Open mike...........round 2.........plus, a tangent on body image

This is Russ. He used to teach a music curriculum for elementary schools. He's also a retired pastor.  He plays the banjo. I love the banjo. My favorite song of his was one he wrote.  It was about when he was a boy living in Virginia.

Russ said I remind him of Janis Joplin.  Yep, that's what he said. Me..........nervous, sweaty, Mormon mommy of 5 reminds him of Janis Joplin.  Awesome! I'll take it!

I had to watch some Janis Joplin on you tube last night.  I'm not that familiar with Janis. I sure as heck hope I don't sound like Janis. I do like her passion and intensity on stage. I'm hoping that was the similarity that Russ saw  when he compared me to Janis Joplin.

I sang 4 songs Friday night.
1. No Wonder.    It's a love song I wrote for Nate. I really like it. I like it more than Nate likes it I'm sure. Honey, you know I'm right.

2. That's Not Me.........or maybe I should call it Woman Heart..............can't decide.  This is my Janis Joplin-esqe song.  I'm kind of ticked off in this song.  It's about the media and all the crap it feeds women. I'm just mad. I'm mad because I have 4 daughters that are already absorbing lies that the media tries to sell. I'm mad because I have absorbed lies the media sells. I'm mad because sometimes I waste time and energy being sad that my body isn't the exact shape I want it to be. I want this bigger and this smaller and this younger and this not deflated and this not stretched to oblivion! I'm mad because I've actually seriously considered getting plastic surgery. I haven't gone in for a consult or anything but I have talked to friends who've had work done............googled it..................thought about the cost and the pro's and con's.  Let's just say I have spent some serious time studying this out in my mind. My husband would let me do anything I wanted. He doesn't want me to get "work done" but he sure wouldn't stop me if I insisted. He makes enough money I could rationalize that we can afford it. I know God wouldn't stop me. God has never interfered with the choices I've made, even if they are not the best thing for me. So what's stopping me?  My Grandma Samsel for starters.

She died when I was 23 but I have felt her around at all the important  or challenging times in my life.  The first year of my twins life I felt her every day. She was like my coach and support. One day I was having a conversation in my head and and saying to myself......"That's it! I'm doing it!  I'm going to get this done and I'm going to get that done.  I want to reconstruct what once was mine.....................that's all.................... It's reconstructive surgery. I've sacrificed my body and had 5 babies!!! I deserve this!!! I have carried them and birthed them and nursed them. I owe it to myself! I'm gonna be so hot. My hotness powers will be off the charts.   Watch out Nate, you won't be able to restrain yourself!  That's when I heard my Grandma Samsel say.  "Don't you dare"........... Oh c'mon!
She just totally burst my bubble. I was on a roll and she ruined my fun.

Before I started writing songs, or being so open in this blog, I could feel this simmering in me. All this frustration with the media and how convincing it is. I have lots of very beautiful friends. Beautiful inside and out. I have seen some of my very beautiful friends be deceived into thinking that because they are 5 "3 and curvy that they aren't as beautiful as they wish they were. I have seen some of my very gorgeous friends truly believe that they are going to have to get a tummy tuck or nose job or "boop" job (did you see cjane's vlog last Friday? Hilarious!!!!)    They truly believe they don't have another choice, they are just going to have to go in for major surgery. I knew I had to do something!!! Write a book. Give a speech. Do something!!!

I'll tell you what I wish.....................I wish that when I told my girls that beauty comes from within, I really meant it.  No, like REALLY meant it.  Like I really accepted my body every day. Like I really am OK with getting older because I know it doesn't matter if I have wrinkles or my neck starts to sag because that's not even me! The Real me is eternal and will never get old and die. The real me has lived for who knows how many eons before this life. The real me knows my value is so much greater than the size of my waist or the age of my body. The real me knows that the resurrection is a real thing that will be given to EVERYONE. We'll all be walking around looking as gorgeous and perfect as we want to be..................Forever!


 So what it comes down to for me is a choice between 2 people.

The physical me or the spiritual me.  Who am I really? Who do I really want to be? What part of myself do I want to nurture?

Do I want to nurture the part of myself that obsess over my hair and clothes?  The part of me that is so unhappy with how my skin is loosing it's tone?  Should I nurture the part of me that thinks I should just do what I want because I want it and that's reason enough?  What's the big deal?  So I want to look better. I shouldn't have to spend the rest of my life with these battle scars from my child bearing years!

But what if I could nurture that part of myself that knows my worth and my happiness has nothing to do with my age or my beauty or lack there of?  What if I could nurture that part of myself that really knows that there might be something a  whole lot better than perfect proportions?  What if I could teach my daughters by my example that beauty does come from within?  What if I could be happy with myself  at age 40, 50, 60. What if I could do that?! Wouldn't that be the best!?

I can't do both. I can't get some work done and then get down to the work of accepting myself at any age and all that. Nope. It's one or the other.

Oh wow.  As you can see I have a lot to say on the subject. I'm not near done. Not near.

OK well this is getting long. I'll finish the open mic story later. I didn't really plan on going off like that today. Let me know what you think...........I like comments.


P.S.
These are my decisions and opinions for my life.  I hold no moral judgement for anyone that wants to do what they want to look and feel beautiful.  It's all between me, myself and God............... and my Grandma Samsel.  You gotta do what you gotta do and I gotta do what I gotta do.  I'll bring you dinner and flowers after your surgery if that's what you choose. I'll probably give you a loving lecture on your inner and outer beauty and eternal worth before you have surgery..............  but I can't help that.