today's thoughts

Keep it simple. Keep it real.

That's how I'd like to keep my thoughts today.
I'd like to keep my life that way. I'm out here in my new space with the last few minutes before the crowds come home. I love the crowds, but….

I don't often know what to do with the crowds. They come home with their agenda and requests and trauma and drama to report and I'm trying to welcome them home and listen but still direct and guide how the afternoon and evening needs to go between soccer practice and dinner and homework. 

I can easily lose my bearings, the demands outside of me and the demands inside of me can be so overwhelming.

I think I'd like to ramble on and let my thoughts go but I'm not sure what the point of that would be, other than freedom.
Freedom is a good point though...
 I'm not very grounded in reality at this moment in time though so a ramble could lead to regret.
I'm rather disconnected from my life at the moment. I've been hiding out and dodging my responsibilities. Anyone else know how to do that?

I think it's because my husband is going to be out of town a lot this month and I'm guarding my peace and quiet like a hermit in the mountains.

I cleaned all morning, digging out from the mess of the weekend. Then I was on the phone and getting texts and calls and visits. I have nothing against any of that but I hadn't even said my morning prayers or done the things I promised myself I would do so……

I put my phone on airplane mode and left it all by itself on the table and snuck out here with my little dog. 

I wrote a poem in my journal.

I prayed out loud while I stared at the sky.

I read from The Book of Mormon.

I fell asleep on my couch.

Now I'm awake.

I'd like to tell you what I did this summer,  musically.

I've not really posted my songs on Facebook much  or really talked about it here or posted pictures or videos of me singing.

I haven't wanted to.

I've wanted to sing for myself, sing for others,  record and write  but I haven't wanted to Facebook or blog or youtube about it. It seemed to be taking a degree of the enjoyment out of it for me.

It seemed like it implied a need for validation? 

Maybe I do need validation?

When I share my music or pictures I hope I'm doing it out of a spirit of sharing and giving something from my heart and not a spirit of needy praise seeking. 

So, out of a spirit of storytelling, keeping a history of my life, and sharing, I'll write about where I sang this summer.

In May I had a friend ask me to come speak and sing to his church youth group.

He wanted me to decide what I wanted to speak and sing about and gave me plenty of time.

In my church we call this a fireside. He asked me to do a  fireside.

I've never been asked to do this but I was very happy to be asked and not nervous at all.

For one, Ryan and Bridget said they would come play their instruments and Ryan would use his great sound system equipment.

For two, I was asked to come and speak from my mind and heart and sing and just be myself. 

I wasn't coming on the premise that I was an entertainer or an awesome musician.

I know I'm not either one of those things.

I'm pretty good at being myself and I love talking about things that are meaningful to me and I love singing from my heart and that is what I was asked to do and it felt like…

 a perfect fit. 

I had more fun doing that fireside than I have at any other time I've sung for a group.

The youth and their parents and leaders were quiet and attentive.
Standing up there with my good friends Ryan and Bridget felt fun and easy.

We were in a beautiful back yard with a view of the mountains .

It was lovely. 

These are pictures of us practicing in my backyard the night before.

I had two other opportunities to sing for groups of people and not just myself and my doggy.

My close friend has a sister's retreat every year with her sisters and sister in laws. 

They have always had a speaker or singer come and give them a little fireside.

She asked me to come and said the topic was family history.

One of my favorite topics ever.

Not that I'm a genealogist yet but I love learning about my family that came before me.

I know they are involved in my life and give me so much love and support.

I could talk about that all day.

I have a few songs on the topic of family and those that lived before us. Those we look back on in love and admiration and feel them reaching out to us from heaven. 

It was good to sing these 3 songs for this group of sisters.

My other very close friend spoke that night also on her feelings on family history and some of her experiences. 

It was so wonderful to be there with women that I love to talk about things that really matter and that are precious. 

You don't get to do that every day. So much of conversations are surface level and irrelevant. 

It is wonderful to dive below the surface and connect on a deeper spiritual level. 

That third opportunity I had was to sing at a Relief Society party.

I was asked to choose a couple of my songs that might pertain.

The topic I was given to help me in my song selection was a quote from a well beloved woman in my church.The wife of the former prophet,  Marjorie Pay Hinkley.

The quote is,

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed and with long perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. 

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. 

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping weed some one's garden.

I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. 

I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived"

Marjorie Pay Hinkley

As I was thinking about all the songs I have written and which one's would be fitting for that night and that theme and I started to wonder…

I wondered if I could turn that quote into a song.

I thought it sounded poetic and I loved the line "I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived"

I love that line because sometime I avoid life and don't really want to be here and ask if He could please come pick me up early because is is way worse down here than He told me it would be so come get me.

I would like to come to a place in my growth and maturity that I embrace life with all it's ups and downs and just really LIVE it FULLY. So these words of hers inspire me. I DO want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived!

This was in August when the kids were still out of school so the idea of having some quiet time to write a song wasn't very likely, but then, 4 days before I was to sing I suddenly had a quiet night.

It was only AnnaKate and the twins home. They were wrapped up in playing with their American Girl dolls and were getting along perfectly.

Miracle.

It was quiet.

Miracle.

I sat down with this happy unexpected gift of time and quiet! 

The happiness it gave me allowed for the song to flow nicely out of me.

Hooray! 

So that night I sang one of the very first songs I've ever written called Messy House.

A song to make them laugh.

And then I sang the new song

I think it could be called

I want the Lord to know.

A song to make them cry.

Both songs were very well received and relate-able and It was a blessing to be asked because it let me write a new song and that is a process that feels so good.

Thank you Cynthia and Robin for asking me!

Alright.

I think I've said what I needed to say…

It's turned out to be a very nice day and ended with a thunder storm this evening.

Could it be better? 

I'll be back.