"You're like 22 girls in one"

 I think it would be so nice to have a blog that I wrote,
 that no one I knew, read. 

Only perfect strangers, who I would never meet, could read my blog.
That sounds like a safe relief.
There is something un settling knowing that your friends and family might read your blog.
Who knows what they think of some personal thing you shared.
 You don't know if they read it or not so you feel kind of un sure and weird.
You hope they didn't read it because then you still have your privacy,
 but then you hope they did read it because what is the point of writing a public blog post if no body reads it?
Plus, a day, a month a year from now my opinion or experience could lead me to no longer feel or believe what I wrote in that blog post in the past….
Then I might regret that my old opinion is written down for anyone to read.
You see my dilemma?

You know that song by John Mayer, Paper Doll?

There is a line in the song that says "You're like 22 girls in one and none of them know what their running from"

(Was he singing about Katy Perry?  Maybe you have to be 22 girls in one to be like Katy Perry?)

That sounds awful to be 22 girls in one. I think it sounds really complicated because I think I'm about 4….maybe 5 girls in one and that's bad enough.

5 girls in one.
I've been thinking about this theory the past few weeks.
Let me expound ;)

I feel like one girl thinks we should keep all things private and close to our hearts.
 Only sharing with trusted friends.
The fact that we have a blog and a youtube channel and are singing any where but church is appalling to her!
She is so embarrassed by all this putting ourselves out there behavior. 

This girl doesn't want to put herself out there! She wants to have babies forever!!!
 I think I shall call her the Quiet Wet Nurse. This girls still thinks we should be pregnant and wants to give birth on a regular basis.

Nursing a newborn is her favorite thing in the world.
 "Let's nurse and change diapers all day!
Hire out the cleaning and laundry! Get a nanny for those big, loud, unruly non new born kids!"
She wants to quietly nurture those in her care.
Bless the Quiet Wet Nurses' heart. She can only tend our friends or sister's  babies these days.
She is learning to be satisfied with nurturing other things in her own life,  instead of nurturing babies.

These multiple girls in me cause a lot of inner conflict.
Especially for another girl in me.
She is not content to sit at home.

She is fearless and loves the whole world. All she wants to do is give her heart out to anybody and everybody.
Let's call her Oprah's Mormon Sister.
Copyright 2012"Hey, I have a great idea! Let's turn our private journal entries into songs that we publish on iTunes!" 

That's so not embarrassing! That's sharing our heart and soul with our big, entire, human family that we love sooooooooo much!
We must teach and reach and uplift all of our brother and sisters. 

Nothing can hurt us. Have faith. Get up. Move it, please.

Let's get the heck out of here! If we have to stay home and clean and cook and do homework for one more day we are going to wither like a dry reed!!!
Where is my microphone? Give me my stage!
When we shine, God shines. What's embarrassing about that? Let God shine through you.
 Let Jesus look out through your eyes and be seen and heard by this tired and confused world."

Oprah's Mormon sister is really fun but not very practical.
The children must be fed, the laundry must be done. She enjoys preaching to her children and singing really loud while we do housework, blogging personal stuff, to tide her over until she has her microphone.

Then their is the third girl. 

She is the Zen Master.

"Let's just be. 

Let's just listen to the snow drip off the roof.
Let's wake ourselves up at 4:00 a.m. so we can sit in the dark stillness.

 Let's stare at our bright red geraniums.

 Let's just breath and be grateful for life. 

What do we need to work so hard for? Life will take care of itself.

Balanced chakras.
Being still.
 Connecting with God. What more is there?"

I love the Zen Master.
I know everything is going to be ok when I'm her.
But she just prays and sits and smiles all day so we can't always let her be in charge.
I'm trying to figure out how to be her when my kids hate my cooking or drop all their stuff all over my clean house.
Or when they refuse to wear the darling and practical outfit I just bought for them, that they picked out and said they would wear but now they won't because they want to wear the ratty clothes from last summer  that they won't let me throw away and we are late for school and I just want to be a nice mom but how can I when they are so exasperating???!
The Zen Master is so elusive. I can never hang on to her as long as I want to.

Girl #4….
The Mirror.
"I'm you and you're me. When I'm with you, I am you.
 I empathize and imagine so deep how it feels to be you, I forget I am me and only feel like you.
When you cry, I cry. When you feel pain, I literally feel physical pain too."
This can be quite distressing. I've had friends go through some hard divorces. It has plunged me into sadness and confusion with them. My sweet husband will come home and all I see is the man they are divorcing. Nate has to remind me he is not those men, he is Nate and he is kind and my best friend. "Oh ya! Thanks. I've been empathizing too much today and forgot who I was and what my life is about."
It even happens every time I watch a movie or TV show I find interesting.
After I saw Gravity I was in shock. I didn't want to speak above a whisper. The whole theater of teenagers stood up and started blabbing away. I sat there wanting to plug my ears and curl into the fetal position. I wanted to say to them "How can you get up like nothing just happened to us? We almost died? We were alone in space! Spinning and spinning and freezing and lost. We just made it back to Mother Earth and our legs can't handle gravity. How can you stand there and laugh and blab to your friends? We almost died!"
My husband, who knows I'm weird didn't question me at all when I whispered to him after the movie. "I need to go straight to the car and straight home. Don't talk." He believed me, thank goodness. Put the kids to bed himself while I washed dishes alone in my dim kitchen,  my ears still feeling like they were hyper sensitive and my head feeling open and tingly.
It took me 12 hours before I stopped feeling like I was the smart and beautiful Sandra Bullock.
Wow, It feels great to be Sandra Bullock.
The Mirror Girl, makes us late. It's not our fault, it's her fault we are always late.
We miss a lot of freeway exits too because she is lost in the beautiful blue of the sky or swept up in ecstasy by the sight of the perfect puff of the clouds. My kids know when she starts to drive.
They must feel it somehow.
They say, "Mom! The turn is coming up"
At times it's like she is crystal clear and who ever she is with shines right through her.
There is no time or space, no barriers. She can feel her deceased grandparents close by, sometimes she can feel your deceased grandparents close by. The angels make much better company than the mortals.

How am I even functional with all these sensitive  and emotional girls living in me?
Maybe I have undiagnosed multiple personality syndrome?

Thank goodness for girl number 5.
She get's the job done.
I shall call her No Nonsense Nellie.
She gets the laundry done, the meals cooked and the dishes washed and she even enjoys it!
She takes quiet satisfaction in her simple work.
 She doesn't need anything fancy.
Her beat up minivan is great as long as it's clean and runs well.
She loves a good cheeseburger with fries and a coke.
 She lets the other girls worry about what too many cheeseburgers is doing to us.
(She can have as  much coke and cheeseburgers as she wants as long as she keeps doing the laundry!)


I think unity must be our goal.
Inner conflict and arguments with voices in my head can get tiresome, as I'm sure you can imagine. Maybe you have the same problem, :) Maybe we all do?


Well this has been fun.
Theorizing about the multiplicity of my personalities is a great way to entertain myself.
Now if Oprah's Mormon Sister can convince the Quiet Wet Nurse that we should publish this post then maybe we are making progress…..