forward motion

Here is what I've been up to and what I've been thinking about the past couple of weeks.
 (In case you were wondering)

We went boating in Hyrum with close friends. It was very relaxing and fun. Except for when Sarah got stuck under the tube...... (I might write about that whole drama later. Not up for it now)

The kids are  Back to school. :)  I am not a mother who cries on the first day of school, maybe cry for joy.......sometimes this fact makes me feel like a sub par mother. I was talking to my bishop and his wife and she and another mom were saying how they cry when their kids go back to school; How it's so sad to see them go because they have so much fun all day with their kids. I was depressed already at my lack of mothering skill so the fact that I rejoice when my kids go back to school made me wonder out loud, "what kind of mother does that make me if I'm relieved and happy when the majority of them all head out the door?"  My bishop called me the next day to tell me that he wanted me to know that just because I was happy to have my kids back in school didn't mean I was a bad mom. He said motherhood and life just feel different to all of us. The fact that he'd call from work and be so kind made me cry. It felt like a tender mercy from God. 

I've been feeling happy to be in a routine

I've been realizing just how anxious and sad I've been because  now I feel  much more contentment with my life.

Having fun with my kids, especially my twins while the big kids are at school. We have been playing school, store, house. Going the park, buying them fun clothes, getting frozen custard daily.

Enjoying the weather

Taking guitar lessons again. 3 lessons so far. Guitar lessons for me are more like lessons in humility. Being humble and teachable. Setting my pride aside and asking Danny to show me one more time. Pushing away my embarrassment at my slowness to learn and just try. Really try. Try harder than I have in the past. 

Writing a song called silver compass. It's my new favorite. Whatever song I'm writing at the time is my favorite but I really like this one. 

Agreeing to sing 2 solo's in church. A solo in Sacrament meeting (I have never sung a solo in Sacrament meeting) in October, and then in December singing Oh Holy Night at the Relief Society Christmas party.

Wanting a better camera

Wanting my blog videos not to look so cheap :/

Enjoying my friends. I've missed you girls.

 doing laundry. It's fun with my new washer and dryer :)

 listening to AnnaKate practice for auditions for her school play. Dang she's cute. 

enjoying Luke's cute boyish ways

Watching Em being so grown up and pretty.

 Feeling the Lord guide the little details in my life.

This is how I've been feeling about the music part of my life.

"Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get no where"   Thank you Sara Bereilles

"Caught between the depths of my fears and the peaks of my pride"   Thank you Amos Lee

"I am dripping wet with things to understand"   Thank you Lori Mckenna

I'm trying to be legit. I'm trying to do things that make me feel like I can take myself seriously. I'm really trying to learn how to play the guitar but....

Heavenly Father, I think you missed a spot.

In my brain.

The spot where my brain connects to my hands and my hands connect to my heart and my heart connects back to my brain in this flowing electric circle that would allow me to play the guitar or the piano or have any kind of rhythm.

I've been practicing a lot. As much as a mother of 5 can without neglecting what really matters. 

I am thinking maybe He didn't miss a spot,  maybe I have a glitch in my thinking when it comes to my ability to play the guitar. Maybe I'm hanging on to some false belief that is halting my progress. Belief is powerful.

Thoughts are powerful.

Maybe I'm hanging on to old beliefs that I've held since I was a little girl.
(I'm slow to learn, I should be excused from this activity because I'm just not good at stuff)

Maybe these "truths" are in fact false. 

I've done this before.
With my voice. 
Maybe the same will be true with learning an instrument.
Maybe.


I've had this post written for a long time but haven't been able to bring myself to publish it.
I'm not sure of all the reasons why.
I have my theories. I over think everything so I always have my theories.
I think I'll just publish it so my life feels like it's moving forward and not sitting stagnant like an unpublished post.