I miss my grandma. She lives far far away in the land of my day dreams. Georgia, sweet Georgia. She will be 90 next month. When I was little I used to spend a week every summer at her house in Las Vegas. I got to fly there all by myself and stay there all by myself. She would take me to Circus Circus. She would take me shopping and buy me anything I wanted. I'd swim all day in her pool and she'd bring me those big orange and yellow Popsicles. She always had Chef Boy R D Ravioli's in the pantry. I used to love those. She made me feel like I was so special. I remember when my grandpa still worked as an engineer at Nevada Power. One morning when he was leaving for work he said good by to us as we were at the breakfast table. My grandma pulled him down by his tie and gave him a good kiss. It made me so happy to see them in love. I'm sure he'll be so happy when she finally joins him on the other side. I really want to go see my grandma and stay there all by myself and be her little grand daughter again.
This is a random post but that's OK right? It's my random mind and my random blog.
Emmaline is on a step in this picture. She is not a giant. Her director Suzie was wonderful!
My 2 oldest daughters were in their school musical. Emmaline was Mulan. When she auditioned I never thought she'd get the lead. Then I heard her sing "Reflection" and I thought she sounded so sweet. She is about 10 times braver than I was that age. I never would have had the guts to audition for anything! She has built in confidence and she doesn't embarrass easily. She gets it from her dad.
There is my sparkly AnnaKate. She was a dressmaker in the play and was adorable. She is quite the little drama queen and I'm sure she'll be a movie star some day ;)
Emmaline with one of her very best friends. Her mom is one of my very best friends so that works out nice. Her mom is the one who asked me to sing the solo last January which led to the discovery of my brand new voice! Thanks again Leilani :)
Emmaline's middle name is Helen after my Grandma. I really miss my grandma, I already said that.
Here she is with one of her leading men
Here she is with her other leading man. Their characters fell in love in the play so I told him to put his arm around her for the picture.
I recorded a song at O.S.S. last week. It was so fun. I'm going to record another one tomorrow. I can't wait. Danny better not be too busy. He is playing the guitar for this one. Danny, please drop out of school. You don't need it anyway. Your big music brain doesn't need to go through the motions of getting a degree. You're already awesome enough.
That is the back of Zions Canyon. Those 3 peaks are called the 3 Patriarchs
These pictures don't do the red mountains justice. They looked so beautiful with the snowy ones in the back ground.
We went to St. George to visit my sister and her family for a few days. Spring break was fun but on the drive home the kids were winy and fighting and I said what I always say when we take a trip. "We are never taking a trip with these kids again!" Nate of course said "Didn't you just tell your sister we'd be back in a few weeks?" At one point all 5 of them were crying and telling Nate he was the meanest dad in the world for taking their stuff and putting it on time out. Honestly, traveling with kids can be so awful. It felt marvelous to come home, send the kids to school and have 2 1/2 hours of alone time. I even made yummy tacos for dinner and my kids even ate them without much complaint. Making dinner lately has been a challenge for me. It's not that I don't like to cook and clean its just that I don't like cooking 3 meals a day plus snacks then cleaning up. My laundry is out of control. How in the world does this happen? I feel like I'm doing laundry every single day? How does the laundry chute get clogged and I have yet another mountain to fold? Working hard and seeing my house work undone is at the root of much of my frustration with my job.
After dinner I went to a Relief Society meeting. David Baxter was the speaker. He is from Scotland. His accent is so pleasant on the ears. His humor is witty and delightful. Best of all he knows the gospel of Jesus Christ in it's purest form. He is a general authority in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. His talk was so beautiful. I wish I could put a copy of it on my blog but he didn't have it written down. He did not prepare in advance, he just got up there and spoke from his heart. It was so pure. After his talk I went up to shake his hand. I told him I loved his talk so much I wanted to give him a hug and a kiss. Yes. Yes, I said that to a general authority. Why? Why do I say these things out loud? At least I didn't say all of what I was thinking. While he was speaking I was thinking "I love him! If we lived in France it would be acceptable to kiss both of his cheeks! I'd like to kiss both of his cheeks."
When I was talking to him after he was saying how him and his wife have been struck by how judgemental the members of the church in Utah can be. He told me of a young man that wanted to serve a mission but while in the MTC (Missionary Training Center) he had a "mental collapse" from all the stress. He came home and his ward assumed he must have come home because of some grave sin. He is now attending another ward because he felt judged and scrutinized. I found it so interesting to hear the Baxter's perspective. They have lived all over the world so they have a broader perspective than me.
There is this thing that happens in Utah. There is the Mormon culture and then there is the true gospel of Jesus Christ. Sometimes we get the two confused. It's sad really. The gospel in its purity is so healing and so lifting. Parts of the culture on the other hand can be so......... not healing. Parts of the culture can make it feel like there is only one way to be and if your not just that right way then there isn't a place for you. It is too easy to fall into the trap of comparing your self and judging yourself and worst of all, judging others. I really think there is so much in our little Utah Mormon culture that people confuse for the gospel. I have a friend that lives in Illinois. She said she'd never want to live in Utah because it's too "mormony". She is a Mormon! She said she would go crazy with all the competition and comparison that some women do within the church in Utah. I know what she is talking about. I have definitely been the one to be like "Oh, now she is doing right! Her kids are so smart and well behaved and I know she doesn't yell or swear when her husband is out of town." (my husband assures me that these "perfect" women most certainly do yell and swear) I also feel kind of bad on the rare occasion when I show up to church and all my girls have perfect hair and they are wearing nice dresses (not the Punky Brewster outfits they usually put together) and I have on a new outfit. I feel like I'm probably making some woman feel bad because she just couldn't pull it off that Sunday. I feel like I need to explain myself and reassure them that I got the outfit on sale and I had to bribe my girls to wear those dresses and I just got lucky with them allowing me to do their hair and you should have seen the mayhem last Sunday!
Last month I went to the Relief Society birthday dinner. It was awesome but It kind of gave me a panic attack.
Notice the servers in their matching aprons. Those cakes were so pretty and so delicious! Can you tell how long that table is? Full of amazing homemade cakes by the women in my neighborhood!
Martha Stewart herself would have been proud of the decor and food. The whole time I was in shock at the amount of work and care that went into the decorations, food, matching outfits for the servers. Look at those old men in their matching green vests! I was saying a silent prayer. "Please Heavenly Father, never put me in charge of a party like this. I'll use paper plates and have it catered. I could never nor would I want to try to organize something like this! "
One thing I am learning is that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be like anyone else. He just wants me to be my best self. He is the one who can help me see the very best version of myself. The thing that he has done for me is given me so much love and loved me just the way I am right now. When he surrounds me with his love I really believe I am precious. Love heals everything. God's love liberates and empowers. It makes me feel like I can do anything he asks of me. It makes me feel like anything is possible. And yes, I have a little song about that too ;) I'll sing it for you sometime.
Back to my St. George weekend.
My sister's baby loves me. I was her favorite person. She let me hold her and hug her and kiss her and play with her. I guess she's not a baby, she is almost 3. You should see the way she says slide. It is indescribably cute! And the way she says bar-b-q sauce and ketchup. Oh Melissa, you need to get it on video, but if you can't I'm sure its's all saved and waiting for you. I wrote a little song about that too. It's video #25
My sister has lots of strengths that are my weaknesses. I am getting much better at not comparing my weaknesses to her strengths. We can really help each other because we have different strengths. I love being with her. It makes me want to be better. It also makes me want to go shopping.
This Friday is another open mike. I guess I'm going. If you want to come hear me feel free. 150 north 400 east in Bountiful at the Community of Christ Church. 7pm. I couldn't go last time but I heard there were some great musicians that came. I will have to keep reminding myself, "they have their strengths, I have mine" and not compare my weaknesses with their strengths. I must be brave and I must wear extra deodorant.
April 15, 11
I won't be going to the open mike. Something more fun has come up and I just can't miss it. Go hear the other musicians! I'll let you know when I go the the next one.
I feel blocked and I don't know why. Is it me? Is it something I'm doing or not doing? Am I waiting around when I should be doing? But what should I be doing? Or should I be waiting? Or should I be doing something entirely different than what I'm trying to do? What the heck is wrong???
I was thinking about the last time I felt really blocked. It was last summer. At that point I was writing 2 or 3 songs a week. I was on roll. Then, I felt blocked. I felt like nothing was right. Nothing was good enough. I couldn't figure out what I needed to do so I did nothing. Then when I tried to fix my "everything is wrong feeling" that didn't work either because nothing was good enough and everything was not right! I was freaked out because I couldn't write a song. I'd start and I'd get one verse and it'd sound like a great beginning then nothing..........I couldn't finish a song. It made me worry. Just like my song writing skill magically appeared in my life was it magically going to disappear? The day before we were about to leave for a weeks vacation I decided I was going to stay up late and figure out what was wrong in my head and write a song if it killed me. It felt like I had to re learn how to write a song that night.
Step 1: Don't run away from your uncomfortable emotions, sit still in them. Step 2: Sit still in your uncomfortable emotions long enough that they can turn into thoughts Step 3: Let the thoughts turn into words that you write down
Most important step Step 4: Don't judge yourself. don't edit your self. Be honest even if you sound immature and selfish (you must be alone so no body can hear you. Then you won't worry about anyone else judging you. My family was sound asleep)
Here is the song I wrote that summer night. It is called I Surrender
I hope you can understand the words. If not let me know and I'll type them out next time. The process of writing this song helped me realize I was paralyzed and unhappy because I was wanting everything to be perfect. Perfection isn't going to happen in this life. This song helped me move on and accept who I am and what my life is right now. I think I need to do that today. I'm feeling a bit on the grouchy side today. It's snowing for one. The house is always a mess for two. I'm just overall bugged. I wish everything I did was better but it's not. I just have to accept what is right now and keep trying to improve. I need to accept my messy house for now, I have 5 young kids with lots of friends. I need to accept the snow even if it is April, I live in Utah. I need to accept that all my projects for the house take time and money, take it one step at a time. I need to accept the fact that I can't please everyone, I just need to please God.
I think my 4 steps I use to write songs are the same 4 steps I take when I'm trying to figure problems out in my life. These steps help me process all the tricky details and feeling that life creates. They're good for more than just song writing.
I don't have time right now. I'm just going to post real quick anyway.
Swim Away. Take a listen if you like. I wrote this song last April. Jill, my lovely sister in law invited my twins over to play and my other 3 darlings were at school so I was home alone. I was feeling very happy and wanted to learn to play my new adorable ukelele. Jill, rememer you asked me what I did while the twins were there and I told you I was on the phone buying a new iphone? I was, but then after that I wrote this song and then came and picked up the twins at your house. Thanks for giving me the time to float away into dream land :)
I recorded this little diddy on Saturday. Can I tell you how much I love going to Onion Street Studio.
I love singing and all that. I love recording my stuff for real and not just in my bathroom on my iphone, but what I really love is having the support and friendship of Melissa, Kurt and Brett. They get me and they get my music and that really feels good and reassuring.
This is me and Gwenyth the day I wrote Reprimand. I had just finished writing the song and Gwenny came in and snuggled up to me and fell asleep. I picked up my notebook next to me and added the line "sleep on me, I can hear you breathe" Then I took this picture with my iphone. I loved this moment and I feel so grateful to have captured a bit of it in this song and in this picture.
Today is my son's birthday. Luke, my boy is 7. He stayed home from school because of a stomach bug. I adore my sweet boy. He is such a precious gift to me. He came right in between my 2 sets of girls. He was my big fat boy. He'd sleep and sleep and sleep. I got so much done when he was a baby. I'd hike and garden and do pilates, plus caring for my daughters and home. He has continued to be such a mellow go with the flow kind of child. He is sweet and loving and all boy. I love to watch him on the soccer field. He is so much like his wonderful father.
I'm his favorite. He has always been a mama's boy
He is such a kind gentle and heroic big brother
I never had to worry about him getting too rough with my baby twins. He'd just lay with them and talk to them.
Here he is all big and 7. He said "I like this picture, I look like a prophet. My head is glowing"
My friend Diane sent me this quote after she watched my Jupiter song.
".....surely those who have passed beyond, can see more clearly through the veil back here to us than it is possible for us to see them from our sphere of action. I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separated from them....we are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors, to our friends and associates and co-laborers who have preceded us into the spirit world. We cannot forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties we cannot break...[They] can see us better than we know them. They have advanced; we are advancing; we are growing as they have grown; we are reaching the goal that they have attained unto; and therefore, I claim that we live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever." (Gospel Doctrine: Selections from the Sermons and Writings of Joseph F. Smith (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1978), 430-431)
Diane thank you so much, keep the quotes coming my way! You and my mom are fountains of wisdom.
I have had many experiences in my life that have taught me that we really do have angels around us. I know many of my family and friends who have had beautiful experiences. It's not some rare thing that only happens once in a life time. If your heart is open you can feel your angels love every day.
How about a song. I wish the quality of the recording was better. I hate how I sound fuzzy.
I just tried to record It Won't Be Long. It took me 6 tries!!!! 6!!! It's almost 1am. I know this song perfectly. It's really easy to play and the words just repeat themselves. I have sung it perfectly at the open mic.
It's full of mistakes and I was going to give up. Nate called up from downstairs. "Don't give up" So I just kept going. It's not perfect but I hope you get my meaning and feel the truth of it.
Here are the words in case you couldn't understand me It Won't Be Long
I passed the devil on the street today
handsomely disguised
he recognized me I recognized him
handsomely disguised
but I saw his eyes and they burned with hate and lies
turn around turn around
he says to me without a sound
but I saw his eyes
so I pass him by
you can't fool me
with your cheap disguise
you know I have the eyes to see your cheap disguise
And it hasn't been long since I've flown with angels
no it hasn't been long since I've flown with angels
I know there's only one way for me to get brave and strong
I gotta be down here choose the right from the wrong
I passed the devil on the street today
handsomely disguised
he recognized me I recognized him
handsomely disguised
but I saw his eyes and they burned with hate and lies
turn around turn around
he says to me without a sound
he knows I see his eyes so he tells me lies that I want to believe that are just for me lies just for me that I want to believe
but I hear the angels and I know their song
I feel the angels with their love so strong
I hear the angels and I know their song
I feel the angels with their love so strong
and it won't be long no it won't be long
I gotta be so brave and strong choose the right from the wrong
and it won't be long
no it won't be long!
Last night I was thinking about which song I want to sing on my blog next. I can't pretend that I don't like doing this. I do like doing this. I love telling stories and writing and singing songs feels like telling stories. I do wish I could be more relaxed when I sing in front of real live people that I love. I'm sure I'll eventually get desensitized.
I have been thinking about how grateful I am to have discovered a creative outlet. Motherhood is really hard and so much of it is completely out of my control. My kids are there own little people. They make their own choices . I can't control them. Some of the time it feels like Nate and I are failing as parents. I don't know if my kids are harder than the average kids. Is there an average kid? My twins for instance seem extra feisty. I don't know if they really are or if it's because there are 2 of them. One is gasoline and the other is a match. Boom!
Sarah Caroline. Isn't that a lovely name? She is named after Nate's Grandmother and Nate's Mother. Both lovely amazing women. For now, my little Sarah is the death of me. Yesterday for instance, she was hungry. She wanted to stop at "Ric Donald's" for some chicken "nuggies". I told her I just bought dino nuggies from Costco, let's go home and have those and I'll make you a slushy! She started to prepare for freak out fit lift off. I really didn't want to listen to her scream. I went to "Ric Donald's" . In the drive through she starts screaming for sprite. I reminded her she wanted me to make her a slushy. She said she wanted a slushy AND a sprite. I'm feeling mad by now. I tell her no. We drive home with her screaming and kicking. Gwenyth is plugging her ears saying "she's so annoying! she's so annoying!" (Sometimes Gwenyth say's "annoising" I think that's a great word combo.......annoying + noisy = annoising.) It's torture for both Gwen and I to listen to her scream and plead. Then we get home and she kicks and hits us. Then I take her up to time out which is really hard because she is big and wild. I give her a good pinch on the way up the stairs from mommy's "pinchy crab" (sometimes it's the only way to get her attention. Don't judge me.) She comes out screaming again. I put her back. I'm out of breath and all worked up. Finally she chills out.
The next time she asks me for something that she wants, that I want to say no too, I'm just going to say no. She is going to find something, anything, to scream about anyway so I might as well draw the line where I want it.
For the record, this morning she has been an absolute doll. She slept in, ate all her breakfast. Let me do her hair, got herself dressed and has been saying funny things and making me laugh. I asked her just now to take the popcorn bowl to the the sink. She said very seriously "I can't. I hurt my arms." I asked how, she said "da dog bit dem"
Tabitha is 11 pounds of pure love. So Sarah blaming her "hurt" arms on the dog really made me laugh.
You gotta taste the bitter with the sweet I guess. I hope she grows out of her crazy fits soon!
I love you Sare Bear
I'll post a song soon. I tried to this morning but then I talked too long on the video and then the house got noisy and I really need to do the laundry and make dinner for once!
I'm back. It's now 10:30 pm. I did cook dinner and I even made cookies! I didn't do the laundry :( I just made a video of me singing Jupiter
I made a video of me giving the story behind Jupiter this morning. I always have a story and I love to tell my little stories. If you are sick of my little stories then you better not come back to this blog because I'm just going to keep telling them. :)
This video is the story about the song. Don't skip it. It's a happy story.
Jupiter sounds better in person. I love this simple little song and I hope you do too.
Here is a video I made last night. The sound isn't matched up with my mouth but the song sounds good enough. I'll be trying to make a better video when ever I get a quiet moment...........that doesn't happen too often.
This song is called How I Hope
In this video I sing a song called I Don't Watch the News and Messy House
OK, well here are my first attempts at posting myself on YouTube and my blog. Have mercy. I'm sure I will get faster and better at this whole process, right?
Lori, thank you so much for sending me the web cam!!! I still need to send you a check. I've been spending all my free time trying to mess around with technology and such, so I have neglected to do a few things like send you a check and take a check to the school for my kids empty school lunch accounts!
