picture by LeeAnn Samsel Larsen
Don't we look like such a cute perfect family? ;)Ya, well, we're not
Aunt LeeAnn, if you're reading this, I need a new family picture taken.
This was taken in Nov 2009. We all look the same except my girls and I all have longer hair.
The insomnia is back. I laid awake for hours last night. My mind wouldn't shut off. Now instead of laying awake writing songs in my head I'm writing blog posts. I had a great conversation with my sister the hour before I went to bed. It got my head all in a whirl and I couldn't sleep. I think I might be dependent on my melatonin supplement I have been taking to help me sleep. My first bout with insomnia started when I started writing songs last Jan. I felt like I had found a secret passage way in my brain that led to a secret door I never knew was there. I could go to this part of my head and hear melodies and write lyrics. You'd think I would have known before I was 36 that my favorite thing to do ever is write songs. But no. I just found out last year. So now I'm 37 and it's time to be a big girl, no more secret life (see the last 3 posts). I need to merge my inner world with my real world. That's why on Friday night Feb 4, 2011 I went to an open mike night. Last week I kept getting that naggy feeling that I needed to find an open mike night, I need to gain some confidence and face my fears. Oh the pain! Just googling and searching for one in my town made me sweat. I found one that was close to my house. I called the guy who was in charge of it. He said it just started a couple weeks ago and they had only gotten together once. The first time there were only 10 people there. This sounded perfect for me. I've got to start small. I didn't tell anyone I was planning on going, not even Nate. The reason I didn't tell anyone is because I didn't want them to be nervous for me. I didn't want anyone I knew to be there. If I go alone and sing for strangers, they don't know that I'm scared, I can just fake like I'm confident and it will be more believable to people who don't know me. If I brought my best friend or my husband they'd see right through to all my insecurities. You know how when you were little kid on the playground and you get hit in the face with the basketball really hard and it hurts and you want to cry. You can hold in the tears till your friend says sweetly "are you OK?" then you just start blubbering. That's how this open mike thing felt to me. I just needed to go and act like the person I wish I was and I could pull it off. Nate suggests we go on an over night with the kids on Friday. I say "no thanks, I don't want to pack and unpack and do laundry." He says, "I'll just take the kids, then you can stay home and have a break." What!!!!???? Dream come true!!!! To be home alone without the kids is my daily fantasy. (I love you honey) So now I know I'm going to this open mike night, it's meant to be! Right?! I don't care if I'm scared and actually just making the decision to go starts to shrink my fear. My friends ask me if I want to go to dinner or something but I say no thanks, just going enjoy some alone time. So Nate and the kids leave around 5:30 pm and the open mike starts at 7. Nate asks me what I'm going to do. I end up telling him about the open mike. He was glad he was giving me a break and this made him even more glad. They finally leave, I practice 3 songs that I feel pretty comfortable sharing. I get my guitar and go.
Are you wondering why I'm doing this? Why am I spilling all this on a blog for anyone to read? I'll tell you.
1. All of us are facing something that we feel is impossible. I feel like my personal experiences can translate to you personal experiences. I feel like it would be wrong to not be open with what God has taught me over 2010. I need to share it. I feel like he wants me to share it with as many people as possible.
2. I learn best by hearing other's personal experiences and applying it to my own life. If even just one person can learn from my experiences then I have succeeded
3. I need to exercise faith in what he has taught me is. I need to show Him I believe Him. faith is an exercise. It is hard and it hurts at times but it is the only way to grow and get stronger.
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