human development

I graduated from college with a degree in Human Development.

Humans.
They fascinate me.
Since I'm the human I'm with all the time, I fascinate myself.
Why do I feel all these intense emotions?
Why do I think these many tangled up thoughts?
Why do I do what I do?
Before becoming human I can imagine myself hurling through space towards earth as a big vaporous, electric soul.  I'm sure I was so excited to have a human experience.
 I'm sure I had been studying humans for eons and I couldn't wait to be one and have my own human experience.
As a child I remember observing my older sister and taking notes of what to do and what not to do. Observing, watching and eavesdropping on adults was also a favorite pass time.
My parent used to call me flappy ears because I was always trying to listen to their quiet adult conversations.
By the time I went to college I was still interested in people.
At the timeI was interested in human development so I could be a better mother.
I was hoping it would help me figure out how to raise humans.
I was most interested in early childhood development.
These days  I'm most interested in how middle aged, hormonally imbalanced, human women develop.
I'm  finding it to be very interesting.
Very confusing.

 Observing my own life and development is teaching me more than any college degree.
A recent observation has been that I used to think I'd hate working out at a gym where I would have to be seen by other people. What sounded especially awful was taking the yoga or Pilates classes with a room full of people who might look at me as I struggle to do it right.
It has turned out to be the opposite.
The classes are my favorite. I love being in a room full of people who are focused on the same thing.
It amplifies my own focus. I feed off everyone else's determination. It makes me push myself way harder than I ever would alone.
I'm sure many of you know this already but it has been a happy discovery for me.

I wonder what else I think I hate but really I love?

I used to think I'd hate singing solo's. Especially the thought of standing alone in front of a microphone. That thought 2 years ago made me sick with anxiety.
Now the opposite is true.
Hearing my own voice amplified gives me a rush........
I can't believe I just typed that. I sound  self centered and power hungry. Maybe I am. I am the human I'm studying and observing so that makes me self centered and I do have a desire to have a voice that can be heard in this big world.

I've bought all kinds of guitar accessories. I hope I have some place to use them.  I bought  an  amp, michropone, mic stand, guitar stand, soft guitar case that can be worn like a back pack. Had my guitar fitted so it can be plugged into an amp.  My little musical passion is getting expensive.

I had a fun opportunity to sing for our  youth group at church.
 I sang Jesus Savior Pilot me.
The young men's youth leader is also a pilot for Delta Airlines.
He took the kids 4 at time up in a little plane over their house and over the temple.
The theme was UP. Look up, live up, Arise and shine up.
The air plane ride was a physical experience of gaining a higher perspective that was meant to teach them to get a higher perspective spiritually of themselves and of their own lives.
A higher perspective can help us all make better, truer judgments about ourselves and our decisions about our life.

My other most recent opportunity to sing was for a family home evening with several of the families in my neighborhood.
 My friend asked me to come sing for her family home evening. I thought it would be her family of 3 and her foreign exchange student from Japan.
We get there 30 min late and  there is a room full of people she had invited.
To be honest I was happy there was a room full of people to sing to (although I felt bad for being late) When I sing for a bigger group verses a couple of people it amplifies my focus. I play better, I sing better, I remember the words better.
I sang the one song I had sung for the youth and then they wanted more.
 I was un prepared and I've forgotten most of my songs. Isn't that sad?
 After I've gone through the process of writing a song they have served their purpose for me and I really don't want to sing them over and over.
Well I wish I would have had a few practiced up and fresh in my mind.
 I sang a few and really enjoyed the night.
 I've been practicing so I'll be ready for the next surprise attack ;)

If this post seems long and discombobulated it's because it is.
I have had it partially done for days and days and haven't had time to finish my thoughts and publish them.
I have lots more I want to tell you.
I had soooooooo much fun last Friday.
This Friday I'm going to have sooooooo much fun again.
I'll take pictures and post about it! For real, I will.
Have a great day. Hope you haven't given up on me and my sporadic blog and random ramblings.

blood brothers

I love Ingrid Michealson.  

I wanted to take Emmaline to go see her in concert but the tickets were 95$ each. 

It seemed like too much for one fun night for me and and Emmaline.

 I hope I can see her live one of these days. 

I saw this video yesterday and now the song is cycling and recycling through my head.

It's called Blood Brothers and I think every word is true.

After watching these videos I love Ingrid even more.

I think these kids express perfectly what music can do for all of us. 

I totally get what they are saying. 

That little girl made me cry.

Now go sing your heart out and see what it does for you :)

my first baby

Today my first baby is 13. 

She was one of those perfect babies that rarely cried. 

I love to think of the day I gave birth to her. 

The word to describe the way her little soul felt to me in those first moments would be peaceful.

She just seemed to be a peaceful soul.

She still is.

I love to think of those first few days, weeks and months. My dreams of becoming a mother finally being realized.
Having her exceeded all my expectations. I know I'm sounding idealistic but honestly having one baby that hardly cried was easy and ideal.
 I didn't have anything to do but take care of her.

She had all my attention. 

I was mesmerized by everything about her.  Her dark head of hair, and her blue eyes.

Her round face and sweet  low voice.  She was perfect. My mom would tell me she really wasn't behaving the way most newborns do. 

She loved to lay in her cradle awake and just peacefully gaze. 

She would nurse on one side and be satisfied and content.
 I remember one or two fussy evenings. 

At the moment though she is being a loud and giggly girl with her friends in the music room, making it hard to concentrate on the memories of those first dreamy days. 

I checked her out of school early so we could go to City Creek Center in Salt Lake City. Here she is today with one of her best friends Kaytlin.

 Kaytlin's mom happens to be one of my best friends so it works out nicely. The four of us had a great time today.

We went to H & M 

Emmy put this cute little outfit together. 

Isn't she darling?

I love my girl.

I hope she felt loved and special today. 

After the lunch and shopping I took her to her Doctor's appointment for her leg issues.

It's painful for her but she is being very brave. She is going here for treatment. 

Tonight she wanted to have breakfast for dinner for her birthday meal. 

We had some new friends of ours over for dinner to teach us about their countries for family home evening. 

Yomin and Miso are from Korea and Iye is from Japan. It was very fun to hear about their life. They brought their computers and gave these charming presentations about their country.

It's been a unique birthday for her and I hope she'll remember it. 

perfect in all our imperfections

Plastering myself all over the internet has given me a few melt downs.

 I could have done this last summer and fall but I held off, hoping somebody else would do it for me and then I could blame them if it ruined my life. 

 Doing it myself feels like I'm the one who has to take responsibility for my own life and I have to get firmer in my own opinion of myself. 

 I've been thinking about how a person isn't very useful if they are always criticizing themselves.

 I'm wanting to just accept and love myself for who I am now and not someday when I get a hold of my temper, get my closets organized, my house decorated,  and learn how to play the guitar for real, then..........maybe............. I'll be good enough for my own self approval.

My daughter Gwenyth is 5. She will start kindergarten in the fall. She loves to write her name.

 I've shown her how but I guess her name is long for a 5 year old and she has ended up spelling it 10 different ways. She seems to write it out differently every time. I'm  delighted by all the different names she writes out.

Will you please forgive me for posting these pictures sideways. I can't figure out how to rotate them. I'm going to forgive myself for my lack of computer skill and try to find it endearing instead of embarrassing ;)   

 Isn't that the point I'm trying to make anyway?

"Gwemfy"      "Gwefy"

"Gwemoy"

"Gwefmthy"

"Gwefthy"

"Gwefoy"

 I haven't wanted to correct her because it is so funny and darling and I know soon enough she will write it perfectly and her days of calling herself Gwemfy will be over. 

I know she is growing and learning fast enough and she is perfect in her development right now. She is 5, Her handwriting is perfect and wonderful. I love her lisp.

 Sometimes I'll try to repeat words the way she says them so I can remember how perfectly endearing her lisp is. I can't re-create the sounds. She has heard me repeat her before and then she is suddenly aware that she said it differently than me, and tries to correct herself.

 I make sure not to correct her and if the other kids do I tell them to stop it. 

She'll figure it out too soon just like they did, and gone will be the lisp. Being a mother has taught me a lot about God's love for me. 

 My feelings of delight in her, just as she is right now, is exactly how God feels about us.

 I know he loves us perfectly right now in all our "imperfections". 

I know he see's us growing and learning and doesn't feel the impatience we feel towards ourselves when we make the same mistake again and again. 

He is delighted in who we are right now. He loves us in all our immaturitity the same way I love Gwenyth's handwriting, creative spelling and lisp.

She'll learn. There is no rush or need to feel discouraged. 

This is what He whispers to me. 

"You are learning, you are growing, you are perfect in all your imperfections"

Transformation is bloody. That's what my yoga instructor said last night at class. She asked us if we ever saw a crysaluss after a butterfly comes out. It's bloody. So is a chick's egg as it hatches. It's messy. I liked the comparrison. I feel like we all go through transformations. It's hard, painful and messy.

It's been hard for me. 

When I have hot flashes I've been pretending that I'm morphing into a new creature. 

One with confidence and power. Every hot flash I have, I picute that scene from spiderman when the radioactive spider bites him and it shows the poison flowing through his blood stream and changing him at a cellular level. 

All kidding aside, I do feel like we all have to change at a cellular level if we want to grow and be better humans. 

 I have had this post sitting forever waiting to be published. I've been to anxious and overwhelmed to post it. I need to though, so I can move on and write about other fun things in my life. 

If you want to hear the 5 songs I have recorded they are on reverbnation.com/kristencarol 

I'm excited to record some more this summer. 

See you soon I hope.

Happy Mother's day

Happy Mother's day everyone
I'm being showered with oven mitts, flowers, food, books and cards. I'll take it all!

off balance

I'm off.

I have several major dilemma's I'm in the process of figuring out.  One of which is,

I took Emmaline to the pediatric orthopedist because she has been complaining of knee pain off and on for over a year. I assumed it was growing pains or an overly dramatic personality. I finally took her in because her legs and her walk look out of alignment to me and honestly a feeling from somewhere outside of myself pressed the importance of it on my mind.

The Doctor then told us he would recommend surgery. Not one but two surgeries. 

Sawing through bones and such.

Emmaline and I sat there in shock.

I am definitely going to look into non surgical options. 

 Something called Structural Integration is what we will look into next I guess? 

Nate is calm and knows things will work themselves out and we will be able to come to the best decision. I know that too....somewhere deep down, below the scared confused surface.

Also, I think I'm either going through menopause or in a clinical depression or both.

Hope I figure that one out soon.

It makes all my decisions and responsibilities hard when I'm having a hot flash or a weepy spell or I feel like cussing and punching some body's (the twins)  lights out. 

I'm in the process of working on several new websites.

Myspace page

Facebook band page

Reverbnation page

iTunes .

 In 6 to 8 weeks 5 of my songs will be for sale on iTunes and 40 other online retailers where music is sold.

My friends Kurt and Melissa who have a recording studio in their home helped me set all these websites up. 

I am so grateful for their help. I couldn't have done it without them.

As we were setting up all the accounts I was feeling happy and calm and like "yep. Now is the time. Get it done" type of feeling.

Since then I've been feeling like, what would be worse?.....to get very little response or traffic to my sites or to get lots of traffic and response?  At this point either way unnerves me and sounds bad.  

I think I'm doing the best I can dealing with my heart pulling me in a direction I never planned on going.......... or did I? 

 I've always have had desires to figure out what I love. 

What am I good at? 

What could I do that would be useful to other people? 

 I've always admired my Aunt who knew she wanted to study medicine and became a Doctor in her 20's. I've always admired my best friend Natalie who knew she loved art and was working as a graphic artist when we weren't even out of high school. 

I've always wanted to know what I would love doing. What would feel fun and natural.? What the heck am I good at?

I think all those strong desires and questions have led me to this spot I'm now standing in. 

I'm just surprised and scared at times to follow the path I feel beckoning me. 

 I read a quote from Oprah. She said you only need enough courage to follow your own heart. I'm finding that to be true. My heart comes up with daring ideas and then I'm left with a dilemma of how to follow it's bold, pushy, thumping beats in my chest.

It always comes down to the same thing.

What am I going to choose?

Faith or Fear?

Fear's arguments are pretty convincing.  What am I doing creating all these websites when I barely have time to blog? What am I doing putting myself out there? I have a lovely life, what if it all gets turned on it's head? This is so embarrassing. Putting myself out there like I'm really some kind of singer. What if nobody buys my songs? I'll feel so dumb. What if  nobody ever looks at my websites? How pitiful I will feel.  It's not like very many people even look at the one website I have. What if this puts my family in danger? What if I can't get better at being a musician?

 And always my old stand by.......What if I'm crazy?

Do you ask yourself that? 

You know when you are watching a movie and suddenly a line out of the movie will jump out at you and it feels like some kind of divine text message?

Or when you are alone and a love surrounds you, and you know you are not alone even though you've seen no one. 

Or when thoughts and ideas flow into your mind seemingly from the outside in?

Faith or Doubt?

Believe, or chalk it up to wishful thinking?

Divine vision, or wild imagination?

Am I crazy?

I'll feel better soon I'm sure. It goes in a circle. Most of the details in life seem to work themselves out.

  I need to go repeat some positive affirmations in front of the mirror and I'm sure I'll be fine. ;)

I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful.

 I can really relate with Bob Wiley.