LASIK, open Mike, and depression

I got LASIK Wednesday so I haven't been able to blog. I can see really well and everything but my eyes feel tired and achy and staring at the computer makes it worse. I'm finally continuing my open mic story.

This is how I have to sleep at night.  I can't rub my eyes or it could mess things up.........hence, the eye shield. I also clench my teeth at night. I started doing this last year.....ever since the whole, trying to learn how to sing in front of people debacle............hence, the mouth guard.


Honey, do I turn you on?......................Be honest.




Continuing on from my last post...........................

The other two songs I sang were

3. It Won't Be Long  I wrote the first verse of this song one night when Nate was out of town and the kids were asleep.  It spooked me out.  I didn't finish the song till about a month later.  The second verse is happy and fun so I shouldn't have been such a baby. When Nate heard it for the first time he said it was SCARY.  He is a tender boy.  We got  new electric tooth brushes for Christmas.  The day after we got them he was using his old fashioned brush by hand tooth brush. I asked him "why aren't you using your new electric tooth brush?"  he said  "It's scary"

4. The last song I sang is called Possible It's a happy happy song. I like to end on a happy note.  I wrote this song when I was in a very positive mood. I had just watched Oprah's 25th season premiere show. You know the one where the whole audience gets to take a dream trip to Australia and the big plane comes on stage and then the 6 best friends think they are driving to the hotel but they are really driving on the the set of Oprah's live show!!! I was laughing and loving that whole show. It really did make me feel like anything is possible. Sometimes I feel that very strongly, but other times I get bogged down with reality............or what I perceive to be reality............Anyway, this particular Oprah put my mind and heart in a state where all things are possible with God.  Since I really feel God backing me up on this whole music venture, I really do feel like all, I mean ALL things are possible. 

This is James Crowley.  He is the master mind and muscle behind the open mic night. He had a garage sale with his church members and bought all the equipment.  He  gets there early and sets all the equipment up. Stays after and cleans it up.  He's advertised it and gone to a lot of work. Thanks Jim!  I really enjoy his songs. He writes a lot of his own stuff and plays the guitar and sings so well. Plus, he gave me the very best compliment................Oh my, it is so great I don't even know if I dare type it. Will you think I'm a bragger?  Am I a bragger?  I might be a bragger.  Forgive me! He told me that I remind him of ............are you ready?..............Lori Mckenna.  If you don't know who Lori Mckenna is then you are missing out. She is my hero, mentor, idol, imaginary friend. I have had many conversations with her. (in my head)  If I ever get to meet her I will have to get her all caught up on all the conversations I've had with her in my head already. I have all her Cd's and know all the words to all her songs and sing them with gusto, while I clean my kitchen.  Jim told me my songs and style are similar to her.  He couldn't have made me more happy.  Thank you Jim!

I have a good story about the first time I ever heard/saw Lori Mckenna.  It was when I was about 30 years old.  I had 3 kids at the time. After I had my third baby I was feeling very depressed and overwhelmed. I felt like I was living my dream life, the one I'd always wanted, BUT there was one big problem.  I was not the mother and wife I had dreamed I would be. I had the husband of my dreams and yet I would take him for granted. I didn't realize just how blessed I was to have such a kind hard working man. I treated him more like a team mate in the parenting game. I was the boss and he was my assistant.  I had the house and the healthy beautiful children I had always dreamt of. They were just so much dang work! One was starting school and stressing me out with school meetings and homework. But she was also such an easy going child that I always feared I was neglecting her.  The other one was pushing all my buttons, all the time, and I was loosing my temper, which in turn would depress me and put me into guilt trip mode. The third was my perfect baby. Perfect yes, but also a baby that took up so much of my time and energy and milk. About 6 weeks after my baby was born I was given some very hard news. Not about me or my children but about a loved one of mine that I am very close to.  It was very hard for me, I was grieving and it pushed me down into a depression that lasted several months. I pulled away from God and honestly felt mad at God. I felt so sad. The further away from God I got, the sadder I felt. Being so depressed for my loved one and feeling like God had been unfair in the whole situation pushed me into feeling sad about myself.  I need God's love and his reassurance so badly and I was too confused to even try to draw close to Him.  Because I was starving myself of God's love, I stared to feel very down about myself.   I felt like I was the most mediocre, under achieving, below average mother and human being there ever was.  I had such a blessed life and yet I was depressed and felt so guilty that I was sad amidst all of my blessings.  Motherhood was 10 times harder than I thought and I was 10 times less than I thought.  I thought I'd have 8 kids. 4 girls and 4 boys. I'd be as patient and kind as Michelle Duggar.  Instead I was left wondering had I ever, in my life, ever, been good at anything?  Was I always going to be so below average?  Was I always going to be a flunkie?  I had always hoped  motherhood was where I'd excel.  It was always my dream to fall in love, good and hard and then have as many babies as I could possibly handle. I really believed and still believe that there was nothing more important that I could do with my life than to be a mother.

Well, as usual I'm going on and on and taking a detour from my story...........not really taking a detour, just giving lots of details.  I'll continue tomorrow.

By the way.  Next Friday, March 18th at 7:30 pm at the Bountiful Community Church of Christ. I will be singing at another open mic. I'm finally ready to reveal the secret location of these open mics. It is on 400 east 100 north in Bountiful.  If you want to come, you are more than welcome. I think it costs a few bucks to come and listen. I'll have to ask Jim about that.