seeing my voice

The voice I found 5 years ago I seem to have placed on a shelf… for the most part.  It was a gift I so enthusiastically and gratefully developed when I was 36 and now that I'm 41 I'm wondering what I do next?

Life's responsibilities and quandaries and my own health has taken all my time and energy. 

I don't really have the heart to sing and write the way I did 5 years ago or even 2 years ago.  

My brain has been in a bit of a fog. Between the health issues and my own questions and puzzles I've been feeling like I'm wandering through a dark forest. There are some beautiful things to be enjoyed in this dark forest but I sure feel lost sometimes. 

Hopefully, it feels like my energy is starting to come back and I think I've found the help and answers I need get back to feeling healthy again. 

Maybe I'll feel creative again. 

Maybe I'll feel like I can concentrate long enough to re-learn all I have forgotten on the guitar and ukulele.

 I'm feeling the desire to complain about my lack of talent and memory when it comes to playing musical instruments. 

I'd like to complain that I don't have time because of my kids and the way they drop everything on the floor then go to school and then come home and drop more things on the floor and leave dishes and food everywhere and then they have all these needs and they need me to take them to the store and then they get sick and they need Popsicles and soup and for me to take them to the doctor. 

I'd like to complain that I'm not that good at delegating and getting my kids to help and that I'm not that organized and I have too much stuff that I don't know how to keep it all in the right places. 

I'd like to complain but I'm turning a new leaf and only thinking positive thoughts and having hope for the future and keeping all this in perspective because in the eternal scheme of things whats a few dishes in the sink and kids stuff all over the floor. Right? No big deal. First world problems. I can just focus on gratitude and flowers and rainbows and chocolate and just do yoga and meditate and pray all day long and all night long and leave the big messy house and go to lunch with my awesome girl friends all day. Right? Right. 

I'm trying to figure life out right now.

I'm trying to figure out what the heck my body needs to feel good. 

I'm trying to hear God everyday. 

I'm trying to find the right balance in my life. How much time do I devote to all that I know I want to do and learn? How do I do it and still keep my house in order and my kids loved? 

As you can see, these are hard math problems and I'm lost. 

I'm making light of my journey so I can just move on. 

There is so much I have been learning and doing and struggling with. 

I want to be true to myself right now and give myself credit for the deep things I've been learning and strugling to learn. 

It's no joke but it helps to laugh about it. 

I finished my 10 song CD in march and put it on iTunes July 1, 2015.

You can go buy it. 

I loved making it. 

I love the people I made it with. 

I like the pretty cover my best friend designed. 

I'd like to write more songs and record but I just haven't had the desire.

My mind and heart has been very much focused on where our world is headed.

Where is our world headed? Where is America headed? 

What is going on and why do things feel intense? 

Why do we all disagree so much? How can we feel and think so differently about the same situations and problems? 

I don't get it. 

I'm headed to the beach soon and I really need it.

The ocean can reprogram my brain and set it to 

"Be calm. You don't know anything but that's ok"

Maybe that will be my next song.

Love,

Kristen