the sun. The stream was so full and sounded so pretty. There were dear tracks on the trail. Big mommy tracks with bitty baby tracks next to them. I saw a lizard and a furry something scamper off. I  feel nature starved so hiking today felt like a nature feast.

I almost have a song to match every mood. Here is one that pretty much matches the mood I was in today. 

 I wrote this song October 20, 2010. I know the exact date because I typed it into my iPhone notebook and it records the date. I woke up that  morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I picked up my iPhone and typed in these words. Some songs feel like they just write themselves, this was one of those songs. Well, I guess it started out as a poem since I was just laying in bed typing it into my phone. After I typed in the poem I thought I was so clever. Thinking I was so clever gave me the boost I needed to get out of bed.

I'm so glad I could take a hike instead "watch 10 Oprah's all in a row, hide in my closet, eat fancy chocolate. Lock myself in my room. Anything to keep from going Kaboom!"
Hiking is a much more effective way of dealing with a bad mood. The trouble is when you have lots of little people depending on you, you can't just run off into the mountains for a little sanity break.  May the force be with you fellow mothers who will face another day of it.

Morris Family Pets

This post is an important report on the status, health and overall happiness of the Morris family pets.



Singer the canary is in love with his own reflection. He spends all day puffing up his feathers and looking at himself while singing his orange head off.

The kitchen counter frogs are still alive. They have survived a whole year. One is fat and one looks anorexic. The reason for these differences in size is still unknown.

Tabitha recently had a bath and is extra adorable. Certain family members keep forgetting to let her out in the morning so the queen mother of the Morris family has had extra cleanup. This ticks the queen mother off  (not ticked at Tabitha, only those negligent family members that forget to let her out)

Fish has been acting odd. Sleeping in very late in the morning. Tipping to one side while sleeping. Will keep you posted if this is a foreshadowing of his eminent death. 

Serious discord in the hen house. Koochy and Lacy are best friends. Enjoying dust baths as shown below.

Sam has had a sudden personality change. No longer is she the timid henpecked weakling. She is following Lacy around and giving her the evil eye, then suddenly without provocation she attacks with all talons and beak! 

Golly continues to ride his high horse. He is shedding and yet still acts as if we are honored by his presence.

This concludes our report. I will keep you abreast of any notable changes or events. Thank you for reading.

Ta Da!

Welcome to The Kristen Carol :)

Do you get it? It's like a type of song......................

Kristen means "Believer in Christ". I am most definitely that. Carol is my middle name. I was born on Christmas day. Carol means "song of joy"  I think my name works out perfectly for this blog and what I hope I can do in my songs, in my blog, in my life............ but most of all in myself.

OK so it's not like this big huge change or anything. I just wanted the name and address to be more fitting and I wanted the name and address to be the same as my You Tube channel.................. What in the world? The old Kristen would be like "why in the world would I have a You Tube channel?! I would never!"    The new Kristen would say "oh ya, of course I have a you tube channel, excuse me I'm going to go post a song, it's so fun."  

So I hope you had a happy Easter. I did. The Easter bunny came to our house Saturday night. We are just going to keep celebrating the rest of the month. We still haven't found time to dye all those eggs Nate boiled. The Easter bunny is a believer in Christ too and didn't want to distract from the actual day and it's true meaning so he came Saturday night.  Sunday, Nate and the fabulous 5 and I had a lovely breakfast together. We talked to the kids about our Savior and how he over came death and because he did so will we. We told them about when we were little kids and the first time we came to know that Jesus was real and that he loved us. We told them that because Jesus suffered for our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane we don't have to pay the price of justice for our sins. We just have to repent and try not to make the same mistake again. We taught and testified and they sat there like little open hearted receptive souls. It was beautiful. This is beautiful too.

My friend Andrea at church yesterday told me she was blog stalking me and really enjoyed my blog. She was so sincere and encouraging. I have felt hesitant to blog or post songs lately because I care too much about what other people think of me. I worry that they'll think I'm crazy or trying to be famous or wanting attention. These thoughts block happy creative ones. Hence,  fewer blog posts.  I really want this blog to be a happy bright spot to come to on the Internet. There are 2 blogs that I love to read every day. When they don't post I feel bummed, then I feel worried about my funny cjane and my sweet nie nie. I know how I count on them to give me a little boost. I know I'm not them, I'm just me, but if I am already  a happy spot for someone  then I don't want to not post because I'm worried somebody else thinks I'm a kook.  Thank you Andrea for reminding me of what I already knew but forgot for a minute. Your kindness is what I needed.


Today I practiced with Danny a song I wrote a song about a year ago. It's called The War. It was the biggest adrenaline rush to write it. The guitar part I wrote for it is really simple but the minor chords and the beat created enough of the intense feeling that I felt as I wrote the song. Last Thursday I got together with Danny to let him hear the song and see what kind of genius guitar magic he could come up with. He had heard the song last year shortly after I wrote it. At that point I was way too freaked to play and sing in front of anyone so I had him listen to the recording I'd made on my iphone. I've played it and sung it for him a couple times since then. He sat down without the words in front of him. I briefly explained to him the feeling I wanted to convey. He then proceeded to whip out this intensely amazing, rock star, adrenaline injecting guitar part. Listening to him and watching his hands about made me scream like I was on a roller coaster. I couldn't do that though I was supposed to be singing the words. It was awesome. When I'm an old woman sitting in my rocking chair knitting (I love knitting) I'll tell my grand kids about the day I wrote that song and the day Danny invented the guitar part for it. It was that fun.  We practiced again today and hopefully we'll record it on Saturday. Having that little hour practice to look forward to helps me get through lots of temper tantrums and piles of laundry and dishes. Actually I don't mind laundry and dishes compared with temper tantrums.

Hope your Easter was a hopeful happy one. If not, find a way to make it up to yourself.

Last Post Ever! (on my old address that is)

 3 years ago my dear husband Nate started this blog. He heard that all the sister in laws had a blog and I was the only slacker who didn't. I told him no way, if you want a blog you're going to have to do it yourself. So he did. It wasn't long before I warmed up to the idea and blogged a bit. Then I started working on my voice and discovered I could write songs. (how could I not have known about this before the age of 36?) Then the inside of my brain started morphing. I lost weight. I lost sleep. My head was always in the clouds. I felt like I had a secret life. It was just me, myself and God. 2010 really felt like I was living in wonderland. I felt like Alice. I felt like I was the only one seeing the white rabbit. I learned so much about myself  that I thought I already knew. I learned so much about God my Heavenly Father that I thought I already understood. I honestly will never be the same. I can never go back to the way I used to be or the way I used to think. I feel like the inside of my brain is literally physically different. My vocal chords are stronger and more coordinated, I'm gaining confidence a little at a time. I am filled with gratitude for how life is made to teach us and stretch us and life eventually makes you face down your fears one at a time. I'm not near done facing down my fears. I am getting started though. I finally feel like I might be a grown up, or at least moving in that direction. I think mid life crisis' are a real thing. I think they are a really good thing. I know lots of friend in their late 30's early 40's that are in the middle of their mid life crisis.  Mine is going pretty well. The lows are low and the fear can be intense but the highs are so worth it and the things that I'm learning are incredibly valuable to me. Am I making sense? Saying I'm having a mid life crisis is mis leading. A year and a half ago I was really happy with my life. I was living my dream. My dream has always been to fall in love with a man that was good and kind and right for me. Check. Then have 8 kids because I knew I was going to excell at mother hood in a big way. By the time I was pregnant with my second I realized I'd overestimated my prowess as a mother. How in the world is one supposed to be sick and pregnant AND take care of a toddler???  So I made it to 5 kids. I got to cheat on the last 2. They came as twins.  I'm thrilled I have my 5 children. Every day I pray and strive to be the mother they need and deserve. I really did not think I was a canidate for a mid life crisis. My life was just exactly like I'd hoped. My mid life crisis was brought on by one little prayer. "Please give me an opportunity to sing at church. I'll say yes to anyone who asks me, even if it's a solo"   The goal I had for myself was to eventually be brave enough to sing a solo in Sacrament Meeting in the microphone!  That truly was the extent of my goal and vision for myself. I talk to Heavenly Father a lot. I pray a lot. But mostly I feel like I just have a running conversation with him all day every day. He guides me, corrects me and adds His opinion to my thoughts. Does He have an opinion? No, I think he just has truth............he adds His truth to my thoughts. I had no idea that Heavenly Father would have so much to say on the whole singing topic. Wo! This mid life crisis was God induced. I had no plan to try and shake my life up. Well now I'm just taking each little step I need to take to create the woman I want to be and to create the woman that God wants me to be. I'm doing it! I can't turn back now. I've lost 14lbs and hours of sleep. I've cried and been so freaked out but I've felt such incredible love and joy. The kind of love and joy that comes from God. There is NOTHING better in this whole world than God's love.  Today has been one of those incredible high days. Yesterday was pretty awesome too. The day before that though was a low. I was upset and couldn't stop crying. Luckily I went to my Aunt Janeal and had a massage/cranial sacral/ therapy session. The woman is amazing.

I have wanted to rename my blog. Nate named this one. I wanted to name it something more fitting to what I'm doing and who I am. I really like my new name and address. I think I love my new name and address. I can't wait to post on my new blog but I just have been so busy! What the heck?! My goal every week is to see how much nothing I have on my calender. That goal hasn't worked out so well  recently. Root canal's and eye appointments, soccer games and other stuff have been making things hectic. The laundry is all backed up again. :(

This will be the last post on this address. My new address is.....................

                                                                                 this.

I miss my grandma / my daughters are drama queens

I miss my grandma. She lives far far away in the land of my day dreams. Georgia, sweet Georgia. She will be 90 next month. When I was little I used to spend a week every summer at her house in Las Vegas. I got to fly there all by myself and stay there all by myself. She would take me to Circus Circus. She would take me shopping and buy me anything I wanted. I'd swim all day in her pool and she'd bring me those big orange and yellow Popsicles. She always had Chef Boy R D Ravioli's in the pantry. I used to love those. She made me feel like I was so special. I remember when my grandpa still worked as an engineer at Nevada Power. One morning when he was leaving for work he said good by to us as we were at the breakfast table. My grandma  pulled him down by his tie and gave him a good kiss. It made me so happy to see them in love. I'm sure he'll be so happy when she finally joins him on the other side.  I really want to go see my grandma and stay there all by myself and be her little grand daughter again.



This is a random post but that's OK right? It's my random mind and my random blog.

Emmaline is on a step in this picture. She is not a giant. Her director Suzie was wonderful!

 My 2 oldest daughters were in their school musical. Emmaline was Mulan. When she auditioned I never thought she'd get the lead. Then I heard her sing "Reflection" and I thought she sounded so sweet. She is about 10 times braver than I was that age. I never would have had the guts to audition for anything! She has built in confidence and she doesn't embarrass easily. She gets it from her dad.

There is my sparkly AnnaKate. She was a dressmaker in the play and was adorable. She is quite the little drama queen and I'm sure she'll be a movie star some day ;)

Emmaline with one of her very best friends. Her mom  is one of my very best friends so that works out nice. Her mom is the one who asked me to sing the solo last January which led to the discovery of my brand new voice! Thanks again Leilani :)

Emmaline's middle name is Helen after my Grandma. I really miss my grandma, I already said that.

Here she is with one of her leading men

Here she is with her other leading man. Their characters fell in love in the play so I told him to put his arm around her for the picture.

I recorded a song at O.S.S.  last week. It was so fun. I'm going to record another one tomorrow. I can't wait. Danny better not be too busy. He is playing the guitar for this one.  Danny, please drop out of school. You don't need it anyway. Your big music brain doesn't need to go through the motions of getting a degree. You're already awesome enough. 

Spring Break and my take on Utah Culture

Southern Utah

 That is the back of Zions Canyon. Those 3 peaks are called the 3 Patriarchs

These pictures don't do the red mountains justice. They looked so beautiful with the snowy ones in the back ground.


 We went to St. George to visit my sister and her family for a few days. Spring break was fun but on the drive home the kids were winy and fighting and I said what I always say when we take a trip. "We are never taking a trip with these kids again!"  Nate of course said "Didn't you just tell your sister we'd be back in a few weeks?"  At one point all 5 of them were crying and telling Nate he was the meanest dad in the world for taking their stuff and putting it on time out.   Honestly, traveling with kids can be so awful. It felt marvelous to come home, send the kids to school and have 2 1/2 hours of alone time.  I even made yummy tacos for dinner and my kids even ate them without much complaint. Making dinner lately has been a challenge for me. It's not that I don't like to cook and clean its just that I don't like cooking 3 meals a day plus snacks then cleaning up. My laundry is out of control. How in the world does this happen? I feel like I'm doing laundry every single day? How does the laundry chute get clogged and I have yet another mountain to fold? Working hard  and seeing my house work undone is at the root of much of my frustration with my job.

After dinner I went to a Relief Society meeting. David Baxter was the speaker. He is from Scotland. His accent is so pleasant on the ears. His humor is witty and delightful. Best of all he knows the gospel of Jesus Christ in it's purest form. He is a general authority in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  His talk was so beautiful. I wish I could put a copy of it on my blog but he didn't have it written down. He did not prepare in advance, he just got up there and spoke from his heart.  It was so pure.  After his talk I went up to shake his hand. I told him I loved his talk so much I wanted to give him a hug and a kiss.  Yes. Yes, I said that to a general authority. Why? Why do I say these things out loud? At least I didn't say all of what I was thinking. While he was speaking I was thinking "I love him!  If we lived in France it would be acceptable to kiss both of his cheeks! I'd like to kiss both of his cheeks."

When I was talking to him after he was saying how him and his wife have been struck by how judgemental the members of the church in Utah can be. He told me of a young man that wanted to serve a mission but while in the MTC (Missionary Training Center) he had a "mental collapse" from all the stress. He came home and his ward assumed he must have come home because of some grave sin. He is now attending another ward because he felt judged and scrutinized. I found it so interesting to hear the Baxter's perspective. They have lived all over the world so they have a broader perspective than me.

 There is this thing that happens in Utah.  There is the Mormon culture and then there is the true gospel of Jesus Christ. Sometimes we get the two confused. It's sad really.  The gospel in its purity is so healing and so lifting. Parts of the culture on the other hand can be so......... not healing. Parts of the culture can make it feel like there is only one way to be and if your not just that right way then there isn't a place for you. It is too easy to fall into the trap of comparing your self and judging yourself and worst of all, judging others.   I really think there is so much in our little Utah Mormon culture that people confuse for the gospel. I have a friend that lives in Illinois. She said she'd never want to live in Utah because it's too "mormony".  She is a Mormon! She said she would go crazy with all the competition and comparison that some women do within the church in Utah. I know what she is talking about. I have definitely been the one to be like "Oh, now she is doing right! Her kids are so smart and well behaved and I know she doesn't yell or swear when her husband is out of town." (my husband assures me that these "perfect" women most certainly do yell and swear)  I also feel kind of bad on the rare occasion when I show up to church and all my girls have perfect hair and they are wearing nice dresses (not the Punky Brewster outfits they usually put together) and I have on a new outfit.  I feel like I'm probably making some woman feel bad because she just couldn't pull it off that Sunday.  I feel like I need to explain myself and reassure them that I got the outfit on sale and I had to bribe my girls to wear those dresses and I just got lucky with them allowing me to do their hair and you should have seen the mayhem last Sunday!


Last month I went to the Relief Society birthday dinner. It was awesome but It kind of gave me a panic attack.

 Notice the servers in their matching aprons.  Those cakes were so pretty and so delicious! Can you tell how long that table is?  Full of amazing homemade cakes by the women in my neighborhood!

  Martha Stewart herself would have been proud of the decor and food. The whole time I was in shock at the amount of work and care that went into the decorations, food, matching outfits for the servers. Look at those old men in their matching green vests! I was saying a silent prayer.  "Please Heavenly Father, never put me in charge of a party like this. I'll use paper plates and have it catered. I could never nor would I want to try to organize something like this! "

One thing I am learning is that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be like anyone else. He just wants me to be my best self. He is the one who can help me see the very best version of myself. The thing that he has done for me is given me so much love and loved me just the way I am right now. When he surrounds me with his love  I really believe I am precious.  Love heals everything. God's love liberates and empowers.  It makes me feel like I can do anything he asks of me. It makes me feel like anything is possible. And yes, I have a little song about that too ;)       I'll sing it for you sometime.



Back to my St. George weekend.

 My sister's baby loves me. I was her favorite person. She let me hold her and hug her and kiss her and play with her. I guess she's not a baby, she is almost 3. You should see the way she says slide. It is indescribably cute! And the way she says bar-b-q sauce and ketchup. Oh Melissa, you need to get it on video, but if you can't I'm sure its's all saved and waiting for you.  I wrote a little song about that too.  It's video #25

My sister has lots of strengths that are my weaknesses. I am getting much better at not comparing my weaknesses to her strengths.  We can really help each other because we have different strengths.  I love being with her. It makes me want to be better. It also makes me want to go shopping.

This Friday is another open mike. I guess I'm going. If you want to come hear me feel free. 150 north 400 east in Bountiful at the Community of Christ Church. 7pm. I couldn't go last time but I heard there were some great musicians that came. I will have to keep reminding myself, "they have their strengths, I have mine" and not compare my weaknesses with their strengths. I must be brave and I must wear extra deodorant.

April 15, 11
I won't be going to the open mike. Something more fun has come up and I just can't miss it. Go hear the other musicians! I'll let you know when I go the the next one. 

I Surrender

I feel blocked and I don't know why.  Is it me? Is it something I'm doing or not doing?  Am I waiting around when I should be doing? But what should I be doing?  Or should I be waiting?  Or should I be doing something entirely different than what I'm trying to do?  What the heck is wrong???

I was thinking about the last time I felt really blocked. It was last summer. At that point I was writing 2 or 3 songs a week. I was on  roll. Then, I felt blocked. I felt like nothing was right. Nothing was good enough. I couldn't figure out what I needed to do so I did nothing. Then when I tried to fix my "everything is wrong feeling" that didn't work either because nothing was good enough and everything was not right! I was freaked out because I couldn't write a song. I'd start and I'd get one verse and it'd sound like a great beginning then nothing..........I couldn't finish a song. It made me worry.  Just like my song writing skill magically appeared in my life was it magically going to disappear?  The day before we were about to leave for a weeks vacation I decided I was going to stay up late and figure out what was wrong in my head and write a song if it killed me. It felt like I had to re learn how to write a song that night.

Step 1: Don't run away from your uncomfortable emotions, sit still in them.
Step 2: Sit still in your uncomfortable emotions long enough that they can turn into thoughts
Step 3: Let the thoughts turn into words that you write down
Most important step
Step 4: Don't judge yourself. don't edit your self.  Be honest even if you sound immature and selfish (you must be alone so no body can hear you. Then you won't worry about anyone else judging you. My family was sound asleep)

Here is the song I wrote that summer night.  It is called  I Surrender

I hope you can understand the words. If not let me know and I'll type them out next time.  The process of writing this song helped me realize I was paralyzed and unhappy because I was wanting everything to be perfect.  Perfection isn't going to happen in this life. This song helped me move on and accept who I am and what my life is right now. I think I need to do that today. I'm feeling a bit on the grouchy side today. It's snowing for one. The house is always a mess for two. I'm just overall bugged. I wish everything I did was better but it's not. I just have to accept what is right now and keep trying to improve.  I need to accept my messy house for now, I have 5 young kids with lots of friends. I need to accept the snow even if it is April, I live in Utah. I need to accept that all my projects for the house take time and money, take it one step at a time. I need to accept the fact that I can't please everyone, I just need to please God.


I think my 4 steps I use to write songs are the same 4 steps I take when I'm trying to figure problems out in my life. These steps help me process all the tricky details and feeling that life creates. They're good for more than just song writing.