Come What May & Love It

  Monday

 The first day of summer break for the kids I new I needed a little extra something to get me through . 

I could feel the anxiety caught in my stomach like very nauseating butterflies.

 I new my kids deserved a mom that was relaxed and not so grouchy  about their normal kid behavior.

 I texted my Aunt Janeal who is basically my therapist. 

She said she could get me in at 1 for a cranio sacral massage. 

Haleluja. 

As usaual she helped me talk through some things. She talked to me about things, 

 I gratefully absorb her wisdom.

 She physicaly helps me let go of negative energy and tension and worry. 

It feels so good and makes room inside my body and mind for happy and relaxed energy instead of tense worried energy.

 I told my Husband when he got home from work how I went to see his aunt and it helps so much. 

He said "your getting dependant" 

I said "I sure am." 

Just like I'm dependant on you and journal writing and song writing and praying and scripture reading, yoga, staring at the blue sky...........etc. 

It's all one more tool in my tool box of things I have to do to keep from going crazy.

 I was talking to a friend of mine and she said she is just getting resentful that she has to do all these types of things to get through the stress of life. 

Why can't she just be happy?! 

 I don't have the answer but I know we all have to do what we have to do to keep ourselves happy and healthy.

 Tuesday 

was a crazy hectic day. 

I didn't realize how much was scheduled on one day.

 I really try to have as much nothing on my calender as possible but tuesday was a freak of nature.

 I started the day our right with my regimen of sanity keeping activities. 

(yoga, pray, read, journal, sing/shower) 

It's a good thing to because the rest of the day hit me like a tornado.

Start laundry, feed kids cereal, take Em to a party. More laundry. Tend my friends 2 little girls,  pick Em up.

Take Em and AK to voice lessons.

 Laundry. 

Take 4 little girls to park. 4 little girls get tired and hungry and fight and whine. 

Take them home. Make mac and cheese.

 Laundry. 

 Pick up Em and Kate. Feed them and have them do their chores.

 Laundry.

.  Make twins take a 30 min "nap" because they are being horrid. 

Read my favorite blogs,

 Laundry.

 Take twins to a friends to play. 

Pick up the house before the carpet cleaner comes. 

Contemplate packing up all my kids toys and most of their books and clothes and giving them away. 

Contemplate the exerceise in utility that cleaning when you have kids is.

 Contemplate how often I'd have to get my carpets cleaned for it to stay lookining clean.

 Fantasize about all wood floors and no toys. 

Think the family dentist appointments are at 2:30 but really it's at 2.

 (I knew I should have double checked!) 

Get there late so now Luke and I will have to reschedule.

 Feel crazy.

 Write about how I feel crazy in my iphone while I wait in the waiting room.

Back home.

Get icecream cones for the kids while we wait for the carpet cleaners to be done.

 Take them up to this pretty pond while we wait. 

The stream draining into the pond is raging. 

Come home. 

Admire the perfect sky and green hills.

give the dog a bath.  

Make dinner.

  Feel glad that most days are not like this!!!

Would you like to know what is happening in my little music world? 

It's a world that mostly exists in my head for now.

I have 2 more songs I feel like I want on my demo.

 I have 4 songs done. 

A part of me wants to just be done with it and send it out into the world and then hide in my room and hope nothing comes of it. 

The main part of me wants to put  2 more songs on it. I have my reasons.............. that I have written down safely in my journal. 

Then send it out into the world happily and keep smiling and singing and trying and

"come what may and love it."

Picture by LeeAnn Samsel

It kind of  looks like I know what I'm doing huh?

If only that were true. 

I have to do the last 2 songs on my demo without Danny's help. :( 

He is getting married in less than a month! 

When I work on a song with Danny I feel legit.

It's more fun and I relax. 

He is a real musician so it makes it feel like it's all going to be OK.

I on the other hand do not feel like a real musician.

It is mostly because I don't know how to play the guitar as well as I 'd like and I have very little experience performing. 

There are solutions to these 2 inadequacies..................but I feel too inadequate to do them. 

Despite my inadequacies I am going to the recording studio this weekend to get to work! 

Hah! So there! 

a pep talk to myself

 Sunday dinner at my parents today.

 At my parents house I just walk around real slow and admire the perfect order of things.

 Things are clean and organized and pretty. 

It smells so nice. 

My parents love for me and all of us in atmosphere.

 Today I couldn't stop hugging my tall strong dad. 

The for dinner we had the choice of beef stroganoff or chicken stoganoff. There was lots of fresh fruit.  My mom made cherry chocolate cake with an inch of frosting.  It was nice. I even got to have a real conversation with my sister in law Ashley. Sometimes the kids keep us from talking below a superficial level.

  It was a very nice Sunday. 

                                My mom has the grand kids over one at a time for a sleepover.

 She and my dad take them to their favorite restaurant let them play the WI or watch movies, make them their favorite breakfast and even take them to Target to buy something.

 I wish I got to have a sleepover and be spoiled like that at their house.

 When we were growing up I took our clean and orderly home for granted. 

It wasn't until I lived away and then moved back home that

 I really appreciated the home my parents created for us. 

The food they made for us.

 The things they taught us. 

When my kids fight and I  can barely stand to be around them my mind wanders to this hope........... 

that just as me and my siblings used to fight and not appreciate my parents, 

my kids will someday come to our home for dinner and love being there. 

I hope I hope I hope I hope

In the mean time though I have to live with them everyday all day!

 School is out! 

I thought I was OK with this but the past 2 days I've sunk into a depression. 

Oh dreaded days of summer, the never ending hunger and mess making capacities of my 5 kids and their 5 million friends. 

Give me strength and a courage strong to face the mess, the noise, the chaos.  

I think it's time to give myself a pep talk

Look Kristen,   

here is proof that you are a good mother. Look at you reading with all those children of yours. 

They love you I promise. I know they tell you  you are boring and mean daily but........well, I don't know what to tell you on that one.....keep trying.

See.........they love each other and look how cute they are, c'mon, you can do this :)

awe......so sweet. Don't you love your kids? 

Yes, the answer is yes you do.

Look, she fell asleep with her picture of daddy. 

At least she loves one of her parents.

You better take advantage of the 6 years you have left with Em before she graduates from high school.

 Stop being so bossy and just love her. 

I know she trashes the house with all her creativity but she is growing up fast.

 Get your sweet head out of the clouds and make a dinner menu then get the grocery shopping done. 

You can do this girl!

keeping track of the days

                                          

Saturday

  My driveway was covered in chalk drawings. My kids, my sister's kids, my brother's kids were all very busy playing at our house this weekend. It really made me smile to see all these cute butterflies, flowers, hearts, rainbows all over the driveway.

My girls are very crafty and love to cook. 

Isn't that sweet.........

it is until it's your kitchen that is trashed and your ingredients for dinner all used up.

 I try not to squelch their creativity so I leave the kitchen and tell them to clean up their mess. 

I take deep breaths and tell myself It'll be OK. 

They are having fun and getting along and being creative. 

That is more important than a clean kitchen. Right? Breath.........breath

These are the times I numb out watching Oprah.

They made little cinnamon toasts, 

apple triangles with Greek caramel yogurt and a chocolate chip on top 

and chocolates with sprinkles on top. 

It was all yummy, they sold  all this and more making 10 dollars! 

They dressed Sarah up like a monkey,

 made her dance in our yard when cars went by to attract customers.

Honestly, she is a cute little dancer and was really shaking it

Sunday

In the middle of the Sunday Mayhem I saw this bird in my back yard!
 It is a Western Tanager.
 I have never seen this type of bird in my backyard. Not even up in the mountains.
I was very delighted.
 I stared and stared. It looked so out of place among the starlings and robins.

After church we went to my parents for dinner.
They are finally both home from their world travels.

It was so good to be at my parents. We stayed till 10pm.

Monday

This made me laugh.

While Nate and I were painting Emmaline's room

 Luke got this chair stuck on his head.

 Sarah came upstairs saying Luke needed me. He never needs me anymore so I was curious. 

I was cracking up. He was a good sport and let me take pictures before we pried this baby off his head.

Funny right!?

Still funny

Tuesday

The dang ice cream truck parked its big booty in front of my house today. 

What a rip off. 

I was such a party poop and told the kids no way. 

They acted like they didn't hear me and spent their own money on Popsicle's.

 I know I'm not the only mom that gets ticked when the ice cream truck comes calling. 

Well the kids are in bed and there are only a few more days of school. 

They are all quiet except for one. Hmmmmmmmmm

Parenting is tricky. 

We are trying to calmly give clear boundaries.

Rewarding for good behavior, taking away privileges for negative behavior. 

Will this work out in the end? Oh boy. It's not looking good tonight.

I hope everything we are trying to teach them is sinking in somewhere.

If I had something yummy and chocolaty I'd be eating it.

Somewhere during this weekend Danny came over and we practiced.

He was a bit spacey because he proposed to his girlfriend a few days ago!

Glory Be!

Well that is a lot of pictures. 

blogging is a bit too technical for me at times

May 23's post has my newest song on it. I tried to get it to publish to today but it was a no go and now It's time for me to go on date with Nate. If you want to hear my newest song scroll down to May 23 and there you have it!!!


Happy Saturday

Day Dreaming

photo by Melissa Cochran


 my ancient guitar Jupiter

I'm day dreaming today. The sun is out, the sky is blue, it's not too hot, not too cold. Perfect conditions for day dreaming and a good mood to thrive.

This weekend I am going to work on my last two songs that I want on the demo with Danny. 

Have I mentioned how much I love to write songs? 

Finally a use for my over abundant supply of thoughts and feelings!

I can't wait to see what Danny is going to come up with for these songs.

He can listen to my song  that I play very simple guitar with. Usually I only use 2 or 3 chords in a song. He understands the feelings I'm trying to convey and then he jumps in with such beautiful guitar glory.

Guitar Glory I tell you!

This has been such a surprise source of fun and joy in my life. It has been a source of "oh my heck what am I doing?!!!" too. But today it's sunny. Today I'm all chilled out. Today my life is just right. 

I wish I could stay in this happy chilled out place where it's sunny and breezy. 

But life isn't meant to be easy and breezy. 

Duggar boot camp

 I fantasize about sending my kids to live with the Duggars for a year. 

Maybe Michelle and Jim Bob can teach them to work, get along with siblings, obey their parents and be responsible citizens.

 So far it's not looking so good for our kids.

 So much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth around here. 

 Last night at dinner we were having a fun time together. We were discussing the joy's of Sponge Bob and laughing over our favorite episodes, and  eating homemade "crabby patties". After dinner we were going to read as a family then the kids would earn a surprise privilege (watching Justin Bieber Never Say Never!) 

Only 2 out of the 5 kids earned the privilege. The other 3 went to bed.

These are the times when I loose my perspective. 

When they are being so rude and can't even sit still for 10 minutes of reading. I know the scriptures can be boring for kids but it's only 10 minutes! 

Pardon that little rant.

Gwenyth and Sarah graduated from preschool. It was pretty cute. 

They will be headed back next fall for one more year of preschool before they go to Kindergarten. 

So now what? 

They need places to go and people to see. 

My oldest child Emmaline turned 12.

I love the person she is becoming. 

Tonight we went to Temple Square for the young women's activity. I'm a teacher in Young Women's so now having Em in Young Women's makes it all that much more fun!

I'm so glad it stopped raining long enough for us to enjoy a beautiful night.

blue sky mind

Bleeding hearts in my back yard.
 A flower in the shape of a heart? How can that be?

 Praying my head off is like a regular thing.

 I don't pray my head off because I'm trying to be so good or because I think I should. 

I pray because I can't help it. I'm needy and I'm really homesick.  

I wish I could go back home and be loved and reassured that I'm doing right and that

 I'm still His favorite child. ;)

Then I could come back down here,

  plow through all my Costco shopping, laundry hauling, meal cooking, 

homework helping, bedtime putting life. I could face the confusing problems, I could handle with ease all the many things about this life that are hard, that just drag on and don't make sense.  

But if  I got to go home every day it would defeat the purpose of this life. 

 I get these glimpses of eternal perspective and drink from the "secret springs"
 but life keeps changing or worse, gets stagnant.
 I loose my footing and loose my perspective and feel lost again.
 I've worried that it was my fault. How could things be so clear, love and peace so strong then back to wandering in mental anguish again? Ugh! Not again!

It has been raining and raining . One night the storm was so fierce it woke me and Nate up. It was dark and windy.  It tore off lots of brand new leaves from our trees.  Tiny apricots were all over the grass too.

 But without all this spring rain  we wouldn't have our reservoirs filled.
  The trees and plants would die. 

 Is it the same with our mind and our personal growth? 

 Must we live in this illusion? We've got to be lost in a storm for awhile?

  During all these weeks of rain and dark skies the sky has still been blue up there above the clouds.
 We just can't see it.
 The sky never changed color, it is always blue.
Clouds just block our view.
Things look worse in our minds than they really are because our perceptions are distorted.
Clouds of thoughts from the atmosphere darken our blue sky mind.




This post was brought to you today by...........
 my own storms and illusions, and by............
 the inspiration and guidance I am getting from M. Catherine Thomas' book
Light in the Wilderness.
You should read it.

Here is my newest song
Secret Springs

It's not perfect :(
Nate told me some parts of it that he wants more of so now I'm thinking I need to reconfigure the melody a bit........
this is what it sounds like for now anyway

P.S.
Nathan, thanks for spending all evening helping me
 instead of doing your P90X work out.
Your so nice to me and I love you