General Conference

This weekend is General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I watched it all day Saturday and will watch again all day Sunday.

It is food for my soul, mind, heart. It is fuel and peace and comfort for my life. It is a heavenly pep talk while I rest from the work of life. It gives me the rest and the motivation to get back up, go back out and live my life closer to Christ. I study and listen over and over for the next 6 months until the next conference.

seeing my voice

The voice I found 5 years ago I seem to have placed on a shelf… for the most part.  It was a gift I so enthusiastically and gratefully developed when I was 36 and now that I'm 41 I'm wondering what I do next?

Life's responsibilities and quandaries and my own health has taken all my time and energy. 

I don't really have the heart to sing and write the way I did 5 years ago or even 2 years ago.  

My brain has been in a bit of a fog. Between the health issues and my own questions and puzzles I've been feeling like I'm wandering through a dark forest. There are some beautiful things to be enjoyed in this dark forest but I sure feel lost sometimes. 

Hopefully, it feels like my energy is starting to come back and I think I've found the help and answers I need get back to feeling healthy again. 

Maybe I'll feel creative again. 

Maybe I'll feel like I can concentrate long enough to re-learn all I have forgotten on the guitar and ukulele.

 I'm feeling the desire to complain about my lack of talent and memory when it comes to playing musical instruments. 

I'd like to complain that I don't have time because of my kids and the way they drop everything on the floor then go to school and then come home and drop more things on the floor and leave dishes and food everywhere and then they have all these needs and they need me to take them to the store and then they get sick and they need Popsicles and soup and for me to take them to the doctor. 

I'd like to complain that I'm not that good at delegating and getting my kids to help and that I'm not that organized and I have too much stuff that I don't know how to keep it all in the right places. 

I'd like to complain but I'm turning a new leaf and only thinking positive thoughts and having hope for the future and keeping all this in perspective because in the eternal scheme of things whats a few dishes in the sink and kids stuff all over the floor. Right? No big deal. First world problems. I can just focus on gratitude and flowers and rainbows and chocolate and just do yoga and meditate and pray all day long and all night long and leave the big messy house and go to lunch with my awesome girl friends all day. Right? Right. 

I'm trying to figure life out right now.

I'm trying to figure out what the heck my body needs to feel good. 

I'm trying to hear God everyday. 

I'm trying to find the right balance in my life. How much time do I devote to all that I know I want to do and learn? How do I do it and still keep my house in order and my kids loved? 

As you can see, these are hard math problems and I'm lost. 

I'm making light of my journey so I can just move on. 

There is so much I have been learning and doing and struggling with. 

I want to be true to myself right now and give myself credit for the deep things I've been learning and strugling to learn. 

It's no joke but it helps to laugh about it. 

I finished my 10 song CD in march and put it on iTunes July 1, 2015.

You can go buy it. 

I loved making it. 

I love the people I made it with. 

I like the pretty cover my best friend designed. 

I'd like to write more songs and record but I just haven't had the desire.

My mind and heart has been very much focused on where our world is headed.

Where is our world headed? Where is America headed? 

What is going on and why do things feel intense? 

Why do we all disagree so much? How can we feel and think so differently about the same situations and problems? 

I don't get it. 

I'm headed to the beach soon and I really need it.

The ocean can reprogram my brain and set it to 

"Be calm. You don't know anything but that's ok"

Maybe that will be my next song.

Love,

Kristen

He is trying to talk to you.

It's been a happy day in Facebook land today. 

My friend and I love to send each other all the gems we find. 

I loved this one she sent over. 

We live across the street from each other and would love to hang out all day while our kids are at school, however we are trying to be grown ups who are semi responsible. 

So we just watch Facebook and YouTube videos while we pretend to clean and cook and organize but really we flop on the couch and send each other all the fascinating, touching, moving  stories that are all over the Internet.

 No no no, we really are cooking and cleaning and being wonderful women and mothers, we've just mastered the art of watching videos and reading articles WHILE we are organizing and being amazing. 

What I'm trying to tell you is that HE is trying to talk to me.

He is trying to talk to you.

Hearing his voice in my day to day really does calm me down, just like that tiny, naked baby girl. 

I feel like her so much of the time. Do you?

September 22

      September 22

"Trust Me and refuse to worry,  for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks--or even tomorrow's.  So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. Because I am your Song, I can give you Joy as you work alongside Me.

Keep bringing your mind back to the present moment. Among all My creatures, only humans can anticipate future events. This ability is a blessing, but it becomes a curse whenever it is misused. If you use your magnificent mind to worry about tomorrow, you cloak yourself in dark unbelief. 

However, when the hope of heaven fills your thoughts, the Light of My Presence envelops you. Though heaven is future, it is also present tense. 

As you walk in the Light with Me, you have one foot on earth and one foot in heaven."

Exodus 15:2  ; 2 Corinthians 10:5 ;

Hebrews 10:23

Jesus Calling

Enjoying Peace in His Presence

by 

Sarah Young

In the Beginning

Hi.
My dear friend Kurt from Onion Street Studios made a little movie about my musical beginnings at his studio.

I can't wait for part two.
I love a good story.

I figured out why I was paralyzed and scared to do anything for fear of making a mistake.
I'll tell you that story when I get back in town. I'm going to Women's Conference. I need a good conference with women, about women, for women.

Hope you enjoy the video. I must catch this blog up to what I have been doing currently.
I will.

pre post in paralysis

Paralyzed. Stuck. Scared. I don't want to move for fear I'll make a mistake. I know I'm getting no where when all I do is sit and stare. Sara Bareilles says that in a song I think. I have so much to do but still I stare and space off while my kids are at school. My house never quite crosses the the mess to clean barrier. It stays somewhere in between. I must be some where in between as we'll. I'm grouchy and resentful with everyone and everything in my head. I can fake it and be nice and then I'll get a surge of sanity. I'll be able to make dinner or get some laundry done or be nice to my kids but then the paralysis creeps back in . I just stare and feel isolated and stuck. Even now as I type this I keep staring out the window, but I'm going to keep typing anyway, even if I do stare and space. Sitting here in my nightgown that used to be my grandma's. My grandma that I dreamt of 2 nights ago. She was really old in the dream and I was taking care of her. She held my hands and her hands were so soft. I woke up feeling like I had kind of been with her because of the feeling of her soft hands. Instead of being grateful I started to wish I could have a dream where she is young and healthy, like she is now in heaven. Then I feel bad for being ungrateful for the dream. I can't seem to make up my mind about anything. Right now I need to get in the shower and go buy tickets to my daughter's play before they sell out but I can't decide if I should take the time and hassle of washing my hair or if I can get away with one more day .

And can I just say that Motherhood leaves me dumbfounded. I can't even put it into words. I've typed 3 half sentences but deleted them because I can't explain how motherhood leaves me dumbfounded because I'm too dumbfounded to type it out.  Most days I'm just getting through it and hoping we will all forget the hard messy parts and remember the good moments . I get stuck in the conundrum of "Am I giving them boundaries and teaching them while still being loving and easy going?" It must be an impossible equation because I default into being so easy going that it bends over into letting them do what ever the heck they want. Or I'll default into the other extreme where I can't take their messy rooms for one second longer and I'm regretting my easygoing afternoons because now we have to do the whole homework packet in one night.

I've got to get a hold of myself. I've got to choose the higher thought path. I know what I need to do but I'm not doing it yet. I'm staring and typing and undecided about my hair being dirty or clean.

This post is a pre post. I'm now going to decide what to do about my hair and go buy tickets to AnnaKate's play! I will return here and do a real post this week. Yes. I'm committing myself to doing it this week. No more paralyzed staring into space.

Love,
Kristen

December 2014

There is so much going on in my head and in my heart and in my life. How can I capture it all on paper? How can I keep up with all the journal entries that I need to record and the miracles and beautifully interwoven, orchestrated, divinely guided relationships, events and footsteps of my life? How can I write a blog post that is from my heart that can translate to yours and do you some good? I don't know. This is my attempt.

I've had this idea in my head for a family picture. Us, standing on the crest of a hill with the bright blue sky behind us…

I found a park b my house with the perfect spot. We took a long and dusty hike to the crest of a steep hill… The clouds rolled in like a gray sheet. The wind blew our hair in our face. My vision for my family picture wasn't materializing. We took the pictures any way because I was determined. I hoped Darin could photo shop a fake blue sky in and I'd just accept our crazy hair.  We hiked back down the hill and took many other poses and family photos. Then we were done. As we were walking back to our car… the sun began to set, the clouds had all cleared away, the air was filled with golden light that was so beautiful, it felt like magic. We spotted a little hill that we easily walked up, posed quickly and Darin captured the picture that had been in my head, making it a physical reality. I was feeling so happy and grateful in this picture. Darin said, "Some one's prayers were answered"

 I knew who's.
Thank you Darin Brunner for being a great photographer.

I call this year's family photo 

"The Golden Blessing!"

The blessings masked as challenges have been plentiful the past couple of months. 

Motherhood. Oh my. It is an adventure that I am sometimes not well equipped for. Dec 1st I fell into the pit of despair. I think it was the combination of the lack of sunshine, colder weather, and most of all, some of my children struggling with life. Stuff I thought we had been making good progress on. It was discouraging and scary. I got so down. The kind of down that I was hoping I'd never be again. I got even more down because I was down again and I guess I had some naive hope that I would never slip that low again. I have been doing so well the past few months and feeling like I have learned so much about life and depression and how to grow out of it and here I was back in it! 

It is now the 12th of December. Things are working out. 

We have been praying, working, praying, getting answers, taking action. Praying, working, praying, getting answers, taking action again and again.  That must be the cycle of life? I love my kids so much. I never knew it would be this intense being a parent though. Heaven is helping me every day and that is the only way I can love it and grow in it too. Nate and I, and my kids are all growing up! Growing pains are part of it. 

I'm helping myself deal with the growing pains by running about once or twice a week. That isn't much but that's all the time I need to give to it to get the benefit from it. I go about 2 to 3 miles and it really helps me feel better in every way. I'm also helping myself by getting together with some dear friends. I love to have the time to sit and talk heart to heart. All other kinds of conversation feel empty, and like the glossy finish over the messy truth. Taking care of myself in these ways and other ways is critical for me. 

Onto the musical part of my life… The Miller's and I did a Christmas Concert on November 29th. We did it at Ryan's studio. It seats about 55 people. It was wonderful. I had to cry and be a basket case with my husband a few hours before the performance. That part of me that hates to put myself out there in any kind of way that implies I'm an entertainer who is now going to give you a show.... well, she freaked out and Nate helped talk her down off the ledge.  The night went so well and we all enjoyed it. The audience loved it too.
Another happy thing. I've been recording songs! Almost done with a 10 song CD. It's only taken almost 4 years…

So my self proclaimed job title, after Mother is,
Musician/Energy worker. They are pretty much a different expression of the same thing…

They both put a light on the truth and clear out old emotion, misunderstanding, and stuff that isn't serving us. Moving it through and out of the body. Ahhhh, you hear the truth, you get the chills, you start to cry, you relax, healing can begin. That is how a beautiful song reaches me and and how receiving energy work feels as well!

 I have had some appointments with people where I practice energetic/emotional massage and Reiki on them. Sound interesting? It is! I work to clear chakras of emotional blocks and then bring in Reiki energy or divinely guided life force energy to calm and relax the person. Relaxation allows the person's own spirit and intelligent body to heal itself. Our bodies are made to heal themselves and I'm like a happy assistant in the process.   I'm learning how I do energy work and what it looks like for me. It has been good! I've known and met some great teachers who have become my friends and  helped me remove some fear blocks that have kept me from using my own gifts. I've taken some classes and will continue to take more.  I have had the chance to work on some people and have had some beautiful experiences that have helped the people I've worked on and have taught me to trust myself.  I'm learning that in my mind's eye I can see things that can't be seen with my physical eyes. I'm seeing a spiritual reality that is all around us that we all can be quite blind to. I'm getting a glimpse of understanding that we are so much more than what we appear to be. It's making me love my Super Hero song all over again. I'm also in love with my song Thread Bare that I wrote a few years ago. It's  a song I wrote about the veil that separates the physical world from the spiritual world, getting thinner and "Thread Bare".  I am finally recording it! I love the way it is turning out! I love the guitar parts that  Ryan Miller has come up with. I wrote it using 2 chords. He has created 2 guitar parts that I love!

This Saturday I'm doing another Christmas "Share"…. (don't say show)
Ryan posted it on Facebook so people could reserve seats. There are only 55 seats and they went fast between our friends. I'm looking forward to it and I'm pretty sure this time I will just enjoy it and not need to cry it out a few hours before.
I hope your December is bringing you joy through the challenges and then more joy!
Merry Christmas!
Love Kristen Carol