there is no other way to say it

monday


It's 5pm. 

Where did this day go?

 I've been giving myself this day to be lazy and rest from the past 2 weeks away from home. 

I have gotten lots of laundry done and directed the kids as I made them un-pack their own bags.

 The house was so clean when we got home.

When we walked in, instantly by our presence alone it is messy. 

That's just going to have to be OK.

 I have some fun pictures from our Morris family reunion.

 It was a fun trip.

My camera battery is dead so I'll post picture later.

 I have big plans for myself over the next week.

It's only one more week till school. 

I must de-tox from all my gluttonous vacation eating.

 I must do yoga or take a hike.

 I have almost given up exercise this summer. 

I've traded it in for sleeping in, reading and praying.

 I am not pious.

 I am just tired, hungry and needy. 

I've been thinking about how if it's not going to be perfect then i don't want to do it.
 If I can't hire a contractor to design my mud room then I don't want to do it at all.

If I can't spend what ever I want to decorate my house right then I don't want to do it at all. 

This all or nothing way of thinking and living.

If I'm going to be mediocre at singing and songwriting then I don't want to do it at all....

or  at least I don't want to do it in front of anyone.
I'll just do it for me.

Do you ever think this way? 

I don't think it's the most helpful way of living life. I think it's kind of a crippling way of living life.

I think it makes me freeze in my tracks.

I think it makes me want to give up or not try at all.

Maybe that's why I'm not very good at much

I quit piano when I was 10. I thought it was too hard and not fun and I wasn't good at it.

tuesday


 I 'm glad I was a home body yesterday. I'm glad  I  just did laundry and unpacked and hung out in my yoga clothes but never did the yoga. I needed it because today has been consumed with running my kids here there and everywhere.
 I tell you, I don't know how a selfish person like me wound up with so many kids and a life in which most of my time is not my own.

wednesday 


I'm so depressed. There is no other way to say it.
The past 4 days I have hated being a mom.
I love my kids.
I hate disciplining them and being the one that has to teach and correct and put them on time out and say no and make them go to lessons and make them brush their hair. And make them do their chores.
They fight with each other. They want to do the opposite of what I tell them.
It is so exhausting.
I want to find a way out of here.
Or better yet I want my kids to go to boarding school.
If you have kids I think you will not judge me for typing such sacrilege.
My kids are relentless and incessant.
Their needs and demands are overwhelming to me.
I am weak.
I am tired.
I have my own needs.
I have things I need to do.
I am in the refiners fire of motherhood and it is burning all the selfishness right out of me and it hurts.
I keep trying to find some way out of this fire.
I yell.
I cry.
I swear.
In front of my kids.
I feel guilty.
I am guilty.
My mom says kids can take a lot if you apologize and let them know it's not there fault that I'm depressed and hate my life this week.
I hope that's true. I better be getting busy on all my apologies.


So, how are you? You want to see pictures of our trip?
I'm still not done with the laundry so I'll post them later.
I'll never be done with the laundry.
I am a ray of sunshine.