In 2010 My twins were about 3 years old. Luke was about 6, AnnaKate, 9 and Emmaline 11. I had just discovered my love for writing songs.
I had also just discovered ways that I could strengthen my singing voice into what felt like to me, a brand new instrument with all kinds of potential.
I was a baby in these new found passions and budding abilities.
It seemed shocking to me at the time but I felt compelled to take these new hobbies seriously and share them way before I thought I was good enough to share them.
It felt as if writing and singing alone in my room for only my dog to hear pretty much defeated the purpose of creativity, even if the creations were young and naive and imperfect.
I had strong impressions to share what I was making.
Respect these budding talents and record my songs.
Share my heart.
As these impressions came they were filled with love from God.
Reassurance and joy.
I began to not just secretly write but I found a place to record and share what I was doing.
I even made my own YouTube channel and started making really poor quality videos from home.
I had also just discovered ways that I could strengthen my singing voice into what felt like to me, a brand new instrument with all kinds of potential.
I was a baby in these new found passions and budding abilities.
It seemed shocking to me at the time but I felt compelled to take these new hobbies seriously and share them way before I thought I was good enough to share them.
It felt as if writing and singing alone in my room for only my dog to hear pretty much defeated the purpose of creativity, even if the creations were young and naive and imperfect.
I had strong impressions to share what I was making.
Respect these budding talents and record my songs.
Share my heart.
As these impressions came they were filled with love from God.
Reassurance and joy.
I began to not just secretly write but I found a place to record and share what I was doing.
I even made my own YouTube channel and started making really poor quality videos from home.
I had 5 little kids so it was challenging to find the time to share.
It felt really really good to take a break from being mom and wife and just be this new Kristen I was discovering.
It felt really great to leave my kids with their loving dad while I went to guitar lessons or to the small local recording studio to work with my new friend Kurt as he himself was developing his budding talents as a sound technician and recording studio owner.
It was fun to go shopping and buy myself new clothes that were flattering and not worn out mom clothes.
It was exciting and scary and rewarding and fun and freaky all in one.
I felt compelled to keep going down this music path even though I was a busy mother of 5.
It felt really really good to take a break from being mom and wife and just be this new Kristen I was discovering.
It felt really great to leave my kids with their loving dad while I went to guitar lessons or to the small local recording studio to work with my new friend Kurt as he himself was developing his budding talents as a sound technician and recording studio owner.
It was fun to go shopping and buy myself new clothes that were flattering and not worn out mom clothes.
It was exciting and scary and rewarding and fun and freaky all in one.
I felt compelled to keep going down this music path even though I was a busy mother of 5.
Somewhere during this time my feet started to hurt.
I'm not one to try and tough things out so I bought myself better shoes with great support.
I stopped wearing anything uncomfortable no matter how cute the shoes were.
My feet felt a bit better and only at night when I would get in bed my feet would zing with electricity. Nothing could put pressure on them.
No socks no blankets.
I had to put a pillow under my feet and have light blankets loosely on my feet at night.
This made the weird electric sensations bearable so that I could fall asleep.
This went on for a couple of months without much relief.
I continued to buy only the best, comfiest shoes. I would get off my feet during the day to see if that helped.
I would take walks and easy hikes to see if that would help.
The pain and unexplainable sensations just got worse.
One night Nate was out of town on a business trip.
I had put the kids to bed and I got in my bed to go to sleep.
My feet zinged and complained if anything touched them.
I felt exasperated because I had done everything I knew how to do to feel better.
I sat up in bed and took my feet in my hands.
I had a heart to heart talk with them.
Or rather heart to feet talk with them.
I am a pro at talking to myself so talking to my feet felt natural enough.
In the past I had experienced pain in my wrist that had an emotional root so to me I knew this pain could be more than physical and maybe I could figure it out.
I was glad Nate was out of town so I could talk out loud.
I pleaded with my feet to tell me what they wanted.
"Feet. I love you. I have bought you the most comfortable and supportive shoes I can find.
They are not cheap and recommended by podiatrists.
I have soaked you and massaged you and gently exercised you.
I rest during the day and I make sure I don't stand on you too long.
I really want to take care of you but nothing I do seems to help.
If I go to the doctor for you I don't know what weird thing they could diagnose me with if I tell them I feel electric sensations in my feet.
It sounds bad and I don't want drugs or surgery.
I don't think doctors could pinpoint the real reason for these sensations.
Please tell me what you want.
Please tell me what I am not doing for you and I'll do it.
Please tell me what I am doing to cause this pain.
Am I causing this pain?
Please tell me!"
I felt better after this "conversation" I was tired enough that I could fall asleep despite the electric feet feeling.
I fell asleep and I had a very vivid dream.
In the dream I saw myself all dressed up with my long hair all curled and pretty.
I was driving home from some place where I had been singing and performing and recording.
I had asked my good friend Leilani, (isn't her name pretty. It means "flowers from heaven! It's true about her!) who I can always count on, to watch my kids until Nate go home from work.
I came in the door of my house and found the house dark and messy and nobody home.
This was strange since Nate should have been back from work by now.
I left the house to go search for my kids and Leilani and Nate.
I found my friend all dressed up with her hair all curled at the community park having a great time watching a baseball game that was well attended and exciting.
I asked her if Nate had gotten home and taken the kids someplace because nobody was home when I got there.
She had no idea and seemed to have forgotten that I had asked her to watch my kids till Nate got home from work.
Now I felt alarmed.
I had no idea where my kids were and she didn't either.
Nate was no where and my friend hadn't realized I was relying on her to stay with them till Nate got home.
I set out roaming the streets of this unfamiliar town I now found myself in.
As I was wandering and searching for my kids in a panic I noticed I was no longer wearing that cute out fit with my hair curled.
I was wearing my underwear and my old pink robe with the broken zipper.
My hair was in a messy pile on top of my head.
My robe was flapping open in the breeze as I wandered the crowded city.
I felt embarrassed and exposed!
As I was walking through the crowded streets I realized I was lost and I started muttering cuss words to myself.
Just as I was really swearing and getting mad at some dude that had bumped into me I realized the man I was cussing out was an old friend from junior high.
I immediately stopped cussing and was cordial and friendly and happy as could be.
As we parted ways I felt so ashamed he had seen me go from a cussing sailor to a sweet smiling social butterfly.
I was ashamed of myself for having such duality in my own nature.
How could I be so "bad" one minute and "good" the next?
I'd been caught and exposed as a mad swearing lady in her underwear and I tried to cover it up with smiles and social graces.
I got more and more lost.
Now the streets were empty and all the building were unfamiliar.
There were no cars, no people.
It was spooky.
I started to cry as I wandered alone.
What a terrible mother I had been.
I had left my little kids and now I had no idea where I was.
I hoped they were playing at a neighbors house or had gone home.
I hoped Nate had gotten home.
How could he be so unreliable?
How could my friend have forgotten to stay with my kids?
But really I knew it was my fault.
I was there mom and had left them to go off and perform and record.
I had let my priorities get out of balance and I had neglected what was most important to me!
It was then that I woke up in my pitch dark room alone in bed.
I was distressed but then relieved to realize that my kids were safe in their beds.
I grabbed my iPhone next to my bed.
I didn't want to forget this dream but I was too groggy and upset to turn on the light to write in my journal.
I went to the voice recorder on my phone and spoke the dream into my phone.
As I did, I realized the message and meaning of the dream.
My feet were terrified of walking the path of music for fear of walking away from the path of motherhood.
My feet were hurting and screaming in fear that I would neglect my kids.
My feet were zinging with electricity in confusion at how I felt God would compel me to pursue music while I had little kids.
How could God lead me away from my real calling as a mother?
How could God do this to me?
I was so scared of being lost in the unknown. I was so scared of my dual nature of "bad" and "good" to be exposed.
As I recorded the dream it uncovered feelings and inner conflicts I hadn't been fully conscious of.
I felt so grateful to see what I was really scared of.
I felt grateful that my feet were "telling me" why they hurt.
They were scared that God was taking them down the path of music and off the path of motherhood causing me to lose my children and neglect what was most precious to me.
As these fears came out of the shadows of my subconscious and into the awareness of my conscious mind I could really see things more clearly.
I was able to calm my own fears.
God would never lead me down a road that would cause me to neglect my kids.
I would never lead me down a road that would cause me to leave what was most precious to me. Nothing was worth that.
I could see the truth that motherhood and music are on the same path all interwoven and inspired by each other!
I also saw how scared I was of being exposed as a flawed two faced weak human.
Cussing one moment, smiling the next.
I sat up in bed and took my feet in my hands for another heart to feet conversation.
"Thank you, my sweet feet!
Thank you for telling me why you were hurting and scared.
I had no idea how scared we were until now."
I reassured my feet of what I knew about God.
"I know God would never take us down a path that would lead us away from our kids.
We have to have faith and trust in ourselves that we love them more than any adventure and we wouldn't leave them.
Plus, Nate and Leilani would never just leave our kids if we had left them responsible for them.
I reassured my feet that I wasn't the only weak human with a duality in her nature.
We all are.
We all have our dark and and light side.
It's part of being human. We were all stumbling through life learning as we go.
We gotta learn to be accepting of our whole selves.
Thank you for showing me so vividly what you and I are so scared of!"
I lay back down, so grateful Nate was out of town so that I could talk out loud without disturbing his sleep or causing him to think I was crazy for talking to my feet.
I fell back to sleep relieved and with a deeper self awareness.
I'm not one to try and tough things out so I bought myself better shoes with great support.
I stopped wearing anything uncomfortable no matter how cute the shoes were.
My feet felt a bit better and only at night when I would get in bed my feet would zing with electricity. Nothing could put pressure on them.
No socks no blankets.
I had to put a pillow under my feet and have light blankets loosely on my feet at night.
This made the weird electric sensations bearable so that I could fall asleep.
This went on for a couple of months without much relief.
I continued to buy only the best, comfiest shoes. I would get off my feet during the day to see if that helped.
I would take walks and easy hikes to see if that would help.
The pain and unexplainable sensations just got worse.
One night Nate was out of town on a business trip.
I had put the kids to bed and I got in my bed to go to sleep.
My feet zinged and complained if anything touched them.
I felt exasperated because I had done everything I knew how to do to feel better.
I sat up in bed and took my feet in my hands.
I had a heart to heart talk with them.
Or rather heart to feet talk with them.
I am a pro at talking to myself so talking to my feet felt natural enough.
In the past I had experienced pain in my wrist that had an emotional root so to me I knew this pain could be more than physical and maybe I could figure it out.
I was glad Nate was out of town so I could talk out loud.
I pleaded with my feet to tell me what they wanted.
"Feet. I love you. I have bought you the most comfortable and supportive shoes I can find.
They are not cheap and recommended by podiatrists.
I have soaked you and massaged you and gently exercised you.
I rest during the day and I make sure I don't stand on you too long.
I really want to take care of you but nothing I do seems to help.
If I go to the doctor for you I don't know what weird thing they could diagnose me with if I tell them I feel electric sensations in my feet.
It sounds bad and I don't want drugs or surgery.
I don't think doctors could pinpoint the real reason for these sensations.
Please tell me what you want.
Please tell me what I am not doing for you and I'll do it.
Please tell me what I am doing to cause this pain.
Am I causing this pain?
Please tell me!"
I felt better after this "conversation" I was tired enough that I could fall asleep despite the electric feet feeling.
I fell asleep and I had a very vivid dream.
In the dream I saw myself all dressed up with my long hair all curled and pretty.
I was driving home from some place where I had been singing and performing and recording.
I had asked my good friend Leilani, (isn't her name pretty. It means "flowers from heaven! It's true about her!) who I can always count on, to watch my kids until Nate go home from work.
I came in the door of my house and found the house dark and messy and nobody home.
This was strange since Nate should have been back from work by now.
I left the house to go search for my kids and Leilani and Nate.
I found my friend all dressed up with her hair all curled at the community park having a great time watching a baseball game that was well attended and exciting.
I asked her if Nate had gotten home and taken the kids someplace because nobody was home when I got there.
She had no idea and seemed to have forgotten that I had asked her to watch my kids till Nate got home from work.
Now I felt alarmed.
I had no idea where my kids were and she didn't either.
Nate was no where and my friend hadn't realized I was relying on her to stay with them till Nate got home.
I set out roaming the streets of this unfamiliar town I now found myself in.
As I was wandering and searching for my kids in a panic I noticed I was no longer wearing that cute out fit with my hair curled.
I was wearing my underwear and my old pink robe with the broken zipper.
My hair was in a messy pile on top of my head.
My robe was flapping open in the breeze as I wandered the crowded city.
I felt embarrassed and exposed!
As I was walking through the crowded streets I realized I was lost and I started muttering cuss words to myself.
Just as I was really swearing and getting mad at some dude that had bumped into me I realized the man I was cussing out was an old friend from junior high.
I immediately stopped cussing and was cordial and friendly and happy as could be.
As we parted ways I felt so ashamed he had seen me go from a cussing sailor to a sweet smiling social butterfly.
I was ashamed of myself for having such duality in my own nature.
How could I be so "bad" one minute and "good" the next?
I'd been caught and exposed as a mad swearing lady in her underwear and I tried to cover it up with smiles and social graces.
I got more and more lost.
Now the streets were empty and all the building were unfamiliar.
There were no cars, no people.
It was spooky.
I started to cry as I wandered alone.
What a terrible mother I had been.
I had left my little kids and now I had no idea where I was.
I hoped they were playing at a neighbors house or had gone home.
I hoped Nate had gotten home.
How could he be so unreliable?
How could my friend have forgotten to stay with my kids?
But really I knew it was my fault.
I was there mom and had left them to go off and perform and record.
I had let my priorities get out of balance and I had neglected what was most important to me!
It was then that I woke up in my pitch dark room alone in bed.
I was distressed but then relieved to realize that my kids were safe in their beds.
I grabbed my iPhone next to my bed.
I didn't want to forget this dream but I was too groggy and upset to turn on the light to write in my journal.
I went to the voice recorder on my phone and spoke the dream into my phone.
As I did, I realized the message and meaning of the dream.
My feet were terrified of walking the path of music for fear of walking away from the path of motherhood.
My feet were hurting and screaming in fear that I would neglect my kids.
My feet were zinging with electricity in confusion at how I felt God would compel me to pursue music while I had little kids.
How could God lead me away from my real calling as a mother?
How could God do this to me?
I was so scared of being lost in the unknown. I was so scared of my dual nature of "bad" and "good" to be exposed.
As I recorded the dream it uncovered feelings and inner conflicts I hadn't been fully conscious of.
I felt so grateful to see what I was really scared of.
I felt grateful that my feet were "telling me" why they hurt.
They were scared that God was taking them down the path of music and off the path of motherhood causing me to lose my children and neglect what was most precious to me.
As these fears came out of the shadows of my subconscious and into the awareness of my conscious mind I could really see things more clearly.
I was able to calm my own fears.
God would never lead me down a road that would cause me to neglect my kids.
I would never lead me down a road that would cause me to leave what was most precious to me. Nothing was worth that.
I could see the truth that motherhood and music are on the same path all interwoven and inspired by each other!
I also saw how scared I was of being exposed as a flawed two faced weak human.
Cussing one moment, smiling the next.
I sat up in bed and took my feet in my hands for another heart to feet conversation.
"Thank you, my sweet feet!
Thank you for telling me why you were hurting and scared.
I had no idea how scared we were until now."
I reassured my feet of what I knew about God.
"I know God would never take us down a path that would lead us away from our kids.
We have to have faith and trust in ourselves that we love them more than any adventure and we wouldn't leave them.
Plus, Nate and Leilani would never just leave our kids if we had left them responsible for them.
I reassured my feet that I wasn't the only weak human with a duality in her nature.
We all are.
We all have our dark and and light side.
It's part of being human. We were all stumbling through life learning as we go.
We gotta learn to be accepting of our whole selves.
Thank you for showing me so vividly what you and I are so scared of!"
I lay back down, so grateful Nate was out of town so that I could talk out loud without disturbing his sleep or causing him to think I was crazy for talking to my feet.
I fell back to sleep relieved and with a deeper self awareness.
My feet have never hurt like that since.
The persistent, every night, electric zingy pain left me and has never come back.
I had heard the wisdom and truth in my pain.
I had comforted my fears. I had been my own therapist and my own doctor and cured myself. Looking back I can see how out of proportion my fears were.
Looking back I can see that every mom needs her own outlet, something she creates that is separate from her family .
Something her kids can't undo.
Something that is from her heart.
At the time it was very shocking to me that motherhood wasn't enough.
I grew up dreaming of being a mom and wife.
I grew up thinking that the end all, be all of my happiness could reside in being a wife and mom.
I thought it would meet all my needs and fill me with purpose and joy never ending.
So you can see why I was so scared and confused when I discovered I needed my own outlet. Motherhood was a mixed bag of opposites.
Never ending purpose and fulfillment with never ending work and exasperation.
Things I hadn't realized going in.
My heart has a hope that in sharing this experience that I can help others listen to the wisdom of their pain.
My heart hopes that I can teach others to listen to their bodies and love their bodies.
I hope that I can remind and teach others to never say something like "my stupid knee, it just won't heal from the surgery" Or a sprain or a bruise or what ever.
Your "stupid" knee has more intelligence in it than everything you have ever learned in school.
Every cell of our bodies is brimming with intelligence.
Your body can help you know the truth that you're not willing to face, but really need to.
The different pains and ailments in your body can reveal so much about your journey and how to move forward.
Your body is divine intelligence at your service!
Do you know how to take in oxygen from the air and put into your blood stream?
NO, but your lungs do.
Do you know how to heal a cut?
NO, but your skin does.
Do you know how to digest food and turn it into energy?
No.
You don't.
But your digestive system does.
The next time you catch yourself criticizing your body, stop yourself.
Apologize to this loyal and faithful servant and gift.
The next time you want to eat some florescent, sugary, fake so called food, pause.
Put the crap down.
Eat your favorite fruit and love yourself.
This disconnect between ourselves and our bodies hurts us.
This disconnect from our bodies cheats us of health and wisdom and truth.
Pay attention to what your wise, loyal, intelligent body is saying to you.
It might speak to you with pain but it tried to speak to you in other ways but you ignored it.
Pain is hard to ignore.
I know I'm getting preachy and pushy here but this is my blog and I know what I know and I am not going to make my heart hold it in anymore.
I just want to love you.
My love is blunt and raw and imperfect but it's what I have to give.
Thanks for reading this far.
I could talk all day about what my body is teaching me and how it is communicating with me as I work with clients in my Reiki practice.
Wow.
I'll save that for another post.
For now, just give your body a hug and say "thank you, I love you" It will be so good for you.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Kristen.
The persistent, every night, electric zingy pain left me and has never come back.
I had heard the wisdom and truth in my pain.
I had comforted my fears. I had been my own therapist and my own doctor and cured myself. Looking back I can see how out of proportion my fears were.
Looking back I can see that every mom needs her own outlet, something she creates that is separate from her family .
Something her kids can't undo.
Something that is from her heart.
At the time it was very shocking to me that motherhood wasn't enough.
I grew up dreaming of being a mom and wife.
I grew up thinking that the end all, be all of my happiness could reside in being a wife and mom.
I thought it would meet all my needs and fill me with purpose and joy never ending.
So you can see why I was so scared and confused when I discovered I needed my own outlet. Motherhood was a mixed bag of opposites.
Never ending purpose and fulfillment with never ending work and exasperation.
Things I hadn't realized going in.
My heart has a hope that in sharing this experience that I can help others listen to the wisdom of their pain.
My heart hopes that I can teach others to listen to their bodies and love their bodies.
I hope that I can remind and teach others to never say something like "my stupid knee, it just won't heal from the surgery" Or a sprain or a bruise or what ever.
Your "stupid" knee has more intelligence in it than everything you have ever learned in school.
Every cell of our bodies is brimming with intelligence.
Your body can help you know the truth that you're not willing to face, but really need to.
The different pains and ailments in your body can reveal so much about your journey and how to move forward.
Your body is divine intelligence at your service!
Do you know how to take in oxygen from the air and put into your blood stream?
NO, but your lungs do.
Do you know how to heal a cut?
NO, but your skin does.
Do you know how to digest food and turn it into energy?
No.
You don't.
But your digestive system does.
The next time you catch yourself criticizing your body, stop yourself.
Apologize to this loyal and faithful servant and gift.
The next time you want to eat some florescent, sugary, fake so called food, pause.
Put the crap down.
Eat your favorite fruit and love yourself.
This disconnect between ourselves and our bodies hurts us.
This disconnect from our bodies cheats us of health and wisdom and truth.
Pay attention to what your wise, loyal, intelligent body is saying to you.
It might speak to you with pain but it tried to speak to you in other ways but you ignored it.
Pain is hard to ignore.
I know I'm getting preachy and pushy here but this is my blog and I know what I know and I am not going to make my heart hold it in anymore.
I just want to love you.
My love is blunt and raw and imperfect but it's what I have to give.
Thanks for reading this far.
I could talk all day about what my body is teaching me and how it is communicating with me as I work with clients in my Reiki practice.
Wow.
I'll save that for another post.
For now, just give your body a hug and say "thank you, I love you" It will be so good for you.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Kristen.
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