Gwenyth colors and draws like its a full time job / spilling my guts is exhausting

Gwenyth is one of my twins. She is 4, her favorite color is purple, she loves wearing ballet costumes, and she draws pictures of ballerina's and fairies all day. She draws at least 10 a day. Here's the one she drew at breakfast.  
    One morning about a month ago I came into her room after I had dropped her off at preschool. She had made her bed and carefully laid out a leotard and tights for when she got home. I thought it was so sweet I almost cried, or maybe I did cry, I cry often. Then I sat down and wrote a song about how sad it is that I have forgotten so much of what my older children were like as babies and toddlers. It just doesn't seem right that I could ever forget such precious things. 


Back to the story.  I wonder if anyone is reading these oversized posts?  Maybe they are too long. I don't think I can waste energy worrying about that.  I'll just tell the story and if it's helpful to one person then that it enough. 
    So back to Spring of 2010.   I am writing songs and losing sleep. I'm listening to music like crazy.  I'm singing all day.    I finally admit to my husband that I'm writing songs and play him some.   He is very polite.  He smiles and says things like. "nice" or "pretty".  And that's it. I don't really mind much, I'm just having fun anyway. I don't even know if writing songs is part of what I'm supposed to be doing to prepare for what's coming (see the last 2 posts).  I keep having that naggy feeling that I need to take guitar from Danny. I put it off as long as I can. I think it was last March that I start taking lessons. It is great, Danny is a great teacher and teaches me all kinds of new chords. While learning the chords I can't help but hear molodies and write songs. It is just too natural and fun. I eventually tell my sister what is happening in my life. I tell her almost everything.  More than I have even typed in these blog posts. If you can believe, I actually am leaving out some details that are too sacred and personal.  She is so happy and supportive.  I go see her, she lives about 4 hours away. I play my songs for her and she just cries and thinks my voice is lovely and thinks my songs are good.  She can hear the potential. She makes a few suggestions.  She is extremely loving and supportive and helpful.  She really understands me and is like my other half in a lot of ways.


  Then one night I am staying up too late trying to write a love song for my kids. The trouble is I am not feeling the love for my kids in that moment.  My husband was out of town so I was exhausted, the kids had been naughty and tiring all day.  I was doubting myself something fierce.  I was doubting every prompting from God that I had recieved. I was ornery. I didn't realize at that point that you can't write a love song for your kids when you are exhausted and dreaming of the day they all move out!  I started writing in my journal to cleanse myself of my negative thoughts. The journal enrty started to sound rythmic, then it started to rhyme. I picked up my guitar next to me and started to play these blue's chords that Danny had taught me.  I heard a ornery sounding melody in my head and a song was born. I went to bed thinking "what an ugly song I just wrote. Ugly melody"  
    I woke up the next morning in a good mood. (mood swings are my lot in life) I thought about my ugly song and realized. "I think I like that song. I think its funny" That was when I really learned you can't force a song, you have to let it come to you. You can't control the creative process.  I never wanted to write a song celebrating the fact that I'm the moodiest creature alive, but I did and it helped me move out of my bad mood. I feel happy and positive and I think its a good song. 
    That morning while doing the dishes I had an out of body experience.  I was washing the dishes.  3 of my kids were at school and I guess the twins were watching TV or playing or something. It was quiet and I was alone in the kitchen doing the dishes.  I was thinking about 3 situations that seemed impossible to me. Two of the situations were in 2 of my loved one's lives. They were very hard, confusing trials that they were in the middle of. I could not see how these problem could ever be resolved.  The third impossible situation was the one I was in.  As I was wondering, I had the same feelings of love and joy come over me. There is nothing better than this feeling.  I know there are many of you who know exactly what I'm talking about.  I'm wrapped in this feeling of love. I could see a night sky. I felt like I was in the night sky. It was beautiful.  I can't put into words just how and what God explained to me but I'll do my best.  He spoke to me without words, he spoke directly to my heart. I'll try to put it in words.  He said  "when you look up at the night sky you see some stars and the moon. When I look at the sky I can see all the galaxies, I can see all the endless time and space. When you look at these impossible situations you see unsolvable problems.  I can see just how simple these problems are to solve. I can see just what my children need and I can see just when they need it.  I can see just who my children need. You don't need to worry, you just need to love and have faith."  I feel so much love, I feel like I'm so precious and He is so proud of me.  He tells me without words  "there is no limit to you, there is no limit to any of my children, there are no boundaries to what you can be and do.  How can there be?  You are my child.  My children have eternal potential"  I feel so much joy, I feel like everything is going to be so good. I  feel absolute faith.  
    Then suddenly I am back at my kitchen sink. The dishes are all done. I wonder  "Who did the dishes?! I wasn't even here"  
    I float upstairs, sit down with my guitar and stare out the window.  It's sunny and beautiful.  I find some chords that I like the sound of and start singing.  I write a song that I love. I love it because it captures a tiny bit of what I felt that morning doing the dishes. I love it because it will always help me remember the way I felt that day as God taught and loved me.  I don't really know if it is a great song to anyone else.  I don't care.   I wrote it just for me, in gratitude for this experience. 

Spilling my guts is exhausting