forward motion

Here is what I've been up to and what I've been thinking about the past couple of weeks.
 (In case you were wondering)

We went boating in Hyrum with close friends. It was very relaxing and fun. Except for when Sarah got stuck under the tube...... (I might write about that whole drama later. Not up for it now)

The kids are  Back to school. :)  I am not a mother who cries on the first day of school, maybe cry for joy.......sometimes this fact makes me feel like a sub par mother. I was talking to my bishop and his wife and she and another mom were saying how they cry when their kids go back to school; How it's so sad to see them go because they have so much fun all day with their kids. I was depressed already at my lack of mothering skill so the fact that I rejoice when my kids go back to school made me wonder out loud, "what kind of mother does that make me if I'm relieved and happy when the majority of them all head out the door?"  My bishop called me the next day to tell me that he wanted me to know that just because I was happy to have my kids back in school didn't mean I was a bad mom. He said motherhood and life just feel different to all of us. The fact that he'd call from work and be so kind made me cry. It felt like a tender mercy from God. 

I've been feeling happy to be in a routine

I've been realizing just how anxious and sad I've been because  now I feel  much more contentment with my life.

Having fun with my kids, especially my twins while the big kids are at school. We have been playing school, store, house. Going the park, buying them fun clothes, getting frozen custard daily.

Enjoying the weather

Taking guitar lessons again. 3 lessons so far. Guitar lessons for me are more like lessons in humility. Being humble and teachable. Setting my pride aside and asking Danny to show me one more time. Pushing away my embarrassment at my slowness to learn and just try. Really try. Try harder than I have in the past. 

Writing a song called silver compass. It's my new favorite. Whatever song I'm writing at the time is my favorite but I really like this one. 

Agreeing to sing 2 solo's in church. A solo in Sacrament meeting (I have never sung a solo in Sacrament meeting) in October, and then in December singing Oh Holy Night at the Relief Society Christmas party.

Wanting a better camera

Wanting my blog videos not to look so cheap :/

Enjoying my friends. I've missed you girls.

 doing laundry. It's fun with my new washer and dryer :)

 listening to AnnaKate practice for auditions for her school play. Dang she's cute. 

enjoying Luke's cute boyish ways

Watching Em being so grown up and pretty.

 Feeling the Lord guide the little details in my life.

This is how I've been feeling about the music part of my life.

"Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get no where"   Thank you Sara Bereilles

"Caught between the depths of my fears and the peaks of my pride"   Thank you Amos Lee

"I am dripping wet with things to understand"   Thank you Lori Mckenna

I'm trying to be legit. I'm trying to do things that make me feel like I can take myself seriously. I'm really trying to learn how to play the guitar but....

Heavenly Father, I think you missed a spot.

In my brain.

The spot where my brain connects to my hands and my hands connect to my heart and my heart connects back to my brain in this flowing electric circle that would allow me to play the guitar or the piano or have any kind of rhythm.

I've been practicing a lot. As much as a mother of 5 can without neglecting what really matters. 

I am thinking maybe He didn't miss a spot,  maybe I have a glitch in my thinking when it comes to my ability to play the guitar. Maybe I'm hanging on to some false belief that is halting my progress. Belief is powerful.

Thoughts are powerful.

Maybe I'm hanging on to old beliefs that I've held since I was a little girl.
(I'm slow to learn, I should be excused from this activity because I'm just not good at stuff)

Maybe these "truths" are in fact false. 

I've done this before.
With my voice. 
Maybe the same will be true with learning an instrument.
Maybe.


I've had this post written for a long time but haven't been able to bring myself to publish it.
I'm not sure of all the reasons why.
I have my theories. I over think everything so I always have my theories.
I think I'll just publish it so my life feels like it's moving forward and not sitting stagnant like an unpublished post.

I'm feeling better

I really am.

 Maybe it was crying to my mom on the phone. 

Maybe it was a cloud of off kilter chemistry in my blood stream that is now back on kilter.

 Maybe it's the apologizing. Maybe it's the repenting. 

It's probably all of the above. I am feeling better.

 I had fun with my kids last night. I actually liked them (not just loved them). 

Just wanted to get that out there since I published my depressed state on the world wide web. 

I'm glad my mom and my husband are not regular readers of my blog.

 That post would have made them squirm. 

A long time ago when I was only 22 I met Sister Keddington. We were both missionaries at the Nauvoo Visitor Center in Nauvoo Illinois. Her name is Catherine but when you're serving a mission you call each other Sister (last name) I was Sister Samsel. 

Here we are pretending to be pioneers. 

Our pioneer ancestors who both lived in Nauvoo in the 1840's were even friends! Her Great Great (I don't know how many greats) grandfather Heber C. Kimball was friends with my Great great...... Grandfather Luke S. Johnson. 

And there we are......friends,  living in Nauvoo in 1996.

Anyway, getting sidetracked. 

 Catherine is a beautiful writer. A published beautiful writer. Her most recent post expresses so well what I feel as a mother. Her words are worth reading and will feed your head and heart. 

Well I think it's about time to post my Morris family vacation picture post wrap up.

I am on top of the laundry. It's never done but It's under control so that means I have time. My kids are enjoying their last couple days of no school. 

They have adjusted to our new strict limited media lifestyle. I'll have to talk more about that later too.

there is no other way to say it

monday


It's 5pm. 

Where did this day go?

 I've been giving myself this day to be lazy and rest from the past 2 weeks away from home. 

I have gotten lots of laundry done and directed the kids as I made them un-pack their own bags.

 The house was so clean when we got home.

When we walked in, instantly by our presence alone it is messy. 

That's just going to have to be OK.

 I have some fun pictures from our Morris family reunion.

 It was a fun trip.

My camera battery is dead so I'll post picture later.

 I have big plans for myself over the next week.

It's only one more week till school. 

I must de-tox from all my gluttonous vacation eating.

 I must do yoga or take a hike.

 I have almost given up exercise this summer. 

I've traded it in for sleeping in, reading and praying.

 I am not pious.

 I am just tired, hungry and needy. 

I've been thinking about how if it's not going to be perfect then i don't want to do it.
 If I can't hire a contractor to design my mud room then I don't want to do it at all.

If I can't spend what ever I want to decorate my house right then I don't want to do it at all. 

This all or nothing way of thinking and living.

If I'm going to be mediocre at singing and songwriting then I don't want to do it at all....

or  at least I don't want to do it in front of anyone.
I'll just do it for me.

Do you ever think this way? 

I don't think it's the most helpful way of living life. I think it's kind of a crippling way of living life.

I think it makes me freeze in my tracks.

I think it makes me want to give up or not try at all.

Maybe that's why I'm not very good at much

I quit piano when I was 10. I thought it was too hard and not fun and I wasn't good at it.

tuesday


 I 'm glad I was a home body yesterday. I'm glad  I  just did laundry and unpacked and hung out in my yoga clothes but never did the yoga. I needed it because today has been consumed with running my kids here there and everywhere.
 I tell you, I don't know how a selfish person like me wound up with so many kids and a life in which most of my time is not my own.

wednesday 


I'm so depressed. There is no other way to say it.
The past 4 days I have hated being a mom.
I love my kids.
I hate disciplining them and being the one that has to teach and correct and put them on time out and say no and make them go to lessons and make them brush their hair. And make them do their chores.
They fight with each other. They want to do the opposite of what I tell them.
It is so exhausting.
I want to find a way out of here.
Or better yet I want my kids to go to boarding school.
If you have kids I think you will not judge me for typing such sacrilege.
My kids are relentless and incessant.
Their needs and demands are overwhelming to me.
I am weak.
I am tired.
I have my own needs.
I have things I need to do.
I am in the refiners fire of motherhood and it is burning all the selfishness right out of me and it hurts.
I keep trying to find some way out of this fire.
I yell.
I cry.
I swear.
In front of my kids.
I feel guilty.
I am guilty.
My mom says kids can take a lot if you apologize and let them know it's not there fault that I'm depressed and hate my life this week.
I hope that's true. I better be getting busy on all my apologies.


So, how are you? You want to see pictures of our trip?
I'm still not done with the laundry so I'll post them later.
I'll never be done with the laundry.
I am a ray of sunshine.

Georgia through my iphone camera

I hope my Grandma was pleased with how the services went. 

My grandma's friend and Pastor Debra did a wonderful job conducting the services and speaking.

My mother spoke and she couldn't have been more perfect in my opinion. 

This is Stephanie, me and Georgia. They were my 2 of my grandma's caretakers.

Stephanie would turn up the music real loud and  dance Zumba to make my grandma laugh. 

My sister and Catherine, my grandma's caretaker. She took care of her the longest. 

Doesn't she look perfectly southern in her dress and hat.

She was a wonderful friend and companion to my grandma.

We all feel so much gratitude and love for her.

I wish I could think of the perfect gift to send her.

Her and her husband's burial plot is just across from my grandma and grandpa's. 

My grandma lived in a wonderful loving close community. We had enough food to feed an army. I ate my share. Lot's of fried chicken and pimento cheese sandwiches, pecan pie, butter beans, pink eyed peas (I thought there were only black eyed peas) Georgia peaches with cream, pound cakes. Yum. I ate non stop. I could really go for a pimento cheese sandwich about now. 

We had to keep the 12 kids busy.

 My aunt Sandra and Uncle Terrell have a beautiful pool.

It's puppy dog heaven at my Aunt's and Uncle's house.

3 of my dog Tabitha's siblings live at my Aunt's.

My kids love them all but were still missing Tabitha.

The day after the funeral we all felt a sense of relief. 

Uncle Terrell is an excellent pilot and took me and Sam (my sister's oldest) and Emmaline flying in his 

air conditioned plane.

Uncle Terrell let Sam and Emmaline have a turn being copilot. 

They each had a turn flying the plane, turning, going up or down.

I didn't expect this to scare me so bad.

I liked it when he flew, not the kids. 

Emmaline almost wet her pants 2000 feet in the air. 

We landed just in time and Terrell dropped her off at the little building at the small airport with the bathroom. 

Georgia is so beautiful.

We also went to Lake Blackshear where my aunt and uncle have a vacation home. 

There are real alligators that live in this lake.

 Supposedly they stay up river away from all the people so 

nobody got eaten this trip.

We didn't come to the lake house prepared to swim, 

 but before we even knew it Sam and Zach were in their undies swimming across the lake. 

Then all the kids were in their undies and tank tops swimming in the warm murky water. 

I think for me this was the best part of the trip.

It was so spontaneous and fun.

The kids were so happy and loving each other.

I sat there watching them with the nats swarming my face and the bugs biting my legs in a state of contentment and real happiness. 

My Luke was in heaven with his big boy cousins

The outdoor shower was a great way to wash up after the swim in the lake.

It was all going so well until Jack got soap in his eyes and  panicked and tripped on the hose in his attempts to run from the soap.

He smacked into the metal pipe so hard I thought my brother would be taking him to get stitches. 

Luckily he just hit his tooth so hard it knocked it back but not out! 

We even got to to eat at one of my favorite places in Georgia.

Daphne's Lodge

My wonderful Aunt Sandra with her daughter Taylor.

Porch swinging in the south

My cousin Taylor who is really the little sister I always wanted. 

Love you sis.

 We are going to have to plan a sister's retreat and come hang out with you in Alabama when you go back to school.

at least now I know why I was so mad

We are back. We flew back yesterday. Today I'm a little sad and feel like moving in slow motion. I am moving in slow motion. I have had breakfast and second breakfast. I'm sipping my peppermint tea and planning on not pushing myself today. We only have this one day before we head off on another family trip. It's our Morris family reunion at the Lake. You can't really call it a reunion though since we are never not united. We see each other all the time. I must be honest and admit I'd love to have a vacation all by myself. Just one day would be nice. I'd sleep and read and eat and practice the piano and sing and play the guitar. To go a whole day without anyone asking anything of me, that would be a vacation.

The Georgia trip for my grandma's funeral was intense. I was bombarded by every emotion. I was surprised and confused by how I felt. Nate woke me up Tuesday morning and gently told me my dad called to tell us my grandma had just passed away. Nate got on the phone and bought tickets to fly out to Georgia that night. He went to work to get some things in order. My sister in law Ali came over and told me she'd take my kids so I could pack. I'm so glad Ali has moved back from Denver. She is the type of woman that knows how to make every situation better. As I was packing for my kids and me I was feeling annoyed. Then I was feeling more annoyed. Then I was feeling resentful. Then I was feeling mad. Then I was feeling really resentful and mad.  I didn't know why I was feeling so mad. I didn't know why I was feeling so resentful. I didn't even know who I was mad at. Driving to the airport I was icy and walled off. The only person I liked was Ali who drove us to the airport. When my kids talked to me I expended the least amount of energy possible in my reply. When Nate spoke to me I didn't look at him. My reply was as brief as possible. AnnaKate and I sat by each other on the plane while the rest of the family sat several rows ahead. Every request she made sounded like fingernails on a chalk board. I was polite and nice enough. I tried to retreat inside myself and ignore everything. My grandma lives 2 & 1/2 hours south of Atlanta so we had to drive on the dark misty Georgia roads to her house. Finally by this time Nate was getting his fill of my icy ways. He said very kindly. "Kris, could you stop being so hostile to me?"  Hmmmmm. I was being hostile? Is that how I felt to him? What was wrong with me? He bought us all expensive air tickets to Georgia for my grandma's funeral. He had just taken 4 days off work that he couldn't afford to take. He was lugging and carrying bags and driving the rental car and being nice to the children and to me.........and I was being hostile towards him?......what's wrong with me. Why am I feeling these horrible feelings of resentment and anger?  We arrived at my grandma's house about 2:30 a.m. Put the kids to bed. I went out into the living room and stood there looking around like it was my first time there. I felt swallowed up in the sadness that all of this was going to be undone. The living room furniture that was so feminine and so her was going to all be separated and given away or sold. Maybe my mom or my aunt or even I might want a piece of furniture but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be all together in her living room with her rugs and her books and her pictures. Nate came in the living room to bring me to bed. I told him how sad I was. He looked a little mystified and sad by my sadness. We got into bed. He fell asleep in less than one minutes like he always does. I started to cry. I was trying to be quiet. I didn't want to wake him. I needed him to be well rested so he could have the energy to pick up all my slack. I cried so hard it was hard to breath. My throat felt constricted. I felt so guilty. I felt so sad. I felt like I didn't do enough for my grandma to let her know how much I loved her. I felt like I didn't send enough pictures. I didn't come out to visit enough. I didn't send enough gifts. I didn't show her enough how much I loved her and how much I missed her over the years. I felt like a failure. Just when I thought I'd cried enough and could breath I was overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and anger. Why? Who was I so mad at? .............THEM!  I'm so mad at them.  My kids have required almost all of my energy, almost all of my time. My kids have kept me from visiting. Worst of all my kids have almost completely taken away my role as her granddaughter.  There just wasn't time anymore for me to be her granddaughter when I had my children to take care of. They took that from me and I was mad! I cried again till it was hard to breath. Then the worst. I was even mad at............Nate. Being his wife comes before any relationship in my life. My relationship with Nate is the most important human relationship. The only other relationship before him is the one I have with God. I was mad that I needed to consider his feelings every time I wanted to fly off to see my grandma I had to consider Nate's schedule, Nate's opinion on spending that kind of money. Nate's needs and ability to handle the children and run the household on his own while I went off to be her granddaughter ( I never did fly off by myself, always took the family). Even when we did go visit I never got enough one on one time with my grandma. I had to keep my kids from climbing the furntiture or breaking something.
So I  discovered the reasons behind all the anger and resentment I was feeling. I am not proud of these hostile feelings I have towards the ones in my life that are most dear. I'm not proud but I am relieved to know what and why I was feeling this way so now I can start the work of processing them and letting them pass through me and finally letting them go.  I don't want them in my body. I only want light and love in my body.  

Goodbye for now to my wonderful Grandmother

My grandma died this morning. 

We are flying out to Georgia

Her funeral is on Friday

In case you were planning on coming to hear me sing on Friday I just wanted to let you know I won't be there. 

I will be with all my family celebrating my Grandmother's wonderful life. 

She turned 90 this May

I miss you already Grandma

First Date Day Part 2

 Sundance Resort is a beautiful place. Wow

Here we are before the concert started. 

Lori Sang so beautifully.

 Seriously she plays the guitar so beautifully.

 The tunes she writes on the guitar are so beautiful. 

I've said that word 3 times but it's true.

 I loved listening to the stories she shared. She is a great story teller.

 After the concert was over she stayed up there and if you wanted to go meet her you could!!!

 I did not know this was going to be the case.

 I was wishing and hoping we could meet her but didn't know. 

I was squeezing her shoulder so hard. She is so little and cute.

 I'm glad I didn't wear heals. 

I told her she sounded beautiful  and thanked her for coming to Utah. 

I told her how much I loved her music and that I had all her CD's. 

I told her she inspired me and gave me courage.........

I WISH!

 I WISH I WOULD HAVE SAID ALL THOSE TRUE AND RATIONAL THINGS!

Let me show you what really happened.

I kind of lost my grip on reality. 

I was so shocked and happy I got to go up there and meet her I sort of freaked out a little.

All the times her music or an interview of hers has helped  me move forward came flooding into my mind. 

I felt like she was my good friend but I wasn't hers. 

That felt weird and I didn't like it. 

She didn't know who the heck I was. (again, that felt really weird. How could she not know we are like best friends! I mean tight!)

  And there I was crying and saying............. I don't even know what I was saying. 

I know I talked too fast and intense. 

Look, she is touching my arm in that picture. :)

I wish I could have a re-do of that moment, and have it in slow motion so I could remember everything and say what I wanted to say. 

Be in the moment and not cry.

 Teary eyed would be fine but not cry where your voice goes shaky and squeaky.

Here I am screaming and trying to get a grip on myself for the picture.

She is laughing.

 I felt amazing in this moment. 

Can you see it on my face? 

I can. 

As I was walking away I was saying to Nate, I wish I wouldn't have cried.  

A nice lady who went to hear her sing Thursday and Friday night (why didn't I think of that?!!!) came up to me and said when she met her the night before she lost it and cried too. 

That made me feel better. 

Nate and I stayed in our own little beautiful cabin in the woods.

With a river rushing behind it. The sound was so nice to fall asleep to.

And a sky light over our king size comfy bed.

As I was falling asleep I could see one tiny star. 

And a deck to listen to the river and the birds and read the paper.

It was very romantic and dreamy and we were in love. 

We are always in love but isn't it the greatest when you know how much in love you really are......