good books

I've always wondered if I'm manic depressive. I experience high highs and low lows. 

I'm married to a man who is very, very consistent and steady. We are a stark contrast from one another.

When I share with him my euphoric experiences he looks at me with a puzzled expression.

Euphoric? He feels like he doesn't experience euphoria, just a consistent state of contentment. 

Steady contentment? Wow. How would that be?

I'm puzzled by his consistent state of mind and he is puzzled by mine. 

I've had some hard days this fall. Many days I haven't been the mother I want to be. I haven't been the person I want to be. I've been trying, as usual, to find ways to maintain some kind of inner peace. 

Cleaning compulsively. Check.

Throwing temper tantrums. Check.

Retreating into myself. Check. 

A few weeks ago I ordered these books off of Amazon.

I felt pulled to them like a magnet. 

They arrived on my porch just in time.

A Course in Miracles

(my BFF Oprah talks about this book often)

I also ordered 

Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander

I've never heard of the second book but felt a magnetic pull and knew I wanted it. 

These two books have been bringing me some peace and contentment and relief from my lows.

I have had experiences that I consider sacred. 

They have been beautiful and spiritual and miracles in my life. I think these beautiful experiences have given me a knowledge of God's love for all of us.
They have given me a small understanding that things are so much better than they seem.
There is so much more out there. They have given me intense feelings of love and joy but ironically, they have  contributed to my depressed low, lows. 

I feel a home sickness and a deep longing  for the feelings and experiences I've had. 

It's not up to me when these experiences come. 

These feelings are not something I can manufacture on my own. If I could I would stay in a constant state of love, peace and joy. 

Sometimes I feel abandoned by God and angels who have drawn so close to me.

 These feelings are painful. 

The past few days I have been brought back to the knowledge that I have not been abandoned. 

Now is my time on earth in this physical realm learning lessons and allowing for my soul to grow in ways that are only possible here.
It isn't time for me to be in the presence of God and all his loving angels.
That comes later.
Ugh.
How much longer?
I want to get away from the "ugh, how much longer?" feeling.
It's not a pleasant way to go through the day.
I just want some peace. I just want to know I'm loving and living and growing and feel a bit more on the steady contented side of things.
For today, reading these books are keeping my thoughts from the downward spiral.
Thank goodness.