performing live.....owning it

photo by Darin Brunner

I'm out of blogging practice. It's been since August 9th since I've posted anything and now it's August 29th. 

I have been utterly unmotivated to do certain things since August 11th. 

I don't seem to want to 

cook

clean

exercise

organize

wake up before 8 am

did I say clean?

or blog.

That is the list of things I've been dodging as much as possible.

I think I've felt so relieved to have this show done I just went limp.

I've also wanted to get as much fun as possible out of my last 3 weeks of summer.

I am now down to 4 days till school starts so really I'm being responsible 4 days sooner than I have to.

So here is my honest report

on my very first real show 

It didn't all come together till the week of.

I stressed out the 2 months before wondering if Danny my guitarist friend was going to be able to perform with me or if I should just plan on being up there alone.

At the beginning of the summer Danny and I got together and practiced 5 songs to do together at Summerfest but then he could never get together till a few days before so we only had time to do 2 songs.

I wasted a lot of energy being freaked out over this. 

I also spent a lot of time mad this summer that I didn't have the chance to recorded more songs with him.

I stressed out over wondering if I would even perform at all.

I was planning on doing this festival last summer but then my grandma died and I was on a plane to Georgia. 

I was kind of wondering and even hoping for some divine interventions to get me out of performing this summer. Maybe I'd never have to perform.... 

But finally 3 days before I was to perform  I got together with Danny. 

We practiced Reprimand and then

 we finished working out the kinks on my song called Silver Compass. 

Wish I could sing it for you right now.... 

I don't know when I'll get that one recorded.

Danny is an awesome guitarist and I think a while back he was keen on the idea of working with me. 

He is not so much anymore, he is busy and has other projects that are more important to him.

I get that. 

I hope I can either miraculously become an amazing guitarist or find another awesome guitarist who wants to work with me. 

3 days before I got together with Bridget and practiced Jupiter. (My song about my great great grandfather's guitar) 

I then played her two of my other songs she has never heard before.

 In my imagination I could hear a cello.

She listened, then dove in with her cello.

It sounded so beautiful, I was so happy. 

I love what she came up with. 

It sounded so fitting for the songs and brought out the emotion I was trying to create.

I love the cello and I love Bridget.

photo by Darin Brunner

My shirt says something in French. Anyone know what? I just liked the picture of the bike since  I love riding my bike and I love the yellow bird since I love my yellow canary.

These pictures are of day one. 

I was scared and embarrassed.

 Mostly embarrassed. 

Embarrassed that I can't play the guitar the way I hear it in my head. 

Embarrassed that I'm aiming to be a professional singer song writer....who do I think I am? What gives me the right? 

These underlying feelings made me sweat and kind of have an apologetic attitude.

 For example I said to "listen to the cello not me" or I also said "when I grow up I hope I can play the guitar like Kaytlin"

she is my 13 year old friend who played with me for my song Swim away. 

I could leave all these details out but I'm trying to keep an honest record here. 

I was pleased with how the performance went over all. I think I only made some minor guitar flubs and minor glitches in my voice that I think only I could hear.

photo by Darin Brunner

this picture makes me want to get fake eyelashes since mine are no where to be found. I do like my eyebrows though.

photo by Darin Brunner

Darin whitened my teeth in this picture....nice

Darin is the sweet heart I hired to build me a website and photograph this performance for me. 

I haven't had the nerve or guts or whatever it takes for me to watch this video yet. 

I hope I sound OK.

photo by Darin Brunner

Day two

I honestly had so much fun the second day.

I went to a wedding of Nate's first cousin that morning. 

We were out in the heat and it wore me right out. 

Right before I was to go up and perform I was so tired and hot. 

I felt the back of my neck and head and arms tingling in this weird way. 

I think it was the energy of my fear and embarrassment I had been clutching on to evaporating off me. 

I was too tired to hang on to it. 

I got up there and honestly felt like the stage was mine and the audience was there to listen to me.

 I owned it.

 I owned the hope I have to be a real live singer song writer that sells her music and people want to hear her songs.

 I want that. 

I used to hide behind the belief that God wanted me to do this. 

Maybe he does but I also feel like he wants me to do this because he knows how bad I want to do it. He doesn't want me to hide behind him. 

I think God wants us to be honest about what we want.

Not that we'll always get what we want but being honest is the only way to progression and I think it's all about the progression and growth of our souls...

photo by Darin Brunner

I loved holding that dang microphone. I loved singing in it too. Can you see how pleased I am? 

On day one I didn't feel like I could hold the microphone, like it wasn't mine and I was just an apologetic scardey up on the stage posing like a singer. 

I left it in the mic stand and stood there and sang.

Day two I followed my sister in law's, my Aunt, and my husband's advice to 

"Own it!" 

After the first day they all came up to me separately and said essentially the same thing. 

Don't worry about what you think you can't do or who you are or are not. Don't apologize. You can sing, the audience is in your hands. Own it!

So I did.

photo by Darin Brunner

photo by Darin Brunner

My nephews and nieces filled the whole first row! Oh the love and beauty!

It's hard to wait for another opportunity to perform with Bridget.

I loved the way she makes my songs sound.

Behind that cello is her baby boy growing inside her miraculous body. 

Yay Bridget!

After the performance I went to dinner with my side of the family. It was wonderful.

Aren't they lovely?

That is my hot sister in the skirt. She is single and is ready to date. I'm keeping my eye out for sweet, kind, hardworking handsome men. 

This is a really long post and it's kind of all over the place. I obviously had a lot pent up in me. 

How ya doing there? Hope I made sense. 

P.S.

To all my family and friends who came and supported me. Thank you. I love you. I tried to soak up all your encouraging words. Thanks for saying I did well and that you are not just saying that! It was so fun to sing for you.