11/11 at 11:11

{I had to document this moment. The 11th month, the 11th day, the 11th hour, the 11th minute}

I've been getting myself untangled from a mental trap.

I've been working on untangling myself for a couple of months now.

It's a trap that has kept me from being creative or doing things that I love. 

I think it is a universal law that if you don't create or do what you love you will get sick. I thing it is a universal law that if you don't let yourself pursue what you are passionate about you will get depressed and you won't be living the life you were meant to live. 

I know this because I've done this to myself. I've held back. I've avoided taking action for fear of failing or looking dumb or weird. 

I think it's time to be done with that way of living.

It isn't healthy. 

I like healthy.

I spend lots of time energy and money on getting myself healthier.

I've been feeling way better these day. I think I'm untangled. 

I feel free and happy most of the time. 

I think its all the good stuff I've been eating but even more than that I think it's all the good stuff I've been thinking and feeling and reading.

I think it's all the drama and negative stuff I haven't been letting my self think. 

 {the mountains across the valley. I live in a beautiful place}

I took a hike yesterday and saw an old truck I've never noticed before. It's crazy I haven't noticed it because I've walked this path for years. This summer it's been covered up with grass and shrubs.  Fall has made everything die back and exposed it. Something about the light yesterday must have made the colors pop out at me. 

I hiked down to it to get a closer look at this truck that seemed to appear from nowhere. 

It's obviously been here a while. Proof being the big bush growing from it. 

I love the colors of this old truck. I love the shrub growing up out of where the old engine is.

I don't want to be like this old truck. 

Stuck. Motionless. A shrub growing where it's engine used to rev and hum.

I've known people who are stuck. Weeds in their engine. I think sometimes I've been that stuck person.

It feels like I need to rev up my engine and get moving before the weeds swallow me up. 

I've been believing more and more that it is safe to make mistakes. It's safe to be imperfect. It's safe to try things and be a little messy at it. It's OK. Everything is going to be OK and you don't know what the future holds. 

There is something liberating in that. 

Life has thrown me some surprising twists the past few months. 

I've liked it for the most part.  It is somehow freeing knowing I don't know much. I like knowing that I can just do the best I can with the limited insight I have and leave the rest to God.

"Let go and let God"

That might be a cliche but it still feels like a relief to me.  

I'm trusting that all the trouble in the world and in my own community will work out. 

I'm having faith that all things will work together for our universal good. 

God can make good come from the "bad" stuff.

 In the end it's all good. 

A blog post I forgot to write

 Today is November 11.

 The 11th day of the 11th month. 

It's my Uncle Gary's birthday today. Happy birthday Uncle Gary. I love you. 

He died before I was born but is still a loving force in my life. 

It's also Veterans Day. Today is a significant day. 

Today there are no blossoms on the trees, they are shedding their leaves. But I forgot to tell a story that is precious to me. 

I'll tell it now and bring the blossoms back. I'll take you to that day in March when I was the singer on the stage and you were the face in the crowd smiling back at me receiving the music lovingly.  

The magic and misery of this my musical journey is teaching me. 

Just keep going, create and try because not creating will drain the life from you.

Sing and speak. 

Shine your light. 

It turns life into a dance instead of a fight.  

 March 28th, 2015. My son's 11th birthday and my brother's birthday too. 

March 28th of 2015 I did a show at my dear friend's Studio. Ryan and Emily Miller and their brothers have created a magical musical haven and I was lucky enough to have their support in putting on a show there. 

There is Bridget playing the Cello. I love you Bridget. Ryan on the guitar and vocals and all the techie stuff like the lights and projector and fog machine and loop pedal. 

The man can multi task!
Then Emily on the violin and vocals. I know we've been friends forever even though we've only been friends for a few earth years. 

Ryan had a picture for every song. I even got to use the sweet picture I have of Gwenyth asleep on me. I took it right after I wrote Reprimand and added that line "sleep on me so I can hear you breath" because of this moment.

I love looking at this picture and picking out the faces of friends and family that I love. 

I sang and spoke for about an hour and a half. It was very satisfying and exciting and felt so good. I wasn't sure if I could really do it. 

The fear and nausea and worry were quickly gone as soon as I sang the first song. 

I sang Threadbare first. The picture if of me singing the first song. I'm glad cameras can't capture  nervous energy on film. 

I sang Possible.

I love that song. I loved writing that song. It was so satisfying to have Ryan create a guitar part that it deserved. 

We hadn't ever done that song together. A couple of years before, Bridget and I performed that song at the Bountiful Summerfest. I loved it then too but I'm not the guitarist that Ryan is. He has a gift. I can't wait to record that song for real! I don't know when that will be. 

I also sang one of my favorite Cold Play songs. 

Fix You.

It was fun to sing that awesome song even though I wondered if I was cool enough to sing a Cold Play song. I decided that I could sing it with heart and soul so that is enough for me. Ryan harmonizes with me and I love the way we sound. 

I sang lots of other songs from my CD and some extra ones that aren't on my CD, like Nearer My God to Thee. 

Something really cool happens when I sing and really relax and speak and be myself on stage. I feel more and more connected to heaven. I feel the truth intensely. This time the truth that came through was that this life is a very valuable educational experience. This life is school. We all get to take certain classes and try on certain roles and certain jobs and its valuable but it is just school.  It isn't the full reality.  It isn't the full eternal picture. It istn' the full truth. We need to be a mostly blind and deaf to the eternities to really get the full benefit of this earth school. This is a an idea that I already knew but when I am singing from my heart I can feel and understand things I already know but in ways that I didn't already know. Does that make sense?

By the end of the show I felt this odd feeling. It felt as if many in the audience had previously agreed to be there for me and that I had previously agreed to be a voice for all of us. To speak up and sing of things we feel and think and want to rejoice about.  It felt like they had previously agreed to help give me courage and faith in my myself and my journey. It felt surreal and like we were all playing out a scene that we had agreed to in some pre-earth life meeting. It was a strange sensation.

That night was deja vu on steroids. 

I got my Cd's all printed and made up in time for the show. 

I even sold some! We sold tickets to our show to help raise funds to support Ryan's studio. 

We split the ticket earnings. Earning money from singing songs that I've written and performed was an awesome feeling. I didn't want to spend it, I just wanted to keep it in a special bag in my special desk and know that it was there. 

I did eventually spend it, but only on special things. 

That screen shot it of a painting that I love. It's by Brian Kershisnik. That's me in the blue. It's you too. We are so loved and heaven is there to help us. 

That night I got a wonderful surprise. 

Ryan and Emily bought me a large framed version of this painting. I felt so undeserving. Isn't that funny how it is hard to receive gifts sometimes? 

This painting goes perfectly with my song Threadbare. You can hear it on iTunes . 

Now it hangs above my grandmother's desk where I love to sit at and write. 

I've needed to look back on March 28th. I haven't been recording or writing or performing for what feels like too long. Only by doing and taking action can I really get better and grow. I want to grow, even if it does scare me and hurt a little. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Back to the present day. 

It's November and November is beautiful too. 

{Thanks for listening}