I haven't had the heart or the time to blog.   Some of my loved ones are facing extremely painful and awful situations.  I haven't had the heart or the time to sing or write or even do yoga.   Why does life have to be so hard?  Why is it so scary and unfair?  Why do we have to feel so much pain and grief?  I don't want to to do it!  I'm telling you count me out!  I just want to be happy and shut out anything that is sad and scary and just live in a bubble.  Seeing people I love go through real pain puts things into perspective for me though. My problems seem manageable.  I got home from a trip with my husband a couple of days ago. I was sick, like maybe I brought home a Mexican bug sick.  I'm still sick. My kids all have a coughs and fevers. I had bags to unpack and laundry to do.  Normally this would have put me into post vacation depression.  Not yesterday.  I'm just grateful I can be home with my kids, making us all soup, letting them watch American Idol and 19 Kids and Counting all day.  Seeing and feeling some of their pain has put into perspective my own fears and insecurities.  My fears I have about playing the guitar and singing my songs that feel like journal entries seem pretty trivial in comparison.  The portion of pain that I have felt for my loved one was crushing.  I can only imagine how it has felt to them.

So big whoopdydoo if I'm scared of being embarrassed to sing in public.   There is a whole lot worse than being embarrassed or scared of making mistakes.


My first open mike night was a couple of weeks ago on Feb 4.  Wouldn't it be so sad if I was like those people that try out for American Idol because their mom told them they sound just like Mariah Carey  but really they don't, they just have a super positive mom that loves them. That would be sad.  Actually, that might be the case for me.  Up until now I've only sung my songs for some of my family and a few close friends.  Of course they are going to be kind to me.  When I play my songs for my sister and best friend Natalie they make me feel like I'm a genius.  I could be as delusional as some of those poor kids auditioning for A.I.

I get their at 6:45, the thing starts at 7.  I want to make sure I get  there in time to sign up so I don' t have any excuse to back out.  I'm the first one there.  The couple that is running it tell me it doesn't start till 7:30.  I suggest I go get some treats for everyone but they ask me to do a sound check and sing for them.  Perfect!  I can handle singing for this nice couple, work out some of my adrenaline before  more people come.  So I sit up to the mic.  One at my mouth and one at my guitar.  I start singing them one of the simple songs I practiced before.  As I'm singing they are saying to each other "nice" "doesn't that sound nice" "so pretty".  I am loving singing into the microphone.  I'm loving how I don't have to strain my voice and how the microphone picks up  subtleties in the way I was trying to sing the song.  A year ago even the thought of singing into a microphone alone made me nauseated.  I didn't realize how much I'd like it.  After I finished the song the wife said all the things I would want to hear. It felt great.   She seemed sincere and not overly gushy to where you wonder if it's for real.  Just sincere.  She was surprised that it was my first time and asked how long I'd been singing.  I launch off into my big long story then stopped myself because my heck she is a stranger and I'm sure she's not that interested.  She said she was interested and told me to keep talking.  So I did.  I'm  pretty good at blabbing on and on. This dang blog is only making me more of a blabber.   It's opened the flood gates that are my mouth.  Both she and her husband made me feel so good and were so nice.  I was very grateful for their kindness.

 People started coming and just like I hoped it was a small group.14 or 15 total. 2 people went before me. They did a good job and were for sure way better on the guitar than me. Oh help me with playing the guitar. Singing and writing songs feels natural, playing the guitar feels.....I don't want to be negative, I want to have hope that I can improve.  I'll just say, I have lots of room for improvement.  I'll keep working.  It sure would be nice if God would send me a really awesome band instead though ;)

So it's my turn, I get up to play.  I'm only a little nervous.  These are nice people that have come and we are all amateurs.   I thought it was so fun to tell a little bit about what inspired each song.  The talking about the song puts me at ease.  I sang 3 songs.  It was really fun to sing into the microphone.  I didn't mess up at all. That was fun!  People are nice and clap and say some nice things.  Because it was a small group we all went around and sang a few more songs.  At this point a couple arrived late and sang some of their songs.  They were good.  Like, intimidatingly good.  Played their instruments beautifully, sang beautifully, harmonized beautifully.   Now its my turn again.  Oh my.  I'm feeling so less than.  Plus I only practiced 3 of my songs before so now I'm trying to decide what the next 3 songs I should do.  I've written about 30 so It's not like I have time to always be practicing them.  Yikes.  I decide to sing this song I wrote called Jupiter.  Its about my great great grandfather's guitar that my mom recently gave to me.   I start to cry telling the story because it's so special to me. Cry........... In front of people I just met.................. Are you kidding me Kristen?  Hold it together girl!  Then I can't remember how I play it on the guitar.  I'm like fumbling around not remembering the right chords.  Lovely, I get all emotional and now I don't know how to play the song.  These are the reasons I need to gain some experience and confidence.   So I end up playing a different song.  Next I play Jupiter and finally I remember how thank goodness.  Then I play my last song and I'm telling the experience that inspired the song.  If you've read my previous posts it's the one where I'm doing the dishes and have an out of body experience.  I sing the song, I crack on the high note.  Darn.  I sit down and realize what I just did.  I just spilled my guts in alphabetical order for people I just met....................what in the heck!  Did I tell them I had an out of body experience?!  Did  I actually say "out of body experience" to these people I don't know?!   What has come over me?!  Am I nuts?!   I'm sure they all think I'm nuts.

I've never had a very effective filter from my brain to my mouth.  I usually say things that are blunt and sometimes offensive.  This is just how I'm built.  My parents probably made it worse because growing up they thought it was delightful how I just said what I was thinking and was so transparent and unguarded.  Well now this whole blogging singing mess I'm in is making my already weak filter even weaker.

After we were all done we stayed and talked and exchanged info, planned our next get together and that was it.  As I was driving home I felt so weird.  I felt like something inside my head and body shifted or changed or clicked into position.   I just felt different and like things were changing in me, it felt weird.  I came home to an empty house, (remember Nate had taken the kids on an overnight trip and left me home to enjoy my very own fortress of solitude.)  I stayed up late watching Oprah and tried not to think about how I felt like I said too much at the open mike and people probably thought I was a weirdo.  I put it out of my mind and went to sleep.

So now I guess I have to do it again. I need to find out when the next open mike is and maybe in addition, go to a different one around town.  We'll see.  I'll let you know.  I'm sure all 4 of my "blog followers" are on the edge of their seat wondering what will happen next in my exciting life. :)

I'm on the edge of my seat.  I really do think my life is exciting.

Don't you think Nate has a sweet look on his face in that picture?  He is really sweet.