perfect in all our imperfections

Plastering myself all over the internet has given me a few melt downs.

 I could have done this last summer and fall but I held off, hoping somebody else would do it for me and then I could blame them if it ruined my life. 

 Doing it myself feels like I'm the one who has to take responsibility for my own life and I have to get firmer in my own opinion of myself. 

 I've been thinking about how a person isn't very useful if they are always criticizing themselves.

 I'm wanting to just accept and love myself for who I am now and not someday when I get a hold of my temper, get my closets organized, my house decorated,  and learn how to play the guitar for real, then..........maybe............. I'll be good enough for my own self approval.

My daughter Gwenyth is 5. She will start kindergarten in the fall. She loves to write her name.

 I've shown her how but I guess her name is long for a 5 year old and she has ended up spelling it 10 different ways. She seems to write it out differently every time. I'm  delighted by all the different names she writes out.

Will you please forgive me for posting these pictures sideways. I can't figure out how to rotate them. I'm going to forgive myself for my lack of computer skill and try to find it endearing instead of embarrassing ;)   

 Isn't that the point I'm trying to make anyway?

"Gwemfy"      "Gwefy"

"Gwemoy"

"Gwefmthy"

"Gwefthy"

"Gwefoy"

 I haven't wanted to correct her because it is so funny and darling and I know soon enough she will write it perfectly and her days of calling herself Gwemfy will be over. 

I know she is growing and learning fast enough and she is perfect in her development right now. She is 5, Her handwriting is perfect and wonderful. I love her lisp.

 Sometimes I'll try to repeat words the way she says them so I can remember how perfectly endearing her lisp is. I can't re-create the sounds. She has heard me repeat her before and then she is suddenly aware that she said it differently than me, and tries to correct herself.

 I make sure not to correct her and if the other kids do I tell them to stop it. 

She'll figure it out too soon just like they did, and gone will be the lisp. Being a mother has taught me a lot about God's love for me. 

 My feelings of delight in her, just as she is right now, is exactly how God feels about us.

 I know he loves us perfectly right now in all our "imperfections". 

I know he see's us growing and learning and doesn't feel the impatience we feel towards ourselves when we make the same mistake again and again. 

He is delighted in who we are right now. He loves us in all our immaturitity the same way I love Gwenyth's handwriting, creative spelling and lisp.

She'll learn. There is no rush or need to feel discouraged. 

This is what He whispers to me. 

"You are learning, you are growing, you are perfect in all your imperfections"

Transformation is bloody. That's what my yoga instructor said last night at class. She asked us if we ever saw a crysaluss after a butterfly comes out. It's bloody. So is a chick's egg as it hatches. It's messy. I liked the comparrison. I feel like we all go through transformations. It's hard, painful and messy.

It's been hard for me. 

When I have hot flashes I've been pretending that I'm morphing into a new creature. 

One with confidence and power. Every hot flash I have, I picute that scene from spiderman when the radioactive spider bites him and it shows the poison flowing through his blood stream and changing him at a cellular level. 

All kidding aside, I do feel like we all have to change at a cellular level if we want to grow and be better humans. 

 I have had this post sitting forever waiting to be published. I've been to anxious and overwhelmed to post it. I need to though, so I can move on and write about other fun things in my life. 

If you want to hear the 5 songs I have recorded they are on reverbnation.com/kristencarol 

I'm excited to record some more this summer. 

See you soon I hope.