I NEED to write something.......a song, a blog post, a journal entry

I don't have time right now. I'm just going to post real quick anyway.

Swim Away.     Take a listen if you like. I wrote this song last April. Jill, my lovely sister in law invited my twins over to play  and my other 3 darlings were at school so I was home alone. I was feeling very happy and wanted to learn to play my new adorable ukelele. Jill, rememer you asked me what I did while the twins were there and I told you I was on the phone buying a new iphone?  I was, but then after that I wrote this song and then came and picked up the twins at your house. Thanks for giving me the time to float away into dream land :)
I recorded this little diddy on Saturday.  Can I tell you how much I love going to Onion Street Studio.
I love singing and all that. I love recording my stuff for real and not just in my bathroom on my iphone, but what I really love is having the support and friendship of Melissa, Kurt and Brett.  They get me and they get my music and that really feels good and reassuring.

 This is me and Gwenyth the day I wrote Reprimand. I had just finished writing the song and Gwenny came in and snuggled up to me and fell asleep. I picked up my notebook next to me and added the line "sleep on me, I can hear you breathe"  Then I took this picture with my iphone. I loved this moment and I feel so grateful to have captured a bit of it in this song and in this picture.

Today is my son's birthday. Luke, my boy is 7. He stayed home from school because of a stomach bug. I adore my sweet boy. He is such a precious gift to me.  He came right in between my 2 sets of girls. He was my big fat boy. He'd sleep and sleep and sleep. I got so much done when he was a baby. I'd hike and garden and do pilates, plus caring for my daughters and home. He has continued to be such a mellow go with the flow kind of child. He is sweet and loving and all boy. I love to watch him on the soccer field. He is so much like his wonderful father.

I'm his favorite. He has always been a mama's boy

He is such a kind gentle and heroic big brother

I never had to worry about him getting too rough with my baby twins. He'd just lay with them and talk to them.

Here he is all big and 7.  He said "I like this picture, I look like a prophet. My head is glowing"

 I love you my sweet boy. 

It Won't Be Long

My friend Diane sent me this quote after she watched my Jupiter song.

".....surely those who have passed beyond, can see more clearly through the veil back here to us than it is possible for us to see them from our sphere of action. I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separated from them....we are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors, to our  friends and associates and co-laborers who have preceded us into the spirit world. We cannot forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties we cannot break...[They] can see us better than we know them. They have advanced; we are advancing; we are growing as they have grown; we are reaching the goal that they have attained unto; and therefore, I claim that we live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever."  (Gospel Doctrine: Selections from the Sermons and Writings of Joseph F. Smith (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1978), 430-431)

Diane thank you so much, keep the quotes coming my way! You and my mom are fountains of wisdom.
I have had many experiences in my life that have taught me that we really do have angels around us. I know many of my family and friends who have had beautiful experiences. It's not some rare thing that only happens once in a life time. If your heart is open you can feel your angels love every day.



How about a song. I wish the quality of the recording was better. I hate how I sound fuzzy.

I just tried to record  It Won't Be Long.  It took me 6 tries!!!! 6!!! It's almost 1am. I know this song perfectly. It's really easy to play and the words just repeat themselves. I have sung it perfectly at the open mic.

It's full of mistakes and I was going to give up. Nate called up from downstairs. "Don't give up"  So  I just kept going.  It's not perfect but I hope you get my meaning and feel the truth of it.

Here are the words in case you couldn't understand me
It Won't Be Long
I passed the devil on the street today
handsomely disguised
he recognized me I recognized him
handsomely disguised
but I saw his eyes and they burned with hate and lies
turn around turn around
he says to me without a sound
but I saw his eyes
so I pass him by

you can't fool me
with your cheap disguise
you know I have the eyes to see your cheap disguise

And it hasn't been long since I've flown with angels
no it hasn't been long since I've flown with angels
I know there's only one way for me to get brave and strong
I gotta be down here choose the right from the wrong

I passed the devil on the street today
handsomely disguised
he recognized me I recognized him
handsomely disguised
but I saw his eyes and they burned with hate and lies
turn around turn around
he says to me without a sound

he knows I see his eyes
so he tells me lies
 that I want to believe
that are just for me
lies just for me
that I want to believe


but I hear the angels and I  know their song
I feel the angels with their love so strong
I hear the angels and I know their song
I feel the angels with their love so strong
and it won't be long no it won't be long
I gotta be so brave and strong choose the right from the wrong
and it won't be long
no it won't be long!

Bitter with the Sweet

Last night I was thinking about which song I want to sing on my blog next. I can't  pretend that I don't like doing this. I do like doing this. I love telling stories and writing and singing songs feels like telling stories.  I do wish I could be more relaxed when I sing in front of real live people that I love. I'm sure I'll eventually get desensitized.

I have been thinking about how grateful I am to have discovered a creative outlet.  Motherhood is really hard and so much of it is completely out of my control. My kids are there own little people. They make their own choices . I can't control them. Some of the time it feels like Nate and I are failing as parents.  I don't know if my kids are harder than the average kids. Is there an average kid?  My twins for instance seem extra feisty. I don't know if they really are or if it's because there are 2 of them. One is gasoline and the other is a match.                Boom!

Sarah Caroline.  Isn't that a lovely name? She is named after Nate's Grandmother and Nate's Mother. Both lovely amazing women.  For now, my little Sarah is the death of me. Yesterday for instance, she was hungry. She wanted to stop at "Ric Donald's" for some chicken "nuggies".  I told her I just bought dino nuggies from Costco, let's go home and have those and I'll make you a slushy!  She started to prepare for freak out fit lift off.  I really didn't want to listen to her scream. I went to "Ric Donald's" . In the drive through she starts screaming for sprite. I reminded her she wanted me to make her a slushy. She said she wanted a slushy AND a sprite. I'm feeling mad by now. I tell her no. We drive home with her screaming and kicking. Gwenyth is plugging her ears saying "she's so annoying! she's so annoying!"  (Sometimes Gwenyth say's "annoising"  I think that's a great word combo.......annoying + noisy = annoising.)   It's torture for both Gwen and I to listen to her scream and plead. Then we get home and she kicks and hits us. Then I take her up to time out which is really hard because she is big and wild. I give her a good pinch on the way up the stairs from mommy's "pinchy crab" (sometimes it's the only way to get her attention. Don't judge me.)  She comes out screaming again. I put her back. I'm out of breath and all worked up. Finally she chills out.

The next time she asks me for something that she wants, that I want to say no too, I'm just going to say no. She is going to find something, anything, to scream about anyway so I might as well draw the line where I want it.

For the record, this morning she has been an absolute doll.  She slept in, ate all her breakfast. Let me do her hair, got herself dressed and has been saying funny things and making me laugh.  I asked her just now to take the popcorn bowl to the the sink. She said very seriously  "I can't. I hurt my arms."  I asked how, she said  "da dog bit dem"

Tabitha is 11 pounds of pure love. So Sarah blaming her "hurt" arms on the dog really made me laugh.
You gotta taste the bitter with the sweet I guess. I hope she grows out of her crazy fits soon!

I love you Sare Bear


I'll post a song soon. I tried to this morning but then I talked too long on the video and then the house got noisy and I really need to do the laundry and make dinner for once!

I'm back. It's now 10:30 pm. I did cook dinner and I even made cookies! I didn't do the laundry :(  I just made a video of me singing Jupiter
I made a video of me giving the story behind Jupiter this morning. I always have a story and I love to tell my little stories. If you are sick of my little stories then you better not come back to this blog because I'm just going to keep telling them. :)

This video is the story about the song. Don't skip it. It's a happy story.

Jupiter sounds better in person.  I love this simple little song and I hope you do too.

I'm learning how to do the whole You Tube thing

Here is a video I made last night. The sound isn't matched up with my mouth but the song sounds good enough. I'll be trying to make a better video when ever I get a quiet moment...........that doesn't happen too often.

This song is called How I Hope

In this video I sing a song called  I Don't Watch the News and  Messy House

OK, well here are my first attempts at posting myself on YouTube and my blog.  Have mercy.  I'm sure I will get faster and better at this whole process, right? 

Lori, thank you so much for sending me the web cam!!! I still need to send you a check.  I've been spending all my free time trying to mess around with technology and such, so I have neglected to do a few things like send you a check and take a check to the school for my kids empty school lunch accounts! 

I'm off to the post office and then the school!

Have a great day

This week was an adventure. My sister came up for a visit with 4 of her 5 kids. Me, My sister Melissa and my Sister in law Ashley were champions as we drove all over the place taking our kids on outings and providing them with very valuable cousin bonding time.  We survivied all the whining, crying, running off, getting lost, fighting and chaos.  Cousin bonding time is worth it.

we took the kids to the aquarium and a movie the day before that!  We are such fun moms!

Perhaps you think we look like twins?  I think we do in this picture.  Camilla, nice photography work! I played Melissa my new song I wrote just for her. Melissa, tell me again how much you like it, would you please?

Melissa, me and Ashley have 14 kids between us!  Did I mention James and Ashley have a set of twins just younger than my twins?  We are a very lucky family.  Thanks for dinner Papa!

Emmaline Helen, you are a little Martha Stewart.  The morning of St. Patrick's day, before the sun was up, I could hear the beaters, I could hear cupboards slamming, I could hear dishes clanking.  It was Emmaline the Leprechaun.  She made green pancakes with green whipped cream. I'm so glad Emmy loves to do this kind of thing (because I don't). Our house would be so lacking in the festive department without her!


I will be singing tonight if you want to come listen. I have no idea how many of my friends actually read this here blog. I've had a few admit to "secretly" reading it. I wouldn't know since these secret readers don't leave comments. My sister says it's human nature to want to remain anonymous.  It's also human nature to feel freaked about posting personal stuff on a public blog.........or sing at open mics..........I can't turn back now.
See you tonight?

make breakfast, do laundry, go to the recording studio............

I know I said I'd talk about the lessons I learned from the experience I talked about in my last post but I fear that I'll start going on and on and on and start delving into deep doctrine and philosophical philosophies. Let's see if I can put it in a nut shell.

The devil was messing with me. He wanted me to be scared and think that me and my song were worthless.  Secondly, it wasn't time for me to get into music yet. Heavenly Father knew he was about to send me twins so at that time he didn't answer any of the questions I was asking him about the mysterious part in my Patriarchal Blessing that I couldn't figure out.




Saturday is a special day, it's the day I go to the recording studio :)

 That's me trying to not explode with joy.

That's Danny being cool, calm and so kind to me as my heart was beating out of my chest. Danny, thanks for the awesome hook up with Kurt, Bret and Melissa!!!!

Here is Kurt and Bret. They are skilled. They are also so sweet and helped me not freak out.

This might look like a normal house, but inside is Onion Street Studio.  This fantastic wonderland is only 2 houses down from my friend Melanie's house,  where my daughter takes piano!!!  All this time I've been dropping off my daughter at piano and never knowing there was a recording studio a couple houses down where I would have the opportunity to record my little songs...................which brings me to another bit of my ever flowing wisdom....you ready?

Everything you need to reach your potential is within your reach.  Everyone you need to reach your potential is closer than you think.  You won't be left alone.  God will hook you up.

Open mike............and a story about me and Lori Mckenna

This is Jason Miller.  He is from Scotland. He moved here when he was 18.  He has an awesome Scottish accent.  He talks like a regular old boring American most of the time though so people don't get "distracted" by his accent.  I told him maybe we want to get distracted by his Scottish accent and it's a crime to cover it up with a boring American one!  OK, well I didn't exactly say that, but I think if I could talk like that I'd never cover it up!!!  Jason chooses not to sing, he plays the guitar like some kind of crazy guitar master.  He says he can't sing. I gave him and his daughter a light lecture on the fact that anyone can learn to sing and all of us can improve our singing voices. (see singingsuccess.com)

This is Jason's daughter Emily.  She is only 13 years old.  See her hands? She play the piano with passion. I am so glad Emily comes. We were the only girls last time.  My songs are from my feminine perspective so I took a lot of comfort in Emily listening and understanding more what I'm singing about.

This is Rob.  He writes beautiful songs on his guitar. In fact I can't believe I have the guts to play my guitar in front of these guys. They are really nice though and tell me I'll get better.

 They all said they were coming back to the next open mic on March 18th,  So if any of you who are reading this decide to come listen, this is the 6 of us that will be there and maybe some others. I don't know.   400 East 100 North in  Bountiful at the Bountiful Community of Christ Church. 7:30 pm


Now I'll continue a story from my last post. It happened about 5 or so years ago

 I really like telling stories, even if I'm not sure who is reading them.   OK, so I'm in the pit of despair, So, I make a plan to get myself out of the pit.

1. Draw close to God. Pray for peace and understanding about the confusing hard situation my loved one was in.
2. Write in a journal again. It had been years since I'd written in a journal.
3. Take walks and hikes.
4. Pursue an interest.

My four step plan worked. Heavenly Father really did and still does give me peace and understanding about this interesting situation in my loved one's life. Humbling myself and going to Him was and is the key to my happiness.  I started feeling better and better. Writing in my journal for the pure intent of just cleansing negative thoughts and giving myself therapy really helped. I didn't write in my journal to keep an accurate history of my life or inspire my kids someday when I'm dead and gone or any other noble reason. I wrote purely for myself. In fact I wrote in pencil and gave myself permission to erase or burn anything I wanted.  I also got my guitar out of the basement and found a place to take lessons. I had bought my guitar when I was about 22. I had taught myself a little but never really got serious. Anyway I have always loved listening to the guitar and wished I could play. So now I'm finally getting to the Lori Mckenna part.  Wow, I took the long way around for sure. (if you didn't read my last post, Jim, my friend at the open mic told me last week, my songs and style remind him of Lori Mckenna. Lori Mckenna happens to be my hero, mentor, idol, and imaginary friend. You can imagine how happy that made me)

 A little more than 5 years ago, I'm at home in my kitchen. I have Oprah on in the family room and I'm kind of watching while I clean. It's a show with Faith Hill and her new album. Some of her songs on her record are written by Lori Mckenna. Faith Hill loved Lori Mckenna and her songs and wanted her to come on Oprah with her


. So Here is Lori, this stay at home mom of 3 little boys. She sings Ruby's Shoes to Oprah and talks a little about herself.  I am standing in my kitchen crying. I feel incredibly proud of her. I feel like if she would have been my own sister I couldn't have been more proud of her. I love her voice, songs, persona. I love her. I feel like I understand her and know what her life is like because I am also a stay at home mother of 3 little children.  I also felt this sad ache. I didn't know why. I just felt this longing.

I thought a lot about Lori Mckenna after this. I think some of why I felt sad was because I loved music and I loved the guitar but I was a scared baby that hid in her room to practice the guitar and sang really soft so no one would hear. I felt sad because I knew I could never do what Lori was doing. I didn't know how to play the guitar. I didn't know how to sing.....(you know, like, radio sing. I could church sing but not radio sing)  I didn't know how to write songs. And the biggest.............I was full of fear when it came to singing in front of anyone.  Then I felt really confused with myself..........why would I want to do what Lori was doing? I had never had hopes of being a musician. I had never had hopes of writing songs. Why would I? I was living my dream. My dream was to be a happy wife and a wonderful mother, just like my mom. It was a strange mixture of emotions and a confusing mixture of thoughts.

One night I was practicing the guitar.  I was bored with it. I kind of found learning the guitar boring and hard. I wondered to myself..................."could I write a song?"  Then I tried. I Played 3 chords around and around. Heard a melody in my head that could go with it. Started singing the words that were on my mind.  I worked on this little song for 2 or 3 nights. I thought it was a fun and rewarding process. I assumed the song was no good, but it was still a really fun process.

Then this happened.  I started to have these thoughts and feelings about my little song. The thoughts were..............."Why would you be able to write a decent song?" ...................."Why would you want to?"  "Your gutless. Who would you even sing it for?" .........."It's a dumb song anyway"
Then I start to feel embarrassed for even trying.................I feel glad this song is written in my journal and nobody knows I even tried.  I honestly started to feel ashamed that I even tried to write a song.
I don't finish the song and I don't try to write another one.

Soon after this I find that I'm pregnant with twins! I quit guitar because I get bad carpel tunnel in my hands and varicose veins in my legs and it just hurts too much to play the guitar. My guitar goes in my basement for the next 4 years.  The twins have pretty much monopolized  my life since I was about 4 months pregnant with them.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep because I was finishing this post in my head in bed. Now I'm drawing a blank. Where did I want to go with this? Why was I telling you this story? ..............Hum.

Well I'm writing a book here.  I would like to go on with the lesson's I learned from this experience but I'm dying to tell you what I did Saturday!!!! I think I'll do both on my next post since this one is long......again.....


P.S. All my family pictures are done by my Aunt LeeAnn Samsel. 

LASIK, open Mike, and depression

I got LASIK Wednesday so I haven't been able to blog. I can see really well and everything but my eyes feel tired and achy and staring at the computer makes it worse. I'm finally continuing my open mic story.

This is how I have to sleep at night.  I can't rub my eyes or it could mess things up.........hence, the eye shield. I also clench my teeth at night. I started doing this last year.....ever since the whole, trying to learn how to sing in front of people debacle............hence, the mouth guard.


Honey, do I turn you on?......................Be honest.




Continuing on from my last post...........................

The other two songs I sang were

3. It Won't Be Long  I wrote the first verse of this song one night when Nate was out of town and the kids were asleep.  It spooked me out.  I didn't finish the song till about a month later.  The second verse is happy and fun so I shouldn't have been such a baby. When Nate heard it for the first time he said it was SCARY.  He is a tender boy.  We got  new electric tooth brushes for Christmas.  The day after we got them he was using his old fashioned brush by hand tooth brush. I asked him "why aren't you using your new electric tooth brush?"  he said  "It's scary"

4. The last song I sang is called Possible It's a happy happy song. I like to end on a happy note.  I wrote this song when I was in a very positive mood. I had just watched Oprah's 25th season premiere show. You know the one where the whole audience gets to take a dream trip to Australia and the big plane comes on stage and then the 6 best friends think they are driving to the hotel but they are really driving on the the set of Oprah's live show!!! I was laughing and loving that whole show. It really did make me feel like anything is possible. Sometimes I feel that very strongly, but other times I get bogged down with reality............or what I perceive to be reality............Anyway, this particular Oprah put my mind and heart in a state where all things are possible with God.  Since I really feel God backing me up on this whole music venture, I really do feel like all, I mean ALL things are possible. 

This is James Crowley.  He is the master mind and muscle behind the open mic night. He had a garage sale with his church members and bought all the equipment.  He  gets there early and sets all the equipment up. Stays after and cleans it up.  He's advertised it and gone to a lot of work. Thanks Jim!  I really enjoy his songs. He writes a lot of his own stuff and plays the guitar and sings so well. Plus, he gave me the very best compliment................Oh my, it is so great I don't even know if I dare type it. Will you think I'm a bragger?  Am I a bragger?  I might be a bragger.  Forgive me! He told me that I remind him of ............are you ready?..............Lori Mckenna.  If you don't know who Lori Mckenna is then you are missing out. She is my hero, mentor, idol, imaginary friend. I have had many conversations with her. (in my head)  If I ever get to meet her I will have to get her all caught up on all the conversations I've had with her in my head already. I have all her Cd's and know all the words to all her songs and sing them with gusto, while I clean my kitchen.  Jim told me my songs and style are similar to her.  He couldn't have made me more happy.  Thank you Jim!

I have a good story about the first time I ever heard/saw Lori Mckenna.  It was when I was about 30 years old.  I had 3 kids at the time. After I had my third baby I was feeling very depressed and overwhelmed. I felt like I was living my dream life, the one I'd always wanted, BUT there was one big problem.  I was not the mother and wife I had dreamed I would be. I had the husband of my dreams and yet I would take him for granted. I didn't realize just how blessed I was to have such a kind hard working man. I treated him more like a team mate in the parenting game. I was the boss and he was my assistant.  I had the house and the healthy beautiful children I had always dreamt of. They were just so much dang work! One was starting school and stressing me out with school meetings and homework. But she was also such an easy going child that I always feared I was neglecting her.  The other one was pushing all my buttons, all the time, and I was loosing my temper, which in turn would depress me and put me into guilt trip mode. The third was my perfect baby. Perfect yes, but also a baby that took up so much of my time and energy and milk. About 6 weeks after my baby was born I was given some very hard news. Not about me or my children but about a loved one of mine that I am very close to.  It was very hard for me, I was grieving and it pushed me down into a depression that lasted several months. I pulled away from God and honestly felt mad at God. I felt so sad. The further away from God I got, the sadder I felt. Being so depressed for my loved one and feeling like God had been unfair in the whole situation pushed me into feeling sad about myself.  I need God's love and his reassurance so badly and I was too confused to even try to draw close to Him.  Because I was starving myself of God's love, I stared to feel very down about myself.   I felt like I was the most mediocre, under achieving, below average mother and human being there ever was.  I had such a blessed life and yet I was depressed and felt so guilty that I was sad amidst all of my blessings.  Motherhood was 10 times harder than I thought and I was 10 times less than I thought.  I thought I'd have 8 kids. 4 girls and 4 boys. I'd be as patient and kind as Michelle Duggar.  Instead I was left wondering had I ever, in my life, ever, been good at anything?  Was I always going to be so below average?  Was I always going to be a flunkie?  I had always hoped  motherhood was where I'd excel.  It was always my dream to fall in love, good and hard and then have as many babies as I could possibly handle. I really believed and still believe that there was nothing more important that I could do with my life than to be a mother.

Well, as usual I'm going on and on and taking a detour from my story...........not really taking a detour, just giving lots of details.  I'll continue tomorrow.

By the way.  Next Friday, March 18th at 7:30 pm at the Bountiful Community Church of Christ. I will be singing at another open mic. I'm finally ready to reveal the secret location of these open mics. It is on 400 east 100 north in Bountiful.  If you want to come, you are more than welcome. I think it costs a few bucks to come and listen. I'll have to ask Jim about that. 

Open mike...........round 2.........plus, a tangent on body image

This is Russ. He used to teach a music curriculum for elementary schools. He's also a retired pastor.  He plays the banjo. I love the banjo. My favorite song of his was one he wrote.  It was about when he was a boy living in Virginia.

Russ said I remind him of Janis Joplin.  Yep, that's what he said. Me..........nervous, sweaty, Mormon mommy of 5 reminds him of Janis Joplin.  Awesome! I'll take it!

I had to watch some Janis Joplin on you tube last night.  I'm not that familiar with Janis. I sure as heck hope I don't sound like Janis. I do like her passion and intensity on stage. I'm hoping that was the similarity that Russ saw  when he compared me to Janis Joplin.

I sang 4 songs Friday night.
1. No Wonder.    It's a love song I wrote for Nate. I really like it. I like it more than Nate likes it I'm sure. Honey, you know I'm right.

2. That's Not Me.........or maybe I should call it Woman Heart..............can't decide.  This is my Janis Joplin-esqe song.  I'm kind of ticked off in this song.  It's about the media and all the crap it feeds women. I'm just mad. I'm mad because I have 4 daughters that are already absorbing lies that the media tries to sell. I'm mad because I have absorbed lies the media sells. I'm mad because sometimes I waste time and energy being sad that my body isn't the exact shape I want it to be. I want this bigger and this smaller and this younger and this not deflated and this not stretched to oblivion! I'm mad because I've actually seriously considered getting plastic surgery. I haven't gone in for a consult or anything but I have talked to friends who've had work done............googled it..................thought about the cost and the pro's and con's.  Let's just say I have spent some serious time studying this out in my mind. My husband would let me do anything I wanted. He doesn't want me to get "work done" but he sure wouldn't stop me if I insisted. He makes enough money I could rationalize that we can afford it. I know God wouldn't stop me. God has never interfered with the choices I've made, even if they are not the best thing for me. So what's stopping me?  My Grandma Samsel for starters.

She died when I was 23 but I have felt her around at all the important  or challenging times in my life.  The first year of my twins life I felt her every day. She was like my coach and support. One day I was having a conversation in my head and and saying to myself......"That's it! I'm doing it!  I'm going to get this done and I'm going to get that done.  I want to reconstruct what once was mine.....................that's all.................... It's reconstructive surgery. I've sacrificed my body and had 5 babies!!! I deserve this!!! I have carried them and birthed them and nursed them. I owe it to myself! I'm gonna be so hot. My hotness powers will be off the charts.   Watch out Nate, you won't be able to restrain yourself!  That's when I heard my Grandma Samsel say.  "Don't you dare"........... Oh c'mon!
She just totally burst my bubble. I was on a roll and she ruined my fun.

Before I started writing songs, or being so open in this blog, I could feel this simmering in me. All this frustration with the media and how convincing it is. I have lots of very beautiful friends. Beautiful inside and out. I have seen some of my very beautiful friends be deceived into thinking that because they are 5 "3 and curvy that they aren't as beautiful as they wish they were. I have seen some of my very gorgeous friends truly believe that they are going to have to get a tummy tuck or nose job or "boop" job (did you see cjane's vlog last Friday? Hilarious!!!!)    They truly believe they don't have another choice, they are just going to have to go in for major surgery. I knew I had to do something!!! Write a book. Give a speech. Do something!!!

I'll tell you what I wish.....................I wish that when I told my girls that beauty comes from within, I really meant it.  No, like REALLY meant it.  Like I really accepted my body every day. Like I really am OK with getting older because I know it doesn't matter if I have wrinkles or my neck starts to sag because that's not even me! The Real me is eternal and will never get old and die. The real me has lived for who knows how many eons before this life. The real me knows my value is so much greater than the size of my waist or the age of my body. The real me knows that the resurrection is a real thing that will be given to EVERYONE. We'll all be walking around looking as gorgeous and perfect as we want to be..................Forever!


 So what it comes down to for me is a choice between 2 people.

The physical me or the spiritual me.  Who am I really? Who do I really want to be? What part of myself do I want to nurture?

Do I want to nurture the part of myself that obsess over my hair and clothes?  The part of me that is so unhappy with how my skin is loosing it's tone?  Should I nurture the part of me that thinks I should just do what I want because I want it and that's reason enough?  What's the big deal?  So I want to look better. I shouldn't have to spend the rest of my life with these battle scars from my child bearing years!

But what if I could nurture that part of myself that knows my worth and my happiness has nothing to do with my age or my beauty or lack there of?  What if I could nurture that part of myself that really knows that there might be something a  whole lot better than perfect proportions?  What if I could teach my daughters by my example that beauty does come from within?  What if I could be happy with myself  at age 40, 50, 60. What if I could do that?! Wouldn't that be the best!?

I can't do both. I can't get some work done and then get down to the work of accepting myself at any age and all that. Nope. It's one or the other.

Oh wow.  As you can see I have a lot to say on the subject. I'm not near done. Not near.

OK well this is getting long. I'll finish the open mic story later. I didn't really plan on going off like that today. Let me know what you think...........I like comments.


P.S.
These are my decisions and opinions for my life.  I hold no moral judgement for anyone that wants to do what they want to look and feel beautiful.  It's all between me, myself and God............... and my Grandma Samsel.  You gotta do what you gotta do and I gotta do what I gotta do.  I'll bring you dinner and flowers after your surgery if that's what you choose. I'll probably give you a loving lecture on your inner and outer beauty and eternal worth before you have surgery..............  but I can't help that. 

I don't want to live a virtual life, I want a real one

I am really good at day dreaming. I have a vivid imagination. Some of the dreams I have at night are better than movies. I have dreams where I'm not even in them, I just watch them like a movie. I have dreams where I am different characters. Sometimes I know I'm playing a character and other times I really think I'm a totally different person. My last dream where I wasn't even me went like this.

 I was a scrawny, blonde, 19 year old college boy. I was a computer nerd/genius and the big jocks were jealous of my skills. They were busting into our frat house to beat me and all my smart friends up. It was scary.

Before 2010 I never thought I was creative. The only time I ever thought I was creative was in my sleeping dreams. I have thought over the years, I must have creativity in me somewhere since my dreams are such a crazy, vivid, real experience.  Now that I have found a use for all my day dreaming and conversations in my head I'm starting to see my own creative abilities. I have been really happy and grateful for this discovery.

Sometimes I can daydream up such great and fun stories for my life. It is so satisfying I don't even want to try to do it in my real life. That would be too real and out of my control and have all the elements of reality that make it scary.  BUT..................... I don't want just a "virtual reality" life.  I want a real one. That is why I forced myself to go to another open mic night even though it makes me sweaty and nervous.  That is why I force myself to keep practicing on the guitar even though it hurts my fingers and I think I'm slow at it. That's why I keep doing my vocal exercises even though I still crack and sound bad at times. That's why I keep trying to face my fears a little at a time in an effort  to gain some confidence.

This morning at breakfast  Nate made crepes. I was trying to tell my family about how my second open mic went last night. They didn't seem that interested. They changed the subject to who did or didn't make it to the top ten on American Idol. I told my husband I sang the love song I wrote for him. He looked a little dazed and tired as he tried to act interested. Poor guy. He played church basketball this morning and we all know how intense church ball can get.  All that pent up testosterone being released on the court. I can't believe I let him take Gwenyth. Whatever, I had fun last night. It's ok that they aren't that intersted. Nate doesn't make me listen to every detail of the last Jazz game so I say we're even and being respectful of our different interests.  Plus I knew that I could blog all about it and post pictures and type every detail!!!

If you would have just witnessesd and heard the hour and 1/2 of screaming and girl shenanagens that I just had to endure your jaw would drop! Unless you have little girls, then you would know it was a normal every day ocurrance and  that it comes with the territory. I had to brush out AnnaKate's hair. It's past her waist and hasn't been brushed well in at least 5 days. I stongly encouraged her to take a shower before the birthday party. Then I brushed it out. It only took 30 minutes. It's a good thing my arms are so long. After a ridiclulous amount of freaking out because things weren't working out exactly as she planned, AnnaKate, Gwenyth, and Sarah are at the party!!!  Emmaline, Luke and Daddy went skiing. Skiing will be the next fear I conquer.  I think I'll save that one for next winter.  I don't want to give myself a nervous breakdown.

I didn't take any pictures of all the chaos that happened at home. Emmaline and Luke and Nate had a great time!

conversations in my head

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was really tired and went to bed early but then Nate needed to talk about some stuff that is stressing him out. He usually doesn't get stressed out so I was glad I could talk things through with him. He then proceeded to fall asleep in less than 2 minutes. He has a real knack for falling asleep fast. I laid there really tired but now my brain was all revved up from our talk.....................my brain is a very interesting place to be at times. I think it's because I talk to myself and I talk to anyone else I feel like talking to. I have great conversations in my head with all kinds of interesting people.  If I'm mad at someone, I tell them off really thoroughly in my head.  If I feel like someone misunderstands me, I explain myself so well.  I do it more now than ever. Ever since I started writing songs it has made it worse..............or better, depending on how I look at it.  This is nothing new for me. I have had detailed conversations in my head since I was little.  In 4th grade I read The Diary of Anne Frank. When I finished it, it seemed only natural to have a conversation in my head with Anne and thank her for her beautiful and honest diary.  Same thing in 5th grade when I read Helen Keller. I kind of can't help it. I find myself talking to all kinds of people in my head.  Sometimes Nate will catch me talking or laughing out loud. That's embarrassing. I'm not embarrassed that I talk to myself (and others) but I don't like being caught doing it. Sometimes my twins will ask me "who are you talking to mom?"   And I tell them,  "Adam and Eve.  Mostly Eve.....  er........ I mean........... nobody, just myself.  Can I get you something honey?"  I can't be the only one that engages in this very fun activity?????  Do you talk to people in your head?  I didn't realize that this habit is very helpful when it comes to song writing.  Have you ever wished you could go back and talk to your teenage self?...........You know, give yourself a few pointers and some encouragement. I have looked at pictures of myself in my teens wearing really unflattering clothes with a bad hair do and have wished I could go back and help that skinny awkward girl.  I wrote a little song about it. It was one of the very first songs I wrote. It felt really good to write. Want to hear it?  I don't have a web cam or I'd maybe sing it for you. But maybe not. It's kind of silly and the melody is only so so. I do like the words though. It's really wordy and is more of a poem than a song. I'll type it out for you.
    

                                        Me at Sixteen


Last night I had a crazy dream
I went to lunch with myself at 16
I looked into my smooth young face and saw an awkward sort of grace
Girl! It's nice to see you, I 'm you and your me
I've got a lot on my mind and I'd like you to see
I have a short list of things we can do
To make a better me and you
Let me show you how to wear your hair and what clothes to wear
Those glasses are way too big for your face
This growing up thing is not a race

Respect your father keep listening to your mother
Be nicer to your little brothers
You'll never get anywhere comparing yourself to you sister
Just a few more things I need to say
I hope you have more attention to pay
Soon I'll wake up and you'll disappear
I'll be back to 36, just laying here

Now don't be so unsure
You've heard His voice before
You'll know what to do
I'll put my trust in you

Try harder in school and don't be so cruel
To the reflection staring back at you
I know you think your hips are wide
But you'll be glad for every inch when you've got twins inside
In a couple years you'll take the S.A.T.
That score says nothing about you and me
The only thing it probably says, you didn't study but played instead
You're going to think it's an eternity
But it's only 7 years till your 23
That's when you'll meet your blue eyed boy
Who redefines what you thought was joy!

It's easy to see the fear on your face
I've said too much like we usually do
Let's not worry, let's not cry
Our future comes a day at a time

Now don't be so unsure
You've heard His voice before
You'll know what to do
I'll put my trust in you


Do you like it?.................  I like it. Actually I think it is quite therapeutic to talk to the different parts and different ages of myself. I think we carry around these different parts of ourselves. Especially the young vulnerable awkward parts of ourselves. It has been very helpful for me to imagine in my mind my 37 year old self talking to the shy scared 5 year old self. I have the hind sight to really reassure her that everything is going to be OK.  When I started writing songs and then started singing them for other people and then started talking to my guitar teacher about making a demo, something happened inside my head. It was like my  5 year old self was standing in the back of my mind saying. "You can't do this. It's too risky and I'm soooooooooo scared!!!"  Then there was my junior high self.  "You can't really think you'll succeed? Our body is not the right shape.  Are we ever going to hit puberty?!"    Then there was my 17 year old self standing their trying to make her point  "You can't pursue music seriously.............don't you remember our score on the S.A.T.?  It's embarrassing how we bomb standardized tests!"  All these scared insecure girls were lined up in my head. I could see them and hear them and it was too much for me.

 That's when I had to let it all out.  The lucky recipient of this blow up was my sweet Nathan.  He is a pro at handling my melt downs.  He's had 13 years of practice. I cried and cried till my face was red and puffy.  I  voiced all the insecurities I've ever had. My husband patiently listened. He didn't say a word till he was sure I had it all out. Then he politely asked if he could say something.  I was done and very tired so I let him rebuttal all my (our) claims to being a complete failure and utter loser. He said "How does your S.A.T. score have anything to do with song writing and singing?"  Honey, just be yourself. That's all you can do"  He held me and hugged me as we lay there in our dark room.   He's right too.  There is so much that I don't know how to do. (like scan a picture and zoom in on it for my blog!!!! Technology!!!! Curse you!!!) There is so much I am not good at.  But the one thing I do know how to do is just be myself. Just be honest and open. I don't want some big career or be rich and famous. I love my life just the way it is. I don't want to disrupt or change it. I do love writing songs and I do love singing them. I can't be a secret singer song writer in my bathroom forever.  The point of writing songs is to share them. Come what may, success, rejection, change, whatever it brings. I know I'm being myself and doing what I love and just being honest. What else can I do?

Here I am today, still haven't showered, no make up and a big zit.  Today I have been taking care of my twins and writing this post and that is pretty much it.  I think I better go be productive. I could unpack for Nate......he he. I still haven't done that.

This is off the subject but yesterday my sister in law Ashley brought me this flower in this lovely butterfly pot. Isn't it pretty? Orange is my favorite color.  When she stopped by I was practicing with Danny my guitar teacher.  He is going to help me make a demo of a few of my favorite songs. It was so fun to have her stay and listen.  She has never heard me or my songs so that was so fun for me.  Thanks Ashley! I love you!

I took a picture of Danny yesterday and asked him if I could put it on my blog. He said yes

He is a musical genius.  The best thing about him is that he doesn't know he is such a smarty pants so he is so fun to be around and easy to work with.  At some point I'll tell you more about Danny.  That will be fun.

OK, the end