Camping, Summer of 2013.

I have a couple summer posts that were never posted. 

We went camping in August? Or was it July? Either way, I started this post and then never published it. Here it is, a little late. ;)

The first, official, family camping trip!

My kids have been asking to go camping for years.

 I have ignored their requests for years. 

How could that be fun? 

It's hard enough to make meals and clean up at home. 

Why would I want to do it in the dirt? 

Plus, I think it's hard enough to keep my kids alive around here let alone next to a river and a fire and woods.

 I didn't grow up camping with my family,  so to me, camping looks like a big job I do not want to be in charge of. 

Mmmmmmm, tinfoil dinners.

But I do like camping without my children, when someone else is in charge of meal planning and food packing and fire building. I have loved going to girls camp with the youth of my church. 

I decided after seeing how much my girls loved girls camp this year, that maybe I could handle camping with my children now. 

My youngest are 6, it's not like I have to change diapers and keep them from falling into the fire pit.

So we finally went this past weekend. 

We only went for one night. We could have easily enjoyed another night.

Every new stage of parenthood has wonderful, new, fun things to offer!

That's good, because every stage of parenthood has hard, no fun things to go through too.

Ever had a banana boat? 

They are yummy. Wrap that it tinfoil and put it in the coals to get all melty.

Fishing in pajamas.

Making whistles out of snake grass.

The clouds kept it cool. 

It didn't get hotter than about 83 degrees most of the time.

It even rained for about an hour an a half. 

We snuggled down in the tent. I napped and read and the kids played some made up game all cramped in one half of the tent.

  Distant thunder rumbled, keeping it exciting but not scary.

Then it stopped.

 The sun came out and we played in the river.

Nate is great.

This water is freezing. 

My feet went numb standing in it.

I loved camping. I am looking forward to doing it again. 

I loved watching my kids enjoy nature.

Most of all,

I loved watching my kids enjoy each other.

Summer Contentment

This morning's poem

*****************************************************************

Manna falls down into my hands

I have what I need today

One day forward

No faster, no bigger than that

It's less confusing that way

Feels slow

 Progress almost imperceptible

I look back and then I can see

All the progress within me

No need to panic and rush

There is time allotted for this

Stay calm, stay focused on the steps in front of your feet

BE where you are

So you don't miss the sweet

******************************************************************

I'm being a very fun mom.

I need to write that down so I feel like I get some kind of credit.

This summer is going along very nicely.

Lots and lots of fun, family, friends and good food.

I'm glad I can type that. When school gets out I feel very freaked out at the prospect of having my kids home all day.

Three meals to make and clean up, kids everywhere, all there junk and noise filling up my house with chaos.

Fighting, too much TV consumption….

The list of my reasons for freaking out goes on.

But then, I calm down. I realize it's all going to be OK. I can handle it.  ;)

The kids and I get into a summer groove and it's all good.

There is no real routine. Everyday is different. With family vacations to break it up, summer ends up feeling very short.

Why do I panic every year?

This is what we have been up to the past 6 days.

The fourth of July celebrations, then cub camp. (Did you forget I'm a den mother? Are you jealous of my yellow scout shirt?)

AnnaKate's 12th birthday on July 6th. 

My sister is in town so we have had a family activity every day.

Today we are going to a water park.

I have that contented look on my face because Nate came with me to cub camp. He did the driving. I love being the passenger. It rained the night before so it smelled like woodsy heaven.

 That is one of my very favorite smells. Trees, streams, wet earth. 

There I am with my eagle scout.

Have a great day.

I better eat a big breakfast since I'll be going down water slides all day.

:)

feeling blessed

Before the fireworks show even started I got teary. Sitting there with so much family and friends in my town that I love. My little girl on my lap. Thinking of my grandfathers who have served our country. There are times when I realize my life is perfect. I have everything I have ever wanted. I am surrounded by love and blessings and opportunities for more love and more growth. 

I just feel so blessed.

Let me count the ways.

I feel blessed because my AnnaKate has opportunities and teachers and church leaders that are helping her discover her talents,  and the true desires of her heart. Above is her acting teacher. She is growing into herself and growing out of childish ways that only hold her back.

I feel blessed to be a witness to this beautiful girl's life. 

She looks older and more feminine and lovely every day.

She was in a play in May.

Thoroughly Modern Millie.

There she was, singing and dancing and shining like a star from heaven!

She will start  her last year of junior high in the fall. 

Time is moving fast for her and me. 

I hope I'm teaching her what she needs to know. She is so wise and good she is practically raising herself. 

 I feel blessed that my kids get to do so many of the things I got to do as a kid and so many other things that I would have loved to do. It's wonderful to see the American dream still exists even though our world can be so crazy.

I feel blessed because I can send my children to school down the street with great friends and teachers.

Here my twins are in their Kindergarten graduation program.

They are just so sweet.

AnnaKate is moving on to junior high. She seems too small and young. It is so exciting and a little scary to watch my children grow up.

Last day of school joy!

So many cousins on both sides of the family.

Here they are with my side of the family. We had a surprise birthday party for my sister's daughter at my house. It fills my heart up to see my kids with my siblings kids, loving each other and having fun.

I feel blessed because I live in a neighborhood where kids still know how to play and entertain themselves with the simple things of life. Like a plastic pool filled up with cold water from the hose. 

9 kids in that little thing!

I feel blessed because I get to be a mother. I get to record and witness everything from loosing a tooth to performing in their first play to scoring their first goal to reading their first words.

I get to be the one they want the most, to watch them. 

I'm the one they want to tell about all the little things in their lives.

I feel so blessed because my twins and I had the funnest time at the water park last week.

I felt so proud as I walked around the park, me in the middle with a little girl on either side of me. 

The three of us holding hands.

It brought back all the feelings and memories of when they were my little babies that never fought, that I could parade around and dress the same.

For that day at the park, the three of us were as in love and harmonious as we were when they were babies.

It was wonderful to have those feelings rekindled because I'm telling you, life can't get tiresome with 2 feisty, stubborn 6 year old girls who have strong vocal chords and know how to use them.

I feel blessed that my mother in law is so wonderful. 

She raised a kind, strong, good,  man who makes me laugh and is my best friend.

She is as kind and fun and wonderful as she is beautiful. 

This picture doesn't capture her emerald green eyes that sparkle with love and fun.

I feel blessed that my children have about a million cousins that all live within 10 minutes! 

They built this gigantic sand castle village in grammy and papa's sand volley ball court.

I mean seriously.

How cute and creative can they be?!

I feel blessed that I can take my kids to fun places with good friends.

Life is good and we have so much freedom. I have the time and the money to have fun with my kids.

Look at my first born.

I feel more proud of her every day.

She has a pure heart.

Sarah's shirt says it all.

No wonder I cried tears of joy at the fire works show tonight.

I have so many more blessings. These are just the ones I took pictures of over the past few months.

Tonight I just needed to send out some love and gratitude into the universe since so much love has been  given to me in my life.

Goodnight.

I'll be up bright and early for the parade.

I can't wait to see the jets fly over head.

I'm sure I'll cry tears of joy and gratitude again.

God Bless America.

empowered

Recording and singing the hymns has empowered me.

It's set me free and made me feel it's easy to share my music. I actually want to.

It feels like it takes me out of the equation somehow. I'm just the voice.

I can sing them with my whole heart and mean every word I say but it is not about me.

It's not about me.

That must be why it feels freeing.

That must be why when I post it on Facebook I don't cringe.

That must be why I'll just tell people they should down load it because it's a great song.

As a mother I love to nourish and nurture my children. It was easy and wonderful when they were nursing babies. Oh, to hear and see my baby gulping down my milk!  I knew I was creating and feeding them food that was nourishing. 

I still love seeing them eat healthy food. It's not as easy these days though! 

Sometimes I have to be creative.

I told Gwenyth that if she ate salmon it would make her a better swimmer.

At the time she had a big crush on her swim teacher Brandon.

She went from a typical 4 year old who didn't like fish to a child who could eat as much salmon as me.

I think it is just a part of me to want to feed, teach, nourish, love and advise those in my circle of influence….even when I know I do it imperfectly.

Recording and singing the hymns makes me feel as if I've made a very nutritious meal. 

A meal that will energize and even heal. It makes me feel like I get to serve it up and spoon feed it. 

It thrills my mother heart.

I know all of our eternal spirits recognize truth. Not always on a conscious level but I know our spirits always recognize the truth. 

When I sing the hymns I know I'm speaking truth. Not just my truth or the truth as I see it through my certain perspective of experience and bias,

 but the actual truth.

I love the truth.

 I want to seek the truth, I want to speak the truth, I want to BE the truth.

THE END

Kristen Carol-"Come Back" Live

(can you believe it took me over an hour to decide what to wear and then I just go with a t-shirt and my favorite old skirt?)

Here is another one of my new songs. 

It sounds so much better in person.

My shaky little hands playing the guitar the best they could.

It was honestly fun to perform new songs.
I want to make sure I do more new ones for my show in August.

When I wrote this song I thought it was just for me. I think that about all my songs as I write them.
"This song is just for me. No one else will hear it."
If I were to approach song writing thinking,
"I'm going to sing this to family and friends and strangers"
That thought would halt the process. I'd be paralyzed by questions like,
"What would they want to hear? What would they like?" What will they think of me?"
The fact is, I don't know the answer to any of those questions. How am I supposed to know what they think or want or like?
I only know what I think or want or like and so that is how I approach writing a song.
I know I have emotions that need expression and so I find a way to express them honestly.
My true hope is that as I share songs that are honest and have personal meaning to me that they will translate to someone elses' life and story and have personal meaning to them.
After I wrote this song it was like medicine to my soul. I would listen to it over and over.
I had no intention of recording or performing it.
Plus this song didn't feel like a song I "wrote" it felt like a conversion I put to music.
A personal conversation between me and Heaven.

Bridget (cello player above)  is a very good friend of mine. One I trust and feel safe with.
She asked me if I had any new songs. I had Come Back recorded on my iPhone. We took a drive in my car and I played her the song.
It was her reactions to the song that really surprised me.
It meant something to her.
She loved it.
She had tears in her eyes.
Wow. Really?
I thought it was just for me.
Ryan, my brilliant guitarist (is it presumptuous to call him "my" guitarist?)
Ryan, the guitarist I hire, who has now become my friend, also loved the song.
I played it for him and we then recorded a rough draft at his house.
He texted me later.
"Listening to "come back" for the 23rd time today. It has really struck a powerful musical and emotional nerve with me. I love it"

I'm just learning as I go.
I'm learning how to be vulnerable. More importantly,
I'm learning why to let myself be vulnerable.
Why to be really honest about how I feel and what I think.
I'm learning to admit to feelings and thoughts that I'm ashamed of and in the process realizing that I don't need to be ashamed. I need to be honest and trust that the intentions of my heart are good.

I'm going to try and write a new song today. Even if the house is loud and messy and crowded with children,
 I'll be in my music room.

how the show went….

I have the death grip on that microphone. If I let go of it with one of my hands then both my hands would shake.

I chose to cling and sing.

Here is one of my new songs I performed.

I wrote it when the inversion was horrid.

Every winter I tell my husband we need to move. 

Now I have a song about it. 

The performance went practically perfectly.

I wish I could have avoided being so nervous before hand.

If I would have had time to go the the park a few hours before my performance to listen to some of the others and to actually see the place with my own eyes I would not have been near as freaked out. 

I didn't have time though because my husband had obligations he couldn't get out of and I had the kids and the twins really needed a bath! 

I got all freaked out because of the UNKNOWN.

The people running the show kept sending me all these official documents for me to fill out and having me print parking permits so we could park by the stage so we didn't have to carry our instruments far. Lot's of emails about time constraints and set up time and you better stay within your 20 min and your 20 min includes set up time! EEEEKKKK

All this official stuff made me wonder "how big is this place?" "This seems too official and serious" "

I freaked myself out. 

The other mistake I made was that I kept worrying about things that were out of my control.

"What if the sound guys don't' do a good job and the sound is all unbalanced?"

"What if the person a head of  me goes over her time and cuts into mine?"

This little experience has made me want to make a much more conscious effort to not worry about things that are out of my control!

Do my best with what it is in my control and let the rest go. Have faith and trust that things will work out.

They do work out!

They did work out!

I want to write more but I need to get moving.

Cub scouts coming over and I better plan something for them to do.

Yes I'm still a Den Mother.

I love it. 

I moved up to the bear troop with my son.

More on the show later.

Kaysville Show

So there it is.

I feel excited and nervous.

I have my 20 minutes on stage. I have 5 songs planned. 4 new ones :)

 It is a great chance for me to get comfortable with performing.

I want to be comfortable performing.

I'll tell you the story of why my name on the poster is Kristen Morris instead of Kristen Carol.

No time now.

I read an acronym for fear the other week that I have loved.

FEAR

Face Everything And Rise