Foundation

How firm a foundation.

That's the title of the song I'm recording.

I didn't write it but I mean every word of it.

Meaning every word of what I am singing feels ultra fantastic.

It feels meaningful and purposeful and powerful.

That's a feeling I search for in my life. 

Maybe that's why cooking dinner for children who think it is gross is such an unpleasant experience for me?

For a few years now I have been dreaming of recording some of my favorite hymns.

Record them and try to express them in the way that they make me feel.

I try to play them on my guitar. The slow ones I can stumble my way through. 

The  ones I want to pick up the tempo on, I clunk and flunk my way through. 

But don't despair! 

Ryan will save the day with his exquisite guitar playing talent. 

It is so satisfying to sing while he plays.

Here we are rehearsing.

We are all done recording it. It is a song with 7 verses. I recorded the 4 verses I thought concisely expressed the comfort and power of the song. 

I'm excited to hear the finished product, but to be honest, I'm more excited to start working on the next song.

It's the process, not so much the product that I find so rewarding, although I love having a finished product too.

I look forward to the day when I can work on music more often, but for now, I have a lot to try to balance and music is something I have just a little bit of time and money for. I'm grateful I can do things as I have time and opportunity.  I'm grateful music is a joy for my and not a job that throws my life with my kids off balance.

Besides singing in church I don't get out much to perform.

I did sing one of my songs at a house concert in March. 

Thanks Natalie!!!

It was fun, but one song felt like a little tiny snack when I'm starved.

Here I am with Peter Breinholt and Nancy Hansen at the house concert.

I sang Silver Compass with Ryan and it went well. I think.

Nate recorded it on my iPhone and when I watched it later I thought "I looked like that?! I sounded like that?!" So either it was a bad recording or I'm not near as good as I think I am. My outfit sure wasn't as cute as I thought it was. Oh well. People were nice and said nice things and I felt good about it. (until I saw the video) ;)

I love singing in church and it is a privilege I am grateful for.

I was asked to sing at a missionary farewell of some twins sisters that I taught in my young women's class when they were 16-18. 

I enjoyed singing in my high "church voice" for several hundred people. 

People's kind words to me after are a comfort, but I have realized that it's my own opinion I value the most. 

If I feel like I did well, then that is good enough for me. 

I felt like I sang with love.

I'm making an effort to speak well of myself because earlier this week I was talking in my head so mean without even realizing it. Until it was too late and I had to deal with the consequences of my brutal self talk. 

I'm looking into some other places I might perform at this summer. 

Hopefully some things will work out and Ryan and Bridget will have time to perform with me. 

We shall see.

I still feel this weird resistance inside myself.

Like... "Do I really have to do this?"

"Why am I doing this?"

"Whose idea was this?"

"Someone else besides me should do this"

Whatever the reasons, and whatever the outcome,

 I do know doing this.....pursuing music in a real way, kills the fear in me. 

Not just fear to sing or perform or open up but fear in so many forms.

 Fear that affects my life and soul in so many negative ways. Fear that even affects my relationships with my children and my husband. And worse, affects my relationship with God. Jesus so often says "Fear not". 

 Fear blocks me from God's love and blinds me to who I really am.  

So that could be reason enough for doing all of this!

The more fear I let go of the more love and peace I am able to feel. 

Who doesn't want more love and peace?

how things really are

Sometimes I'm not that grounded. 

Sometimes I'm floaty off in space, not sure of who or where I am.

 I forget things. I don't want to engage in my real life. 

I drift of to some place in my mind.
 It can be quite nice......

 but it can also cause me to have an apathetic attitude about my life and feel disappointed with reality. 

The funny thing is, that over all, my reality is nothing to be disappointed about. 

I was praying about this the other day.

 How can I be more grounded and less up in the clouds? 

The answer came to me to write about how things really are. 

So I do.

 In my journal, in my songs, and tonight, in my blog.

My fruit trees are blossoming. That makes me happy.
I kept up with the laundry today. Every time I came or went I was switching out loads and quickly hanging up and folding a basket of clothes. 

I went to a funeral today, of a wonderful woman in our neighborhood. She has lived a long and rich life. I felt so so happy for her. She lived an honorable life, and now she has returned home!

 I felt like I wanted to try harder to live a good, and even a great life.

 So that when I die, it will be a joyful, peaceful occurrence. 

I stopped myself from feeling guilty and critical of myself as a mother today. 

That is like dodging a bullet. 

I'm glad I was able to dodge the guilt and comparison bullet. 

You know......"compared to so and so I am such a mediocre  mom" 

My twins got to go on a field trip all day to the zoo. Sarah asked if I was one of the moms coming with. I said no. She got all pouty and asked 

"Why don't you ever come to school with us?"

 For a minute I felt bad that I didn't volunteer more, I even considered changing out of my pajamas and throwing my hair in a pony tail and seeing if there was room on the bus to the zoo.
But then I answered honestly.
"Because I like being with you at home" And that's the truth. I do volunteer  or come with them to school but I'm no weekly regular. I like taking care of, and being with them at home.
 When they go to school, I'm happy for the break!
I'm happy to be alone and I enjoy my own company. There is nothing wrong with that.
 I stopped myself from comparing myself to the moms who go every week and are the room moms and PTA presidents.
It felt good to accept myself and even approve of myself. Sarah quickly got over her pout and had a great time at the zoo. 

I haven't posted about music lately. It's not that I've dropped that passion. I have not.
 I haven't wanted to talk about it as much lately.
 I just want to enjoy it.
Enjoy writing songs. Enjoy creating them and making them better with my guitarist Ryan.
Enjoy recording them and polishing them with Kurt.
Enjoy listing to them.

The whole sharing them on Facebook  and putting them up for sale and advertising myself feels so uncomfortable.
It feels like is saps some of the joy right out of the process because then I have to wonder what other people think of a song.
 I have to wonder if anybody will even listen to it or download it.
It's just embarrassing. I'd prefer not to have to be the one trying to sell myself.
Awkward.
But, for now, I'll keep doing my best to put the songs out there.
 I'll try to get a thicker skin and not worry about what anybody thinks of me, or my songs, or my voice, or my motives, or my lyrics, or whatever.
I'll live and learn.

happy fool's day

Last night when we got home from all of our family Easter festivities I heard one of my kids say

 "Why is there a bear on the toilet?"

 I pictured in my mind a stuffed bear having fallen in the toilet, so I was about to get a plastic bag to get it out.

 "Don't flush it!"

 I walked in and saw this instead......

I was so confused.

Then I remembered Emmaline and I saw this on the fridge and didn't look at it long enough to realize it was weird.

Toilet Tattoos???

Yes.

On all four of our toilets.

"The only way to crown your throne"

I knew which friends would do something like this.

Our neighbors the Brownings.

We all got a great laugh! :D

The kids thought it was so so fun to have a prank pulled on us. 

After scriptures and prayer Emmaline got on pinterest and found all these ideas and pranks she wanted to pull on the Brownings.

The kid's imaginations went wild.

As I was helping Sarah get ready for bed her mind and mouth were jabbering out idea after idea.

"Lets sneak over and put make up on Clint while he sleeps"

"Let's put doll clothes on their cat Charlie"

"Let's write a letter from Charlie and have him sign it with his paw print"

And a about 100 other ideas.

We finally got the kids to bed. Not fully realizing little April fool's pranksters had been unleashed.

As Nate and I were watching a program on TV we heard noises downstairs and in the hall, but we ignored it because that's what you do when you're really tired and you don't care anymore if your kids sleep or stay up all night.

We got ready for bed and Nate told me I had big hair.

Big hair like Cher.

So I took a picture for posterity.

And a picture for me when I'm old and my hair isn't what it used to be.

Big Hair.

I like.

Then I opened our bedroom door to go downstairs for something and was startled and freaked out by this little army of creatures outside our door staring at me.

Look closer.

They are armed.

With my silver ware.

Funny and freaky.

This morning the twins told me they woke up "in the middle of the night" to go down and put lipstick on their big sister's faces. Instead, the big sisters and the little sisters pulled that trick on us,

 and then they all slept in the same room like best friends. 

Doesn't that make you smile?

It does me.

My kids fight.....but, the majority of the time they are so close and fun and sweet together.

Emmaline and Luke did end up pulling some pranks on the Brownings.

Kristy and Jax have a strong disdain for cotton balls.

Weird, I know.

Emmaline capitilized on this phobia and left them a little baby doll holding cotton balls! Oh No!

They also taped cotton balls to the underside of car door handles and steering wheels. 

Sorry Kristy.

Maybe this exposure to cotton balls will start to cure you of your phobia. 

I got this text & pic from Kristy this morning.

She said...

"I'm having a hard time looking at it. It's all stuck to her hands and spread out. 

I'm feeling nauseous talking about it"

This is so funny to me.

It's making me laugh :)

Hope your day is funny and all the pranks are friendly ones.