11/11 at 11:11

{I had to document this moment. The 11th month, the 11th day, the 11th hour, the 11th minute}

I've been getting myself untangled from a mental trap.

I've been working on untangling myself for a couple of months now.

It's a trap that has kept me from being creative or doing things that I love. 

I think it is a universal law that if you don't create or do what you love you will get sick. I thing it is a universal law that if you don't let yourself pursue what you are passionate about you will get depressed and you won't be living the life you were meant to live. 

I know this because I've done this to myself. I've held back. I've avoided taking action for fear of failing or looking dumb or weird. 

I think it's time to be done with that way of living.

It isn't healthy. 

I like healthy.

I spend lots of time energy and money on getting myself healthier.

I've been feeling way better these day. I think I'm untangled. 

I feel free and happy most of the time. 

I think its all the good stuff I've been eating but even more than that I think it's all the good stuff I've been thinking and feeling and reading.

I think it's all the drama and negative stuff I haven't been letting my self think. 

 {the mountains across the valley. I live in a beautiful place}

I took a hike yesterday and saw an old truck I've never noticed before. It's crazy I haven't noticed it because I've walked this path for years. This summer it's been covered up with grass and shrubs.  Fall has made everything die back and exposed it. Something about the light yesterday must have made the colors pop out at me. 

I hiked down to it to get a closer look at this truck that seemed to appear from nowhere. 

It's obviously been here a while. Proof being the big bush growing from it. 

I love the colors of this old truck. I love the shrub growing up out of where the old engine is.

I don't want to be like this old truck. 

Stuck. Motionless. A shrub growing where it's engine used to rev and hum.

I've known people who are stuck. Weeds in their engine. I think sometimes I've been that stuck person.

It feels like I need to rev up my engine and get moving before the weeds swallow me up. 

I've been believing more and more that it is safe to make mistakes. It's safe to be imperfect. It's safe to try things and be a little messy at it. It's OK. Everything is going to be OK and you don't know what the future holds. 

There is something liberating in that. 

Life has thrown me some surprising twists the past few months. 

I've liked it for the most part.  It is somehow freeing knowing I don't know much. I like knowing that I can just do the best I can with the limited insight I have and leave the rest to God.

"Let go and let God"

That might be a cliche but it still feels like a relief to me.  

I'm trusting that all the trouble in the world and in my own community will work out. 

I'm having faith that all things will work together for our universal good. 

God can make good come from the "bad" stuff.

 In the end it's all good. 

A blog post I forgot to write

 Today is November 11.

 The 11th day of the 11th month. 

It's my Uncle Gary's birthday today. Happy birthday Uncle Gary. I love you. 

He died before I was born but is still a loving force in my life. 

It's also Veterans Day. Today is a significant day. 

Today there are no blossoms on the trees, they are shedding their leaves. But I forgot to tell a story that is precious to me. 

I'll tell it now and bring the blossoms back. I'll take you to that day in March when I was the singer on the stage and you were the face in the crowd smiling back at me receiving the music lovingly.  

The magic and misery of this my musical journey is teaching me. 

Just keep going, create and try because not creating will drain the life from you.

Sing and speak. 

Shine your light. 

It turns life into a dance instead of a fight.  

 March 28th, 2015. My son's 11th birthday and my brother's birthday too. 

March 28th of 2015 I did a show at my dear friend's Studio. Ryan and Emily Miller and their brothers have created a magical musical haven and I was lucky enough to have their support in putting on a show there. 

There is Bridget playing the Cello. I love you Bridget. Ryan on the guitar and vocals and all the techie stuff like the lights and projector and fog machine and loop pedal. 

The man can multi task!
Then Emily on the violin and vocals. I know we've been friends forever even though we've only been friends for a few earth years. 

Ryan had a picture for every song. I even got to use the sweet picture I have of Gwenyth asleep on me. I took it right after I wrote Reprimand and added that line "sleep on me so I can hear you breath" because of this moment.

I love looking at this picture and picking out the faces of friends and family that I love. 

I sang and spoke for about an hour and a half. It was very satisfying and exciting and felt so good. I wasn't sure if I could really do it. 

The fear and nausea and worry were quickly gone as soon as I sang the first song. 

I sang Threadbare first. The picture if of me singing the first song. I'm glad cameras can't capture  nervous energy on film. 

I sang Possible.

I love that song. I loved writing that song. It was so satisfying to have Ryan create a guitar part that it deserved. 

We hadn't ever done that song together. A couple of years before, Bridget and I performed that song at the Bountiful Summerfest. I loved it then too but I'm not the guitarist that Ryan is. He has a gift. I can't wait to record that song for real! I don't know when that will be. 

I also sang one of my favorite Cold Play songs. 

Fix You.

It was fun to sing that awesome song even though I wondered if I was cool enough to sing a Cold Play song. I decided that I could sing it with heart and soul so that is enough for me. Ryan harmonizes with me and I love the way we sound. 

I sang lots of other songs from my CD and some extra ones that aren't on my CD, like Nearer My God to Thee. 

Something really cool happens when I sing and really relax and speak and be myself on stage. I feel more and more connected to heaven. I feel the truth intensely. This time the truth that came through was that this life is a very valuable educational experience. This life is school. We all get to take certain classes and try on certain roles and certain jobs and its valuable but it is just school.  It isn't the full reality.  It isn't the full eternal picture. It istn' the full truth. We need to be a mostly blind and deaf to the eternities to really get the full benefit of this earth school. This is a an idea that I already knew but when I am singing from my heart I can feel and understand things I already know but in ways that I didn't already know. Does that make sense?

By the end of the show I felt this odd feeling. It felt as if many in the audience had previously agreed to be there for me and that I had previously agreed to be a voice for all of us. To speak up and sing of things we feel and think and want to rejoice about.  It felt like they had previously agreed to help give me courage and faith in my myself and my journey. It felt surreal and like we were all playing out a scene that we had agreed to in some pre-earth life meeting. It was a strange sensation.

That night was deja vu on steroids. 

I got my Cd's all printed and made up in time for the show. 

I even sold some! We sold tickets to our show to help raise funds to support Ryan's studio. 

We split the ticket earnings. Earning money from singing songs that I've written and performed was an awesome feeling. I didn't want to spend it, I just wanted to keep it in a special bag in my special desk and know that it was there. 

I did eventually spend it, but only on special things. 

That screen shot it of a painting that I love. It's by Brian Kershisnik. That's me in the blue. It's you too. We are so loved and heaven is there to help us. 

That night I got a wonderful surprise. 

Ryan and Emily bought me a large framed version of this painting. I felt so undeserving. Isn't that funny how it is hard to receive gifts sometimes? 

This painting goes perfectly with my song Threadbare. You can hear it on iTunes . 

Now it hangs above my grandmother's desk where I love to sit at and write. 

I've needed to look back on March 28th. I haven't been recording or writing or performing for what feels like too long. Only by doing and taking action can I really get better and grow. I want to grow, even if it does scare me and hurt a little. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Back to the present day. 

It's November and November is beautiful too. 

{Thanks for listening}

October 24th

LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES of Peace. 

Learn to unwind whenever possible, resting in the Presence of your Shepherd. 

This electronic age keeps my children "wired" much of the time, too tense to find Me in the midst of their moments. 

I built into your very being the need for rest. 

How twisted the world has become when people feel guilty about meeting this basic need! 

How much time and energy they waste by being always on the go rather than taking time to seek My direction for their lives.

    I have called you to walk with Me down paths of Peace.

I want you to blaze a trail for others who desire to live in My peaceful Presence. 

I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses, which amplify your need for Me. Depend on Me more and more, and I will shower Peace on all your paths.

Psalm 23:1-3; Genesis 2:2-3; Luke 1:79

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

why you came

There is so  much more to us than meets the eye

I'm going to figure it out.

 Sometimes as I try to figure it out I get more puzzle pieces and get information that feels so true. 

Other times I try to figure it out I just get confused and mad. That's when I scrub the toilets and shine the windows and scrub out the fridge. 

As I scrub I get bursts of simplicity and clarity on the simple things that bring me peace and direction and then as I keep scrubbing my friend calls and reminds me that I need to pay the fee so I can go with my daughter on her choir trip as a chaperon.

I would have forgotten and missed out on a chance to love and have fun with my daughter. 

Taking action with the mundane seems to get the wheels moving in all the other parts of life. 

It leads me to the fun stuff and the parts of my life that are magic and meaningful. 

There is so much more to me than I can comprehend at once.

When I sleep my dreams are incredibly detailed and I experience them as an amazing adventure.

I wake up with a haze surrounding the complete story or meaning of the "dream".

I wake up delighted or in awe or laughing with the humor of what I remember of it.

 Where do I really go? 

What am I really doing as I sleep?

 It seems so much more than just dreaming. 

"When we lie down to sleep,our minds are often as bright as an angel… They will range over the earth, visit distant friends, and, for aught we know, the planets, and accomplish great feats; do that which will enhance our happiness…and prepare us for celestial glory; but when we wake in the morning, it is all gone from us; we have forgotten it. …This is right; were it different, where would be the trial of our faith?"

 Brigham Young in Journal of Discourses 1;351-52

Have you ever felt that way when you wake up? 

Like you have just returned from an incredible journey? 

Have you ever felt so tired like you were busy all night as you slept? 

I think if we remembered it fully we wouldn't be able to do our life in this physical dimension. 

I think all that information might drive us mad because it would get lost in translation from the infinite the finite. 

Things can get jumbled up in translation from the infinite to the finite. 

I'm realizing how I am the creator of my reality.

I decide how I'm going to feel and what I'm going to do no matter what I think at the time I really am the one who is in charge.

When I choose and choose and choose and choose to keep only looking for the love , looking for the light. 

Only love only love only love. 

If my eye be single I can see the other as a temporary mirage and not the forever truth. 

Trust yourself.

Trust the personal process of life that you are choosing.

Trust the seeds you have planted.

Trust that it is all working together for your growth. 

Growth is what you want.

It's why you came.

~

So, guess what. My kids aren't intentionally trying to drive me crazy. This is good to remember because my kids drive me crazy so much of the time that it is nice to know they aren't doing it on purpose. Their logic and my logic are just on completely different planets. They think their way of going about things is the best way I know my way is the best way. These differences can lead to all of us driving each other nuts. Just had to get that out there. 

post vacation crash

I just got back from a vacation. There were no children involved. Only the ones in utero. Two of my sister in law's are expecting babies. One at Thanksgiving time and one at Christmas time. The California coast line is so awesome. Getting so relaxed on the beach showed me how uptight I've been. I wonder if I lived on the beach with my family if I could stay more relaxed and happy? Just the sound of the ocean alone is thrilling and calming at the same time. Maybe I wouldn't let my kids drive me crazy if the ocean were right outside my window. Maybe the waves would pull off all my frustrations as they arose. Like now. I have one child who's alarm didn't go off and is still taking their sweeeeeeeet time getting ready. Taking a loooooong shower. Beating eggs and scrambling them. Can't find anything to wear…. I'm trying not to flip out! I'm just going to have to go on my walk and leave this certain child here to get ready in SLO MO before I go crazy. Guess what prospective parents, you will have no control over your children. You will think you should, you will try to find ways to Parent them but in the end you are pretty much at the mercy of there independent will. I can take away privileges but that sure ain't making this kid move it! I'm going to go walk and count my blessings and hope for the best~

summer singing

Over the summer  I was invited to sing my songs at 3 different events. 

In June I went up to our ward's girls camp.  

The Miller's and I played in Logan Canyon before going to sing at girls camp.

I felt dizzy and weak the whole time. I have issues. Physical, emotional, ancestral. 

I was going to sing for people who are so kind and loving and accepting and I was still having weird stuff going on in my body. 

One of these days I must post about all the amazing people and practitioners I've met because of all my physical and emotional issues.

I've learned that our pain and our poor health can take us on a journey that is full of surprising learning experiences and amazing people with gifts to share. 

Baby Tessa is so delightful I can hardly stand it. 

A few minutes before I was to go up and sing and speak I got down on Tessa's blanket with her. I just laid there hoping whatever weird static energy that was stuck in me would be pulled out by the earth. Sweet Tessa snuggled right on me, laying on my chest. It was heaven and just what I needed. 

After the first song all the weird dizzy, pass out feelings evaporated and I had a wonderful time. I shared my heart and felt happy and safe and it was all well received. 

Emmaline and AnnaKate had to deal with their mom giving an hour long "show" and their dad leading a hike through the wind caves while teaching life lessons. They were good sports about it. 

The best thing about singing publicly for me has been how my kids like me more when I do. 

They don't treat me like the naggy mom, 

they treat me like they are proud of me. 

At least for about 15-30 minutes after I perform. I'll take what I can get! It's an awesome 15- 30 minutes. 

The Camp theme was "Together We Can" . 

Well if that doesn't sound like a song I don't know what does. 

I wrote a song for them! I called it "Together" I like it. It was fun to write and fun to sing and has a catchy chorus. 

The girls really seemed to like it. That was really rewarding.  It was really fun to write it and then have Ryan, the worlds sweetest guitarist, play the guitar and make it sound so good. 

 Lately I can't write a song unless I have a really specific reason. 

I take that back.

 I can write a song but I haven't been finishing or polishing any songs these days. 

I write enough of a song that I feel like it got whatever emotion or thoughts were jamming up my head and heart and then I'm done with it. 

I really hope I write and finish songs again. 

I used to really like it. 

In July we had our Morris Family trip to our Hyrum house in Hyrum Utah. 

We have a talent show every year for the kids and some of the funny adults share their "talents" too. 

I'm not funny and I don't know how to be goofy and hilarious so I avoid participating in this family show. This year though, my father in law insisted that I bring my guitar and sing. 

I brought my guitar and it didn't even make me nauseous to look at it in the corner of our room. 

I sang a couple songs in front of our family. I care about what they think so its much harder for me to sing for people I love than for people I don't know. I'd way rather sing for strangers than for family. 

I think I've made some kind of progress because It didn't make me queasy.

 I just sang and sounded good enough even with mistakes and it was fine. 

The last place I sang was at a social we had for church. 

Ryan was so sweet and brought over his nice speaker and other technical equipment. I was bummed he couldn't just come and play the guitar for me but he was playing at another party that night. 

My daughter Emmaline saved the day. While I played the guitar she played the ukulele and harmonized and totally relived me of the uncomfortable feeling of being on display "performing" 

If I could just be more like my daughter Emmaline. 

She shares her talents with happy grace. 

What a love she is. 

With the kids home and being out of town on vacations and then to have my health tank in August, 

this was all I did in the way of singing and performing this summer. 

It was enough. 

I have spent some time worrying that I'm not doing enough, that I'm somehow a slacker or a failure. 

My mom reassured me today that I'm doing what I feel I need to do each day. 

That really is the truth.

She totally saved the day when she called and basically answered all the questions I'd asked of God that morning. 

Thank heaven for inspired mothers. 

One day when I'm feeling really techy I'm going to figure out how to post my song "Together" on sound cloud and then I'll share it with you.