December 2014

There is so much going on in my head and in my heart and in my life. How can I capture it all on paper? How can I keep up with all the journal entries that I need to record and the miracles and beautifully interwoven, orchestrated, divinely guided relationships, events and footsteps of my life? How can I write a blog post that is from my heart that can translate to yours and do you some good? I don't know. This is my attempt.

I've had this idea in my head for a family picture. Us, standing on the crest of a hill with the bright blue sky behind us…

I found a park b my house with the perfect spot. We took a long and dusty hike to the crest of a steep hill… The clouds rolled in like a gray sheet. The wind blew our hair in our face. My vision for my family picture wasn't materializing. We took the pictures any way because I was determined. I hoped Darin could photo shop a fake blue sky in and I'd just accept our crazy hair.  We hiked back down the hill and took many other poses and family photos. Then we were done. As we were walking back to our car… the sun began to set, the clouds had all cleared away, the air was filled with golden light that was so beautiful, it felt like magic. We spotted a little hill that we easily walked up, posed quickly and Darin captured the picture that had been in my head, making it a physical reality. I was feeling so happy and grateful in this picture. Darin said, "Some one's prayers were answered"

 I knew who's.
Thank you Darin Brunner for being a great photographer.

I call this year's family photo 

"The Golden Blessing!"

The blessings masked as challenges have been plentiful the past couple of months. 

Motherhood. Oh my. It is an adventure that I am sometimes not well equipped for. Dec 1st I fell into the pit of despair. I think it was the combination of the lack of sunshine, colder weather, and most of all, some of my children struggling with life. Stuff I thought we had been making good progress on. It was discouraging and scary. I got so down. The kind of down that I was hoping I'd never be again. I got even more down because I was down again and I guess I had some naive hope that I would never slip that low again. I have been doing so well the past few months and feeling like I have learned so much about life and depression and how to grow out of it and here I was back in it! 

It is now the 12th of December. Things are working out. 

We have been praying, working, praying, getting answers, taking action. Praying, working, praying, getting answers, taking action again and again.  That must be the cycle of life? I love my kids so much. I never knew it would be this intense being a parent though. Heaven is helping me every day and that is the only way I can love it and grow in it too. Nate and I, and my kids are all growing up! Growing pains are part of it. 

I'm helping myself deal with the growing pains by running about once or twice a week. That isn't much but that's all the time I need to give to it to get the benefit from it. I go about 2 to 3 miles and it really helps me feel better in every way. I'm also helping myself by getting together with some dear friends. I love to have the time to sit and talk heart to heart. All other kinds of conversation feel empty, and like the glossy finish over the messy truth. Taking care of myself in these ways and other ways is critical for me. 

Onto the musical part of my life… The Miller's and I did a Christmas Concert on November 29th. We did it at Ryan's studio. It seats about 55 people. It was wonderful. I had to cry and be a basket case with my husband a few hours before the performance. That part of me that hates to put myself out there in any kind of way that implies I'm an entertainer who is now going to give you a show.... well, she freaked out and Nate helped talk her down off the ledge.  The night went so well and we all enjoyed it. The audience loved it too.
Another happy thing. I've been recording songs! Almost done with a 10 song CD. It's only taken almost 4 years…

So my self proclaimed job title, after Mother is,
Musician/Energy worker. They are pretty much a different expression of the same thing…

They both put a light on the truth and clear out old emotion, misunderstanding, and stuff that isn't serving us. Moving it through and out of the body. Ahhhh, you hear the truth, you get the chills, you start to cry, you relax, healing can begin. That is how a beautiful song reaches me and and how receiving energy work feels as well!

 I have had some appointments with people where I practice energetic/emotional massage and Reiki on them. Sound interesting? It is! I work to clear chakras of emotional blocks and then bring in Reiki energy or divinely guided life force energy to calm and relax the person. Relaxation allows the person's own spirit and intelligent body to heal itself. Our bodies are made to heal themselves and I'm like a happy assistant in the process.   I'm learning how I do energy work and what it looks like for me. It has been good! I've known and met some great teachers who have become my friends and  helped me remove some fear blocks that have kept me from using my own gifts. I've taken some classes and will continue to take more.  I have had the chance to work on some people and have had some beautiful experiences that have helped the people I've worked on and have taught me to trust myself.  I'm learning that in my mind's eye I can see things that can't be seen with my physical eyes. I'm seeing a spiritual reality that is all around us that we all can be quite blind to. I'm getting a glimpse of understanding that we are so much more than what we appear to be. It's making me love my Super Hero song all over again. I'm also in love with my song Thread Bare that I wrote a few years ago. It's  a song I wrote about the veil that separates the physical world from the spiritual world, getting thinner and "Thread Bare".  I am finally recording it! I love the way it is turning out! I love the guitar parts that  Ryan Miller has come up with. I wrote it using 2 chords. He has created 2 guitar parts that I love!

This Saturday I'm doing another Christmas "Share"…. (don't say show)
Ryan posted it on Facebook so people could reserve seats. There are only 55 seats and they went fast between our friends. I'm looking forward to it and I'm pretty sure this time I will just enjoy it and not need to cry it out a few hours before.
I hope your December is bringing you joy through the challenges and then more joy!
Merry Christmas!
Love Kristen Carol

Meet the Mormons

I saw the movie Meet the Mormons tonight. 

It was beautiful and uplifting and I cried a lot. 

Tears, because the people's stories were so rich in all the things that make life so….. life like. 

The theater was full because I live in the heart of Mormondom and we support our own. 

Everyone clapped at the end and I wasn't the only crier. My kids loved it. Especially my10 year old son Luke. Even my 7 year old twins watched it and only asked me once, "Is this the movie?" It wasn't an animated kid movie like they are used to seeing so they were a bit puzzled. 

I've been wanting to blog about General Conference too.

(Mormon is a nick name, The full name or our church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints)

I'm very Mormon.

That means I'm very Christian. 

That means I love Jesus Christ more than anything else and I am trying to pattern my life after him every moment of everyday….moment to moment….I try to live so I can feel him by my side, because that's the kind of friend He is you know. He will stay by your side. He will be with you and let you feel his kind and loving presence. If I for some reason lose that feeling of Him beside me it is because I walked away, not Him.  He would never. I usually walk away because I'm mad at my kids for being slobs or doing something exasperating when I'm tired and I've tried all day. I'll lose my temper or be really sarcastic and ungrateful in the way I think or act. That is when I feel the wretched hollow that always follows when I have stepped away from God in my thoughts or actions. 

Go see Meet The Mormons. It will feed you and fill you up.

It is lovely and interesting and a picture of what really can happen in a persons life when they allow Jesus Christ to be their friend and guide. 

He is the best friend we will ever have. 

If you haven't "met" him, Go seeking. Don't stop seeking until you find.

my life and my loves

It's a beautiful morning where I sit. It has been a lovely rainy weekend and today it is blue skies, puffy clouds and cool scented air.

I took my run today in the foot hills by my house. I saw 3 big wood peckers.
One was bathing in a rain puddle.
The air smelled spicy and earthy. My body felt happy and strong. I am grateful.
 I'm also grateful I had  an especially interesting and fun weekend. My husband has been out of town a lot this month so when I mentioned a conference I wanted to go to on Saturday the 27th he suggested I leave the 26th and stay over night with friends.
Well, thank you! I will! 

I went with 2 of my best friends who are also my neighbors. I'm glad we all moved in on the same block in the same year. Anyway, we attended this conference in Provo Utah called Christ Centered Energy Healing.

It was interesting and fun and I came away with some  new connections to some great people and some new ideas to try on and even some pretty jewelry. 

There were people who do Kinesiology, Reiki, Massage and Energy Therapists,  foot zoning, Doterra reps, nutritionist, all kinds of healing arts like that. There were also artist and painters. One of them even lives around the corner from me and knew my husband. There were many authors, some had written books on how to achieve financial freedom and one author had written about her after life or near death experience. It was interesting to talk to these people and attend some of their classes.

Over the past 4 years I have gotten even more interested in this type of health care and work.

My family and I have received a lot of help from the healing arts over the past 4 years.
 Physical, mental and emotional help. It is powerful and real and I am very grateful to know many people who are good at many of the different healing modalities. 

I've been taking some classes too. I have wanted to be able to use some of these skills on my children to help them with anxiety, pain, worry, panic attacks, sickness. You know, all the stuff kids throw at you. I totally still use traditional medicine when I feel it's the right fit but I also know I have many other very effective,  options with no harmful side effects. It's been a huge blessing. 

Over the past few years I've realized that not only do I have an interest in these things, it also comes very naturally to me. I've always been sensitive physically and spiritually and can sense, feel, hear and sometimes see things that are very subtle and even invisible to others.  Sharing my music and learning to write songs has made me let go of fears and opened me up even more to these subtle energies. I've let go of fear and allowed more light and faith into me so I feel more light and love and positive energy in my life. Music and the Healing arts have really gone hand in hand for me. 

My new room I told you about is a marriage of these two loves of mine. I have my guitar  and notebook  in one corner and my massage table in the other.
Music is really another type of healing art. It can move you emotionally to tears and move you physically to chills. It makes sense for my interests and talents that I'd want to marry music and healing arts and have the opportunity to share and express love in both of these ways.
That's what it all comes down to.
 Love.
 Connecting with, expressing, being a conduit for LOVE.

I am very much a beginner when it comes to using some of the skills I've learned. I'm hopeful I can learn more and grow in this area of my life.






My life. Here are some pictures from the last couple of weeks of my life.

You can hardly see the rainbow behind us.
The past 2 months we've had a million rainbows!

My dog Tabitha thinks I am the greatest most wonderful human on the planet. 

My twins Gwenyth and Sarah are so much fun to watch play soccer. 

They run hard and play hard and are so tough. I'm so non athletic that it is an extra joy for me to watch them be so athletic. They get it all from daddy who is their coach. 

AnnaKate is growing up fast. I love to see her smiling and happy.

Who can open their mouth the biggest, contest. 

Luke wins. 

My cat Charlie purrs and hugs my arm while I read and procrastinate folding that pile of laundry. 

My cat Golly is still mad about something. 

And I'm looking at these pictures of my growing children and trying to figure out how to keep up with it all. 

So far I'm not keeping up but I am getting enough sleep and reading good books and watching good movies. I have time to go to the library alone. It's really fun. 

I never know how to end these posts…..

Love,

Kristen…..

See you later ? 

No because I'm not seeing you.

I'll be back

?

The End

?

For today I'll say,

Love ,

Kristen

today's thoughts

Keep it simple. Keep it real.

That's how I'd like to keep my thoughts today.
I'd like to keep my life that way. I'm out here in my new space with the last few minutes before the crowds come home. I love the crowds, but….

I don't often know what to do with the crowds. They come home with their agenda and requests and trauma and drama to report and I'm trying to welcome them home and listen but still direct and guide how the afternoon and evening needs to go between soccer practice and dinner and homework. 

I can easily lose my bearings, the demands outside of me and the demands inside of me can be so overwhelming.

I think I'd like to ramble on and let my thoughts go but I'm not sure what the point of that would be, other than freedom.
Freedom is a good point though...
 I'm not very grounded in reality at this moment in time though so a ramble could lead to regret.
I'm rather disconnected from my life at the moment. I've been hiding out and dodging my responsibilities. Anyone else know how to do that?

I think it's because my husband is going to be out of town a lot this month and I'm guarding my peace and quiet like a hermit in the mountains.

I cleaned all morning, digging out from the mess of the weekend. Then I was on the phone and getting texts and calls and visits. I have nothing against any of that but I hadn't even said my morning prayers or done the things I promised myself I would do so……

I put my phone on airplane mode and left it all by itself on the table and snuck out here with my little dog. 

I wrote a poem in my journal.

I prayed out loud while I stared at the sky.

I read from The Book of Mormon.

I fell asleep on my couch.

Now I'm awake.

I'd like to tell you what I did this summer,  musically.

I've not really posted my songs on Facebook much  or really talked about it here or posted pictures or videos of me singing.

I haven't wanted to.

I've wanted to sing for myself, sing for others,  record and write  but I haven't wanted to Facebook or blog or youtube about it. It seemed to be taking a degree of the enjoyment out of it for me.

It seemed like it implied a need for validation? 

Maybe I do need validation?

When I share my music or pictures I hope I'm doing it out of a spirit of sharing and giving something from my heart and not a spirit of needy praise seeking. 

So, out of a spirit of storytelling, keeping a history of my life, and sharing, I'll write about where I sang this summer.

In May I had a friend ask me to come speak and sing to his church youth group.

He wanted me to decide what I wanted to speak and sing about and gave me plenty of time.

In my church we call this a fireside. He asked me to do a  fireside.

I've never been asked to do this but I was very happy to be asked and not nervous at all.

For one, Ryan and Bridget said they would come play their instruments and Ryan would use his great sound system equipment.

For two, I was asked to come and speak from my mind and heart and sing and just be myself. 

I wasn't coming on the premise that I was an entertainer or an awesome musician.

I know I'm not either one of those things.

I'm pretty good at being myself and I love talking about things that are meaningful to me and I love singing from my heart and that is what I was asked to do and it felt like…

 a perfect fit. 

I had more fun doing that fireside than I have at any other time I've sung for a group.

The youth and their parents and leaders were quiet and attentive.
Standing up there with my good friends Ryan and Bridget felt fun and easy.

We were in a beautiful back yard with a view of the mountains .

It was lovely. 

These are pictures of us practicing in my backyard the night before.

I had two other opportunities to sing for groups of people and not just myself and my doggy.

My close friend has a sister's retreat every year with her sisters and sister in laws. 

They have always had a speaker or singer come and give them a little fireside.

She asked me to come and said the topic was family history.

One of my favorite topics ever.

Not that I'm a genealogist yet but I love learning about my family that came before me.

I know they are involved in my life and give me so much love and support.

I could talk about that all day.

I have a few songs on the topic of family and those that lived before us. Those we look back on in love and admiration and feel them reaching out to us from heaven. 

It was good to sing these 3 songs for this group of sisters.

My other very close friend spoke that night also on her feelings on family history and some of her experiences. 

It was so wonderful to be there with women that I love to talk about things that really matter and that are precious. 

You don't get to do that every day. So much of conversations are surface level and irrelevant. 

It is wonderful to dive below the surface and connect on a deeper spiritual level. 

That third opportunity I had was to sing at a Relief Society party.

I was asked to choose a couple of my songs that might pertain.

The topic I was given to help me in my song selection was a quote from a well beloved woman in my church.The wife of the former prophet,  Marjorie Pay Hinkley.

The quote is,

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed and with long perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. 

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. 

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping weed some one's garden.

I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. 

I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived"

Marjorie Pay Hinkley

As I was thinking about all the songs I have written and which one's would be fitting for that night and that theme and I started to wonder…

I wondered if I could turn that quote into a song.

I thought it sounded poetic and I loved the line "I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived"

I love that line because sometime I avoid life and don't really want to be here and ask if He could please come pick me up early because is is way worse down here than He told me it would be so come get me.

I would like to come to a place in my growth and maturity that I embrace life with all it's ups and downs and just really LIVE it FULLY. So these words of hers inspire me. I DO want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived!

This was in August when the kids were still out of school so the idea of having some quiet time to write a song wasn't very likely, but then, 4 days before I was to sing I suddenly had a quiet night.

It was only AnnaKate and the twins home. They were wrapped up in playing with their American Girl dolls and were getting along perfectly.

Miracle.

It was quiet.

Miracle.

I sat down with this happy unexpected gift of time and quiet! 

The happiness it gave me allowed for the song to flow nicely out of me.

Hooray! 

So that night I sang one of the very first songs I've ever written called Messy House.

A song to make them laugh.

And then I sang the new song

I think it could be called

I want the Lord to know.

A song to make them cry.

Both songs were very well received and relate-able and It was a blessing to be asked because it let me write a new song and that is a process that feels so good.

Thank you Cynthia and Robin for asking me!

Alright.

I think I've said what I needed to say…

It's turned out to be a very nice day and ended with a thunder storm this evening.

Could it be better? 

I'll be back. 

new space

So, I'm sitting in a new space. 

Literally and metaphorically. Let me tell you how I got to this new space. The physical, literal new space that is. 

We have a little building in our back yard. 

The previous owner enjoyed carpentry as a hobby and used it as a wood shop.

 We have mostly used it for storage.  

One day I received a phone call that was important to me and I wanted to be undisturbed. 

My house was full of children and activity. I slipped outside to my backyard and into the old wood shop. 

I sat in an old broken rocking chair I got at a garage sale in Arkansas years ago, surrounded by our bikes and other junk. I enjoyed the phone call uninterrupted. 

As I was sitting out there I realized what a pleasant space it was. 

The wood shop has 7 windows and a high ceiling. The view out all the windows is green and leafy.

Why do we use this pleasant space for storage? 

I realized then that I wanted to finish off this space and use it for something other than storage. 

So this summer we hired our cousin who is good at finishing work and we created a space that is clean and painted and pretty.

 It is still quite empty, but that makes it feel exciting and open to possibilities to me. 

My husband has talked about finishing this space for the kids, we could put a TV and a game table and let them be out there with their friends... This idea has always made me sick. 

"Yes! Lets create another space for our kids to be lazy and cook their brains in front of a screen and eat and not clean up after themselves with all their friends!" 

 So I have always said NO WAY to my husband's idea. That day on the phone, sitting out there alone I saw how I wanted to finish the space, but for ME….. and Nathan too. So here I sit. I hope it can be a space used for reflection, retreat, creativity, learning, healing, singing and working. Not the kind of working I do in my house. All that work gets undone every day.

 I hope this can be a space for working and creating things that stay done. 

The metaphorical new space…..

I wonder if I can tell you about it and how I got here?

I don't really know where I am, I just know it's different and a place I've never been. 

That's true for all of us at the beginning of something, right? 

September is a time for new beginnings for our family because all of the children begin a new school year, another grade older. 

I love getting some structure back in our lives. 

What I love the most is the PEACE and QUIET and the opportunity to be alone and do what a please. It is the perfect balance to taking care of them and living in the burst of energy and activity that a young family provides. 

Last week was the first week of school. While the kids were gone I cleaned up and it stayed clean.

 I turned up my music and sang along loudly while I did housework. 

Then I read what I wanted and ate what I wanted and watched movies and napped. 

Yes. I did.

It helped that I got a head cold that really asked me to lie down. 

It felt like a vacation during those few hours they were at school.

So here I go into the second week of school. 

Flinging my thoughts in word form out into the big void we call the Internet. 

My kids don't have my password so they can't come in here to change or delete my thoughts. 

I love my kids, really, I do. 

They are my struggle and strength, my teacher and task master. My purpose and pain….

I'm grateful life feels a little more in balance with them back in school. 

 I'll be back here writing soon.

the 3rd week of summer….

It's the 3rd week of summer. 

The first two weeks were very busy, and mostly really fun. 

We tended 7 month old cousin Harrison for 6 days.

We went to the water park.

We went on an over night camping trip.

We put on a party for the twins soccer team. 

We had a dinner and get together at our house with old friends and their many children.

I went to a live show of The Long Island Medium with some dear friends. 

It was all very fun and wonderful but I was looking forward to a slow down.

This is the 3rd week.  We don't have as much scheduled. 

I've crashed.

I'm partially sane. I'm not being as patient and mature with my kids as I would like to be. 

It's loud and overwhelming and messy and I can't handle it.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet but  things can't stay like this or there will be nothing left of me. 

Today I'm not allowing my house to be over run with children. It's raining outside and I don't care if the kids watch TV allllllllllllllllllllll blooming day. 

To save my sanity I'm posting these pictures of our trip to Florida. 

Nate and I went clear back in March. I'm posting them anyway because I never did post pictures of our trip to Cancun and then our hard drive died and we lost a ton of pictures, including those from Cancun.  So, here you go. I'm sitting here on this cool rainy June day, eating black licorice till my stomach hurts and posting pictures of the vacation Nate and I took in March. 

Here I am, the first day. My body was on the beach but my head was in Utah wondering if my kids were going to be OK while we were gone and hoping I made all the preparations I needed to. 

I've never been to Miami, nor have I ever really wanted to go. We went for CLE classes Nate has to take as an attorney.  This trip turned out to be a nice surprise because I had no expectations and was pleasantly surprised by the culture, food, beauty and fun of Miami.

 We ate a lot. 

We took taxi's into South Beach and walked around.

It was cool and interesting and scary. Some parts of town there were  a lot of drunk and sketchy people who looked unpredictable, like they might pull out a gun or throw a punch or steal my purse. 

It was wonderful to have hours on the beach alone. 

I swam and played in the waves and tried not to laugh too loud and look like a crazy lady playing in the ocean by herself. 

It was hard to do since I love the ocean waves and warm water with all my heart. 

There is a large and thriving community of Jewish people in Miami. I didn't know this. I loved seeing them dressed in their traditional clothes and hats and hair. We ate at a Jewish restaurant. Very tasty and interesting. 

I have Jewish ancestry two generations back so I would have loved to have spent more time in this part of town. I would love to learn more about Jewish religion and tradition since I feel like I don't know anything about anything. 

Every cab driver we had was from a different country. It was very interesting to talk to them. 

It made me love America more and value the opportunity and work America provides us. 

The most touristy thing we did was ride around South Beach on Segway's on a guided tour.

Wow was it fun!

 nerdy tourists smiling happily

Versace Mansion behind us. 

Botanical Gardens

Our favorite part of town was Espanola Way.

Wonderful restaurants and ambiance. 

I want to buy a Segway.

We also met up with some wonderful friends from the law school days.

Abram and Julie Smith.

They live in Miami.

They bought us breakfast and brought all SEVEN of their well behaved and beautiful children. 

It was wonderful to catch up with them and reminisce.

They recommended we check out the Vizcaya Mansion that was just a few minutes away. 

We loved it.

The mansion was so fun and beautiful and had such a happy feeling about it.

The gardens were amazing too.

The best part of the whole trip was the concert.

The first day on the beach Nate was looking online to see what was going on around Miami. 

He asked me if I'd want to go see Sting and Paul Simon in concert together.

This was on the first day when my body was on the beach but my head was in Utah.

 I wasn't thinking clearly.

He asked me this golden question and I actually hesitated. I actually didn't really know if I cared to go….?

What?!

I loved Sting and Paul Simon in high school and college. I had all their CD's and knew all their songs. 

I worried that maybe the tickets were too expensive but thank goodness Nate was thinking straight and bought the tickets. 

It was the highlight of the trip. 

You know when you go to a really really good concert and the music is so good it's a spiritual experience and you have chills all over your body and cry tears of joy? !

Well that's how this was for me. 

Sting was so hot. 

Hot as in incredibly handsome.

He is 60 for goodness sake and I could see his toned abs through his his t-shirt on the jumbo tron.

His voice was so STING! 

To see the real friendship and admiration Sting and Paul Simon had for each other was something.

They harmonized and played songs together like it was meant to be.

I have fallen in love with all their music all over again. 

I also have been google-ing information on Sting to try and figure out how he looks and seems so young and strong at 60.

He is on  a macro-biotic diet.

Anyone heard of it? 

He doesn't eat your basic American diet of processed, msg, aspartame laden foods. 

Paul Simon is 70.

70!

He was as talented and wonderful as he has always been.

I hope I age well.

I'm 40.

I want to do things I love at 60 and through my 70's…..but then I'm OK to die in my 80's

I don't want to be stuck in this mortal life too long. I think it can be so hard. So hard that I dream of leaving . That sounds morbid but its true. I want to learn how to do Transcendental Meditation. Ever heard of that? Supposedly you can meditate your self away to bliss and joy anytime you want. 

Sign me up! Can I transcend while my kids are all here trashing my house and making endless requests of me? Can I transcend when I'm freaking out over how to protect my kids from the pollution on the Internet or in our food or air or government? 

Help. 

Well, there you go. 

I feel better. 

I'm going to take a hot bath since  I went running in the rain this morning.

RUNNING.

I don't run.

This is a new thing since summer started and I've had pent up panic and frustration energy coursing through me. 

Running on a dirt road in my foothills is great therapy!

 I guess lots of people know that already and I'm just finding out. 

focusing on the joy

I've got to focus on all the joyful fun parts of family life and let a lot of the other parts sink down to the bottom, out of my focus. 

When I keep my focus on the joy and the fun I am hopeful and happy about this family of mine. 

When I focus on the mess and chaos and hurt of family life, I spiral down to

 depression town…

 Not the funnest place to spend my days

 Wandering through the confusing haze

Will they ever learn? 

Will they turn out? 

I don't know, the jury is still out

I try to be the very best mother, but how to do it?

 I am forever a blunder

I bomb the whole night as I break up a fight

I make a healthy dinner that doesn't taste like a winner

I laugh and play with one child while the other one runs wild

I talk to and teach this one while the other one thinks I'm a bad mum

I can't keep them all happy

 I try not to be snappy

I don't focus on the crappy

Because I want to be happy. 

Pardon me, I couldn't resist just going on with that cheesy rhyme.

I went to women's conference in Provo Utah this weekend. It was a feast and a rest for my body and soul. My jeans feel tighter today… but on a happy note my soul feels lighter. Ok, sorry, I'll stop the rhyming. 

Women's conference reminded me of who I want to become and what I want my life to be. 

It reminded me that I want to send out goodness into the world in all the small little ways I know how.

So here is some goodness for today.

Looking back on our Christmas vacation to California.

It's May and I have been meaning to post about this for 4 months!

It love thinking back on it and sharing these beautiful photos.

Let me give you a little back story. One night in October we had Chinese food for dinner. 

I opened my fortune cookie. 

It read, 

"Take a vacation, you will have unexpected gains."

I take things like fortunes in fortune cookies very seriously. Especially the fortunes I like. ;)

I saved this fortune and put  it where I could see it on a little ledge by the kitchen sink.

I thought about it and liked the sound of taking a vacation and the added bonus of unexpected gains.

It sounded interesting.

At the beginning of December Nathan and I were discussing our plans for the Christmas gifts and other plans. We usually take advantage of Nathan's time off work and  head up to our family home in Hyrum Utah after Christmas. We go sledding and slide around on the icy lake. 

As we talked I suggested we give the kids and ourselves a trip to California for Christmas. Maybe use his time off to go some place  warm and sunny.

 Nathan agreed that my idea was brilliant. 

Then we forgot about it for a few days, then we remembered one late night as we were laying in bed. We got on the cell phone laying there in the dark and booked 2 adjoining rooms at our favorite hotel in Laguna Beach.

The day after Christmas we packed up hastily, leaving our house a complete and total Christmas mess. (we came home to a clean house thanks to my dear friend Leilani who took care of our zoo. Thank you Lani!)

We drove the 6 hours to Vegas.

 

The statue of Liberty on the Las Vegas strip

We hadn't made reservations for a hotel in Las Vegas ahead of time so we felt lucky that we found such a nice, new, affordable hotel. 

I could feel the blessings flowing already. The kids hardly fought at all during the 6 hour drive, and then we stumble onto a brand new, hotel with a great price.

It smelled like fresh coffee, pastries and clean sheets. It reminded me of how my grandparent's house smelled. Mmmmmm

After a good sleep and stuffing ourselves to the top on the free breakfast, we hit the road. 

We arrive at our hotel in Laguna Beach. We check in and get our keys, I say "Let's go take our bags to our new house for the week."

I didn't realize when I said House, that I had spoken the literal truth.

As they help us with our bags to what we thought would be our 2 adjoining hotel rooms,

instead of turning left toward the hotel rooms they turn right. 

We follow. 

The bell boy takes us to the front door of a beach house. 

Huh?

What's going on here?

The bell boy just heads up the stairs to put our bags away, the kids go tearing in there all excited about this big house.

As we walk up the stairs, Nate and I exchange baffled happy looks.

As I stand there in this beautiful sun drenched house, I feel a wonderful sensation and realization come over me.

You know those times in life when the veil that separates this world from the spirit world gets really thin?  

When if feels like heaven and all her angels are not far away at all? 

This was one of those times for me. 

As I stand there, I feel the loving, beautiful  presence of my mom's parents and grandparents.  

In life, they all lived in California and loved Laguna beach too. 

 I feel their love for us and their excitement in giving us all such a beautiful surprise.

As I'm soaking up their love, my husband is having the bell boy check our reservation and the price to make sure there isn't a mistake.

No mistake.

No price hike.

This is our house for the next 6 days.

Well thank you very much!

The fortune cookie comes to my mind.

"Take a vacation, there will be un-expected gains"

After the bell boy leaves I call out with joy

"Unexpected gains!"

I can't leave out how God  blesses me as I write the stories of my life. He is the best part.

And so I must tell you, so we can all keep it real and acknowledge that God and his angels are really a part of our every day.

The day before we were set to leave and go home I walked up to the lobby of the hotel.  I wanted to see if the beach house was available for one more day. I just didn't want to leave. The house ended up not being available for one more night. I told the lady how we got the beach house by surprise. She said, "Oh, I see that you reserved two connected rooms but then a few days after your initial reservation you got an upgrade to the beach house. There is no note as to why."

I smiled and silently thanked my my grandparents. :) 

Our family members on the other side really can reach out to us in so many ways. We just have to have the faith to look around and see.

We quickly get our swim suits on and have a perfect day at the beach. I don't know where Luke went while we were posing on the beach? I really do have a son. He isn't in many of these pictures though!:( He was either soaking in the hot tub or playing in the waves. 

Either way, all 7 of us were having fun.

I'm grateful to say the heavenly feeling stayed the whole trip.

 Even after some of my kids got in a fight over something dumb and then said mean things to each other. 

I went in to solve the problem….Instead I lost my temper. Ugh…

It hurts my heart and makes me mad to see my kids fight and hurt each other. Every parent is familiar with this particular kind of pain.  I just made it worse by losing it and handled the situation ALL WRONG. 

 I went into the luxury bed room with the fire warm and beautiful and the sheets clean and cozy…..

All I could feel was, I don't deserve any of this. 

I make the same mistakes over and over. 

I don't deserve any of this.

As I sit there and listen to my husband smoothing things over,

 I feel warmth and love tingling over my head and  body. 

How? How can God love me when I blow it like this after such a wonderful day?

 How could I lose my temper?

Guilt and sadness torture me while at the same time I still feel a physical sensation of love and comfort. 

Nathan comes to bed. He still loves me too. 

Now if I can love me and forgive me, maybe I wouldn't lose my temper in the first place. 

As I think back on this I feel merciful towards myself. 

I'm trying. Parenting is hard to navigate. I feel grateful for a God that understands the intentions or our hearts even when we make mistakes.

The next day we are all recovered and determined to get along.

Storms always blow over, right? ;)

We took the kids to Disney Land sometime during our time in California. 

It had been about 2 years since we had taken the kids to Disney Land. I love that place. 

But just for one day, with a 2 year gap in between. 

Luke hiding from the camera.

The poinsettias were beautiful.

We had to do Splash mountain twice. All but Emmaline. Once was enough to make her cry so she sat out the second time.

 I love the concerned look on Gwenyth's face. I don't know what she was thinking about.

Nate waited in line with the twins for what seemed like 19 hours to meet Micky . 

I had to go sit down and wait for them.

By this time we are all thoroughly exhausted  but the fun wasn't over yet. I have always wanted to eat at the restaurant inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Nate was my hero and after waiting in line for an hour, got us the very last reservation at 9:20p.m. We showed up an hour early because we knew the kids weren't going to last. They were able to get us a table earlier. Good luck followed us to Disney Land.  Good thing, we were so tired. Sarah slept through the entire thing. Head on the table, sound asleep. 

Back to beach heaven. 

Nate and some of the kids built elaborate sand castles while I was relaxed.

Don't you want to go to California?

After swimming in the freezing Pacific ocean the fire was the best.

Oh the house was dreamy!

We ate at a favorite spot called  Taco Loco. I snuck a picture of the slightly grumpy taco maker. 

There was a restaurant on the main level of the beach house.  We could look down out our window on the patio and watch the people at the restaurant. It was a fun happy atmosphere. Our anniversary is on December 30th, so on that night we got the kids settled and walked downstairs and had a wonderful dinner. 

I loved being in the house as much as I loved being on the beach. The ocean was so loud I could hear it where ever I was in the house. 

Laguna locals love there dogs. They love there cats too. This is a Maine Coon kitten. So soft!

This was the bathroom in the girls room. 

Ours was huge and had a sky light and a fire place. I couldn't get a good picture of it though.

After being there several days, I was feeling so happy and refreshed.

 I even had a song come to me as I was laying in the bath staring at the patch of blue through the sky light.

I could hear the ocean and then my feelings started to turn into words and a melody.

It felt so good. I haven't written a song in so long. I was getting worried I'd lost the ability. 

It showed me once again that it is worth the expense and work to travel and work to enjoy life.

 It opens my heart and head again and I feel like singing. 

 This is us in our last minute in the Beach house, just before we checked out. 

I can see the love and light that surrounded our family in these pictures.

This trip was such a gift.

I'm so grateful I have a family to ride through this wild life with.  It is hard and I make so many mistakes but it will all be OK in the end. That's was I know. 

It's now just past Easter season. I'm feeling very thankful for the way Spring points our thoughts to renewal and to Christ's resurrection. God is real.

He loves to bless us and give us opportunities for our soul to grow and change for the better. 

He sent His Son to teach us and to save us.

 His Son is why everything will be OK in the end.