We are back. We flew back yesterday. Today I'm a little sad and feel like moving in slow motion. I am moving in slow motion. I have had breakfast and second breakfast. I'm sipping my peppermint tea and planning on not pushing myself today. We only have this one day before we head off on another family trip. It's our Morris family reunion at the Lake. You can't really call it a reunion though since we are never not united. We see each other all the time. I must be honest and admit I'd love to have a vacation all by myself. Just one day would be nice. I'd sleep and read and eat and practice the piano and sing and play the guitar. To go a whole day without anyone asking anything of me, that would be a vacation.
The Georgia trip for my grandma's funeral was intense. I was bombarded by every emotion. I was surprised and confused by how I felt. Nate woke me up Tuesday morning and gently told me my dad called to tell us my grandma had just passed away. Nate got on the phone and bought tickets to fly out to Georgia that night. He went to work to get some things in order. My sister in law Ali came over and told me she'd take my kids so I could pack. I'm so glad Ali has moved back from Denver. She is the type of woman that knows how to make every situation better. As I was packing for my kids and me I was feeling annoyed. Then I was feeling more annoyed. Then I was feeling resentful. Then I was feeling mad. Then I was feeling really resentful and mad. I didn't know why I was feeling so mad. I didn't know why I was feeling so resentful. I didn't even know who I was mad at. Driving to the airport I was icy and walled off. The only person I liked was Ali who drove us to the airport. When my kids talked to me I expended the least amount of energy possible in my reply. When Nate spoke to me I didn't look at him. My reply was as brief as possible. AnnaKate and I sat by each other on the plane while the rest of the family sat several rows ahead. Every request she made sounded like fingernails on a chalk board. I was polite and nice enough. I tried to retreat inside myself and ignore everything. My grandma lives 2 & 1/2 hours south of Atlanta so we had to drive on the dark misty Georgia roads to her house. Finally by this time Nate was getting his fill of my icy ways. He said very kindly. "Kris, could you stop being so hostile to me?" Hmmmmm. I was being hostile? Is that how I felt to him? What was wrong with me? He bought us all expensive air tickets to Georgia for my grandma's funeral. He had just taken 4 days off work that he couldn't afford to take. He was lugging and carrying bags and driving the rental car and being nice to the children and to me.........and I was being hostile towards him?......what's wrong with me. Why am I feeling these horrible feelings of resentment and anger? We arrived at my grandma's house about 2:30 a.m. Put the kids to bed. I went out into the living room and stood there looking around like it was my first time there. I felt swallowed up in the sadness that all of this was going to be undone. The living room furniture that was so feminine and so her was going to all be separated and given away or sold. Maybe my mom or my aunt or even I might want a piece of furniture but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be all together in her living room with her rugs and her books and her pictures. Nate came in the living room to bring me to bed. I told him how sad I was. He looked a little mystified and sad by my sadness. We got into bed. He fell asleep in less than one minutes like he always does. I started to cry. I was trying to be quiet. I didn't want to wake him. I needed him to be well rested so he could have the energy to pick up all my slack. I cried so hard it was hard to breath. My throat felt constricted. I felt so guilty. I felt so sad. I felt like I didn't do enough for my grandma to let her know how much I loved her. I felt like I didn't send enough pictures. I didn't come out to visit enough. I didn't send enough gifts. I didn't show her enough how much I loved her and how much I missed her over the years. I felt like a failure. Just when I thought I'd cried enough and could breath I was overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and anger. Why? Who was I so mad at? .............THEM! I'm so mad at them. My kids have required almost all of my energy, almost all of my time. My kids have kept me from visiting. Worst of all my kids have almost completely taken away my role as her granddaughter. There just wasn't time anymore for me to be her granddaughter when I had my children to take care of. They took that from me and I was mad! I cried again till it was hard to breath. Then the worst. I was even mad at............Nate. Being his wife comes before any relationship in my life. My relationship with Nate is the most important human relationship. The only other relationship before him is the one I have with God. I was mad that I needed to consider his feelings every time I wanted to fly off to see my grandma I had to consider Nate's schedule, Nate's opinion on spending that kind of money. Nate's needs and ability to handle the children and run the household on his own while I went off to be her granddaughter ( I never did fly off by myself, always took the family). Even when we did go visit I never got enough one on one time with my grandma. I had to keep my kids from climbing the furntiture or breaking something.
So I discovered the reasons behind all the anger and resentment I was feeling. I am not proud of these hostile feelings I have towards the ones in my life that are most dear. I'm not proud but I am relieved to know what and why I was feeling this way so now I can start the work of processing them and letting them pass through me and finally letting them go. I don't want them in my body. I only want light and love in my body.
The Georgia trip for my grandma's funeral was intense. I was bombarded by every emotion. I was surprised and confused by how I felt. Nate woke me up Tuesday morning and gently told me my dad called to tell us my grandma had just passed away. Nate got on the phone and bought tickets to fly out to Georgia that night. He went to work to get some things in order. My sister in law Ali came over and told me she'd take my kids so I could pack. I'm so glad Ali has moved back from Denver. She is the type of woman that knows how to make every situation better. As I was packing for my kids and me I was feeling annoyed. Then I was feeling more annoyed. Then I was feeling resentful. Then I was feeling mad. Then I was feeling really resentful and mad. I didn't know why I was feeling so mad. I didn't know why I was feeling so resentful. I didn't even know who I was mad at. Driving to the airport I was icy and walled off. The only person I liked was Ali who drove us to the airport. When my kids talked to me I expended the least amount of energy possible in my reply. When Nate spoke to me I didn't look at him. My reply was as brief as possible. AnnaKate and I sat by each other on the plane while the rest of the family sat several rows ahead. Every request she made sounded like fingernails on a chalk board. I was polite and nice enough. I tried to retreat inside myself and ignore everything. My grandma lives 2 & 1/2 hours south of Atlanta so we had to drive on the dark misty Georgia roads to her house. Finally by this time Nate was getting his fill of my icy ways. He said very kindly. "Kris, could you stop being so hostile to me?" Hmmmmm. I was being hostile? Is that how I felt to him? What was wrong with me? He bought us all expensive air tickets to Georgia for my grandma's funeral. He had just taken 4 days off work that he couldn't afford to take. He was lugging and carrying bags and driving the rental car and being nice to the children and to me.........and I was being hostile towards him?......what's wrong with me. Why am I feeling these horrible feelings of resentment and anger? We arrived at my grandma's house about 2:30 a.m. Put the kids to bed. I went out into the living room and stood there looking around like it was my first time there. I felt swallowed up in the sadness that all of this was going to be undone. The living room furniture that was so feminine and so her was going to all be separated and given away or sold. Maybe my mom or my aunt or even I might want a piece of furniture but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be all together in her living room with her rugs and her books and her pictures. Nate came in the living room to bring me to bed. I told him how sad I was. He looked a little mystified and sad by my sadness. We got into bed. He fell asleep in less than one minutes like he always does. I started to cry. I was trying to be quiet. I didn't want to wake him. I needed him to be well rested so he could have the energy to pick up all my slack. I cried so hard it was hard to breath. My throat felt constricted. I felt so guilty. I felt so sad. I felt like I didn't do enough for my grandma to let her know how much I loved her. I felt like I didn't send enough pictures. I didn't come out to visit enough. I didn't send enough gifts. I didn't show her enough how much I loved her and how much I missed her over the years. I felt like a failure. Just when I thought I'd cried enough and could breath I was overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and anger. Why? Who was I so mad at? .............THEM! I'm so mad at them. My kids have required almost all of my energy, almost all of my time. My kids have kept me from visiting. Worst of all my kids have almost completely taken away my role as her granddaughter. There just wasn't time anymore for me to be her granddaughter when I had my children to take care of. They took that from me and I was mad! I cried again till it was hard to breath. Then the worst. I was even mad at............Nate. Being his wife comes before any relationship in my life. My relationship with Nate is the most important human relationship. The only other relationship before him is the one I have with God. I was mad that I needed to consider his feelings every time I wanted to fly off to see my grandma I had to consider Nate's schedule, Nate's opinion on spending that kind of money. Nate's needs and ability to handle the children and run the household on his own while I went off to be her granddaughter ( I never did fly off by myself, always took the family). Even when we did go visit I never got enough one on one time with my grandma. I had to keep my kids from climbing the furntiture or breaking something.
So I discovered the reasons behind all the anger and resentment I was feeling. I am not proud of these hostile feelings I have towards the ones in my life that are most dear. I'm not proud but I am relieved to know what and why I was feeling this way so now I can start the work of processing them and letting them pass through me and finally letting them go. I don't want them in my body. I only want light and love in my body.
I just have to say that you are an amazing person, wife, and mother. I am in awe of what a wonderful person you are and I am so sorry for the emotions that you are going through. Praying for you friend and sending you love.
ReplyDeleteI understand those feelings and started to cry as I read your words because that is exactly how I felt. I had those with my Grandpa, Aunt and of course my father. I still feel that way sometimes when I look at pictures of them or wonder about their lives. All the information I could have recieved from them and took it for granted that they would always be there. I also get upset that my kids will never know the wonder people that were so important in my life. Death is a hard thing. Always remember that you can pray for help in the days that are hard. But try to remember the things you loved about her and share them with your children through words or a small scrapbook with pictures and her best reciepes. And since you are so talented maybe a song. My heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
jennie
Sweet Kristen - your honesty here is palpable. And beautiful. I'm amazed you could actually process it like you did, that you know yourself so well you could understand your feelings. Having a family is the ultimate sacrifice. It requires more than anything else will. Our all. And once we make that choice we no longer live sovereign - sometimes to our own undiscovered feelings of resentment or loss. I would guess if your Grandmother could hear you she would put her arms around you and tell you, it was enough. All of it. You are enough. Just as you are. I love you.
ReplyDeleteAndrea, Jennie and Catherine,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your wonderful words of understanding and comfort. They mean so much and carry love right to me right when I need it. Love you all so much