Paralyzed. Stuck. Scared. I don't want to move for fear I'll make a mistake. I know I'm getting no where when all I do is sit and stare. Sara Bareilles says that in a song I think. I have so much to do but still I stare and space off while my kids are at school. My house never quite crosses the the mess to clean barrier. It stays somewhere in between. I must be some where in between as we'll. I'm grouchy and resentful with everyone and everything in my head. I can fake it and be nice and then I'll get a surge of sanity. I'll be able to make dinner or get some laundry done or be nice to my kids but then the paralysis creeps back in . I just stare and feel isolated and stuck. Even now as I type this I keep staring out the window, but I'm going to keep typing anyway, even if I do stare and space. Sitting here in my nightgown that used to be my grandma's. My grandma that I dreamt of 2 nights ago. She was really old in the dream and I was taking care of her. She held my hands and her hands were so soft. I woke up feeling like I had kind of been with her because of the feeling of her soft hands. Instead of being grateful I started to wish I could have a dream where she is young and healthy, like she is now in heaven. Then I feel bad for being ungrateful for the dream. I can't seem to make up my mind about anything. Right now I need to get in the shower and go buy tickets to my daughter's play before they sell out but I can't decide if I should take the time and hassle of washing my hair or if I can get away with one more day .
And can I just say that Motherhood leaves me dumbfounded. I can't even put it into words. I've typed 3 half sentences but deleted them because I can't explain how motherhood leaves me dumbfounded because I'm too dumbfounded to type it out. Most days I'm just getting through it and hoping we will all forget the hard messy parts and remember the good moments . I get stuck in the conundrum of "Am I giving them boundaries and teaching them while still being loving and easy going?" It must be an impossible equation because I default into being so easy going that it bends over into letting them do what ever the heck they want. Or I'll default into the other extreme where I can't take their messy rooms for one second longer and I'm regretting my easygoing afternoons because now we have to do the whole homework packet in one night.
I've got to get a hold of myself. I've got to choose the higher thought path. I know what I need to do but I'm not doing it yet. I'm staring and typing and undecided about my hair being dirty or clean.
This post is a pre post. I'm now going to decide what to do about my hair and go buy tickets to AnnaKate's play! I will return here and do a real post this week. Yes. I'm committing myself to doing it this week. No more paralyzed staring into space.
Love,
Kristen
And can I just say that Motherhood leaves me dumbfounded. I can't even put it into words. I've typed 3 half sentences but deleted them because I can't explain how motherhood leaves me dumbfounded because I'm too dumbfounded to type it out. Most days I'm just getting through it and hoping we will all forget the hard messy parts and remember the good moments . I get stuck in the conundrum of "Am I giving them boundaries and teaching them while still being loving and easy going?" It must be an impossible equation because I default into being so easy going that it bends over into letting them do what ever the heck they want. Or I'll default into the other extreme where I can't take their messy rooms for one second longer and I'm regretting my easygoing afternoons because now we have to do the whole homework packet in one night.
I've got to get a hold of myself. I've got to choose the higher thought path. I know what I need to do but I'm not doing it yet. I'm staring and typing and undecided about my hair being dirty or clean.
This post is a pre post. I'm now going to decide what to do about my hair and go buy tickets to AnnaKate's play! I will return here and do a real post this week. Yes. I'm committing myself to doing it this week. No more paralyzed staring into space.
Love,
Kristen
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