focusing on the joy

I've got to focus on all the joyful fun parts of family life and let a lot of the other parts sink down to the bottom, out of my focus. 

When I keep my focus on the joy and the fun I am hopeful and happy about this family of mine. 

When I focus on the mess and chaos and hurt of family life, I spiral down to

 depression town…

 Not the funnest place to spend my days

 Wandering through the confusing haze

Will they ever learn? 

Will they turn out? 

I don't know, the jury is still out

I try to be the very best mother, but how to do it?

 I am forever a blunder

I bomb the whole night as I break up a fight

I make a healthy dinner that doesn't taste like a winner

I laugh and play with one child while the other one runs wild

I talk to and teach this one while the other one thinks I'm a bad mum

I can't keep them all happy

 I try not to be snappy

I don't focus on the crappy

Because I want to be happy. 

Pardon me, I couldn't resist just going on with that cheesy rhyme.

I went to women's conference in Provo Utah this weekend. It was a feast and a rest for my body and soul. My jeans feel tighter today… but on a happy note my soul feels lighter. Ok, sorry, I'll stop the rhyming. 

Women's conference reminded me of who I want to become and what I want my life to be. 

It reminded me that I want to send out goodness into the world in all the small little ways I know how.

So here is some goodness for today.

Looking back on our Christmas vacation to California.

It's May and I have been meaning to post about this for 4 months!

It love thinking back on it and sharing these beautiful photos.

Let me give you a little back story. One night in October we had Chinese food for dinner. 

I opened my fortune cookie. 

It read, 

"Take a vacation, you will have unexpected gains."

I take things like fortunes in fortune cookies very seriously. Especially the fortunes I like. ;)

I saved this fortune and put  it where I could see it on a little ledge by the kitchen sink.

I thought about it and liked the sound of taking a vacation and the added bonus of unexpected gains.

It sounded interesting.

At the beginning of December Nathan and I were discussing our plans for the Christmas gifts and other plans. We usually take advantage of Nathan's time off work and  head up to our family home in Hyrum Utah after Christmas. We go sledding and slide around on the icy lake. 

As we talked I suggested we give the kids and ourselves a trip to California for Christmas. Maybe use his time off to go some place  warm and sunny.

 Nathan agreed that my idea was brilliant. 

Then we forgot about it for a few days, then we remembered one late night as we were laying in bed. We got on the cell phone laying there in the dark and booked 2 adjoining rooms at our favorite hotel in Laguna Beach.

The day after Christmas we packed up hastily, leaving our house a complete and total Christmas mess. (we came home to a clean house thanks to my dear friend Leilani who took care of our zoo. Thank you Lani!)

We drove the 6 hours to Vegas.

 

The statue of Liberty on the Las Vegas strip

We hadn't made reservations for a hotel in Las Vegas ahead of time so we felt lucky that we found such a nice, new, affordable hotel. 

I could feel the blessings flowing already. The kids hardly fought at all during the 6 hour drive, and then we stumble onto a brand new, hotel with a great price.

It smelled like fresh coffee, pastries and clean sheets. It reminded me of how my grandparent's house smelled. Mmmmmm

After a good sleep and stuffing ourselves to the top on the free breakfast, we hit the road. 

We arrive at our hotel in Laguna Beach. We check in and get our keys, I say "Let's go take our bags to our new house for the week."

I didn't realize when I said House, that I had spoken the literal truth.

As they help us with our bags to what we thought would be our 2 adjoining hotel rooms,

instead of turning left toward the hotel rooms they turn right. 

We follow. 

The bell boy takes us to the front door of a beach house. 

Huh?

What's going on here?

The bell boy just heads up the stairs to put our bags away, the kids go tearing in there all excited about this big house.

As we walk up the stairs, Nate and I exchange baffled happy looks.

As I stand there in this beautiful sun drenched house, I feel a wonderful sensation and realization come over me.

You know those times in life when the veil that separates this world from the spirit world gets really thin?  

When if feels like heaven and all her angels are not far away at all? 

This was one of those times for me. 

As I stand there, I feel the loving, beautiful  presence of my mom's parents and grandparents.  

In life, they all lived in California and loved Laguna beach too. 

 I feel their love for us and their excitement in giving us all such a beautiful surprise.

As I'm soaking up their love, my husband is having the bell boy check our reservation and the price to make sure there isn't a mistake.

No mistake.

No price hike.

This is our house for the next 6 days.

Well thank you very much!

The fortune cookie comes to my mind.

"Take a vacation, there will be un-expected gains"

After the bell boy leaves I call out with joy

"Unexpected gains!"

I can't leave out how God  blesses me as I write the stories of my life. He is the best part.

And so I must tell you, so we can all keep it real and acknowledge that God and his angels are really a part of our every day.

The day before we were set to leave and go home I walked up to the lobby of the hotel.  I wanted to see if the beach house was available for one more day. I just didn't want to leave. The house ended up not being available for one more night. I told the lady how we got the beach house by surprise. She said, "Oh, I see that you reserved two connected rooms but then a few days after your initial reservation you got an upgrade to the beach house. There is no note as to why."

I smiled and silently thanked my my grandparents. :) 

Our family members on the other side really can reach out to us in so many ways. We just have to have the faith to look around and see.

We quickly get our swim suits on and have a perfect day at the beach. I don't know where Luke went while we were posing on the beach? I really do have a son. He isn't in many of these pictures though!:( He was either soaking in the hot tub or playing in the waves. 

Either way, all 7 of us were having fun.

I'm grateful to say the heavenly feeling stayed the whole trip.

 Even after some of my kids got in a fight over something dumb and then said mean things to each other. 

I went in to solve the problem….Instead I lost my temper. Ugh…

It hurts my heart and makes me mad to see my kids fight and hurt each other. Every parent is familiar with this particular kind of pain.  I just made it worse by losing it and handled the situation ALL WRONG. 

 I went into the luxury bed room with the fire warm and beautiful and the sheets clean and cozy…..

All I could feel was, I don't deserve any of this. 

I make the same mistakes over and over. 

I don't deserve any of this.

As I sit there and listen to my husband smoothing things over,

 I feel warmth and love tingling over my head and  body. 

How? How can God love me when I blow it like this after such a wonderful day?

 How could I lose my temper?

Guilt and sadness torture me while at the same time I still feel a physical sensation of love and comfort. 

Nathan comes to bed. He still loves me too. 

Now if I can love me and forgive me, maybe I wouldn't lose my temper in the first place. 

As I think back on this I feel merciful towards myself. 

I'm trying. Parenting is hard to navigate. I feel grateful for a God that understands the intentions or our hearts even when we make mistakes.

The next day we are all recovered and determined to get along.

Storms always blow over, right? ;)

We took the kids to Disney Land sometime during our time in California. 

It had been about 2 years since we had taken the kids to Disney Land. I love that place. 

But just for one day, with a 2 year gap in between. 

Luke hiding from the camera.

The poinsettias were beautiful.

We had to do Splash mountain twice. All but Emmaline. Once was enough to make her cry so she sat out the second time.

 I love the concerned look on Gwenyth's face. I don't know what she was thinking about.

Nate waited in line with the twins for what seemed like 19 hours to meet Micky . 

I had to go sit down and wait for them.

By this time we are all thoroughly exhausted  but the fun wasn't over yet. I have always wanted to eat at the restaurant inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Nate was my hero and after waiting in line for an hour, got us the very last reservation at 9:20p.m. We showed up an hour early because we knew the kids weren't going to last. They were able to get us a table earlier. Good luck followed us to Disney Land.  Good thing, we were so tired. Sarah slept through the entire thing. Head on the table, sound asleep. 

Back to beach heaven. 

Nate and some of the kids built elaborate sand castles while I was relaxed.

Don't you want to go to California?

After swimming in the freezing Pacific ocean the fire was the best.

Oh the house was dreamy!

We ate at a favorite spot called  Taco Loco. I snuck a picture of the slightly grumpy taco maker. 

There was a restaurant on the main level of the beach house.  We could look down out our window on the patio and watch the people at the restaurant. It was a fun happy atmosphere. Our anniversary is on December 30th, so on that night we got the kids settled and walked downstairs and had a wonderful dinner. 

I loved being in the house as much as I loved being on the beach. The ocean was so loud I could hear it where ever I was in the house. 

Laguna locals love there dogs. They love there cats too. This is a Maine Coon kitten. So soft!

This was the bathroom in the girls room. 

Ours was huge and had a sky light and a fire place. I couldn't get a good picture of it though.

After being there several days, I was feeling so happy and refreshed.

 I even had a song come to me as I was laying in the bath staring at the patch of blue through the sky light.

I could hear the ocean and then my feelings started to turn into words and a melody.

It felt so good. I haven't written a song in so long. I was getting worried I'd lost the ability. 

It showed me once again that it is worth the expense and work to travel and work to enjoy life.

 It opens my heart and head again and I feel like singing. 

 This is us in our last minute in the Beach house, just before we checked out. 

I can see the love and light that surrounded our family in these pictures.

This trip was such a gift.

I'm so grateful I have a family to ride through this wild life with.  It is hard and I make so many mistakes but it will all be OK in the end. That's was I know. 

It's now just past Easter season. I'm feeling very thankful for the way Spring points our thoughts to renewal and to Christ's resurrection. God is real.

He loves to bless us and give us opportunities for our soul to grow and change for the better. 

He sent His Son to teach us and to save us.

 His Son is why everything will be OK in the end. 

the dead of winter to the birth of spring

(one of last summer's performance's)

This song fits this post because I wrote it during the worst of last winter. This winter bit me with the blues even worse!

This winter came in so beautifully with its snow and Christmas cheer, but as it got deeper on into January and February it was like an invisible black hole that seduced me down, down, down into the gray abyss of apathy and lethargy and made me feel like my life was a never ending stream of tedious and tiring obligations. 

It was never going to be sunny, never going to be easy or fun again. 

It was just going to be work and more work. Even the parts of my days and weeks that were fun and rewarding, I only half enjoyed because I believed the story the gray oppressive cap of smog was telling me. 

It's hopeless. You are, everything is, you should give up on everything. 

You are so tired and everything is work and the sleep never lasts long enough, the peace and quiet is gone before you had time to really do what you wanted to do.  

Your house is always going to be this messy and to keep it clean is impossible with 5 kids working against you. 

If you could learn to delegate then that might work but your kids don't respond to your rational delegations of household chores so it's all pretty much hopeless....

This is the sad story that crept into my head and heart this winter. Sometimes I could ignore it and feel really happy, especially during our to California after Christmas! But then we came home and it just keep being cold and ugly and dead  I would remember that my life was all work and the play never lasted long enough to really keep me from falling back into my black hole.

It is now March 4th. By the end of February I started to see the first signs of spring. 

My daffodils were peeking out of the ground. 

One pansy bloomed by my front door. 

The light out side looked different somehow. 

The birds began to chirp again in the morning. 

They stop chirping in January and February for the most part and I'm telling you, not hearing them sing really brings me down. 

I didn't realize how far it brought me down until they started singing again. 

Their happy, early morning conversations makes me feel like there is hope and life in the world again.

So here I am again. I feel like that last bit of foggy sadness has dissipated. 

I didn't realize how thick it was till the sunshine of spring came out and burned it off. Some other great things happened too to bring me out of the gloom but they are for another post.  

 I'm already planning how I am going to prevent such a deep sink of sadness next winter. 

I can't let it suck me down again!

I have things to do. A lot of things to do. 

Now that spring is here I can see that I WANT to do them and secondly, that I CAN do them.

Thank Heavens for spring.

*******

procrastinated performance post

I've been reluctant to post, and so very happily doing other things. 

 I'm finally posting about last summer's performances. 

It's been nagging at me long enough, I can't ignore it any longer!

As you might have guessed from my last post, I feel conflicted about this whole performing my songs business I've started. 

It's so fun when things go well and I'm in the right frame of mind. 

It's also time and energy consuming, and not just for me, for everyone I involve in it and our families. Maybe that's why I don't do it much. 

 Perhaps, in a few years, the time in my life, and the time  of my friends/musicians,  will open up a bit, as our kids get a little older? 

Maybe then we can give this music more attention.  

Or, maybe not. 

Maybe I'm so naive to how busy life gets with older kids?

  Either way, I have enough music in my life to keep me semi content. I can write songs when I feel like it, I can sing loud and long while I'm home alone, I can collaborate and record when we all are able to get together. I love it when we all are able to get together. I would love a bit more time for that. Being creative with other musicians feels like play but with the satisfaction and accomplishment that a good day's work gives. 

Good job Kristen. Playing the guitar even though your hands were a shaky mess. 

I feel proud of myself, looking back.

I got myself all nervous about this performance. Mostly because of all the unknown and all that was out of my control. Will the sound system be good? Will I be able to hear myself?  Will the person ahead of me stay within their 20 minutes or will they cut into mine? 

Bottom line, I could hear myself and we could all hear each other, we had enough time. 

We had a good experience.

My name is Kristen Morris on the poster. For singing I like to go by my first and middle name, Kristen Carol. They goofed up. When they emailed me a picture of the poster before the performance, my name and picture wasn't even on it.
Ouch.
I let them know and they fixed it.....and almost got it right ;)

See, look at us, all happy and free.

It took me forever to decide what to wear. I even went shopping and bought some new things.

After all of my struggling I decided on my favorite mom skirt and a t shirt with sandals?

This picture is funny to me. 

I look like I'm yelling "Hey there Buckaroo!"

 I'm not, I'm singing with my emotional intensity. 

So, to recap.

June 15, 2013 I sang at a music and arts festival at a park in Kaysville Utah.

No big deal to anyone but me.

I unnecessarily got myself really nervous about it, but it ended up being a good experience for all 3 of us.

I think what meant the most to me was that Ryan and Bridget seemed to enjoy it and seemed happy and even a little proud to be up there with me, mixing their talents with mine. 

Taking songs and putting our personal twist on them is very enjoyable.

I've been working with Bridget longer than Ryan and thankfully I know she wants to make music with me. 

As I was walking off stage I heard the guitarist for the next singer say to the announcer,

"You don't need to say my name or introduce me, I'm just accompanying her" 

Ouch, that would have hurt me if I were her. 

As Ryan and Bridget were leaving with their families, Ryan gave me a hug and said he was proud to be up there associated with me. 

That was a happy surprise that came out of this performance and it meant a lot to me. 

Bountiful Summerfest International 2013

Now I'll tell you a little about my August shows.

In a nutshell, Friday's show was a bit a of bomb and Saturday's was great. 

I don't think most people thought I bombed but I thought I bombed. 

Mostly because I wasn't enjoying it. For me that is one of the main, most critical aspects of all this. 

Am I enjoying it? If I'm not then something is wrong. The energy of fun can carry any kind of performance, even if my voice cracks or I forget the words. If I'm not having a good time either are the other musicians and either is the audience. 

The picture below is of Friday's performance. 

Reasons I bombed

1. We started an hour late

2. It was hot and I was worried about my mom overheating.

3. Because we started an hour late I had time to start wondering "why am I  doing all this?" 

Is this the best use of my talents and time?"

I have other interests that I'd like to purse, I started to ask God, 30 minutes before I went on, "Are we sure this is the best use of my gifts? Could I pursue my other interests too?" 

Nothing wrong with this question, just not 30 minutes before I go on to perform. 

My brother was in from New York. We were walking around the park right before I went on and he asked me if I was nervous. I said not really but I'm wondering why am I doing this? I don't want to get up there on a stage and talk about myself and sing.

See how we are not smiling. It's because we couldn't hear each other. The sound system wasn't quite right. I couldn't hear my guitar or the cello, I couldn't tell what I was doing on the guitar, I'm not that comfy playing the guitar even when I can hear well. 

I forgot the words on one song and then I was really discombobulated. 

I think all this could be remedied by more experience on stage.....

But, I don't know how or when or if I want to work at being on stage more. 

Bridget gracing my songs with her cello. 

Love.

Ryan, singing and playing like a very cool person.

Almost every single person in this picture is my friend or family member.

This was on the day I bombed so it made it more embarrassing. 

Ryan's wife Emily was smiling huge at me the whole time. It really helped me! Can you see the smiling blond on the second row? 

My dad is in the back with the sunglasses. He helped me stay focused too. 

Nate was frustrated about the sound and the late start and he sat there glaring.
Not glaring at me, just glaring in general.
He was sweet and said I didn't bomb.

That's my very hip brother David in the blue I was talking to before the show.
He said something to me after the performance that went straight to my heart and reorganized my head.
He answered my question I had posed to him before the show.
He said
 " I know why you need to do this. The only way to touch another person's heart is by opening up your own."
He said it with a mixture of sternness, love and a little choke of emotion in his voice.
He is my wise  baby brother who I adore.
I listened to him and felt the truth in his words fix my head up a little.
I wish he lived closer so he could doctor me up more often.

This is us on the second day. 

It was great fun and I KEPT my head in the right place. 

I made sure I remembered how much I love to sing and tell stories and hear my own voice in the microphone singing. 

Does that sound conceited? 

I know I don't feel conceited, I'm just being honest. 

We made sure the sound system was just right and we started on time.

The only thing that would have made it better would be if I had worn my little gold belt so I didn't look like I was swimming in my big boxy shirt. 

I will now end this very long post with this video.

Another singer songwriter posted this on facebook and I thought it put into words how I have felt.

I think it gives some really great advice for anyone starting out in a new venture. 

The End