conversations in my head

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was really tired and went to bed early but then Nate needed to talk about some stuff that is stressing him out. He usually doesn't get stressed out so I was glad I could talk things through with him. He then proceeded to fall asleep in less than 2 minutes. He has a real knack for falling asleep fast. I laid there really tired but now my brain was all revved up from our talk.....................my brain is a very interesting place to be at times. I think it's because I talk to myself and I talk to anyone else I feel like talking to. I have great conversations in my head with all kinds of interesting people.  If I'm mad at someone, I tell them off really thoroughly in my head.  If I feel like someone misunderstands me, I explain myself so well.  I do it more now than ever. Ever since I started writing songs it has made it worse..............or better, depending on how I look at it.  This is nothing new for me. I have had detailed conversations in my head since I was little.  In 4th grade I read The Diary of Anne Frank. When I finished it, it seemed only natural to have a conversation in my head with Anne and thank her for her beautiful and honest diary.  Same thing in 5th grade when I read Helen Keller. I kind of can't help it. I find myself talking to all kinds of people in my head.  Sometimes Nate will catch me talking or laughing out loud. That's embarrassing. I'm not embarrassed that I talk to myself (and others) but I don't like being caught doing it. Sometimes my twins will ask me "who are you talking to mom?"   And I tell them,  "Adam and Eve.  Mostly Eve.....  er........ I mean........... nobody, just myself.  Can I get you something honey?"  I can't be the only one that engages in this very fun activity?????  Do you talk to people in your head?  I didn't realize that this habit is very helpful when it comes to song writing.  Have you ever wished you could go back and talk to your teenage self?...........You know, give yourself a few pointers and some encouragement. I have looked at pictures of myself in my teens wearing really unflattering clothes with a bad hair do and have wished I could go back and help that skinny awkward girl.  I wrote a little song about it. It was one of the very first songs I wrote. It felt really good to write. Want to hear it?  I don't have a web cam or I'd maybe sing it for you. But maybe not. It's kind of silly and the melody is only so so. I do like the words though. It's really wordy and is more of a poem than a song. I'll type it out for you.
    

                                        Me at Sixteen


Last night I had a crazy dream
I went to lunch with myself at 16
I looked into my smooth young face and saw an awkward sort of grace
Girl! It's nice to see you, I 'm you and your me
I've got a lot on my mind and I'd like you to see
I have a short list of things we can do
To make a better me and you
Let me show you how to wear your hair and what clothes to wear
Those glasses are way too big for your face
This growing up thing is not a race

Respect your father keep listening to your mother
Be nicer to your little brothers
You'll never get anywhere comparing yourself to you sister
Just a few more things I need to say
I hope you have more attention to pay
Soon I'll wake up and you'll disappear
I'll be back to 36, just laying here

Now don't be so unsure
You've heard His voice before
You'll know what to do
I'll put my trust in you

Try harder in school and don't be so cruel
To the reflection staring back at you
I know you think your hips are wide
But you'll be glad for every inch when you've got twins inside
In a couple years you'll take the S.A.T.
That score says nothing about you and me
The only thing it probably says, you didn't study but played instead
You're going to think it's an eternity
But it's only 7 years till your 23
That's when you'll meet your blue eyed boy
Who redefines what you thought was joy!

It's easy to see the fear on your face
I've said too much like we usually do
Let's not worry, let's not cry
Our future comes a day at a time

Now don't be so unsure
You've heard His voice before
You'll know what to do
I'll put my trust in you


Do you like it?.................  I like it. Actually I think it is quite therapeutic to talk to the different parts and different ages of myself. I think we carry around these different parts of ourselves. Especially the young vulnerable awkward parts of ourselves. It has been very helpful for me to imagine in my mind my 37 year old self talking to the shy scared 5 year old self. I have the hind sight to really reassure her that everything is going to be OK.  When I started writing songs and then started singing them for other people and then started talking to my guitar teacher about making a demo, something happened inside my head. It was like my  5 year old self was standing in the back of my mind saying. "You can't do this. It's too risky and I'm soooooooooo scared!!!"  Then there was my junior high self.  "You can't really think you'll succeed? Our body is not the right shape.  Are we ever going to hit puberty?!"    Then there was my 17 year old self standing their trying to make her point  "You can't pursue music seriously.............don't you remember our score on the S.A.T.?  It's embarrassing how we bomb standardized tests!"  All these scared insecure girls were lined up in my head. I could see them and hear them and it was too much for me.

 That's when I had to let it all out.  The lucky recipient of this blow up was my sweet Nathan.  He is a pro at handling my melt downs.  He's had 13 years of practice. I cried and cried till my face was red and puffy.  I  voiced all the insecurities I've ever had. My husband patiently listened. He didn't say a word till he was sure I had it all out. Then he politely asked if he could say something.  I was done and very tired so I let him rebuttal all my (our) claims to being a complete failure and utter loser. He said "How does your S.A.T. score have anything to do with song writing and singing?"  Honey, just be yourself. That's all you can do"  He held me and hugged me as we lay there in our dark room.   He's right too.  There is so much that I don't know how to do. (like scan a picture and zoom in on it for my blog!!!! Technology!!!! Curse you!!!) There is so much I am not good at.  But the one thing I do know how to do is just be myself. Just be honest and open. I don't want some big career or be rich and famous. I love my life just the way it is. I don't want to disrupt or change it. I do love writing songs and I do love singing them. I can't be a secret singer song writer in my bathroom forever.  The point of writing songs is to share them. Come what may, success, rejection, change, whatever it brings. I know I'm being myself and doing what I love and just being honest. What else can I do?

Here I am today, still haven't showered, no make up and a big zit.  Today I have been taking care of my twins and writing this post and that is pretty much it.  I think I better go be productive. I could unpack for Nate......he he. I still haven't done that.

This is off the subject but yesterday my sister in law Ashley brought me this flower in this lovely butterfly pot. Isn't it pretty? Orange is my favorite color.  When she stopped by I was practicing with Danny my guitar teacher.  He is going to help me make a demo of a few of my favorite songs. It was so fun to have her stay and listen.  She has never heard me or my songs so that was so fun for me.  Thanks Ashley! I love you!

I took a picture of Danny yesterday and asked him if I could put it on my blog. He said yes

He is a musical genius.  The best thing about him is that he doesn't know he is such a smarty pants so he is so fun to be around and easy to work with.  At some point I'll tell you more about Danny.  That will be fun.

OK, the end