LASIK, open Mike, and depression

I got LASIK Wednesday so I haven't been able to blog. I can see really well and everything but my eyes feel tired and achy and staring at the computer makes it worse. I'm finally continuing my open mic story.

This is how I have to sleep at night.  I can't rub my eyes or it could mess things up.........hence, the eye shield. I also clench my teeth at night. I started doing this last year.....ever since the whole, trying to learn how to sing in front of people debacle............hence, the mouth guard.


Honey, do I turn you on?......................Be honest.




Continuing on from my last post...........................

The other two songs I sang were

3. It Won't Be Long  I wrote the first verse of this song one night when Nate was out of town and the kids were asleep.  It spooked me out.  I didn't finish the song till about a month later.  The second verse is happy and fun so I shouldn't have been such a baby. When Nate heard it for the first time he said it was SCARY.  He is a tender boy.  We got  new electric tooth brushes for Christmas.  The day after we got them he was using his old fashioned brush by hand tooth brush. I asked him "why aren't you using your new electric tooth brush?"  he said  "It's scary"

4. The last song I sang is called Possible It's a happy happy song. I like to end on a happy note.  I wrote this song when I was in a very positive mood. I had just watched Oprah's 25th season premiere show. You know the one where the whole audience gets to take a dream trip to Australia and the big plane comes on stage and then the 6 best friends think they are driving to the hotel but they are really driving on the the set of Oprah's live show!!! I was laughing and loving that whole show. It really did make me feel like anything is possible. Sometimes I feel that very strongly, but other times I get bogged down with reality............or what I perceive to be reality............Anyway, this particular Oprah put my mind and heart in a state where all things are possible with God.  Since I really feel God backing me up on this whole music venture, I really do feel like all, I mean ALL things are possible. 

This is James Crowley.  He is the master mind and muscle behind the open mic night. He had a garage sale with his church members and bought all the equipment.  He  gets there early and sets all the equipment up. Stays after and cleans it up.  He's advertised it and gone to a lot of work. Thanks Jim!  I really enjoy his songs. He writes a lot of his own stuff and plays the guitar and sings so well. Plus, he gave me the very best compliment................Oh my, it is so great I don't even know if I dare type it. Will you think I'm a bragger?  Am I a bragger?  I might be a bragger.  Forgive me! He told me that I remind him of ............are you ready?..............Lori Mckenna.  If you don't know who Lori Mckenna is then you are missing out. She is my hero, mentor, idol, imaginary friend. I have had many conversations with her. (in my head)  If I ever get to meet her I will have to get her all caught up on all the conversations I've had with her in my head already. I have all her Cd's and know all the words to all her songs and sing them with gusto, while I clean my kitchen.  Jim told me my songs and style are similar to her.  He couldn't have made me more happy.  Thank you Jim!

I have a good story about the first time I ever heard/saw Lori Mckenna.  It was when I was about 30 years old.  I had 3 kids at the time. After I had my third baby I was feeling very depressed and overwhelmed. I felt like I was living my dream life, the one I'd always wanted, BUT there was one big problem.  I was not the mother and wife I had dreamed I would be. I had the husband of my dreams and yet I would take him for granted. I didn't realize just how blessed I was to have such a kind hard working man. I treated him more like a team mate in the parenting game. I was the boss and he was my assistant.  I had the house and the healthy beautiful children I had always dreamt of. They were just so much dang work! One was starting school and stressing me out with school meetings and homework. But she was also such an easy going child that I always feared I was neglecting her.  The other one was pushing all my buttons, all the time, and I was loosing my temper, which in turn would depress me and put me into guilt trip mode. The third was my perfect baby. Perfect yes, but also a baby that took up so much of my time and energy and milk. About 6 weeks after my baby was born I was given some very hard news. Not about me or my children but about a loved one of mine that I am very close to.  It was very hard for me, I was grieving and it pushed me down into a depression that lasted several months. I pulled away from God and honestly felt mad at God. I felt so sad. The further away from God I got, the sadder I felt. Being so depressed for my loved one and feeling like God had been unfair in the whole situation pushed me into feeling sad about myself.  I need God's love and his reassurance so badly and I was too confused to even try to draw close to Him.  Because I was starving myself of God's love, I stared to feel very down about myself.   I felt like I was the most mediocre, under achieving, below average mother and human being there ever was.  I had such a blessed life and yet I was depressed and felt so guilty that I was sad amidst all of my blessings.  Motherhood was 10 times harder than I thought and I was 10 times less than I thought.  I thought I'd have 8 kids. 4 girls and 4 boys. I'd be as patient and kind as Michelle Duggar.  Instead I was left wondering had I ever, in my life, ever, been good at anything?  Was I always going to be so below average?  Was I always going to be a flunkie?  I had always hoped  motherhood was where I'd excel.  It was always my dream to fall in love, good and hard and then have as many babies as I could possibly handle. I really believed and still believe that there was nothing more important that I could do with my life than to be a mother.

Well, as usual I'm going on and on and taking a detour from my story...........not really taking a detour, just giving lots of details.  I'll continue tomorrow.

By the way.  Next Friday, March 18th at 7:30 pm at the Bountiful Community Church of Christ. I will be singing at another open mic. I'm finally ready to reveal the secret location of these open mics. It is on 400 east 100 north in Bountiful.  If you want to come, you are more than welcome. I think it costs a few bucks to come and listen. I'll have to ask Jim about that. 

Open mike...........round 2.........plus, a tangent on body image

This is Russ. He used to teach a music curriculum for elementary schools. He's also a retired pastor.  He plays the banjo. I love the banjo. My favorite song of his was one he wrote.  It was about when he was a boy living in Virginia.

Russ said I remind him of Janis Joplin.  Yep, that's what he said. Me..........nervous, sweaty, Mormon mommy of 5 reminds him of Janis Joplin.  Awesome! I'll take it!

I had to watch some Janis Joplin on you tube last night.  I'm not that familiar with Janis. I sure as heck hope I don't sound like Janis. I do like her passion and intensity on stage. I'm hoping that was the similarity that Russ saw  when he compared me to Janis Joplin.

I sang 4 songs Friday night.
1. No Wonder.    It's a love song I wrote for Nate. I really like it. I like it more than Nate likes it I'm sure. Honey, you know I'm right.

2. That's Not Me.........or maybe I should call it Woman Heart..............can't decide.  This is my Janis Joplin-esqe song.  I'm kind of ticked off in this song.  It's about the media and all the crap it feeds women. I'm just mad. I'm mad because I have 4 daughters that are already absorbing lies that the media tries to sell. I'm mad because I have absorbed lies the media sells. I'm mad because sometimes I waste time and energy being sad that my body isn't the exact shape I want it to be. I want this bigger and this smaller and this younger and this not deflated and this not stretched to oblivion! I'm mad because I've actually seriously considered getting plastic surgery. I haven't gone in for a consult or anything but I have talked to friends who've had work done............googled it..................thought about the cost and the pro's and con's.  Let's just say I have spent some serious time studying this out in my mind. My husband would let me do anything I wanted. He doesn't want me to get "work done" but he sure wouldn't stop me if I insisted. He makes enough money I could rationalize that we can afford it. I know God wouldn't stop me. God has never interfered with the choices I've made, even if they are not the best thing for me. So what's stopping me?  My Grandma Samsel for starters.

She died when I was 23 but I have felt her around at all the important  or challenging times in my life.  The first year of my twins life I felt her every day. She was like my coach and support. One day I was having a conversation in my head and and saying to myself......"That's it! I'm doing it!  I'm going to get this done and I'm going to get that done.  I want to reconstruct what once was mine.....................that's all.................... It's reconstructive surgery. I've sacrificed my body and had 5 babies!!! I deserve this!!! I have carried them and birthed them and nursed them. I owe it to myself! I'm gonna be so hot. My hotness powers will be off the charts.   Watch out Nate, you won't be able to restrain yourself!  That's when I heard my Grandma Samsel say.  "Don't you dare"........... Oh c'mon!
She just totally burst my bubble. I was on a roll and she ruined my fun.

Before I started writing songs, or being so open in this blog, I could feel this simmering in me. All this frustration with the media and how convincing it is. I have lots of very beautiful friends. Beautiful inside and out. I have seen some of my very beautiful friends be deceived into thinking that because they are 5 "3 and curvy that they aren't as beautiful as they wish they were. I have seen some of my very gorgeous friends truly believe that they are going to have to get a tummy tuck or nose job or "boop" job (did you see cjane's vlog last Friday? Hilarious!!!!)    They truly believe they don't have another choice, they are just going to have to go in for major surgery. I knew I had to do something!!! Write a book. Give a speech. Do something!!!

I'll tell you what I wish.....................I wish that when I told my girls that beauty comes from within, I really meant it.  No, like REALLY meant it.  Like I really accepted my body every day. Like I really am OK with getting older because I know it doesn't matter if I have wrinkles or my neck starts to sag because that's not even me! The Real me is eternal and will never get old and die. The real me has lived for who knows how many eons before this life. The real me knows my value is so much greater than the size of my waist or the age of my body. The real me knows that the resurrection is a real thing that will be given to EVERYONE. We'll all be walking around looking as gorgeous and perfect as we want to be..................Forever!


 So what it comes down to for me is a choice between 2 people.

The physical me or the spiritual me.  Who am I really? Who do I really want to be? What part of myself do I want to nurture?

Do I want to nurture the part of myself that obsess over my hair and clothes?  The part of me that is so unhappy with how my skin is loosing it's tone?  Should I nurture the part of me that thinks I should just do what I want because I want it and that's reason enough?  What's the big deal?  So I want to look better. I shouldn't have to spend the rest of my life with these battle scars from my child bearing years!

But what if I could nurture that part of myself that knows my worth and my happiness has nothing to do with my age or my beauty or lack there of?  What if I could nurture that part of myself that really knows that there might be something a  whole lot better than perfect proportions?  What if I could teach my daughters by my example that beauty does come from within?  What if I could be happy with myself  at age 40, 50, 60. What if I could do that?! Wouldn't that be the best!?

I can't do both. I can't get some work done and then get down to the work of accepting myself at any age and all that. Nope. It's one or the other.

Oh wow.  As you can see I have a lot to say on the subject. I'm not near done. Not near.

OK well this is getting long. I'll finish the open mic story later. I didn't really plan on going off like that today. Let me know what you think...........I like comments.


P.S.
These are my decisions and opinions for my life.  I hold no moral judgement for anyone that wants to do what they want to look and feel beautiful.  It's all between me, myself and God............... and my Grandma Samsel.  You gotta do what you gotta do and I gotta do what I gotta do.  I'll bring you dinner and flowers after your surgery if that's what you choose. I'll probably give you a loving lecture on your inner and outer beauty and eternal worth before you have surgery..............  but I can't help that. 

I don't want to live a virtual life, I want a real one

I am really good at day dreaming. I have a vivid imagination. Some of the dreams I have at night are better than movies. I have dreams where I'm not even in them, I just watch them like a movie. I have dreams where I am different characters. Sometimes I know I'm playing a character and other times I really think I'm a totally different person. My last dream where I wasn't even me went like this.

 I was a scrawny, blonde, 19 year old college boy. I was a computer nerd/genius and the big jocks were jealous of my skills. They were busting into our frat house to beat me and all my smart friends up. It was scary.

Before 2010 I never thought I was creative. The only time I ever thought I was creative was in my sleeping dreams. I have thought over the years, I must have creativity in me somewhere since my dreams are such a crazy, vivid, real experience.  Now that I have found a use for all my day dreaming and conversations in my head I'm starting to see my own creative abilities. I have been really happy and grateful for this discovery.

Sometimes I can daydream up such great and fun stories for my life. It is so satisfying I don't even want to try to do it in my real life. That would be too real and out of my control and have all the elements of reality that make it scary.  BUT..................... I don't want just a "virtual reality" life.  I want a real one. That is why I forced myself to go to another open mic night even though it makes me sweaty and nervous.  That is why I force myself to keep practicing on the guitar even though it hurts my fingers and I think I'm slow at it. That's why I keep doing my vocal exercises even though I still crack and sound bad at times. That's why I keep trying to face my fears a little at a time in an effort  to gain some confidence.

This morning at breakfast  Nate made crepes. I was trying to tell my family about how my second open mic went last night. They didn't seem that interested. They changed the subject to who did or didn't make it to the top ten on American Idol. I told my husband I sang the love song I wrote for him. He looked a little dazed and tired as he tried to act interested. Poor guy. He played church basketball this morning and we all know how intense church ball can get.  All that pent up testosterone being released on the court. I can't believe I let him take Gwenyth. Whatever, I had fun last night. It's ok that they aren't that intersted. Nate doesn't make me listen to every detail of the last Jazz game so I say we're even and being respectful of our different interests.  Plus I knew that I could blog all about it and post pictures and type every detail!!!

If you would have just witnessesd and heard the hour and 1/2 of screaming and girl shenanagens that I just had to endure your jaw would drop! Unless you have little girls, then you would know it was a normal every day ocurrance and  that it comes with the territory. I had to brush out AnnaKate's hair. It's past her waist and hasn't been brushed well in at least 5 days. I stongly encouraged her to take a shower before the birthday party. Then I brushed it out. It only took 30 minutes. It's a good thing my arms are so long. After a ridiclulous amount of freaking out because things weren't working out exactly as she planned, AnnaKate, Gwenyth, and Sarah are at the party!!!  Emmaline, Luke and Daddy went skiing. Skiing will be the next fear I conquer.  I think I'll save that one for next winter.  I don't want to give myself a nervous breakdown.

I didn't take any pictures of all the chaos that happened at home. Emmaline and Luke and Nate had a great time!

conversations in my head

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was really tired and went to bed early but then Nate needed to talk about some stuff that is stressing him out. He usually doesn't get stressed out so I was glad I could talk things through with him. He then proceeded to fall asleep in less than 2 minutes. He has a real knack for falling asleep fast. I laid there really tired but now my brain was all revved up from our talk.....................my brain is a very interesting place to be at times. I think it's because I talk to myself and I talk to anyone else I feel like talking to. I have great conversations in my head with all kinds of interesting people.  If I'm mad at someone, I tell them off really thoroughly in my head.  If I feel like someone misunderstands me, I explain myself so well.  I do it more now than ever. Ever since I started writing songs it has made it worse..............or better, depending on how I look at it.  This is nothing new for me. I have had detailed conversations in my head since I was little.  In 4th grade I read The Diary of Anne Frank. When I finished it, it seemed only natural to have a conversation in my head with Anne and thank her for her beautiful and honest diary.  Same thing in 5th grade when I read Helen Keller. I kind of can't help it. I find myself talking to all kinds of people in my head.  Sometimes Nate will catch me talking or laughing out loud. That's embarrassing. I'm not embarrassed that I talk to myself (and others) but I don't like being caught doing it. Sometimes my twins will ask me "who are you talking to mom?"   And I tell them,  "Adam and Eve.  Mostly Eve.....  er........ I mean........... nobody, just myself.  Can I get you something honey?"  I can't be the only one that engages in this very fun activity?????  Do you talk to people in your head?  I didn't realize that this habit is very helpful when it comes to song writing.  Have you ever wished you could go back and talk to your teenage self?...........You know, give yourself a few pointers and some encouragement. I have looked at pictures of myself in my teens wearing really unflattering clothes with a bad hair do and have wished I could go back and help that skinny awkward girl.  I wrote a little song about it. It was one of the very first songs I wrote. It felt really good to write. Want to hear it?  I don't have a web cam or I'd maybe sing it for you. But maybe not. It's kind of silly and the melody is only so so. I do like the words though. It's really wordy and is more of a poem than a song. I'll type it out for you.
    

                                        Me at Sixteen


Last night I had a crazy dream
I went to lunch with myself at 16
I looked into my smooth young face and saw an awkward sort of grace
Girl! It's nice to see you, I 'm you and your me
I've got a lot on my mind and I'd like you to see
I have a short list of things we can do
To make a better me and you
Let me show you how to wear your hair and what clothes to wear
Those glasses are way too big for your face
This growing up thing is not a race

Respect your father keep listening to your mother
Be nicer to your little brothers
You'll never get anywhere comparing yourself to you sister
Just a few more things I need to say
I hope you have more attention to pay
Soon I'll wake up and you'll disappear
I'll be back to 36, just laying here

Now don't be so unsure
You've heard His voice before
You'll know what to do
I'll put my trust in you

Try harder in school and don't be so cruel
To the reflection staring back at you
I know you think your hips are wide
But you'll be glad for every inch when you've got twins inside
In a couple years you'll take the S.A.T.
That score says nothing about you and me
The only thing it probably says, you didn't study but played instead
You're going to think it's an eternity
But it's only 7 years till your 23
That's when you'll meet your blue eyed boy
Who redefines what you thought was joy!

It's easy to see the fear on your face
I've said too much like we usually do
Let's not worry, let's not cry
Our future comes a day at a time

Now don't be so unsure
You've heard His voice before
You'll know what to do
I'll put my trust in you


Do you like it?.................  I like it. Actually I think it is quite therapeutic to talk to the different parts and different ages of myself. I think we carry around these different parts of ourselves. Especially the young vulnerable awkward parts of ourselves. It has been very helpful for me to imagine in my mind my 37 year old self talking to the shy scared 5 year old self. I have the hind sight to really reassure her that everything is going to be OK.  When I started writing songs and then started singing them for other people and then started talking to my guitar teacher about making a demo, something happened inside my head. It was like my  5 year old self was standing in the back of my mind saying. "You can't do this. It's too risky and I'm soooooooooo scared!!!"  Then there was my junior high self.  "You can't really think you'll succeed? Our body is not the right shape.  Are we ever going to hit puberty?!"    Then there was my 17 year old self standing their trying to make her point  "You can't pursue music seriously.............don't you remember our score on the S.A.T.?  It's embarrassing how we bomb standardized tests!"  All these scared insecure girls were lined up in my head. I could see them and hear them and it was too much for me.

 That's when I had to let it all out.  The lucky recipient of this blow up was my sweet Nathan.  He is a pro at handling my melt downs.  He's had 13 years of practice. I cried and cried till my face was red and puffy.  I  voiced all the insecurities I've ever had. My husband patiently listened. He didn't say a word till he was sure I had it all out. Then he politely asked if he could say something.  I was done and very tired so I let him rebuttal all my (our) claims to being a complete failure and utter loser. He said "How does your S.A.T. score have anything to do with song writing and singing?"  Honey, just be yourself. That's all you can do"  He held me and hugged me as we lay there in our dark room.   He's right too.  There is so much that I don't know how to do. (like scan a picture and zoom in on it for my blog!!!! Technology!!!! Curse you!!!) There is so much I am not good at.  But the one thing I do know how to do is just be myself. Just be honest and open. I don't want some big career or be rich and famous. I love my life just the way it is. I don't want to disrupt or change it. I do love writing songs and I do love singing them. I can't be a secret singer song writer in my bathroom forever.  The point of writing songs is to share them. Come what may, success, rejection, change, whatever it brings. I know I'm being myself and doing what I love and just being honest. What else can I do?

Here I am today, still haven't showered, no make up and a big zit.  Today I have been taking care of my twins and writing this post and that is pretty much it.  I think I better go be productive. I could unpack for Nate......he he. I still haven't done that.

This is off the subject but yesterday my sister in law Ashley brought me this flower in this lovely butterfly pot. Isn't it pretty? Orange is my favorite color.  When she stopped by I was practicing with Danny my guitar teacher.  He is going to help me make a demo of a few of my favorite songs. It was so fun to have her stay and listen.  She has never heard me or my songs so that was so fun for me.  Thanks Ashley! I love you!

I took a picture of Danny yesterday and asked him if I could put it on my blog. He said yes

He is a musical genius.  The best thing about him is that he doesn't know he is such a smarty pants so he is so fun to be around and easy to work with.  At some point I'll tell you more about Danny.  That will be fun.

OK, the end

I'm being a very good girl today. I've read and prayed, done yoga and vocal exercises. I have been tending my friends kids. I owe them.  I've had 3 extra 3 year old's and 1 extra one year old plus my 2 four year old's. They have all played really well together. I even cleaned up the mud room AND cleaned out the mud room closet and swept out the garage while they played outside. My trunk is full of stuff for the D.I. (charity)  I should unpack my husbands 2 bags from his last 2 trips. Nate spoils me and makes dinner for the family and so many extra perks but I always unpack his bags when we get home from trips. I don't like unpacking for him but it's the least I can do. Now my house just became empty, my kids are now playing at my friends houses. Ahhhhhhhhh  I feel like laying on my bed and watching Oprah. Maybe I will.

But first I'll unpack for Nate.  That's my puppy dog Tabitha. Isn't she sweet.
  How about a few more pictures

How do you like Sarah's outfit? She is still wearing her inside out turtle neck with her lightning McQueen jammy bottoms. (who knows why she has them all hiked up)  Gwenyth has changed her outfit 2 or 3 times and is now wearing dance clothes.
I never would have thought I'd have children that ran around the neighborhood looking like little orphans but I do. I try to convince them to wear the cute little matching outfits I buy them but they have very strong will's with very opinionated opinion's.




Do you want to see my personal recording studio?

I never thought I 'd be dreaming of recording in a real recording studio. Seems like a pretty far fetched idea today. Seems like I might be  letting myself get my hopes up a bit too high.
Have you seen Amelia? You know that movie about Amelia Earhart. I think it's like the last line of the movie where she says "What do dreams know of boundaries?"  That's how I feel about dreams. It is so fun to daydream and imagine up great stories for my life. If you haven't tried it lately you should. It always puts me in a good mood and makes me smile. Even if they don't come true it is so fun to dream them up. I do hope I don't dream so big that I run out of fuel over the ocean and crash and die.
Well I better get back to work, I'll unpack for Nate while watching Oprah. Win, win.

One more thing about dreams.............................
Before I met my husband at age 23 I had never been in love. I had dated plenty of boys but I had never been in love. Flirty fun?..........Yes.  In the love?............... No.
I used to dream about this handsome man that was just right for me.  Not perfect, but perfect for me. I even wrote down a list of the characteristics and qualities I'd want in my "perfect for me" man.
Now I have Nate. He is all those qualities on my list and way more.    Ever since Nate fell in love with me I have been a strong believer in the possibility of dreams coming true...........thanks honey.
I'll have to thank him in person since he doesn't read my blog.

P.S.
Aunt LeeAnn and Uncle Dale, if you are reading this will you leave me a comment so my blog doesn't look so lonely?  Lee, get a gmail account, it's not hard. :)  You're my relatives so I feel like I can ask you for this favor. (Taylor Z, I'm still waiting for your promised comment)
Uncle Dale, do you remember buying me slurpies and hoppytahs (those round things you play hop scotch with) from 7/11 when I was little?  I do.  Thanks again for that  :)

    I haven't had the heart or the time to blog.   Some of my loved ones are facing extremely painful and awful situations.  I haven't had the heart or the time to sing or write or even do yoga.   Why does life have to be so hard?  Why is it so scary and unfair?  Why do we have to feel so much pain and grief?  I don't want to to do it!  I'm telling you count me out!  I just want to be happy and shut out anything that is sad and scary and just live in a bubble.  Seeing people I love go through real pain puts things into perspective for me though. My problems seem manageable.  I got home from a trip with my husband a couple of days ago. I was sick, like maybe I brought home a Mexican bug sick.  I'm still sick. My kids all have a coughs and fevers. I had bags to unpack and laundry to do.  Normally this would have put me into post vacation depression.  Not yesterday.  I'm just grateful I can be home with my kids, making us all soup, letting them watch American Idol and 19 Kids and Counting all day.  Seeing and feeling some of their pain has put into perspective my own fears and insecurities.  My fears I have about playing the guitar and singing my songs that feel like journal entries seem pretty trivial in comparison.  The portion of pain that I have felt for my loved one was crushing.  I can only imagine how it has felt to them.

So big whoopdydoo if I'm scared of being embarrassed to sing in public.   There is a whole lot worse than being embarrassed or scared of making mistakes.


My first open mike night was a couple of weeks ago on Feb 4.  Wouldn't it be so sad if I was like those people that try out for American Idol because their mom told them they sound just like Mariah Carey  but really they don't, they just have a super positive mom that loves them. That would be sad.  Actually, that might be the case for me.  Up until now I've only sung my songs for some of my family and a few close friends.  Of course they are going to be kind to me.  When I play my songs for my sister and best friend Natalie they make me feel like I'm a genius.  I could be as delusional as some of those poor kids auditioning for A.I.

I get their at 6:45, the thing starts at 7.  I want to make sure I get  there in time to sign up so I don' t have any excuse to back out.  I'm the first one there.  The couple that is running it tell me it doesn't start till 7:30.  I suggest I go get some treats for everyone but they ask me to do a sound check and sing for them.  Perfect!  I can handle singing for this nice couple, work out some of my adrenaline before  more people come.  So I sit up to the mic.  One at my mouth and one at my guitar.  I start singing them one of the simple songs I practiced before.  As I'm singing they are saying to each other "nice" "doesn't that sound nice" "so pretty".  I am loving singing into the microphone.  I'm loving how I don't have to strain my voice and how the microphone picks up  subtleties in the way I was trying to sing the song.  A year ago even the thought of singing into a microphone alone made me nauseated.  I didn't realize how much I'd like it.  After I finished the song the wife said all the things I would want to hear. It felt great.   She seemed sincere and not overly gushy to where you wonder if it's for real.  Just sincere.  She was surprised that it was my first time and asked how long I'd been singing.  I launch off into my big long story then stopped myself because my heck she is a stranger and I'm sure she's not that interested.  She said she was interested and told me to keep talking.  So I did.  I'm  pretty good at blabbing on and on. This dang blog is only making me more of a blabber.   It's opened the flood gates that are my mouth.  Both she and her husband made me feel so good and were so nice.  I was very grateful for their kindness.

 People started coming and just like I hoped it was a small group.14 or 15 total. 2 people went before me. They did a good job and were for sure way better on the guitar than me. Oh help me with playing the guitar. Singing and writing songs feels natural, playing the guitar feels.....I don't want to be negative, I want to have hope that I can improve.  I'll just say, I have lots of room for improvement.  I'll keep working.  It sure would be nice if God would send me a really awesome band instead though ;)

So it's my turn, I get up to play.  I'm only a little nervous.  These are nice people that have come and we are all amateurs.   I thought it was so fun to tell a little bit about what inspired each song.  The talking about the song puts me at ease.  I sang 3 songs.  It was really fun to sing into the microphone.  I didn't mess up at all. That was fun!  People are nice and clap and say some nice things.  Because it was a small group we all went around and sang a few more songs.  At this point a couple arrived late and sang some of their songs.  They were good.  Like, intimidatingly good.  Played their instruments beautifully, sang beautifully, harmonized beautifully.   Now its my turn again.  Oh my.  I'm feeling so less than.  Plus I only practiced 3 of my songs before so now I'm trying to decide what the next 3 songs I should do.  I've written about 30 so It's not like I have time to always be practicing them.  Yikes.  I decide to sing this song I wrote called Jupiter.  Its about my great great grandfather's guitar that my mom recently gave to me.   I start to cry telling the story because it's so special to me. Cry........... In front of people I just met.................. Are you kidding me Kristen?  Hold it together girl!  Then I can't remember how I play it on the guitar.  I'm like fumbling around not remembering the right chords.  Lovely, I get all emotional and now I don't know how to play the song.  These are the reasons I need to gain some experience and confidence.   So I end up playing a different song.  Next I play Jupiter and finally I remember how thank goodness.  Then I play my last song and I'm telling the experience that inspired the song.  If you've read my previous posts it's the one where I'm doing the dishes and have an out of body experience.  I sing the song, I crack on the high note.  Darn.  I sit down and realize what I just did.  I just spilled my guts in alphabetical order for people I just met....................what in the heck!  Did I tell them I had an out of body experience?!  Did  I actually say "out of body experience" to these people I don't know?!   What has come over me?!  Am I nuts?!   I'm sure they all think I'm nuts.

I've never had a very effective filter from my brain to my mouth.  I usually say things that are blunt and sometimes offensive.  This is just how I'm built.  My parents probably made it worse because growing up they thought it was delightful how I just said what I was thinking and was so transparent and unguarded.  Well now this whole blogging singing mess I'm in is making my already weak filter even weaker.

After we were all done we stayed and talked and exchanged info, planned our next get together and that was it.  As I was driving home I felt so weird.  I felt like something inside my head and body shifted or changed or clicked into position.   I just felt different and like things were changing in me, it felt weird.  I came home to an empty house, (remember Nate had taken the kids on an overnight trip and left me home to enjoy my very own fortress of solitude.)  I stayed up late watching Oprah and tried not to think about how I felt like I said too much at the open mike and people probably thought I was a weirdo.  I put it out of my mind and went to sleep.

So now I guess I have to do it again. I need to find out when the next open mike is and maybe in addition, go to a different one around town.  We'll see.  I'll let you know.  I'm sure all 4 of my "blog followers" are on the edge of their seat wondering what will happen next in my exciting life. :)

I'm on the edge of my seat.  I really do think my life is exciting.

Don't you think Nate has a sweet look on his face in that picture?  He is really sweet. 

Why am I doing this?

picture by LeeAnn Samsel Larsen

                                               Don't we look like such a cute perfect family? ;)
                                                                Ya, well, we're not



Aunt LeeAnn, if you're reading this, I need a new family picture taken.
 
 This was taken in Nov 2009. We all look the same except my girls and I all have longer hair.


    The insomnia is back. I laid awake for hours last night. My mind wouldn't shut off. Now instead of laying awake writing songs in my head I'm writing blog posts.  I had a great conversation with my sister the hour before I went to bed.  It got my head all in a whirl and I couldn't sleep. I think I might be dependent on my melatonin supplement I have been taking to help me sleep. My first bout with insomnia started when I started writing songs last Jan. I felt like I had found a secret passage way in my brain that led to a secret door I never knew was there. I could go to this part of my head and hear melodies and write lyrics. You'd think  I would have known before I was 36 that my favorite thing to do ever is write songs. But no. I just found out last year. So now I'm 37 and it's time to be a big girl, no more secret life (see the last 3 posts).  I need to merge my inner world with my real world. That's why on Friday night Feb 4, 2011  I went to an open mike night. Last week I kept getting that naggy feeling that I needed to find an open mike night, I need to gain some confidence and face my fears. Oh the pain! Just googling and searching for one in my town made me sweat. I found one that was close to my house. I called the guy who was in charge of it. He said it just started a couple weeks ago and they had only gotten together once. The first time there were only 10 people there. This sounded perfect for me. I've got to start small. I didn't tell anyone I was planning on going, not even Nate. The reason I didn't tell anyone is because I didn't want them to be nervous for me.  I didn't want anyone I knew to be there. If I go alone and sing for strangers, they don't know that I'm scared, I can just fake like I'm confident and it will be more believable  to people who don't know me. If I brought my best friend or my husband they'd see right through to all my insecurities. You know how when you were little kid on the playground and you get hit in the face with the basketball really hard and it hurts and you want to cry. You can hold in the tears till your friend says sweetly "are you OK?" then you just start blubbering.  That's how this open mike thing felt to me. I just needed to go and act like the person I wish I was and I could pull it off.  Nate suggests  we go on an over night with the kids on Friday. I say "no thanks, I don't want to pack and unpack and do laundry."  He says, "I'll just take the kids, then you can stay home and have a break."  What!!!!???? Dream come true!!!!   To be home alone without the kids is my daily fantasy. (I love you honey)  So now I know I'm going to this open mike night, it's meant to be! Right?!  I don't care if I'm scared and actually just  making the decision to go starts to shrink my fear.  My friends ask me if I want to go to dinner or something but I say no thanks, just going enjoy some alone time. So Nate and the kids leave around 5:30 pm and the open mike starts at 7.  Nate asks me what I'm going to do. I end up  telling  him about the open mike.  He was glad he was giving me a break and this made him even more glad. They finally leave, I practice 3 songs that I feel pretty comfortable sharing.  I get my guitar and go.

Are you wondering why I'm doing this? Why am I spilling all this on a blog for anyone to read?  I'll tell you.

1. All of us are facing something that we feel is impossible. I feel like my personal experiences can translate to you personal experiences. I feel like it would be wrong to not be open with what God has taught me over 2010. I need to share it. I feel like he wants me to share it with as many people as possible.

2. I learn best by hearing other's personal experiences and applying it to my own life. If even just one person can learn from my experiences then I have succeeded


3. I need to exercise faith in what he has taught me is. I need to show Him I believe Him. faith is an exercise. It is hard and it hurts at times but it is the only way to grow and get stronger.

Here are my baby girls twirling in the living room this morning. They are at preschool now. They adore each other and play sooooooooooooo cute together.  They also fight like feral cats in the night.