are they faking it?

Emmaline and AnnaKate both claim to be sick. They don't have a fever and they are not throwing up so in my book they are faking. When I was little being sick  was the best. My mom and dad pampered us. My dad would make me the best peach shakes. My mom would bring the TV into my room. She would go to the store and ask before she left, "is there anything you want me to get you at the store?" I of course wanted  new pencils and fancy pens, little notepads and bubble gum. I loved being sick. In 4th grade I faked at least 3 times a month. My mom knew I was faking I'm sure, but she let me stay home. I've asked her why she let me stay home and she said it was for my mental health. What a sweet mom I have. Too bad for my girls, they aren't that lucky. I told them no TV, and you have to stay in bed and if you get out of bed, do your homework or practice  piano.

Last night I woke up at 2:30a.m. from a heavy sleep and right in the middle of some nice dreams too.  I was wide awake. Then my stomach woke up and started churning. Then I started thinking about all the reasons my last blog post makes me squirm and feel so uncomfortable. I thought of all the things people might misunderstand  or  just misunderstand my reasons for writing it in the first place. Fortunately just Jennie and Melissa have read it. Thanks for your nice comments girls. I thought of my mom saying to me recently "I don't understand young people thinking they need to blog and post their journal on line"  I really love to please my mother so that is reason enough not to blog.

I think I'll just get back to the story before I freak myself out. Just know I have my reasons for writing this and putting it out there into cyberspace. Just know it's not some silly ambition, it's part of my life's mission. You like how that rhymes? I rhyme all the time now. Holy cow. I fall asleep rhyming, with such perfect timing. Pardon my silly rhyme but I am being serious about the life's mission part, I know it might sound cheesy but oh well.
On with the Story
So I keep practicing my song. I don't sound great but I can't believe how it doesn't hurt my voice anymore and I can stay on pitch.   So now its been about 6 weeks that I've been working on my voice, I still have 4 more weeks till the solo. I'm feeling Ok, plus the words to the song are words I need to hear. "I know you wonder, if there will ever be a day when the kids stay calm, the laundry is done and the dishes are put away. And sometimes you feel like your days are spent and gone And the question running through your mind is what have I gotten done? And when you finally have a moment to slow down at the end of your day I know Father would say. Believe in what your doing. Believe in who you are. Hold tight to the truth that you're a daughter of God. Believe in who you're becoming. Believe in who your are"  So singing these words every day over and over and feeling my voice get a tiny bit better every week keeps me motivated to just keep practicing.

  Now it is around Dec 28th, 2010. Nate and I took a little over night trip up to Hyrum to our family cabin/house for our 12th anniversary. We stopped at Maddox for dinner. Yum. We were having a great conversation, no kids to interrupt. Then Nate asked me a question. "what do you think that one part in your Patriarchal Blessing means? Do you know what it's talking about?"  I told him what I thought it meant when I first got it at age 17, and then I told him a couple of my other theories but when it came down to it I really didn't know what  it was talking about. I had been wondering what it meant for the last 3 or 4 years and even prayed about. I really hadn't felt like God had given me a clear understanding of what it meant yet. I figured He would when it was time.
A day or two after we got home I was doing my makeup. It was quiet, I was wondering about my Patriarchal Blessing. I was wondering what those 2 paragraphs meant.
      Then I had this wonderful feeling of love and joy come over me. I "heard" the words in my mind.  "You are going to.........................." Then I said  "Oh? What?, Wow!, I would love that! Then I saw pictures in my mind. I was overwhelmed with feelings of joy and love and it all made perfect sense. I felt so happy to finally have a better idea of what God expected of me. I felt so in awe. I felt so loved. This feeling lasted all day.
     A day or two later I was slammed with feelings of doubt. I was overwhelmed with thoughts like "if God says your going to do that then that means you'd have to do this........................you could never do that" "you don't even know how to........................" 'the whole thing was just your big imagination" "you must just what attention" "you know your too scared to even sing this solo for 30 women in your ward, what makes you think you could ever do more?" I started praying hard to know if it was me or God. I went to the temple and prayed harder. Over the next few days the spirit reminded me of other times God had spoken to me in the same way. I felt gentle reminders of when I had been warned of future events. I felt it comfirmed to me that it was of God and not my imagination. I knew all those feelings of doubt and fear were not coming from God. Then I started to get a nagging feeling I needed to write down the experience in my journal. I didn't want to. I was still in shock and occasionally being tortured with feelings of doubt and fear. Plus someday when I'm dead my kids will probably read my journal's and if I write this down and it doesn't happen then they'll know I'm crazy. Then I realized, if I'm wrong or if I'm right my kids can learn from this. I tried one night to write it down and couldn't. I tried again the next day and just wrote it all down. I felt uncomfortable and squirmy. Once I had it all down I felt better. Then I felt like I should tell Nate. Oh ugh. What if he thinks I'm delusional? What if I am delusional?  No I'm not delusional! I know what God sounds like! These were my thoughts over the next weeks.
     I woke up one morning with  a Lori  Mckenna song in my head "why don't we open up? Knowing that we all falter, when will we learn to reach out for each other?"  I knew I needed to tell Nate. So on a drive home from a date I told him.  It was embarrassing but Nate believed me and I felt better. I asked him for his support in looking for a voice teacher or something to help me learn how to sing. He said he supported me and to do what I needed to do. I tried to find a vocal coach but kept coming up with nothing. I called around I emailed but nothing felt right. I went back to the Singing Success website and bought the $200 voice lessons on CD. I started doing the exercises. They work. That's all I have to say. I have bought the next set and it is still working. I'm wishing I could fly down to Nashville and take lesson's with Brett Manning in person but for now this will have to do. I wish I knew how to do a link to Singing Success' website and Lori Mckenna's website so you could hear her songs. I love her. There is a lot I need to learn about blogging. I'll continue the story the next chance I can. This has taken so long to write it down in between taking care of my twins and my supposedly sick girls. I hope its not too long and detailed and weirding you out. If it is, just don't read the next post.

P.S.
He (God) did not tell me I'm going to be the next Celine Dion. What He told me isn't a big deal to most people in this world but to little old scared me it was and is a big deal.

P.P.S.
I can't sing like Whitney Houston. I can sing like Kristen and that's good enough for me.