Up coming show

Lucky me

 I am singing Saturday, June 15 at Heritage Park in Kaysville Utah.

150 North Fairfield Road. There are 2 stages. I'm on the MAIN STAGE at 2:00p.m.

I'm performing with my very skilled guitarist/friend, Ryan Miller and  my very skilled cellist/friend, Bridget Lee. I am very happy to be performing with them. It feels great to sing with beautiful instruments backing me up.

We are getting together this Saturday to decide on songs and practice.

That should be fun!

I'll take pictures and post them here, there and everywhere.

worlds beyond this one

I have a keen interest in worlds beyond this physical one.
 I think I've had this interest ever since I served as an LDS missionary when I was 21.
It was then that I had my first experiences with beings from other dimensions.  It sounds like I'm speaking of outer space creatures.
 I'm not.
I'm speaking of angels and demons.
It was as a 21 year old, earnest young preacher, that I learned angels and devils were real and are all around us.

This interest in spiritual things is a big part of me. Some of my favorite books to read are of regular people's experiences of dying and then returning back to their body.
There are many, many wonderful books on the subject. I have read several.
I've enjoyed them all.

I learn and gain so much from other people sharing their personal experiences.

In all of my reading and from my own experiences, I have learning that I am never alone.
 For good or ill, I am never alone.
I am constantly being encouraged, protected, loved and guided as I choose light over darkness. And, on the opposite side of the spectrum, I am being discouraged, harmed, hated and confused as I choose darkness over light. It all depends on my choices and the thoughts in my own head. Which thoughts I decide to entertain and which ones I push away.

I have been examining my thoughts and feeling more closely. I have been like an armed security guard at the door of my brain. A critical judge of the thoughts rolling through my head lately, especially in times of frustration or fear.
This is when I am most vulnerable to believing sad, angry and untrue thoughts.
I know there are times when extreme thoughts of sadness and anger come traipsing in my brain's door, that I didn't think up. They got in somehow, but their source is questionable. I am being more diligent at insisting on these thought and feelings to leave my mind at once. You are not welcome here.

Let me give you an example.
The other day as I was trying to find the floor of my laundry/mud room, my kids started to fight, again. I was trying to get them to clean up their mess and they start in on another fight and want me to act as referee.
The thought "I hate my children" came walking through my brain.
Really? You do? That's pretty extreme there. I think I am being influenced by somebody who is miserable and would love some company.

Another example.
Sometimes my children hate what I make for dinner. Shocking, I know.
They have no regard for the time, money and effort I have put into making them a meal that is nutritious   and in my opinion, delicious.
They say things like "Salmon for dinner? Yuck!"
It's in times like these, extreme thoughts break into my mind. …
"Nothing I do matters. My efforts are futile. Let them eat cereal"
I will then feel resentful and mad.
If I entertain these thoughts, I feel almost as if someone is on my side. I am justified in giving my kids an angry lecture and then topping it off with guilt. I'm so good at topping lectures off with guilt.

I'm happy to say that the armed security guard in my brain has been vigilant. I have been able to dismiss my extreme thought as impostors.  I have been able to smile and use a little humor and parental guidance, instead of anger and guilt to get them to eat dinner.


As I think higher thoughts. As I focus on all that I am grateful for. As I look at all the beauty in the natural world around me, I feel so close to my loving family members who have passed on.
I can't express the degree of comfort and courage both sets of my grandparents have given me beyond the veil that separates this world from that.
 I have been able to do things that would have been impossible without their encouragement.
I love them so much and feel and know they are in my life today more than they were even able to be when they were alive.
 Isn't that wonderful and amazing?! It's a blessing I  never saw coming.

Here I am, a grown woman, facing the rigors of raising 5 kids, and all the regular challenges of life. Clearly I could use some help. The beauty is, I have help.  I still get to have my grandparents in my life even though they are all passed on.
The comforting truth is, that ALL OF US have this blessing whether we know it or not.  If you don't already know it, I suggest strongly that you find out for yourself.
Your angels will be so happy if you do.

build it anyway

I meant to tell you the next day...

I did make the audition. 

They do want me to sing at the Kaysville City music and arts festival June 15.

 The satisfaction I felt with myself for facing a fear and auditioning was greater than the satisfaction I felt when I saw my name on the list of chosen performers. 

Interesting.
(they did spell my name Krisben Carol)

I hope me and "my band" find time to prepare some songs. 

Life is so full and busy for all 3 of us. It will take the stars aligning and heavenly intervention to get us all together.

***************************

I found some personal messages and meaning for me in this weeks Sunday school lesson. 

The lesson was about the building of the Kirtland Ohio temple.

These new converts to this new church were asked by their prophet Joseph Smith,
 who was asked by God, to build a Temple.
A holy house for the Savior.

5 months after Joseph Smith received that revelation to build the temple, not much had been done to begin the construction.
The Lord called them to repent and get going on it already!

Most of these brave struggling people were themselves were very poor.

They were struggling to keep a roof over their own heads, many of the men were off preaching in other lands, so how could they build a temple?

Their first plan was to  build a temple out of logs or boards.
I can certainly understand why they hadn't started.
But then again, the God of heaven and earth did command them to build it.

.

Joseph and his 2 counselors prayed together about how the building should be constructed.
A 3 dimensional model of the temple appeared in front of them. 

They saw the temple just like a hologram in front of their eyes.  (Think Star Trek)

Joseph came back to the people and said...
"Shall we build a house for our God, of logs?  No….I have a plan of the house of the Lord, given by Himself; and you will soon see by this, the difference between our calculation and his idea of things"
(quoted in Lucy Mack Smith, History of Joseph Smith)
See more of the  historical account here

As we were discussing what this must have been like for these early believers, I heard and felt in my mind, the spirit whispering to me. I also heard and felt my true self, my eternal self asking me, 

"Do you see?"

"Do you get it?"

And as I sat there, I did get it.

There is a woman God is asking me to be.  There are things my life's circumstances are requiring of me. My children ask everything of me. My house asks slave labor of me. My pets meow and bark their requests of me. My garden and yard stare at me with their wilting leaves, and weeds, trying to choke them out. 

My mortal body's needs are ever whining in my ear. "I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm craving things that are bad for us, but I want them anyway and I want them now!"

I realized in Sunday school, over the last several months, I have come to the Lord with my suggestion that we just build me into a small log cabin instead of a temple. 
Obviously, I'm too poor to do more than this.
I'm too immature to be the adult in this house all the time.
 I can't afford to be the patient, early rising mother, with a smile and a hot meal.
We both know I'm too tired and weak for that. Let's get real. 

I'm too flawed and not smart enough to maintain a meaningful, hopefully, helpful blog.
Clearly you can see that Lord. Plus, I can't afford the time it takes. 

I'm too poor.
I'm too tired.
The house is a mess.
The kid's schedules are crowded and keep me running.

I can't afford to venture down some unknown singing, songwriting  path.

 I don't have that much talent in my wallet. 

I have some suggestions of some friends of mine that have way more talent in their wallet. 

Their bank account is loaded, so you could take your piercing to the heart,

 voice, over to their house and get much better results. 

I'm too poor.

I'm too poor to exercise consistently. It's too taxing on my reserves of energy. I can't afford to miss the sleep. 

How about you just bless me that my back will feel fine, even if I skip the Pilates….could you just make an exception for me?
 I know you love me so maybe you could just keep in mind that I'm too poor to eat healthy food.
It's expensive and it's so much easier to just eat the sweet and salty comfort foods that seem to be everywhere I go. You don't actually think I can NOT eat them, do you? 

This has been my rational for the past several months of slackery.
Yes. Slackery. It's a new word.
 It means giving yourself permission to slack off and do things with only half the energy they require. You know, because you think special allowances should be made for you because you don't have the energy it takes to do things the way they should  be done.

As I sat there in Sunday school I realized…...

God is asking me to build it anyway.
Just like he asked them to build it anyway.

Build it despite the poverty I see and feel.

Build the temple.

As if he were saying to me too…..

I asked for a temple, and a log cabin is not a temple.

Get up.

Go.

A log cabin is not what he is requiring from my hands.

A temple is.

A big, beautiful, expensive, carefully and skillfully crafted temple.

You are going to have to give up some sleep.
You are going to have to feel some sore muscles.
You are going to have to be stronger than your cravings.

You are going to have to face more fear. 

You are going to have to be uncomfortable more often than you already are.

You are going to be glad you did.

Oh help me now.

scattered update

May 8, 2013

Should I rename this blog,  The Neglected Blog?  

Maybe, since I write in it once a month.

I'm hiding from my kids.

I have one who is "sick" and home from school.

My twins don't go till 12:45.

They are all playing so nicely that I'm gong to stay out of the way. I swear, the minute my kids see me they are hungry, or they have some bone to pick with me or some source of injustice in our family that they must make me aware of.

My best parenting skill I have learned over the years is to back off and stay out of the way.

Some might call it neglect ;)  

I employed this tactic out of necessity  while I sat and nursed my twins while my other 3 did who knows what in the house and neighborhood. 

Now I see it taught them to pour their own cereal, get themselves dressed, do their own hair, solve their own problems. 

I'll stay up here, even though I'm really thirsty and want a drink of my yummy filtered water at my kitchen sink. 

I might have to drink the soft water from my bathroom sink to tide me over. 

Is soft water bad for you? Too much salt?



May 14, 2013

I auditioned for something.

I've never auditioned for anything in my life.

Auditioning is on my list of things to avoid.

My daughter Emmaline is always auditioning for this or that.

Sometimes she gets the part, sometimes she doesn't.

 I took a lesson from her and auditioned.
 I counted it a valuable experience regardless of the outcome.
I should hear tomorrow if they want me or not.
It is for a music and arts festival in Kaysville. A little city north of me.
Fictionist is performing that night.
I should find out tomorrow if they want me or not.


I just want to be brave.
 I just want to be true and good.
I want to do what I am supposed to do while I am here on earth.
Wanting and doing are very different.
Last night I was neither brave nor good.
I was so rude and impatient with my kids.
Granted, I was very tired and had worked hard all day,
 but I tell you I was acting as if I didn't even like them a bit.
When I bring that bossy rude attitude in it spreads like wild fire.
They start treating each other with disdain.
Humph….
The growth of my character is sure taking a long time.

It's almost time for the kids to come home, then its off to scouts, soccer, acting class for AnnaKate, and I'm even squeezing in a practice with Ryan my guitarist.
It's time to record another song.
Have you listened to my latest song we recorded?
Go to my reverb nation page. There is a link at the top of the blog.
Download it for a dollar.
It's good.

Foundation

How firm a foundation.

That's the title of the song I'm recording.

I didn't write it but I mean every word of it.

Meaning every word of what I am singing feels ultra fantastic.

It feels meaningful and purposeful and powerful.

That's a feeling I search for in my life. 

Maybe that's why cooking dinner for children who think it is gross is such an unpleasant experience for me?

For a few years now I have been dreaming of recording some of my favorite hymns.

Record them and try to express them in the way that they make me feel.

I try to play them on my guitar. The slow ones I can stumble my way through. 

The  ones I want to pick up the tempo on, I clunk and flunk my way through. 

But don't despair! 

Ryan will save the day with his exquisite guitar playing talent. 

It is so satisfying to sing while he plays.

Here we are rehearsing.

We are all done recording it. It is a song with 7 verses. I recorded the 4 verses I thought concisely expressed the comfort and power of the song. 

I'm excited to hear the finished product, but to be honest, I'm more excited to start working on the next song.

It's the process, not so much the product that I find so rewarding, although I love having a finished product too.

I look forward to the day when I can work on music more often, but for now, I have a lot to try to balance and music is something I have just a little bit of time and money for. I'm grateful I can do things as I have time and opportunity.  I'm grateful music is a joy for my and not a job that throws my life with my kids off balance.

Besides singing in church I don't get out much to perform.

I did sing one of my songs at a house concert in March. 

Thanks Natalie!!!

It was fun, but one song felt like a little tiny snack when I'm starved.

Here I am with Peter Breinholt and Nancy Hansen at the house concert.

I sang Silver Compass with Ryan and it went well. I think.

Nate recorded it on my iPhone and when I watched it later I thought "I looked like that?! I sounded like that?!" So either it was a bad recording or I'm not near as good as I think I am. My outfit sure wasn't as cute as I thought it was. Oh well. People were nice and said nice things and I felt good about it. (until I saw the video) ;)

I love singing in church and it is a privilege I am grateful for.

I was asked to sing at a missionary farewell of some twins sisters that I taught in my young women's class when they were 16-18. 

I enjoyed singing in my high "church voice" for several hundred people. 

People's kind words to me after are a comfort, but I have realized that it's my own opinion I value the most. 

If I feel like I did well, then that is good enough for me. 

I felt like I sang with love.

I'm making an effort to speak well of myself because earlier this week I was talking in my head so mean without even realizing it. Until it was too late and I had to deal with the consequences of my brutal self talk. 

I'm looking into some other places I might perform at this summer. 

Hopefully some things will work out and Ryan and Bridget will have time to perform with me. 

We shall see.

I still feel this weird resistance inside myself.

Like... "Do I really have to do this?"

"Why am I doing this?"

"Whose idea was this?"

"Someone else besides me should do this"

Whatever the reasons, and whatever the outcome,

 I do know doing this.....pursuing music in a real way, kills the fear in me. 

Not just fear to sing or perform or open up but fear in so many forms.

 Fear that affects my life and soul in so many negative ways. Fear that even affects my relationships with my children and my husband. And worse, affects my relationship with God. Jesus so often says "Fear not". 

 Fear blocks me from God's love and blinds me to who I really am.  

So that could be reason enough for doing all of this!

The more fear I let go of the more love and peace I am able to feel. 

Who doesn't want more love and peace?

how things really are

Sometimes I'm not that grounded. 

Sometimes I'm floaty off in space, not sure of who or where I am.

 I forget things. I don't want to engage in my real life. 

I drift of to some place in my mind.
 It can be quite nice......

 but it can also cause me to have an apathetic attitude about my life and feel disappointed with reality. 

The funny thing is, that over all, my reality is nothing to be disappointed about. 

I was praying about this the other day.

 How can I be more grounded and less up in the clouds? 

The answer came to me to write about how things really are. 

So I do.

 In my journal, in my songs, and tonight, in my blog.

My fruit trees are blossoming. That makes me happy.
I kept up with the laundry today. Every time I came or went I was switching out loads and quickly hanging up and folding a basket of clothes. 

I went to a funeral today, of a wonderful woman in our neighborhood. She has lived a long and rich life. I felt so so happy for her. She lived an honorable life, and now she has returned home!

 I felt like I wanted to try harder to live a good, and even a great life.

 So that when I die, it will be a joyful, peaceful occurrence. 

I stopped myself from feeling guilty and critical of myself as a mother today. 

That is like dodging a bullet. 

I'm glad I was able to dodge the guilt and comparison bullet. 

You know......"compared to so and so I am such a mediocre  mom" 

My twins got to go on a field trip all day to the zoo. Sarah asked if I was one of the moms coming with. I said no. She got all pouty and asked 

"Why don't you ever come to school with us?"

 For a minute I felt bad that I didn't volunteer more, I even considered changing out of my pajamas and throwing my hair in a pony tail and seeing if there was room on the bus to the zoo.
But then I answered honestly.
"Because I like being with you at home" And that's the truth. I do volunteer  or come with them to school but I'm no weekly regular. I like taking care of, and being with them at home.
 When they go to school, I'm happy for the break!
I'm happy to be alone and I enjoy my own company. There is nothing wrong with that.
 I stopped myself from comparing myself to the moms who go every week and are the room moms and PTA presidents.
It felt good to accept myself and even approve of myself. Sarah quickly got over her pout and had a great time at the zoo. 

I haven't posted about music lately. It's not that I've dropped that passion. I have not.
 I haven't wanted to talk about it as much lately.
 I just want to enjoy it.
Enjoy writing songs. Enjoy creating them and making them better with my guitarist Ryan.
Enjoy recording them and polishing them with Kurt.
Enjoy listing to them.

The whole sharing them on Facebook  and putting them up for sale and advertising myself feels so uncomfortable.
It feels like is saps some of the joy right out of the process because then I have to wonder what other people think of a song.
 I have to wonder if anybody will even listen to it or download it.
It's just embarrassing. I'd prefer not to have to be the one trying to sell myself.
Awkward.
But, for now, I'll keep doing my best to put the songs out there.
 I'll try to get a thicker skin and not worry about what anybody thinks of me, or my songs, or my voice, or my motives, or my lyrics, or whatever.
I'll live and learn.

happy fool's day

Last night when we got home from all of our family Easter festivities I heard one of my kids say

 "Why is there a bear on the toilet?"

 I pictured in my mind a stuffed bear having fallen in the toilet, so I was about to get a plastic bag to get it out.

 "Don't flush it!"

 I walked in and saw this instead......

I was so confused.

Then I remembered Emmaline and I saw this on the fridge and didn't look at it long enough to realize it was weird.

Toilet Tattoos???

Yes.

On all four of our toilets.

"The only way to crown your throne"

I knew which friends would do something like this.

Our neighbors the Brownings.

We all got a great laugh! :D

The kids thought it was so so fun to have a prank pulled on us. 

After scriptures and prayer Emmaline got on pinterest and found all these ideas and pranks she wanted to pull on the Brownings.

The kid's imaginations went wild.

As I was helping Sarah get ready for bed her mind and mouth were jabbering out idea after idea.

"Lets sneak over and put make up on Clint while he sleeps"

"Let's put doll clothes on their cat Charlie"

"Let's write a letter from Charlie and have him sign it with his paw print"

And a about 100 other ideas.

We finally got the kids to bed. Not fully realizing little April fool's pranksters had been unleashed.

As Nate and I were watching a program on TV we heard noises downstairs and in the hall, but we ignored it because that's what you do when you're really tired and you don't care anymore if your kids sleep or stay up all night.

We got ready for bed and Nate told me I had big hair.

Big hair like Cher.

So I took a picture for posterity.

And a picture for me when I'm old and my hair isn't what it used to be.

Big Hair.

I like.

Then I opened our bedroom door to go downstairs for something and was startled and freaked out by this little army of creatures outside our door staring at me.

Look closer.

They are armed.

With my silver ware.

Funny and freaky.

This morning the twins told me they woke up "in the middle of the night" to go down and put lipstick on their big sister's faces. Instead, the big sisters and the little sisters pulled that trick on us,

 and then they all slept in the same room like best friends. 

Doesn't that make you smile?

It does me.

My kids fight.....but, the majority of the time they are so close and fun and sweet together.

Emmaline and Luke did end up pulling some pranks on the Brownings.

Kristy and Jax have a strong disdain for cotton balls.

Weird, I know.

Emmaline capitilized on this phobia and left them a little baby doll holding cotton balls! Oh No!

They also taped cotton balls to the underside of car door handles and steering wheels. 

Sorry Kristy.

Maybe this exposure to cotton balls will start to cure you of your phobia. 

I got this text & pic from Kristy this morning.

She said...

"I'm having a hard time looking at it. It's all stuck to her hands and spread out. 

I'm feeling nauseous talking about it"

This is so funny to me.

It's making me laugh :)

Hope your day is funny and all the pranks are friendly ones.