my babies are 5

 Five years ago I delivered twins. 

I have always wanted to have twins. 

The day before the twins were even conceived I knelt down by my bed and prayed for twins. 

I knew I wanted 5 kids and I felt like God agreed with me on that number....so I made a humble suggestion that he just go ahead and send both of them. 

I really wanted to skip being pregnant twice. 

I really thought I could handle it. I figured with my height and width I could carry 2 babies well.

 I have very sleepy, content babies you see so I thought it would be manageable. 

As far as mothering skills go I would say I am highly skilled in the newborn baby department. 

(If you need me to tend your newborn don't hesitate to call)

I even gave my ovaries a motivational speech. 

"2 eggs. I know you can do it. Send out 2 eggs." 

I pictured my pretty little ovaries happily releasing 2 floating cells that made up half of my baby's DNA.

I sent those prayers up to heaven with faith.

 I visualized my ovaries obediently sending out 2 eggs.

 Then I forgot about it. 

I let it go. 

I didn't think of it again. 

A few weeks went by and as I expected we were pregnant. I think I felt pregnant the first week.

I remember taking the pregnancy test and realizing my jeans were already tight and uncomfy.

My close friend noticed I was ravenous and always eating.

I honestly forgot about my twin prayers because I mean really, you can't just go asking for twins and expect to get them can you?

I gained 10 pounds the second month. I asked my doctor if I seemed extra big.

 She said no.

My husband asked me if I thought there could be more than one in there.

 I said no.

 I would most certainly know if I was carrying twins. I am very in tune with my body and if there were 2 babies in me I ought to know.

We went to visit my family in Georgia. My Grandma Helen said I looked big for 3 months and she thought it was twins.

 I said no, it's just a big fat boy like my sweet Luke. 

I honestly believed it was a big fat boy. I honestly forgot about my twin prayer because why hope for something that isn't in my control and maybe isn't the right thing for our family.  

The day of my ultra sound I was wearing maternity clothes. My other 3 pregnancies I wasn't in maternity clothes till 5 or 6 months. My sister in law was a month or more further along in her pregnancy and she came over to my house. I looked at our 2 bellies. Mine was bigger than hers and I was a month behind her. 

What the heck? 

Finally on the ultrasound table the doctor checks out the baby. 

He says. 

"Your baby is just the right size and it looks like your due date is right on." 

I say. 

"Well that's weird because I'm really big and I thought I must be further along or have a super massive boy in there."

 He says in a dry monotone unenthused voice. 

"You are extra big because it's twins." 

TWINS

The word electrified me.

 JOY went surging through every cell of my body.

 I  burst into tears of Gratitude and more JOY.

I've thought a lot about this.

This miracle. This answered prayer.

 I really believe that I didn't just get twins because I thought it would be a good idea so I asked.

 I don't think prayer is like sending up a wish and Deity is like our butler ready to answer our every whim. 

And yet,

 wanting it and asking for it remains a vital part of getting it.

It seems like we can come into alignment with what is right for our lives.

 I think we can feel what's best and even feel the future.

 I think we can feel the future just enough that we pray for it....and  like a magnet, what we want wants us too. Our deepest desires may have even been planted there in our hearts before we ever came to this earth. 

Our deepest desires can pull us and lead us and draw out our most powerful power.

 Faith. 

Our deepest desires can be trusted 

even if later, we talk ourselves out of it with our logical and realistic brains.

Those first few months I couldn't stop marveling over my 2 perfect babies. 

I couldn't stop marveling. 

All those cellular divisions happening inside of me while I was completely oblivious.

Cells dividing in perfect orchestration while I slept, watched TV, ate, played with my kids.

All those cells dividing and dividing to form a tiny intricate heart, beautiful pearl spine, complex and miraculous brain.

 Twice. 

It was all happening twice at the same rate.

Forming these 2 little girls.

And I breathed in and out, my heart pumped, my kidneys cleaned. 

Miracle. 

Twice. 

Emmaline was only 7

Nate was a counselor in the Bishopric.

How was I going to do this?

AnnaKate was 5 and in Kindergarten.

Luke was 2 and half. 

He was still in diapers.

3 kids in diapers.

Wait.

Why did I think this would be manageable?

Did I really think I could do this?

Gwenyth was baby A. 

She was the first to come with a couple pushes. She came out head first.

Sarah was the second one out. She came feet first.

My doctor taught an intern to deliver a breech baby using me and Sarah.

Even with an epidural that hurt.

It hurt Sarah too.

She didn't breath for 3 minutes and 40 seconds. 

They had the little mask and air bag pumper on her face as they pumped air into her tiny shocked lungs.

I laid there on the uncomfortable table shivering while they waited to deliver the placentas.

I could hear Gwenyth crying.

I couldn't hear Sarah.

I laid there and prayed and shivered and felt helpless.

Wait.

Why did I think I was well equipped to handle twins?

Did I really want this?

I asked those questions over and over those first few weeks.

And kept asking the first 3 years. 

It's sunk in deep now.

I know now.

I did want this.

I am capable enough. 

It has been harder than I thought it would be but still.....It is so good and so right for our family.

I wasn't the only one that wanted twins. 

 They had a choice in this too.

 That's something that they need to be reminded of daily.

I think it's sinking in for them too.

 They are getting to be closer and closer every day. 

It is a beautiful thing to watch them pretend and play. 

It is a sweet thing to watch them hug and play with each other's hair. 

I can see why they need each other. 

I can see how it teaches them and gives them courage. 

Sarah said today.

"We are still babies huh mom"

I said yes.

I love you my Gwenyth Cleo and Sarah Caroline.

I'm so happy you came together.

On the hard days let's keep reminding each other the 3 of us wanted this.