outer life ---- inner life

I thought I'd post some pictures of and a video of my outer life while I type out a little of my inner life.

How does that sound?

We went to City Creek Mall in Salt Lake tonight with my cousin Taylor.

It was relaxing and fun. 

My kids are quite enamored with Taylor.

We all are.

Gwenyth's self portraits.
 I found about 10 more like this on my phone.

I warned you last time that I wasn't done talking about menopause. If this is a topic that makes you squirm then you better find another blog to read and hopefully I'll be done talking about this soon. Here are some parts of the article by Dr. Christeane Northrup I found very true.

"Menopause Puts Your Life Under a MicroscopeIt is no secret that relationship crises are a common side effect of menopause. Usually this is attributed to the crazy-making effects of the hormonal shifts occurring in a woman's body at this time of transition. What is rarely acknowledged or understood is that as these hormone-driven changes affect the brain, they give a woman a sharper eye for inequity and injustice, and a voice that insists on speaking up about them. In other words, they give her a kind of wisdom—and the courage to voice it. As the vision-obscuring veil created by the hormones of reproduction begins to lift, a woman's youthful fire and spirit are often rekindled, together with long-sublimated desires and creative drives. Midlife fuels those drives with a volcanic energy that demands an outlet."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Wisdom-of-Menopause-by-Dr-Christiane-Northrup#ixzz1zLXcBowf

My marriage is a happy one. It always has been.....BUT.....

The past 2 years of being on a hormonal roller coaster has been a ride for both of us. We have stayed up for hours having intense "discussions" late into the night.

My husband attributed all this upset to my new found desires to pursue music, and to be honest I did too. I didn't know what had gotten into me. All I knew is there were some things about myself, my marriage and my life that I wanted to change, hence, many late night discussions.

I attributed the insomnia and headaches to my lack of sleep from the late night talks and my incessant desire to write and write and write, songs, poems, I even dreamed in rhyme.

The blog wasn't something I really wanted to do. I thought all this should be kept private and safe.

That was one of many arguments I got into with myself and with God.

By the grace of God Nate and I have been able to listen to each other, respect each other and work to change, grow and improve. I feel like we have grown closer and grown up a little. I'm grateful hormonal re landscaping didn't prove destructive to our marriage. It was definitely disruptive though.

Now back to the article

"If it does not find an outlet—if the woman remains silent for the sake of keeping the peace at home and/or work, or if she holds herself back from pursuing her creative urges—the result is equivalent to plugging the vent on a pressure cooker: Something has to give. Very often what gives is the woman's health, and the result will be one or more of the "big three" diseases of postmenopausal women: heart disease, depression, and breast cancer. On the other hand, for those of us who choose to honor the body's wisdom and to express what lies within us, it's a good idea to get ready for some boat rocking, which may put long-established relationships in upheaval. Marriage is not immune to this effect."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Wisdom-of-Menopause-by-Dr-Christiane-Northrup#ixzz1zLaZWvib

I didn't know how badly I needed an outlet. Looking back I can see that I felt the pressure cooker building. By the time I had 3 kids I felt like I might loose my self, loose my mind, loose something. 

I did go into a depression. 

I couldn't believe how incredibly hard it was for me to be what I thought a good mother should be. 

I was so depressed that I was living my dream but that it turned out my dream was way too hard and I was in over my head.

 I went crying to God a lot about it. How can this be? How could I not have known that I wasn't cut out for this life of wifehood and motherhood?

 How could you send me these 3 children?

God is good.

 He always has the solutions if we are open enough to receive them. 

He helped me stop obsessing over my failings and start having some more fun! Do things I loved, simple things, hiking, gardening, taking guitar lessons, sininging. 

If I was happier it helped me be happier and more content with my kids. Things didn't freak me out as much if I knew I was going to give myself a little time every day for fun and fulfillment .

"Every marriage, even a very good one, must undergo change in order to keep up with the hormone-driven rewiring of a woman's brain during the years leading up to and including menopause.  If this makes you want to hide your head in the sand, believe me, I do understand. But for the sake of being true to yourself and protecting your emotional and physical health in the second half of your life—likely a full forty years or more—then I submit to you that forging ahead and taking a good hard look at all aspects of your relationship (including some previously untouchable corners of your marriage) may be the only choice that will work in your best interest in the long run, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

From the standpoint of physical health, for example, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that the increase in life-threatening illnesses after midlife, which cannot be accounted for by aging alone, is partly rooted in the stresses and unresolved relationship problems that simmered beneath the surface during the childbearing years of a woman's life, then bubbled up and boiled over at perimenopause, only to be damped down in the name of maintaining the status quo. The health of your significant other is also at stake. Remaining in a relationship that was tailor-made for a couple of twenty-somethings without making the necessary adjustments for who you both have become at midlife can be just as big a health risk for him as it is for you.

I feel like the main relationship that went through the most upheaval was my relationship with myself.

 I have felt like 2 completely opposite people living in the same body over the past couple of years.

 My old fearful reserved self and this new creature that is fearless and thinks everything is possible. 

There were nights when my fearless self would be dreaming out loud to my husband and he would just stare at me like a deer in the headlights.

I've never gotten into so many arguments with myself. My fearful self had been holding my daring self captive for years. Now she was finding her way out and there was no stopping her. 

Last summer I wrote a song called Status Quo.

 It goes like this.

Un do what I've done

Un do what I've done

This road that I'm on leads straight to the unknown

I better stick to what I know, keep my life status quo

White are the color of my knuckles

my knees might buckle

my teeth are clenched so hard

I've gotta wear a mouth guard

un do what I've done

un do what I've done

If I keep going down this road

I might get lost in the unknown

I better turn on Oprah re runs and watch other people have fun

stick to what I know

keep my life status quo

But on my way home tonight I saw a shooting star

and I felt like hoping it was a sign

that this is my time

to turn around

and face my fears down

see all those fears living in my head?

maybe I could starve em till their dead

See all those fears living in my head?

Maybe I could starve em till their dead

cuz I ain't chasing no fame 

and this is no game

but I'm gonna speak my truth without the beauty of my youth

but the boldness of my age

Cuz on my way home tonight I saw a shooting star

and I felt like hoping it was a sign

that now is my time to turn around

and face my fears down.

See all those fears living in my head?

I'm gonna starve em till their dead

see all those fears dying on the ground?

I just gave em a smack down.

cuz I ain't chasing no fame

and this is no game

but I'm gonna put my life in His hands

and He'll take me to the promised land

and every time I see a shooting star I'm gonna hope God's winking at me

Yes I'm gonna put my life in his hands and he'll take me to the promised land

and every time I see a shooting star I'm gonna hope God's winking at me

Put my life in his hands

Put my life in his hands

and He'll take me to the promised land

He'll take me to the promised land

With my rewired brain I put myself on iTunes 

It's the same  5 songs I recored last summer but now as I record more songs I'm all set up to send them out into the world. 

See how fun and exciting menopause can be? ;)