Foundation

How firm a foundation.

That's the title of the song I'm recording.

I didn't write it but I mean every word of it.

Meaning every word of what I am singing feels ultra fantastic.

It feels meaningful and purposeful and powerful.

That's a feeling I search for in my life. 

Maybe that's why cooking dinner for children who think it is gross is such an unpleasant experience for me?

For a few years now I have been dreaming of recording some of my favorite hymns.

Record them and try to express them in the way that they make me feel.

I try to play them on my guitar. The slow ones I can stumble my way through. 

The  ones I want to pick up the tempo on, I clunk and flunk my way through. 

But don't despair! 

Ryan will save the day with his exquisite guitar playing talent. 

It is so satisfying to sing while he plays.

Here we are rehearsing.

We are all done recording it. It is a song with 7 verses. I recorded the 4 verses I thought concisely expressed the comfort and power of the song. 

I'm excited to hear the finished product, but to be honest, I'm more excited to start working on the next song.

It's the process, not so much the product that I find so rewarding, although I love having a finished product too.

I look forward to the day when I can work on music more often, but for now, I have a lot to try to balance and music is something I have just a little bit of time and money for. I'm grateful I can do things as I have time and opportunity.  I'm grateful music is a joy for my and not a job that throws my life with my kids off balance.

Besides singing in church I don't get out much to perform.

I did sing one of my songs at a house concert in March. 

Thanks Natalie!!!

It was fun, but one song felt like a little tiny snack when I'm starved.

Here I am with Peter Breinholt and Nancy Hansen at the house concert.

I sang Silver Compass with Ryan and it went well. I think.

Nate recorded it on my iPhone and when I watched it later I thought "I looked like that?! I sounded like that?!" So either it was a bad recording or I'm not near as good as I think I am. My outfit sure wasn't as cute as I thought it was. Oh well. People were nice and said nice things and I felt good about it. (until I saw the video) ;)

I love singing in church and it is a privilege I am grateful for.

I was asked to sing at a missionary farewell of some twins sisters that I taught in my young women's class when they were 16-18. 

I enjoyed singing in my high "church voice" for several hundred people. 

People's kind words to me after are a comfort, but I have realized that it's my own opinion I value the most. 

If I feel like I did well, then that is good enough for me. 

I felt like I sang with love.

I'm making an effort to speak well of myself because earlier this week I was talking in my head so mean without even realizing it. Until it was too late and I had to deal with the consequences of my brutal self talk. 

I'm looking into some other places I might perform at this summer. 

Hopefully some things will work out and Ryan and Bridget will have time to perform with me. 

We shall see.

I still feel this weird resistance inside myself.

Like... "Do I really have to do this?"

"Why am I doing this?"

"Whose idea was this?"

"Someone else besides me should do this"

Whatever the reasons, and whatever the outcome,

 I do know doing this.....pursuing music in a real way, kills the fear in me. 

Not just fear to sing or perform or open up but fear in so many forms.

 Fear that affects my life and soul in so many negative ways. Fear that even affects my relationships with my children and my husband. And worse, affects my relationship with God. Jesus so often says "Fear not". 

 Fear blocks me from God's love and blinds me to who I really am.  

So that could be reason enough for doing all of this!

The more fear I let go of the more love and peace I am able to feel. 

Who doesn't want more love and peace?