fed up and cooped up

I have been cooped up with sick children for days on end. I'm being dramatic. I've been cooped up since Thursday, or was it Wednesday? 2 of my kids have had 103 fevers and coughs that sound like the black lung. I have been doling out medicines and herbal remedies and soup and herbal tea like a medicine man or a medicine woman. I am tired and I don't want to hear the sound of a croupy cough echoing through my house. Tonight was opening night for my little kids school play. Luke has a lead part with solos and Sarah is in it as well. They were both way too sick to perform. They were so sad to miss out and I have been really bummed too. They have worked so hard for the past several months, learning songs and dances. Their counter parts had to fill in for them tonight. I pray they will be well for Wednesday's performance. 

I thought I'd post some pictures of some happy things from the past few weeks, 

 I need to be reminded of the good things in life. 

Like this front pack for my pets.

I laughed until I cried when I put my kitty Max in it. I'm thinking if I had to evacuate in an emergency (us Utahan's think about that kind of thing) I'd strap my kitty to my chest and make a run for it. I really like my kitty and I'd like to take him with me everywhere. 

Emmaline and Kaytlin had their first gig. They sang for 2 hours at our local Chick Fil-A. They were so good. I felt so proud and bragged on facebood and instagram. I am pretty jealous of their guitar and uke skills!

On Presidents Day I decided we were going to go on a family outing no matter what. 

I have 2 teenage daughters and it is getting really hard to do anything with all 7 of us. 

After some fights and slaps and tears and drama (I did not slap. My kids slap each other when faced with the task of getting ready to go somewhere as a family)

 After a rather miserable car ride to go get daddy from work, we were finally off to Spanish Fork Canyon to hike to some hot springs. 

The pictures of the waterfall and natural hot pools were so beautiful. 

We finally get there with maybe 2 and 1/2 hours of daylight left. When we arrive, the road to the trail head is closed. It's 6 miles to the trail and another 2.5 to the waterfall. We had to accept the fact that we'd just have to wait for another day to see the hot springs. The closed canyon road was snow packed and a beautiful walk. We walked up the canyon for about an hour with many other people who were hoping to see the springs. 

I have 5 children. There are only 4 here  because my second daughter was too ticked off to get out of the car. She slept and sulked in the car while we enjoyed the beauty of nature and the semi warm weather. I had my coat on but my kids are very warm blooded and ran around like it was summer. 

The happy family, minus the pouty one in the car. Isnt' that how it goes in a family? 

Somebody is always mad. 

We went to Slab Pizza in Provo. It was yummy and all the employees were beautiful, young, hip college students. 

Once again, somebody is mad. 

Can you spot the pink lump pouting in her coat? She wanted "healthy food", not pizza. 

Hooray for ice-cream, we all scream for ice cream. This was the magic moment when all 7 of us were happy about the same thing at the same time. I guess in Sarah's book, ice cream counts for "healthy food" because that's what she had for dinner. The BYU creamery is so good. Wow. We are going back there. 

So as you might know, I love animals. I need animals in my life like I need air and trees and a cozy bed. 

Here are my cats grooming Luke's head during family scripture study. 

We try to read the Book of Mormon every night and pray before bed with our kids. It makes things better in our family. Our pets always attend family scripture study and never complain about it. They set the example for our kids who are usually good sports about it. I think they know we need it. It brings Heaven's help in a wicked world. That's right. A wicked world. I am beyond concerned about the state or our nation. I think things are really bad and most of us are oblivious to how bad things really are. Pretty soon we won't be able to stay oblivious because it will be knocking at our doors and affecting our pocket book our schools our health care our grocery bill more than it already is.

Do I sound negative? I feel a bit down and fed up tonight. Maybe I shouldn't blog on a night when I feel fed up with the wicked world, plus the fact that  I've been cooped up with sick kids I'm a little nuts.

Back to happy things. 

For Valentines day Nate and I went to Park City over night. It was beautiful. The inversion was really bad and it was a miracle to drive up to the mountain city where the air is clean and the sky is blue. It was 55 degrees! We walked around art galleries and ate breakfast at our favorite place. 

Here is a huge crystal cluster in a beautiful jewelry store. I love crystals. I have become quite the collector of rocks, minerals, and crystals. I Love them! 

Here is one from my collection. It's called Labradorite. I love the meanings and uses for crystals. They aren't just pretty, they are helpful, like nutritious food or warm sunshine, they can help us physically and spiritually. 

I love to learn about and use them in my personal life and in my Reiki practice with clients. 

Organic Cauliflower of new and beautiful varieties. Bright Orange, soft purple and one that looks like a sea creature. They were so pretty and so delicious. My kids loved them as much as me! The purple one turned the water the pretties violet color. It was so pretty I drank it. Purple cauliflower "tea" is pretty good. My kids thought I was weird, but that's OK by me. There is something satisfying about embarrassing your kids with your dance moves or loud singing or  cauliflower water drinking. 

I have finally gotten out of my house and started exercising again! 

Miracle.

 Spring has srpung in Utah and I am hiking in the snow and slush even if I slide off a cliff. 

I need mother Nature so bad. 

When I go up to the mountains I feel so good. I feel the spirit of the earth heal me and soothe me and clear my head of all its clutter. 

I feel my angels hike along with me. I feel their love and joy for me and for the life I am creating. Even though I'm so flawed and make so many mistakes I feel my angels cheer for me and reassure me that I am doing great. I need Heaven's love and encouragement. I don't think I'm very well suited for this wild world. I think I'm a bit of a pansy.

 I want peace and happiness and rainbows and unicorns. 

I also want to look nice in pictures so I only took a picture with half my face, that way I can't see how my face is aging. 

It's odd to see your face change and age. 

It's actually fascinating in one sense but also a bummer to see your face get a little wilty. 

The sunsets have been beautiful. We have had some storms that have cleaned the air and made for glorious skies. I love it. I hike up high enough to get a good view and then I stand there and praise the Lord for his creations. 

I have had some wonderful Reiki appointments with some special clients. I learn so much and I feel so good helping people in this way. It is a powerful and uplifting experience. 

I look forward to many more rewarding experiences. 

I have a show coming up in April. Our Christmas show feels like it was a year ago, not 2 months ago. I really need to make a set list and get practicing with Ryan, Emily and Bridget.  My head hasn't  been focused on music lately. I bet it would help my head and heart if I could get myself to write a song or practice the guitar. I don't know why I haven't had the heart for it. I think I do know why but that is another post that may or may not get posted. 

My friend and owner of the recording studio where I record got me this show in April.

 It is in West Bountiful on April 8th. 

I'll post about it as it gets closer. 

Well, the coughing kids are finally quietly sleeping. Poor things. It's nice to be the only one awake. Sometimes being alone is the only time I can hear my own thoughts and feel peace. I don't feel quite so fed up and cooped up after blogging tonight. 

Thanks for reading. Have a lovely day/night. :)

Why am I building a new website?

(It's freezing and snowy here. The wind blew so hard that the power went out this morning.  I love that we are getting all this snow but I didn't like the spooky sound of the howling wind and the power going out)

I've hired some help in building a new website. It's making me ask myself over and over, 

"Why am I building a website?" 

It's been really good for me to go through the process of building this site and defining what I do and what my message is and what my mission is. 

It's been uncomfortable and unnerving but once I do my work I feel so much better. I'm just going to keep walking ahead and try to follow the little ideas that come to me and not get lost in uncertainty or paralyzed by my desire for perfection.

I would prefer to be perfect and never make mistakes and never look stupid.

This can be a problem since I'm not perfect and I do make lots of mistakes and that can look stupid.

I have gotten busy with my Reiki healing business.

 Did you know I'm a Reiki practitioner?

 I know I've blogged a little about it but not as much as I could. It really is the most exciting and wonderful thing happening in my own life right now.

 In October I got my business licence, since then things have picked up.

 I have had many powerful sessions with clients. It has been a huge learning experience for me and also a big positive change in my life. 

Over all I have loved it.

I feel really grateful that I can do it. 

If you are not familiar with what Reiki is, it is a Japanese healing art. It is done by placing hands above or lightly on the body and bringing divinely guided life force energy into the person's body to assist in their healing. 

I like this list of some of the benefits of recieving Reiki. 

 This year of 2016 I have felt like I needed to take some additional steps to share my music, share the gifts that I have, share the knowledge that I have learned and share the  network of talented and knowledgeable holistic health care practitioners that I know. 

These are some of the reasons I am building a new website.

As I have searched and worked toward a greater degree of health and happiness in myself I have met so many wonderful healers on the way. 

This website is to share information about them as well as me.  

We all have our own strengths and specialty.  

So with my Reiki business, I have been very rewarded as I have had the courage and faith to work on people that I don't know and even harder, work on people that I do know. 

My intutive and empathic gifts grow as I use them to help others. 

Right now Music has taken a back seat to the Reiki work. My new website will have links to my music and pictures and the option to listen and buy my songs. It's kind of split 50 / 50 between the holistic healing aspect of what I love and do and the music that I create. 

I'm sure I'll figure more of this out as I go. 

I don't know exactly what I'm doing but I have an idea. 

That's a little scary... or maybe a lot scary. 

I do know I can't just sit here and hide in my house. I've tried to hide, but to do nothing because I'm scared of what others might think of me is more misserable than just doing what I do and sharing what I have and taking the risk that not everyone will understand.  Not everyone will be cheering me on and reasurring me that what I am doing is good. I'm going to have to be ok with that. 

I need to get out and be heard and let myself be found by the people that could benefit from what I have because what I have is good.

This is all a part of my adult development and growth... right? 

We are not done growing and learning when we reach our twenties.

 It is a never ending process and growth can be freaky. 

At least it freaks me out sometimes. It also is the best thing ever! I'm so happy for the ways that I've grown and the things that I've learned. I'm so glad that I am an ever changing and ever expanding being. 

Woohoo!

Thanks for reading.

Have a lovely day, where ever you are. 

video post

The sun is shining today. With all the winter weather It was a blessed relief to feel the sun on my back as I took the trash out and gave my hens some water. Yesterday I heard one of them clucking loudly. They only make those loud crows and clucks when they have laid an egg. They only start laying eggs as the days get longer and we get closer to spring! I pried open the frozen door to their coop today and found one little white egg! Happy day, winter can't last forever. 

My kids are keeping me challenged and growing. I'd write more about my kids here but I'm afraid I might just wander around in my confussion about parenting and it wouldn't do anybody any good. 

I recorded myself singing this song the other day.  I wrote it after a unique experience I had. I really wanted to turn that experience into something I could keep  and share.  Maybe it will mean something to you. 

Technology is sometimes quite beyond me and makes me cry. I couldn't get the video I uploaded to play BUT if you click on the link above the video it will take you right to the video I made and put on Vimeo. I couldn't get it to upload from my ipad onto youtube. What the?!

So, if you'd like to watch and listen, click on the link above the picture.

https://vimeo.com/152740483

Have a lovely day.

(I need emoji's on my computer so I could put a flower or a smiley face or something here)

11/11 at 11:11

{I had to document this moment. The 11th month, the 11th day, the 11th hour, the 11th minute}

I've been getting myself untangled from a mental trap.

I've been working on untangling myself for a couple of months now.

It's a trap that has kept me from being creative or doing things that I love. 

I think it is a universal law that if you don't create or do what you love you will get sick. I thing it is a universal law that if you don't let yourself pursue what you are passionate about you will get depressed and you won't be living the life you were meant to live. 

I know this because I've done this to myself. I've held back. I've avoided taking action for fear of failing or looking dumb or weird. 

I think it's time to be done with that way of living.

It isn't healthy. 

I like healthy.

I spend lots of time energy and money on getting myself healthier.

I've been feeling way better these day. I think I'm untangled. 

I feel free and happy most of the time. 

I think its all the good stuff I've been eating but even more than that I think it's all the good stuff I've been thinking and feeling and reading.

I think it's all the drama and negative stuff I haven't been letting my self think. 

 {the mountains across the valley. I live in a beautiful place}

I took a hike yesterday and saw an old truck I've never noticed before. It's crazy I haven't noticed it because I've walked this path for years. This summer it's been covered up with grass and shrubs.  Fall has made everything die back and exposed it. Something about the light yesterday must have made the colors pop out at me. 

I hiked down to it to get a closer look at this truck that seemed to appear from nowhere. 

It's obviously been here a while. Proof being the big bush growing from it. 

I love the colors of this old truck. I love the shrub growing up out of where the old engine is.

I don't want to be like this old truck. 

Stuck. Motionless. A shrub growing where it's engine used to rev and hum.

I've known people who are stuck. Weeds in their engine. I think sometimes I've been that stuck person.

It feels like I need to rev up my engine and get moving before the weeds swallow me up. 

I've been believing more and more that it is safe to make mistakes. It's safe to be imperfect. It's safe to try things and be a little messy at it. It's OK. Everything is going to be OK and you don't know what the future holds. 

There is something liberating in that. 

Life has thrown me some surprising twists the past few months. 

I've liked it for the most part.  It is somehow freeing knowing I don't know much. I like knowing that I can just do the best I can with the limited insight I have and leave the rest to God.

"Let go and let God"

That might be a cliche but it still feels like a relief to me.  

I'm trusting that all the trouble in the world and in my own community will work out. 

I'm having faith that all things will work together for our universal good. 

God can make good come from the "bad" stuff.

 In the end it's all good. 

A blog post I forgot to write

 Today is November 11.

 The 11th day of the 11th month. 

It's my Uncle Gary's birthday today. Happy birthday Uncle Gary. I love you. 

He died before I was born but is still a loving force in my life. 

It's also Veterans Day. Today is a significant day. 

Today there are no blossoms on the trees, they are shedding their leaves. But I forgot to tell a story that is precious to me. 

I'll tell it now and bring the blossoms back. I'll take you to that day in March when I was the singer on the stage and you were the face in the crowd smiling back at me receiving the music lovingly.  

The magic and misery of this my musical journey is teaching me. 

Just keep going, create and try because not creating will drain the life from you.

Sing and speak. 

Shine your light. 

It turns life into a dance instead of a fight.  

 March 28th, 2015. My son's 11th birthday and my brother's birthday too. 

March 28th of 2015 I did a show at my dear friend's Studio. Ryan and Emily Miller and their brothers have created a magical musical haven and I was lucky enough to have their support in putting on a show there. 

There is Bridget playing the Cello. I love you Bridget. Ryan on the guitar and vocals and all the techie stuff like the lights and projector and fog machine and loop pedal. 

The man can multi task!
Then Emily on the violin and vocals. I know we've been friends forever even though we've only been friends for a few earth years. 

Ryan had a picture for every song. I even got to use the sweet picture I have of Gwenyth asleep on me. I took it right after I wrote Reprimand and added that line "sleep on me so I can hear you breath" because of this moment.

I love looking at this picture and picking out the faces of friends and family that I love. 

I sang and spoke for about an hour and a half. It was very satisfying and exciting and felt so good. I wasn't sure if I could really do it. 

The fear and nausea and worry were quickly gone as soon as I sang the first song. 

I sang Threadbare first. The picture if of me singing the first song. I'm glad cameras can't capture  nervous energy on film. 

I sang Possible.

I love that song. I loved writing that song. It was so satisfying to have Ryan create a guitar part that it deserved. 

We hadn't ever done that song together. A couple of years before, Bridget and I performed that song at the Bountiful Summerfest. I loved it then too but I'm not the guitarist that Ryan is. He has a gift. I can't wait to record that song for real! I don't know when that will be. 

I also sang one of my favorite Cold Play songs. 

Fix You.

It was fun to sing that awesome song even though I wondered if I was cool enough to sing a Cold Play song. I decided that I could sing it with heart and soul so that is enough for me. Ryan harmonizes with me and I love the way we sound. 

I sang lots of other songs from my CD and some extra ones that aren't on my CD, like Nearer My God to Thee. 

Something really cool happens when I sing and really relax and speak and be myself on stage. I feel more and more connected to heaven. I feel the truth intensely. This time the truth that came through was that this life is a very valuable educational experience. This life is school. We all get to take certain classes and try on certain roles and certain jobs and its valuable but it is just school.  It isn't the full reality.  It isn't the full eternal picture. It istn' the full truth. We need to be a mostly blind and deaf to the eternities to really get the full benefit of this earth school. This is a an idea that I already knew but when I am singing from my heart I can feel and understand things I already know but in ways that I didn't already know. Does that make sense?

By the end of the show I felt this odd feeling. It felt as if many in the audience had previously agreed to be there for me and that I had previously agreed to be a voice for all of us. To speak up and sing of things we feel and think and want to rejoice about.  It felt like they had previously agreed to help give me courage and faith in my myself and my journey. It felt surreal and like we were all playing out a scene that we had agreed to in some pre-earth life meeting. It was a strange sensation.

That night was deja vu on steroids. 

I got my Cd's all printed and made up in time for the show. 

I even sold some! We sold tickets to our show to help raise funds to support Ryan's studio. 

We split the ticket earnings. Earning money from singing songs that I've written and performed was an awesome feeling. I didn't want to spend it, I just wanted to keep it in a special bag in my special desk and know that it was there. 

I did eventually spend it, but only on special things. 

That screen shot it of a painting that I love. It's by Brian Kershisnik. That's me in the blue. It's you too. We are so loved and heaven is there to help us. 

That night I got a wonderful surprise. 

Ryan and Emily bought me a large framed version of this painting. I felt so undeserving. Isn't that funny how it is hard to receive gifts sometimes? 

This painting goes perfectly with my song Threadbare. You can hear it on iTunes . 

Now it hangs above my grandmother's desk where I love to sit at and write. 

I've needed to look back on March 28th. I haven't been recording or writing or performing for what feels like too long. Only by doing and taking action can I really get better and grow. I want to grow, even if it does scare me and hurt a little. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Back to the present day. 

It's November and November is beautiful too. 

{Thanks for listening}

October 24th

LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES of Peace. 

Learn to unwind whenever possible, resting in the Presence of your Shepherd. 

This electronic age keeps my children "wired" much of the time, too tense to find Me in the midst of their moments. 

I built into your very being the need for rest. 

How twisted the world has become when people feel guilty about meeting this basic need! 

How much time and energy they waste by being always on the go rather than taking time to seek My direction for their lives.

    I have called you to walk with Me down paths of Peace.

I want you to blaze a trail for others who desire to live in My peaceful Presence. 

I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses, which amplify your need for Me. Depend on Me more and more, and I will shower Peace on all your paths.

Psalm 23:1-3; Genesis 2:2-3; Luke 1:79

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

why you came

There is so  much more to us than meets the eye

I'm going to figure it out.

 Sometimes as I try to figure it out I get more puzzle pieces and get information that feels so true. 

Other times I try to figure it out I just get confused and mad. That's when I scrub the toilets and shine the windows and scrub out the fridge. 

As I scrub I get bursts of simplicity and clarity on the simple things that bring me peace and direction and then as I keep scrubbing my friend calls and reminds me that I need to pay the fee so I can go with my daughter on her choir trip as a chaperon.

I would have forgotten and missed out on a chance to love and have fun with my daughter. 

Taking action with the mundane seems to get the wheels moving in all the other parts of life. 

It leads me to the fun stuff and the parts of my life that are magic and meaningful. 

There is so much more to me than I can comprehend at once.

When I sleep my dreams are incredibly detailed and I experience them as an amazing adventure.

I wake up with a haze surrounding the complete story or meaning of the "dream".

I wake up delighted or in awe or laughing with the humor of what I remember of it.

 Where do I really go? 

What am I really doing as I sleep?

 It seems so much more than just dreaming. 

"When we lie down to sleep,our minds are often as bright as an angel… They will range over the earth, visit distant friends, and, for aught we know, the planets, and accomplish great feats; do that which will enhance our happiness…and prepare us for celestial glory; but when we wake in the morning, it is all gone from us; we have forgotten it. …This is right; were it different, where would be the trial of our faith?"

 Brigham Young in Journal of Discourses 1;351-52

Have you ever felt that way when you wake up? 

Like you have just returned from an incredible journey? 

Have you ever felt so tired like you were busy all night as you slept? 

I think if we remembered it fully we wouldn't be able to do our life in this physical dimension. 

I think all that information might drive us mad because it would get lost in translation from the infinite the finite. 

Things can get jumbled up in translation from the infinite to the finite. 

I'm realizing how I am the creator of my reality.

I decide how I'm going to feel and what I'm going to do no matter what I think at the time I really am the one who is in charge.

When I choose and choose and choose and choose to keep only looking for the love , looking for the light. 

Only love only love only love. 

If my eye be single I can see the other as a temporary mirage and not the forever truth. 

Trust yourself.

Trust the personal process of life that you are choosing.

Trust the seeds you have planted.

Trust that it is all working together for your growth. 

Growth is what you want.

It's why you came.

~