outer life ---- inner life

I thought I'd post some pictures of and a video of my outer life while I type out a little of my inner life.

How does that sound?

We went to City Creek Mall in Salt Lake tonight with my cousin Taylor.

It was relaxing and fun. 

My kids are quite enamored with Taylor.

We all are.

Gwenyth's self portraits.
 I found about 10 more like this on my phone.

I warned you last time that I wasn't done talking about menopause. If this is a topic that makes you squirm then you better find another blog to read and hopefully I'll be done talking about this soon. Here are some parts of the article by Dr. Christeane Northrup I found very true.

"Menopause Puts Your Life Under a MicroscopeIt is no secret that relationship crises are a common side effect of menopause. Usually this is attributed to the crazy-making effects of the hormonal shifts occurring in a woman's body at this time of transition. What is rarely acknowledged or understood is that as these hormone-driven changes affect the brain, they give a woman a sharper eye for inequity and injustice, and a voice that insists on speaking up about them. In other words, they give her a kind of wisdom—and the courage to voice it. As the vision-obscuring veil created by the hormones of reproduction begins to lift, a woman's youthful fire and spirit are often rekindled, together with long-sublimated desires and creative drives. Midlife fuels those drives with a volcanic energy that demands an outlet."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Wisdom-of-Menopause-by-Dr-Christiane-Northrup#ixzz1zLXcBowf

My marriage is a happy one. It always has been.....BUT.....

The past 2 years of being on a hormonal roller coaster has been a ride for both of us. We have stayed up for hours having intense "discussions" late into the night.

My husband attributed all this upset to my new found desires to pursue music, and to be honest I did too. I didn't know what had gotten into me. All I knew is there were some things about myself, my marriage and my life that I wanted to change, hence, many late night discussions.

I attributed the insomnia and headaches to my lack of sleep from the late night talks and my incessant desire to write and write and write, songs, poems, I even dreamed in rhyme.

The blog wasn't something I really wanted to do. I thought all this should be kept private and safe.

That was one of many arguments I got into with myself and with God.

By the grace of God Nate and I have been able to listen to each other, respect each other and work to change, grow and improve. I feel like we have grown closer and grown up a little. I'm grateful hormonal re landscaping didn't prove destructive to our marriage. It was definitely disruptive though.

Now back to the article

"If it does not find an outlet—if the woman remains silent for the sake of keeping the peace at home and/or work, or if she holds herself back from pursuing her creative urges—the result is equivalent to plugging the vent on a pressure cooker: Something has to give. Very often what gives is the woman's health, and the result will be one or more of the "big three" diseases of postmenopausal women: heart disease, depression, and breast cancer. On the other hand, for those of us who choose to honor the body's wisdom and to express what lies within us, it's a good idea to get ready for some boat rocking, which may put long-established relationships in upheaval. Marriage is not immune to this effect."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Wisdom-of-Menopause-by-Dr-Christiane-Northrup#ixzz1zLaZWvib

I didn't know how badly I needed an outlet. Looking back I can see that I felt the pressure cooker building. By the time I had 3 kids I felt like I might loose my self, loose my mind, loose something. 

I did go into a depression. 

I couldn't believe how incredibly hard it was for me to be what I thought a good mother should be. 

I was so depressed that I was living my dream but that it turned out my dream was way too hard and I was in over my head.

 I went crying to God a lot about it. How can this be? How could I not have known that I wasn't cut out for this life of wifehood and motherhood?

 How could you send me these 3 children?

God is good.

 He always has the solutions if we are open enough to receive them. 

He helped me stop obsessing over my failings and start having some more fun! Do things I loved, simple things, hiking, gardening, taking guitar lessons, sininging. 

If I was happier it helped me be happier and more content with my kids. Things didn't freak me out as much if I knew I was going to give myself a little time every day for fun and fulfillment .

"Every marriage, even a very good one, must undergo change in order to keep up with the hormone-driven rewiring of a woman's brain during the years leading up to and including menopause.  If this makes you want to hide your head in the sand, believe me, I do understand. But for the sake of being true to yourself and protecting your emotional and physical health in the second half of your life—likely a full forty years or more—then I submit to you that forging ahead and taking a good hard look at all aspects of your relationship (including some previously untouchable corners of your marriage) may be the only choice that will work in your best interest in the long run, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

From the standpoint of physical health, for example, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that the increase in life-threatening illnesses after midlife, which cannot be accounted for by aging alone, is partly rooted in the stresses and unresolved relationship problems that simmered beneath the surface during the childbearing years of a woman's life, then bubbled up and boiled over at perimenopause, only to be damped down in the name of maintaining the status quo. The health of your significant other is also at stake. Remaining in a relationship that was tailor-made for a couple of twenty-somethings without making the necessary adjustments for who you both have become at midlife can be just as big a health risk for him as it is for you.

I feel like the main relationship that went through the most upheaval was my relationship with myself.

 I have felt like 2 completely opposite people living in the same body over the past couple of years.

 My old fearful reserved self and this new creature that is fearless and thinks everything is possible. 

There were nights when my fearless self would be dreaming out loud to my husband and he would just stare at me like a deer in the headlights.

I've never gotten into so many arguments with myself. My fearful self had been holding my daring self captive for years. Now she was finding her way out and there was no stopping her. 

Last summer I wrote a song called Status Quo.

 It goes like this.

Un do what I've done

Un do what I've done

This road that I'm on leads straight to the unknown

I better stick to what I know, keep my life status quo

White are the color of my knuckles

my knees might buckle

my teeth are clenched so hard

I've gotta wear a mouth guard

un do what I've done

un do what I've done

If I keep going down this road

I might get lost in the unknown

I better turn on Oprah re runs and watch other people have fun

stick to what I know

keep my life status quo

But on my way home tonight I saw a shooting star

and I felt like hoping it was a sign

that this is my time

to turn around

and face my fears down

see all those fears living in my head?

maybe I could starve em till their dead

See all those fears living in my head?

Maybe I could starve em till their dead

cuz I ain't chasing no fame 

and this is no game

but I'm gonna speak my truth without the beauty of my youth

but the boldness of my age

Cuz on my way home tonight I saw a shooting star

and I felt like hoping it was a sign

that now is my time to turn around

and face my fears down.

See all those fears living in my head?

I'm gonna starve em till their dead

see all those fears dying on the ground?

I just gave em a smack down.

cuz I ain't chasing no fame

and this is no game

but I'm gonna put my life in His hands

and He'll take me to the promised land

and every time I see a shooting star I'm gonna hope God's winking at me

Yes I'm gonna put my life in his hands and he'll take me to the promised land

and every time I see a shooting star I'm gonna hope God's winking at me

Put my life in his hands

Put my life in his hands

and He'll take me to the promised land

He'll take me to the promised land

With my rewired brain I put myself on iTunes 

It's the same  5 songs I recored last summer but now as I record more songs I'm all set up to send them out into the world. 

See how fun and exciting menopause can be? ;)

just when I thought my blog was getting boring....

Hollyhocks always remind me of my Grandma Cleo.

She had some that grew by the side of her house and once she made a doll for me using the blooms.

Summer is officially here. It has been so hot and dry. There have been fires all over Utah. 

My lawn looks half dead and it's June 29.

My Hydrangia is happy though :)

My one and only cousin on my mom's side is here visiting from Georgia. 

I'm so happy she is here.

We have been busy preparing for her arrival and now she is finally here.

It's going to be a fun week

My days are full.

Some days I'm in love with my life, other days I'm the epitome of complete apathy toward my life.

I feel like laying on my bed and not moving. It all seems like too much work.

Every day I think of writing about my messy, confusing fascinating (to me) life. 

Every day I don't seem to want to make the time to squeeze it in. 

I don't want to go to the effort to organize my thoughts and feelings in a way I feel comfortable publishing. I've even been skipping the journal writing.

Summer with kids in a big happy, social, mormon neighbohood is busy and intense. 

Not very much time for quiet reflection. 

I thought I'd be recording and practicing and singing more this summer. Instead I'm going to doctor's appointments for me and for Emmaline. I feel like I'm taking care of what is most important and everything else is patiently waiting.....

Emmaline has been going to a chiropractor that specializes in  chiro-mat. The mat stands for  muscle activation technique, for her knee and hip pain. 

She is feeling so much better!

I have been going to the same clinic for my interesting hormonal situation.

My blood tests came back that I am post menopausal.

Did you hear me?

I said post.

Like it's already happened.

Like my body pulled the wool over my eyes and snuck me through menopause in my mid thirties.

I thought my iud was what made my cycle stop.

Let's pray my mother never reads this post. She would pass out at my openness.

Now I can look back at the past couple of years with a whole new understanding.

I can also look back with so much mercy for myself.

I've done pretty well considering all the crazy changes my body has made it's way through. 

I found an article called The Wisdom of Menopause.

It describes perfectly what the past couple of years have been like for me.

Especially 2010.
Who knew menopause wasn't all bad?
Not me.
My brain really did morph.
More on my menopausal journey later, now I must go to sleep and hope for sweet dreams.
Goodnight.

Jupiter Summer

Gwenyth posted this before I was done. She is a very tech savvy 5 year old. 

Here is the finished post :)

I've come out of a 3 day rough patch. 

The house is quiet and I am having clarity in my mind and heart. 

I better use this time fast and get a blog post up!

You see that picture? That's me and my friend Bridget recording Jupiter. Actually we are just pretending to play it. 

You have to record each instrument including the vocal one at a time. 

Bridget is my good friend who moved into our neighborhood a short time ago. 

She has adorable children that my daughters love to babysit. 

Her fourth little child is inside her growing at this very moment! 

That is a lucky baby to hear cello music while in the womb. 

Maybe that's why her kids come out so smart. 

Bridget nimbly plucking the strings of her cello.

I tried to record Jupiter last summer but it just wouldn't work.

 After I wrote Jupiter I would sing it and hear in my mind a cello. 

Lo and behold a cello player moved in around the block. We became friends. 

This summer, between all our children and her pregnancy and everything else, we were blessed with some time to work on the song together and record it! 

Miracle.

Last night my family was invited to a family home evening at the Smith's house again.

 They have several foreign exchange students and are always having fun parties at their house. They invited me and Bridget to come play our little song together.

Our first gig together Bridget! ;)

 All of these beautiful people in this picture are from South Korea.

 I think they are brave and smart to come all the way from Korea, learn english, work, study, live with people they have never met. 

Wow, I'm impressed with their adventurous spirits. 

We have gotten to be friends with a few of them and feel so lucky to know them.

They have made my kids feel so special and given them a great experience learning about another country and culture.

Last night before I sang Jupiter I told the group of 25 people or so the story of the experience that inspired Jupiter. I honestly think I like telling the story as much as I like singing the song.

It felt so good to be in a group of open hearted people that were all ears as I shared something that was personal and wonderful to me. 

I'm hoping we can keep in touch on Facebook 

The internet makes the world so much smaller.

Good thing because I am learning we are all so much more alike than we are different. 

I'm glad I have a walk in closet

I would love to tell you about how I recorded one of my favorite songs but I'm trying to recover from doing Saturday breakfast and chores with my children.

 Nate got up early to go help a neighbor re roof and then he had to go in to work because he has a big trial so he was only there for the good part of the morning. 

Breakfast.

 He missed Sarah's long screaming session on the couch "you are the worst mom ever! It's taking too long!"  I didn't dare transport her to her room to scream because I was pretty sure I'd spank her bum HARD all the way up the stairs so I stayed at the stove stirring oatmeal.  

He also missed the several cat fights the kids got in. 

He missed me giving Sarah her new shorts and new skirt as a reward for doing all her chores (hallelujah!) But then hating them because the shorts were scratchy and the skirt bugged her. (more wasted money on cute clothes that sit in the drawer!) 

I found it neccesarry to sit in my closet and cry. 

I wonder if Nate was at home and I was at work if he would spend as much time as me crying in the closet.?

In an effort to pull my self up by my bootstraps I started listing things I was thankful for.....while crying. It sounds silly now. I get so overwhelmed by all me and my husband are doing  in our lives.... sometimes it makes me want to cry in my closet then go to sleep and let the kids do what ever the heck they want. 

In fact that is still sounding like a pretty good idea. Maybe a 30 minute power nap will give me the oomph to help Emma finish getting ready for girls camp and help me find that elusive father's day gift for Nate. 

 I'm tired because I was out late last night helping a friend. My neighborhood is like my extended family. We take care of each other. Sometimes it's hard for me to know if we are striking the right balance between taking care of my own little family and taking care of our neighborhood family. 

I love helping my friends because they actually enjoy my company and say thank you.  

My kids....not so much. 

I think I'll go take that nap and hope things look better after some sleep. I hear the TV on in the basement. 

The voice in my head that always tells me what good mothers do is telling me to go turn it off. 

The survival instinct in me says go sleep while they watch TV it's your only chance! 

Save yourself!

4 fabulous days of summer

Four Fabulous Days of summer.

I'm only posting the happy fun stuff and leaving all the fights and drama out.

Just letting you other mom's know so you don't leave here thinking I have a perfect life with perfect children who I parent and teach perfectly.  ;-)

Daddy built a tree house a couple of weeks ago. So fun for the kids. 

Its been fun for all of us.

We all sat up there for Family Home Evening. 

We listened to this story and laughed.

It can hold all 7 of us. 

Good job daddy.

The 3 bigs even slept out in the tree house.

I had my guard dog Tabitha sleep with them.

She has lazer eyes.

I took a walk with my mission companion and her 5 kids. She wanted to go the the beautiful boardwalk through the salt marsh  of the Great Salt Lake.

The forecast said 77 degrees and partly cloudy.

It was perfect weather  until we arrived. 

Then it turned freezing and WINDY!

Her 3 year old twins were horrified. 

The other kids thought it was an adventure.

It didn't stop Catherine and I from having fun.

Love you dear friend!  Check out her blog at wildnprecious.com

Her writing always opens up my heart.

We had a crepe making party at my friend Michelle's house.

It was delicious and very fun!

After we stuffed ourselves the kids played on the slip and slide even though it was still cold outside.

Michelle hooked the hose up to the warm water, that's why they are all huddled there.

I have loving all the relaxing and fun that summer brings.

Late nights and fun days in our neighborhood.

A post about some songs I've been working on coming soon! 

Oh boy I have been able to spend a couple hours this week getting some songs ready to record.

I love it.

It's so satisfying.

Tell you about it soon and I'll even be able to post the songs on my other sites. :)

www.wildnprecious.com

too serious

Sometimes I think I take my life too seriously. 

This video of funny cats really hit the spot.

When I chill out and play with my kids life is so good.

When I relax and play around on the guitar, songs that need out of me,

 come out. 

When I'm happy my whole family is happier. 

So here's to a summer of relaxing and not taking life too seriously. 

Everything is going to be OK

forgetful freak out

I forgot to take a picture because I started to freak out. 

That's where we were sitting today to practice some songs for summerfest.

We are going to practice next Friday and record next Saturday hopefully.

Danny came over last Friday and I had fun the whole time we worked and somehow avoided any anxious thoughts. Last week our  one hour writing and practicing session gave me a week's worth of joy. 

This Friday for some reason I started to spiral down before he even arrived. 

I don't even know it's happening till I'm already sweating and not thinking straight.

After Danny left I sat there with my panicky self trying to figure out what toxic thoughts I was letting circulate through my blood stream.

It was these ones.

I'm not good. I'm not ready. My song is boring. Too repetitive. My voice sounds weird.

I can't do this all by myself.

I'm in this all by myself.
What's going to happen?
How is this going to work?

Ok well, I hope I learned my lesson.
Next week I'm going to keep my head in the right place.
It's all going to be about the moment.
No jumping ahead.


Last day of school today!!!
I spent twice as much at Costco yesterday in preparation for 5 hungry kids with their many friends.
I've had a house full of 13 year old girls today.
Oh boy.
I can do summer with all my kids.
We are going to have fun and I'm going to keep my cool and when I don't I'm going to be nice to myself about it.

Happy Friday