Thankful

I had one of the funnest and yummiest Thanksgivings of my life. I'll post pictures when I have a chance. Not today though...
The twins and I are dedicating this day to staying in our pajamas and taking it easy. They are playing play dough and playing with every toy we own. You should see my house. I am reading good books and writing a song. I'm also practicing Oh Holy Night for the Relief Society Christmas party. I think I'll sing it tomorrow for the residents at the retirement home, that seems like it would be good practice. I'll take pictures when I go, I'm sure it will be fun.

I'm feeling really grateful today

Grateful for my husband.

 I can tell him all the secrets of my heart and he listens and tries to understand me....and then he does understand me and he loves me. 

We are so much alike but we are very very different too.

 His brain operates so differently than mine it seems. 

He says his mind is much simpler than mine and he says he doesn't need much to be happy in life. 

 I feel like my thoughts and emotions are this complicated calculus problem that only God can figure out.

 I feel like I need so much. I need answers, I need guidance I need tons and tons of love.  

For example,  I was at my parents house on Friday to go through some things of my Grandmother's. 

My mom and my Aunt Sandra have gone through her house and all her things and are preparing it to sell. 

My mom brought home such beautiful things that belonged to both of my Great Grandmothers. 

Standing there looking at the figurine my Great Grandmother Eleanor brought home from Germany and the salt and pepper shakers she brought home from Czechoslovakia I was in wondering awe. 

How did she travel by boat to these countries? How did they save enough money? 

What was it like to travel in those big ships?

 I kept forgetting my great Grandfathers name....One is named Seth Fletcher, what was the other's name?......Reuben Bellus. 

It seemed so wrong that I could forget their names.

 It seemed so wrong that I didn't know all details of the adventures of their lives. 

I felt so sad and separated from them. I cried.

Maybe for Nate this would have been a simple experience of getting some family treasures to bring home but for me it stirred up unexpected feelings of longing and missing and sadness. 

We drove to Hyrum that night to be with Nate's side of the family.

 We took 2 separate cars so we could fit a friend for Luke and one of our nieces.

 I only had AnnaKate and Afton.

 I turned up the music loud and cried in the dark the whole way.

 AnnaKate and Afton playing and talking in the back seat had no clue. 

I cried because I missed my Grandparents. I cried because I missed my great grandparents who I've never known in this life. 

I cried because this life is a confusing foggy place where we forget about things that are unforgettable and precious. 

The next morning Nate woke up before me and I was alone in bed. 

As I was laying there memories of my Grandmother's house were vivid in my mind.

 They floated and swirled around me like a big white down comforter. 

I could smell the coffee, I could hear the sounds in the house.

 I could see my Grandma in her slippers in the kitchen with the pastries on the counter.

 It was all right there in my mind and if felt just like when I was little. Nothing to do but relax and let my grandma take care of me, swim in the pool, watch mtv. 

It felt so wonderful to be there in my mind.... 

 "It will be ok, the forgetting is only temporary. Just rest, be happy, we all love you and miss you too"

 I felt her saying to me as I fell  back to sleep. 

She must have heard me crying the night before.

I am thankful to feel their love. I am trying to be content with these gentle feelings and memories. 

This life is so precious for our overall eternal education but sometimes it just feels so confusing and sad. The song I'm working on today expresses the heaviness but balanced by the hope I have. 

Lost

I wander

As a stranger in the earth

Tethered by silver chords to this body of clay

But someday cut free

The book of life recorded inside of me

Every word I spoke

Everything I've done

Recorded in my soul

I will be my own judge

The next time my grandparents come to visit me
With my faith could I part the veil?
Their faces I long to see

My eyes are closed I cannot see the angels flying over me

But this veil over the earth is wearing thin

Thread bare and tattered

Soon it will burst, we won't be held within

Tethered by silver chords to this body of clay

But someday cut free

Light will pump through our veins

That isn't all of it. I haven't figured the whole thing out yet. It has a good beat when I sing it and it sounds hopeful and exciting I think. 

Well it's 3:39 and all the kids are home romping and playing in our messy house. 

Perhaps I should take a shower.....or clean up the toys.....

I hope you are having a lovely day too

Love
Kristen

dear friends and small steps

Sorry about the video on my last post. When I posted it it worked and now it doesn't. 

Don't know how and don't have time to fix it :( 

I did want to post about my wonderful friends that came to dinner Monday night. 

It was so good to see them and be with them.

 I think a trip to Illinois is going to have to come sooner than I thought.

 I don't want so many years to pass before I see the Blasi's again.

 The Blasi's came for dinner. I ordered Chinese food because that's the kind of hostess I am.
 The Blasi's are from Illinois. I met them when I was a missionary.
They were members of  the small branch in Monmouth Illinois.
They were my best friends on the mission.
 They made the hard times easier to take.
When I was there Eli was a baby. He is now 16. He is the one wearing the funny BYU hat.
All 4 of my girls fell in love with the 3 Blasi boys.
 Especially AnnaKate and Gwenyth. Our kids had so much fun together.
 I was a little surprised that their 16, 15, and 10 year old boys had such a good time with all my girls and my little boy. 

Here is Noah practicing his braiding skills on AnnaKate's long hair. 

She isn't enjoying his attention at all. ;) 

When she got home from school the next day she showed her best friend Erin his picture with a twinkle in her eye. 

I can't wait to take my kids on a church history tour in Nauvoo Illinois and stop for dinner at the Blasi's. 

After dinner they asked me to sing them a song.

 I went sweaty and cold. I haven't been practicing or playing my songs.

 I am forgetting many of my songs. (don't panic, I have them all written down and recorded on my iphone) 

I had to struggle to remember how and what to play for them.

 If I can't even play my own songs I think that presents a problem, what do you think? 

I played them  The News and  my kids begged to hear Messy House. 

Messy House is my kids favorite. 

I don't know why it's their favorite, I'm just complaining about how they trash the place.

 After I sang Messy House the Blasi's were off to Park City but Ezra, their youngest suggested they clean up the basement before they leave. 

He must have been listening well to the words ;) 

My pride and fear issues are keeping me from taking little steps forward.

 I was talking to a very dear friend and she told me some things I didn't want to hear and didn't believe at first.  

My pride and fear got in the way of understanding. 

 But after experiencing how uncomfortable I get to even be asked to sing for dear friends as the Blasi's I realized my friend was right. 

  I have not been taking the small steps to progress, I have been hoping maybe I could skip the small steps.

 I was hoping I could skip the hard parts and have this whole process be easy and fun.

I was hoping I could skip the small, seemingly not as crucial steps.

 Nope. 

Every step is crucial when you are climbing a mountain. Not one step up the path can be skipped.

Just like my Gwenyth can't skip her 4th, 5th, and 6th year of life because she just wants to be a big girl, I can't skip the many small steps I must take to progress in music. 

So in response to my need to take small steps I went to the nursing home down the street and set up a time for me to go once a week to sing to the residents while my twins are at preschool. 

Another small step I was privileged to take...

Tuesday night was our Young Women's night of Excellence (it's where we celebrate the girls and all that they are doing in their life.) 

at the last minute Cindy asked me to sing one of my songs. 

I whipped up a band real quick. We went to one of the class rooms in the church and "rehearsed" 

Kaytlin played soprano ukulele, Emmaline sang back up.

Up their with my impromptu band it was all fun and no sweat.

I feel so much better physically and emotionally now that I'm trying to take the necessary small steps forward.

Emotional pain and stagnancy can result in physical pain for me and I think for all of us. 

It's Thanksgiving today. I am thankful for so much.

 My life is bursting with blessings and I'm ready to over eat and nap in celebration of these blessings.

Hope you are having a wonderful day. 

Love, 

Kristen

AnnaKate

Yesterday I went to the temple. It was good. It was what I needed. I felt so much better even though I didn't really get any specific answers. Sometimes answers come loud, clear, specific and drenched in love. Sometimes answers come like ideas coming from outside myself, whispered in my ear by an unseen friend. 

Sometimes answers come from something I read or hear on TV. 

Recently answers have come in  phone calls with divinely perfect timing from my mom or my best friend.

I'm always looking. I'm always straining to hear.  I'm always trying to find my way closer to Him. 

Don't you think it can get exhausting? 

This life I mean.

Supposedly it's really short so I'm sure we'll all survive. 

I posted this song AnnaKate sang for her recital. (Nate's video posting instructions are excellent)

I love the words of the song. 

AnnaKate is my second baby. 

She is 10 years old now. 

 She was scared to sing and didn't want to do it. 

She did it anyway and sounded great. 

I was a very proud mama.

She sang this song again today at a nursing home. She was scared again and didn't want to do it. 

She did do it.

I was proud again.

AnnaKate has taught me and continues to teach me and stretch me as a mother and as a human being.

Sometimes I resent being stretched but I'm sure before we came to earth we agreed we both needed to learn from each other. 

I am her mother and she is my daughter but we are both teachers for one another. 

I have just as much to learn from her as she does from me. 

She reminds of this almost daily. 

From the moment I heard her first cry 

 I could feel the intensity of her spirit. 

I could tell I was in for it. 

Thanks for choosing me as your mother AnnaKate. 

I needed you. 

up and down

I want to post..... mostly so my imperfect song video isn't the first thing readers see/hear when they come to my blog. This whole music thing really makes me feel vulnerable and sends me on emotional roller coasters. The highs are delicious and make me deliriously and electrically buzzing with joy. The lows make me sick and on the verge of tears that finally turn me into a weepy little girl. I'd rather not hand out my fragile imperfect heart in the form of Cd's. I'd rather keep my heart locked in my chest where it's relatively safe. I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a steep foreboding mountain covered densely with trees that I can't see clearly through. The amount of work I have to do on a daily basis as a mom and wife and home manager is weighing on me today and I want to add to it by trying to be some kind of singer song writer? What am I doing?   I'm overwhelmed. Simple tasks like cleaning my kitchen make my thoughts spiral down into the black.. I start to ask myself how many more messes will I clean up alone in this kitchen? Then I realize we are out of toilet paper, dishwasher soap, and frozen chicken. That means I have to go to Costco. How am I going to stay within our budget at Costco?! I walk into that store and lose all self control and judgement. Next thing I know I've spent hundreds of dollars. I do not want to take my twins to Costco tomorrow....you see? Down, down, down they go.
My husband has been working loooooooong hours and my twins have been really sick. This week the kids get out at 1:30 instead of 3:30 from school. These are all reasons for my weepy exhaustion. But mostly its feeling vulnerable and exposed. But here I am again spilling my heart on my blog. I have this need to write and be honest and open and yet that's what makes me feel so vulnerable. What am I to do? I'll tell you what I do. Eat cheese burgers and fries and cokes and chocolate and read and pray and cry. I get answers when I pray and cry. Today I got one I wasn't too happy about. Good thing I'm going to the temple in the morning. I can  confirm I heard Him right. He can sort through my head and throw out all the junk.

I could wait till this mood blows over to post but posting helps them blow over. I could wait to post but I like blogs that are real. I like blogs that have ups and downs so I don't feel like I'm the only one that gets sad even though my life is full of goodness and blessings. I must be real with myself and with anybody reading this.

 This music mess has shown me I have such a little sister mentality. I just want someone older and wiser to take over.  I just want someone who knows what they are doing to rescue me from all these new things I'm trying to do. I want a real blogger to fix my blog. I want a real musician to fix my songs. I want a real vocal coach to fix my voice. I want I real camera, I want a real computer I want I want I want.

Now I want to go to bed.
I hope the twins sleep tonight.
 I'll be better soon.
 There is always an up after a down.

Silver Compass

Despite all that it lacks for now, can you hear a potentially cool song?

 I know what it means to me, does it have any meaning to you? 

Like many of my songs it's a conversation between fear and faith. 

Faith wins.

If I had time to be a perfectionist and re-do this video I would but you wouldn't believe me if I told you of the herds of children I have thundering through my house.

Do you like how I magically change rooms at the end? 

I told you I had super powers.

My brilliantly loving husband re-figured out how to post a video on our computer.

 It only took him an hour and half. 

He only has a law degree and a mind brimming with logical problem solving skills! 

If it took him an hour and a half how do these non MAC computer makers expect regular people to figure out non MAC computers!?

He wrote down the instructions for me with pictures and everything. 

I'll post another video all by myself like a big girl soon!

Have a great day. I'm going to no matter what my kids throw at me.

vacation is over

I've been taking a vacation from the guitar. It's been such a long vacation my nails have been able to grow. I've had long fingernails since I was 12. Growing long fingernails comes much more naturally to me than playing the guitar. 

Tragically I have to cut them off if I want to play the guitar.

 I don't know how Dolly Parton does it.

I'm singing Oh Holy Night for the Relief Society Christmas party. I must learn how to play it on the guitar.

I've been practicing. It takes me 5 minutes to go from E minor to B 7 so that's something to work on before Dec 14th. 

But for this song I am willing to cut my fingernails off so I can practice.

And since my nails are now ruined I might as well sing you a song on my blog like I said I would.

 I recorded it today and hopefully my husband can show me how to post it with the better camera. 

My finger tips are red and throbby. My calluses are gone after my guitar vacation. Ouch. 

After you hear me play the song you might wish I'd go back to growing finger nails instead of playing the guitar ;)

did you wonder if I was ever coming back?

I can tell when I haven't blogged in a while. I turn everything I'm doing into a blog post in my head.  I write blog posts in my head for days until I have a head ache and I can't take it any more I have to type a for real blog post! I've been too busy and crazy to blog the past 11 days. I've been sending my demo off into the big wide world and it has made me feel so vulnerable.  Mostly though, it's made me feel a sense of closure..... like I've handed my homework in and there is nothing I can do now but relax. That feels good. 

Can I just say thanks to my friends who have listened to my demo and been so kind. I really appreciate it!  Thank you so much and I love you!

It was daylight savings today. We turned our clock back and hour and this day just won't end. At 6:40p.m. I was exhausted and feeling like it was time to get the wild kids in bed. That's what I'm going to do now. I'll be back and tell you how it went. Nate is out of town so It's all me baby! When he is gone and I'm not waiting around for him to save me I get the kids down way faster anyway. Nate takes good care of me so sometimes when he is around I get lazy and wait for my bedtime hero to rescue me from the bedtime rebels. This can result in the kids getting to bed an hour and a half late because the bedtime hero likes to stop and watch the game as he is puts the bedtime rebels to bed....

I'm back. I was efficient but I don't know if I was nice enough. Luke said I say everything in a mean voice. Hmmmmm. I tried to explain I say things nice the first 10 times but nobody listens to nice mom so I have to get serious and talk in my I mean business voice. He said. "Then how come I never hear you say it in a nice voice?" then I tried to say again.... nobody listens nobody hears my nice voice... He didn't buy it. He just put the blankets over his head and said again he never heard me say it nice. This might sound funny but honestly this is the struggle of my life as a mother. Trying to find the right balance between being loving, kind, patient, long suffering, selfless but at the same time setting limits, boundaries, rules and consequences for my children. I really feel like I mess up a lot. I can crack the whip and get my kids moving in a hurry but then they just think I'm a meany. I don't think I'm being mean. It think I'm being firm and setting limits and not letting my kids walk all over me... but maybe I'm just mean. Am I ever going to figure this out or am I going to raise my kids and be a confused wreck the whole time. Are they are just going to grow up and have to forgive me when they have their own wild children? Oh the circle of life. I would really like to get a report card from Heavenly Father on what he thinks of my mothering tactics. Even if he gave me all F's at least I'd know for sure I was doing it wrong. This is the main reason I get baby hungry. You don't have to discipline a baby. You just love and hold and treasure and nurse and change poopies. I would give myself all A's in the taking care of infants department. I had the sweetest sleepiest babies. I could solve all their problems. I could nurse them and wrap them up just right and put them to bed. They were mine and I was theirs. Now we just make each other mad. I'm mad because I've been saying for the past 10 years "put your shoes away, make your bed, don't eat on the carpet, don't throw your gum on the floor, flush the toilet, talk nice, eat your dinner." I guess they are mad because I don't give them everything they want like when they were babies. I think also they are mad because they don't want to share me with their siblings. Well, if you came here for answers to life's hard questions, sorry, not today. 

So, I've been thinking it's high time I sing you a song. I sit and type about these genius songs I make up in the shower and yet I never sing them for anyone but myself. I can't sing for you right this minute because I'll wake up 4 of my kids and disturb Emmaline while she does her homework. I feel like singing loud and mad right now so you know I better let that pass and I'll sing for you when the kids are at school.

And now for a truck load of pictures.

Pre-school field trip to the  pumpkin patch. No Gwenyth in the picture because she said it was so embarrassing and she was too shy.

The bedtime hero is also the pumpkin carving hero. I do not enjoy carving pumpkins but never fear, Nate does. Or maybe he doesn't but he never complains.

AnnaKate working hard

Luke getting grossed out by pumpkin innards

Sarah is just cute

What a happy October it's been

This is the only picture I got of them all together in their costumes. Emmaline was a princess. AnnaKate was a pirate. Luke was a soccer player on this day but on the day of the school parade he was a ninja turtle. He got mad at me because he said everyone thought he was just a regular turtle! Halloween night he was a soccer player to avoid being mistake for just a regular turtle. Sarah and Gwenyth were cute little witches for their pre-school Halloween party. When we dressed up for my parents Halloween party they were snow white and a ballerina.   Sarah was even a cow girl for another party. We've acquired a lot of costumes.

Let's keep this straight. He is a Ninja turtle and not a regular turtle.

Can you tell Gwen is freaked out? One of AnnaKate's friend's had scary face paint and talked to Gwen and scared her. The twins aren't in Kindergarten yet but AK's teacher let them parade and go to the class party. Gwen became desensitized to all the scary face paint after a while and had a great time.

Luke doing his dramatic reading. He was loud and clear and expressive. What a cutie.

This is how it looked as we set off to trick or treat. Perfect mild weather!

I love our neighborhood.

I love my dog

Nate and I even painted the twins room over the weekend! 

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.