empowered

Recording and singing the hymns has empowered me.

It's set me free and made me feel it's easy to share my music. I actually want to.

It feels like it takes me out of the equation somehow. I'm just the voice.

I can sing them with my whole heart and mean every word I say but it is not about me.

It's not about me.

That must be why it feels freeing.

That must be why when I post it on Facebook I don't cringe.

That must be why I'll just tell people they should down load it because it's a great song.

As a mother I love to nourish and nurture my children. It was easy and wonderful when they were nursing babies. Oh, to hear and see my baby gulping down my milk!  I knew I was creating and feeding them food that was nourishing. 

I still love seeing them eat healthy food. It's not as easy these days though! 

Sometimes I have to be creative.

I told Gwenyth that if she ate salmon it would make her a better swimmer.

At the time she had a big crush on her swim teacher Brandon.

She went from a typical 4 year old who didn't like fish to a child who could eat as much salmon as me.

I think it is just a part of me to want to feed, teach, nourish, love and advise those in my circle of influence….even when I know I do it imperfectly.

Recording and singing the hymns makes me feel as if I've made a very nutritious meal. 

A meal that will energize and even heal. It makes me feel like I get to serve it up and spoon feed it. 

It thrills my mother heart.

I know all of our eternal spirits recognize truth. Not always on a conscious level but I know our spirits always recognize the truth. 

When I sing the hymns I know I'm speaking truth. Not just my truth or the truth as I see it through my certain perspective of experience and bias,

 but the actual truth.

I love the truth.

 I want to seek the truth, I want to speak the truth, I want to BE the truth.

THE END

Kristen Carol-"Come Back" Live

(can you believe it took me over an hour to decide what to wear and then I just go with a t-shirt and my favorite old skirt?)

Here is another one of my new songs. 

It sounds so much better in person.

My shaky little hands playing the guitar the best they could.

It was honestly fun to perform new songs.
I want to make sure I do more new ones for my show in August.

When I wrote this song I thought it was just for me. I think that about all my songs as I write them.
"This song is just for me. No one else will hear it."
If I were to approach song writing thinking,
"I'm going to sing this to family and friends and strangers"
That thought would halt the process. I'd be paralyzed by questions like,
"What would they want to hear? What would they like?" What will they think of me?"
The fact is, I don't know the answer to any of those questions. How am I supposed to know what they think or want or like?
I only know what I think or want or like and so that is how I approach writing a song.
I know I have emotions that need expression and so I find a way to express them honestly.
My true hope is that as I share songs that are honest and have personal meaning to me that they will translate to someone elses' life and story and have personal meaning to them.
After I wrote this song it was like medicine to my soul. I would listen to it over and over.
I had no intention of recording or performing it.
Plus this song didn't feel like a song I "wrote" it felt like a conversion I put to music.
A personal conversation between me and Heaven.

Bridget (cello player above)  is a very good friend of mine. One I trust and feel safe with.
She asked me if I had any new songs. I had Come Back recorded on my iPhone. We took a drive in my car and I played her the song.
It was her reactions to the song that really surprised me.
It meant something to her.
She loved it.
She had tears in her eyes.
Wow. Really?
I thought it was just for me.
Ryan, my brilliant guitarist (is it presumptuous to call him "my" guitarist?)
Ryan, the guitarist I hire, who has now become my friend, also loved the song.
I played it for him and we then recorded a rough draft at his house.
He texted me later.
"Listening to "come back" for the 23rd time today. It has really struck a powerful musical and emotional nerve with me. I love it"

I'm just learning as I go.
I'm learning how to be vulnerable. More importantly,
I'm learning why to let myself be vulnerable.
Why to be really honest about how I feel and what I think.
I'm learning to admit to feelings and thoughts that I'm ashamed of and in the process realizing that I don't need to be ashamed. I need to be honest and trust that the intentions of my heart are good.

I'm going to try and write a new song today. Even if the house is loud and messy and crowded with children,
 I'll be in my music room.

how the show went….

I have the death grip on that microphone. If I let go of it with one of my hands then both my hands would shake.

I chose to cling and sing.

Here is one of my new songs I performed.

I wrote it when the inversion was horrid.

Every winter I tell my husband we need to move. 

Now I have a song about it. 

The performance went practically perfectly.

I wish I could have avoided being so nervous before hand.

If I would have had time to go the the park a few hours before my performance to listen to some of the others and to actually see the place with my own eyes I would not have been near as freaked out. 

I didn't have time though because my husband had obligations he couldn't get out of and I had the kids and the twins really needed a bath! 

I got all freaked out because of the UNKNOWN.

The people running the show kept sending me all these official documents for me to fill out and having me print parking permits so we could park by the stage so we didn't have to carry our instruments far. Lot's of emails about time constraints and set up time and you better stay within your 20 min and your 20 min includes set up time! EEEEKKKK

All this official stuff made me wonder "how big is this place?" "This seems too official and serious" "

I freaked myself out. 

The other mistake I made was that I kept worrying about things that were out of my control.

"What if the sound guys don't' do a good job and the sound is all unbalanced?"

"What if the person a head of  me goes over her time and cuts into mine?"

This little experience has made me want to make a much more conscious effort to not worry about things that are out of my control!

Do my best with what it is in my control and let the rest go. Have faith and trust that things will work out.

They do work out!

They did work out!

I want to write more but I need to get moving.

Cub scouts coming over and I better plan something for them to do.

Yes I'm still a Den Mother.

I love it. 

I moved up to the bear troop with my son.

More on the show later.

Kaysville Show

So there it is.

I feel excited and nervous.

I have my 20 minutes on stage. I have 5 songs planned. 4 new ones :)

 It is a great chance for me to get comfortable with performing.

I want to be comfortable performing.

I'll tell you the story of why my name on the poster is Kristen Morris instead of Kristen Carol.

No time now.

I read an acronym for fear the other week that I have loved.

FEAR

Face Everything And Rise

Up coming show

Lucky me

 I am singing Saturday, June 15 at Heritage Park in Kaysville Utah.

150 North Fairfield Road. There are 2 stages. I'm on the MAIN STAGE at 2:00p.m.

I'm performing with my very skilled guitarist/friend, Ryan Miller and  my very skilled cellist/friend, Bridget Lee. I am very happy to be performing with them. It feels great to sing with beautiful instruments backing me up.

We are getting together this Saturday to decide on songs and practice.

That should be fun!

I'll take pictures and post them here, there and everywhere.

worlds beyond this one

I have a keen interest in worlds beyond this physical one.
 I think I've had this interest ever since I served as an LDS missionary when I was 21.
It was then that I had my first experiences with beings from other dimensions.  It sounds like I'm speaking of outer space creatures.
 I'm not.
I'm speaking of angels and demons.
It was as a 21 year old, earnest young preacher, that I learned angels and devils were real and are all around us.

This interest in spiritual things is a big part of me. Some of my favorite books to read are of regular people's experiences of dying and then returning back to their body.
There are many, many wonderful books on the subject. I have read several.
I've enjoyed them all.

I learn and gain so much from other people sharing their personal experiences.

In all of my reading and from my own experiences, I have learning that I am never alone.
 For good or ill, I am never alone.
I am constantly being encouraged, protected, loved and guided as I choose light over darkness. And, on the opposite side of the spectrum, I am being discouraged, harmed, hated and confused as I choose darkness over light. It all depends on my choices and the thoughts in my own head. Which thoughts I decide to entertain and which ones I push away.

I have been examining my thoughts and feeling more closely. I have been like an armed security guard at the door of my brain. A critical judge of the thoughts rolling through my head lately, especially in times of frustration or fear.
This is when I am most vulnerable to believing sad, angry and untrue thoughts.
I know there are times when extreme thoughts of sadness and anger come traipsing in my brain's door, that I didn't think up. They got in somehow, but their source is questionable. I am being more diligent at insisting on these thought and feelings to leave my mind at once. You are not welcome here.

Let me give you an example.
The other day as I was trying to find the floor of my laundry/mud room, my kids started to fight, again. I was trying to get them to clean up their mess and they start in on another fight and want me to act as referee.
The thought "I hate my children" came walking through my brain.
Really? You do? That's pretty extreme there. I think I am being influenced by somebody who is miserable and would love some company.

Another example.
Sometimes my children hate what I make for dinner. Shocking, I know.
They have no regard for the time, money and effort I have put into making them a meal that is nutritious   and in my opinion, delicious.
They say things like "Salmon for dinner? Yuck!"
It's in times like these, extreme thoughts break into my mind. …
"Nothing I do matters. My efforts are futile. Let them eat cereal"
I will then feel resentful and mad.
If I entertain these thoughts, I feel almost as if someone is on my side. I am justified in giving my kids an angry lecture and then topping it off with guilt. I'm so good at topping lectures off with guilt.

I'm happy to say that the armed security guard in my brain has been vigilant. I have been able to dismiss my extreme thought as impostors.  I have been able to smile and use a little humor and parental guidance, instead of anger and guilt to get them to eat dinner.


As I think higher thoughts. As I focus on all that I am grateful for. As I look at all the beauty in the natural world around me, I feel so close to my loving family members who have passed on.
I can't express the degree of comfort and courage both sets of my grandparents have given me beyond the veil that separates this world from that.
 I have been able to do things that would have been impossible without their encouragement.
I love them so much and feel and know they are in my life today more than they were even able to be when they were alive.
 Isn't that wonderful and amazing?! It's a blessing I  never saw coming.

Here I am, a grown woman, facing the rigors of raising 5 kids, and all the regular challenges of life. Clearly I could use some help. The beauty is, I have help.  I still get to have my grandparents in my life even though they are all passed on.
The comforting truth is, that ALL OF US have this blessing whether we know it or not.  If you don't already know it, I suggest strongly that you find out for yourself.
Your angels will be so happy if you do.

build it anyway

I meant to tell you the next day...

I did make the audition. 

They do want me to sing at the Kaysville City music and arts festival June 15.

 The satisfaction I felt with myself for facing a fear and auditioning was greater than the satisfaction I felt when I saw my name on the list of chosen performers. 

Interesting.
(they did spell my name Krisben Carol)

I hope me and "my band" find time to prepare some songs. 

Life is so full and busy for all 3 of us. It will take the stars aligning and heavenly intervention to get us all together.

***************************

I found some personal messages and meaning for me in this weeks Sunday school lesson. 

The lesson was about the building of the Kirtland Ohio temple.

These new converts to this new church were asked by their prophet Joseph Smith,
 who was asked by God, to build a Temple.
A holy house for the Savior.

5 months after Joseph Smith received that revelation to build the temple, not much had been done to begin the construction.
The Lord called them to repent and get going on it already!

Most of these brave struggling people were themselves were very poor.

They were struggling to keep a roof over their own heads, many of the men were off preaching in other lands, so how could they build a temple?

Their first plan was to  build a temple out of logs or boards.
I can certainly understand why they hadn't started.
But then again, the God of heaven and earth did command them to build it.

.

Joseph and his 2 counselors prayed together about how the building should be constructed.
A 3 dimensional model of the temple appeared in front of them. 

They saw the temple just like a hologram in front of their eyes.  (Think Star Trek)

Joseph came back to the people and said...
"Shall we build a house for our God, of logs?  No….I have a plan of the house of the Lord, given by Himself; and you will soon see by this, the difference between our calculation and his idea of things"
(quoted in Lucy Mack Smith, History of Joseph Smith)
See more of the  historical account here

As we were discussing what this must have been like for these early believers, I heard and felt in my mind, the spirit whispering to me. I also heard and felt my true self, my eternal self asking me, 

"Do you see?"

"Do you get it?"

And as I sat there, I did get it.

There is a woman God is asking me to be.  There are things my life's circumstances are requiring of me. My children ask everything of me. My house asks slave labor of me. My pets meow and bark their requests of me. My garden and yard stare at me with their wilting leaves, and weeds, trying to choke them out. 

My mortal body's needs are ever whining in my ear. "I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm craving things that are bad for us, but I want them anyway and I want them now!"

I realized in Sunday school, over the last several months, I have come to the Lord with my suggestion that we just build me into a small log cabin instead of a temple. 
Obviously, I'm too poor to do more than this.
I'm too immature to be the adult in this house all the time.
 I can't afford to be the patient, early rising mother, with a smile and a hot meal.
We both know I'm too tired and weak for that. Let's get real. 

I'm too flawed and not smart enough to maintain a meaningful, hopefully, helpful blog.
Clearly you can see that Lord. Plus, I can't afford the time it takes. 

I'm too poor.
I'm too tired.
The house is a mess.
The kid's schedules are crowded and keep me running.

I can't afford to venture down some unknown singing, songwriting  path.

 I don't have that much talent in my wallet. 

I have some suggestions of some friends of mine that have way more talent in their wallet. 

Their bank account is loaded, so you could take your piercing to the heart,

 voice, over to their house and get much better results. 

I'm too poor.

I'm too poor to exercise consistently. It's too taxing on my reserves of energy. I can't afford to miss the sleep. 

How about you just bless me that my back will feel fine, even if I skip the Pilates….could you just make an exception for me?
 I know you love me so maybe you could just keep in mind that I'm too poor to eat healthy food.
It's expensive and it's so much easier to just eat the sweet and salty comfort foods that seem to be everywhere I go. You don't actually think I can NOT eat them, do you? 

This has been my rational for the past several months of slackery.
Yes. Slackery. It's a new word.
 It means giving yourself permission to slack off and do things with only half the energy they require. You know, because you think special allowances should be made for you because you don't have the energy it takes to do things the way they should  be done.

As I sat there in Sunday school I realized…...

God is asking me to build it anyway.
Just like he asked them to build it anyway.

Build it despite the poverty I see and feel.

Build the temple.

As if he were saying to me too…..

I asked for a temple, and a log cabin is not a temple.

Get up.

Go.

A log cabin is not what he is requiring from my hands.

A temple is.

A big, beautiful, expensive, carefully and skillfully crafted temple.

You are going to have to give up some sleep.
You are going to have to feel some sore muscles.
You are going to have to be stronger than your cravings.

You are going to have to face more fear. 

You are going to have to be uncomfortable more often than you already are.

You are going to be glad you did.

Oh help me now.