off balance

I'm off.

I have several major dilemma's I'm in the process of figuring out.  One of which is,

I took Emmaline to the pediatric orthopedist because she has been complaining of knee pain off and on for over a year. I assumed it was growing pains or an overly dramatic personality. I finally took her in because her legs and her walk look out of alignment to me and honestly a feeling from somewhere outside of myself pressed the importance of it on my mind.

The Doctor then told us he would recommend surgery. Not one but two surgeries. 

Sawing through bones and such.

Emmaline and I sat there in shock.

I am definitely going to look into non surgical options. 

 Something called Structural Integration is what we will look into next I guess? 

Nate is calm and knows things will work themselves out and we will be able to come to the best decision. I know that too....somewhere deep down, below the scared confused surface.

Also, I think I'm either going through menopause or in a clinical depression or both.

Hope I figure that one out soon.

It makes all my decisions and responsibilities hard when I'm having a hot flash or a weepy spell or I feel like cussing and punching some body's (the twins)  lights out. 

I'm in the process of working on several new websites.

Myspace page

Facebook band page

Reverbnation page

iTunes .

 In 6 to 8 weeks 5 of my songs will be for sale on iTunes and 40 other online retailers where music is sold.

My friends Kurt and Melissa who have a recording studio in their home helped me set all these websites up. 

I am so grateful for their help. I couldn't have done it without them.

As we were setting up all the accounts I was feeling happy and calm and like "yep. Now is the time. Get it done" type of feeling.

Since then I've been feeling like, what would be worse?.....to get very little response or traffic to my sites or to get lots of traffic and response?  At this point either way unnerves me and sounds bad.  

I think I'm doing the best I can dealing with my heart pulling me in a direction I never planned on going.......... or did I? 

 I've always have had desires to figure out what I love. 

What am I good at? 

What could I do that would be useful to other people? 

 I've always admired my Aunt who knew she wanted to study medicine and became a Doctor in her 20's. I've always admired my best friend Natalie who knew she loved art and was working as a graphic artist when we weren't even out of high school. 

I've always wanted to know what I would love doing. What would feel fun and natural.? What the heck am I good at?

I think all those strong desires and questions have led me to this spot I'm now standing in. 

I'm just surprised and scared at times to follow the path I feel beckoning me. 

 I read a quote from Oprah. She said you only need enough courage to follow your own heart. I'm finding that to be true. My heart comes up with daring ideas and then I'm left with a dilemma of how to follow it's bold, pushy, thumping beats in my chest.

It always comes down to the same thing.

What am I going to choose?

Faith or Fear?

Fear's arguments are pretty convincing.  What am I doing creating all these websites when I barely have time to blog? What am I doing putting myself out there? I have a lovely life, what if it all gets turned on it's head? This is so embarrassing. Putting myself out there like I'm really some kind of singer. What if nobody buys my songs? I'll feel so dumb. What if  nobody ever looks at my websites? How pitiful I will feel.  It's not like very many people even look at the one website I have. What if this puts my family in danger? What if I can't get better at being a musician?

 And always my old stand by.......What if I'm crazy?

Do you ask yourself that? 

You know when you are watching a movie and suddenly a line out of the movie will jump out at you and it feels like some kind of divine text message?

Or when you are alone and a love surrounds you, and you know you are not alone even though you've seen no one. 

Or when thoughts and ideas flow into your mind seemingly from the outside in?

Faith or Doubt?

Believe, or chalk it up to wishful thinking?

Divine vision, or wild imagination?

Am I crazy?

I'll feel better soon I'm sure. It goes in a circle. Most of the details in life seem to work themselves out.

  I need to go repeat some positive affirmations in front of the mirror and I'm sure I'll be fine. ;)

I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful.

 I can really relate with Bob Wiley.